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Yes but he is doing it probably worse now he has stopped using which I know he is doing as am testing him x
My husband has been taking cocaine behind my back and maybe before we even met (4 years ago). It finally came to a head as I had been testing his wee where he didn’t flush in the morning to avoid waking me since before Christmas until now. 2 weeks ago tomorrow I told him I knew he had been taking it again despite promising me a few weeks before I started testing him that he would never do it again. At first when I told him he was really angry with me blaming me etc etc then the opposite of total remorse, hating himself etc then making an oath that he will never take it again. Anyway in the last 2 weeks of him off cocaine he has been really sarcastic and nasty to me and then on Monday blew up at me in a way that I had never experienced before in my life – so belittling, accusing me of faking an illness (that I had to go to hospital for) – I wouldn’t be so nasty even to someone I despised. My question is that is this normal behaviour as mostly I have read that the partners taking cocaine are nasty, moody etc etc xx
Bella – there is a YouTube video that Redfox put up called ‘why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery’. I found it really helpful to understand addiction a bit more than I know. x
I know but am at the moment trying to be optimistic and he’s aware that I will randomly test him. I’m going to give it a couple of weeks to hopefully get all signs of the drug out of his system and then will start testing. I am also going to ask him if he will attend online meetings at ca as it will hopefully make him realise the world that he is living in. I’ll keep you all posted and thank you for your wise words and care xx
Hi well I told him I had been testing him etc on Thursday night and got a barrage of texts saying he was speechless and that I didn’t understand his work stresses and that I had been sneaking around testing him and that he wanted space and that Christmas was so stressful and that his family were very different to mine and that all I cared about was money which is so far from the truth. basically calling us snobs which I’m not etc etc etc I’m sure you can imagine. Anyway he came home on Friday and we didn’t discuss anything then on Saturday night it all blew up again and he said he was leaving tomorrow and began packing some things. The next morning we talked again and he was in floods of tears saying he wanted to kill himself and that he had hit rock bottom so we took the dogs for a walk and talked more . To cut a long story short he has made an oath to me and himself that he will never touch cocaine again. Time will tell but I am praying for the future xx
I know – he says things that are so obvious to me but as if I don’t understand what he’s saying and he keeps repeating as if I am a child. There’s no point to say anything back as he won’t listen to me. I think he goes like this when he is taking drugs. I hate that I have become so paranoid and suspicious and searching for signs all the time and now I have confronted him I feel awful that I have maybe damaged a marriage and wish I hadn’t said anything. How I wish I had a magic genie who could tell me my future x
Hi – just watched it – as you say it is very insightful and it makes me understand a lot more and I too would recommend anyone to watch it. Thank you Redfox x
Thank you. Yes I have got professional help to try to understand and ironically her husband was a coke addict so she really understands. I have also attended Al-anon meetings but haven’t really got much out of them to be honest and also cocaine and narcotics anonymous to try to understand from the addicts point of view and they have all been really nice to me. I’m just about to start another one. I too think that a break would do me good but I am scared that if we have a break that will be it. Although I don’t think I have any choice at the moment as he has said he wants it. I even am prepared to spend a lot of money sending him to a Narconon rehab centre but don’t think he will go as it is for 3 months and he has a responsible job. Maybe fate will decide for me but I am praying for a positive outcome xx
Hi – thank you for your message. It has helped me. A while back he said that I was resenting his 3 sons coming down. I did because he would leave me on my own most of the weekend. I tried talking to him but the resentment in me built up in my head that eventually everything came crashing down and the long and short of it was that it was all my fault. I ended up going on antidepressants but he just seemed a different person from before. Since last night he now says he doesn’t know me anymore either and said I was sneaking around looking to hang him because I had tested him. I love him and want the old person back who is such a great guy but I’m not sure that too much has gone on in our first year of marriage to try to fix things yet again. I just don’t understand if he saw me in such pain last time that he would just carry on. He never has any money and I basically pay for everything and I guess it’s because he spends so much on coke. Perhaps he always was on coke. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I am so unhappy and worried. I don’t think that he will tell me the truth but I think he has left me anyway and blaming me yet again. Its so sad :((
Hi I finally sent him an email as he was in London saying that I know that he has been taking coke and that I wanted to help him but that he needed to want to help himself first. To cut a long story short he got angry with me for testing him without his knowledge which I can kind of understand and said we need time apart to see what that is like so I’m sitting here wondering if my marriage is over or not. He said he had been trying so hard to make our marriage work and that it was all my fault and that Christmas had been so stressful (basically because my sister knew that he took coke before Christmas when I found him out about 6 weeks ago and I guess he was embarrassed). I am so ill with all the stress that maybe I would be better without him but I can’t see that at the moment. I can understand how angry and upset you must be with that situation at the garage. I would have done exactly the same thing and most likely got the same reaction from my husband too. How iare things now? How long have you been married and how long has he been taking it. Its such a nasty, destructive drug that destroys families. I feel so drained by it all and want the man I married back but everything is almost like an argument or he is sarcastic to me. Then at weekends he ends up sleeping most days away or sitting in the dark so I am alone again but when his boys are down he is full of life and wants to be doing something. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. He makes me doubt my sanity in all this and makes me think that it is maybe my fault. Sending you strength x
Hi Jaynie. Your story is identical to mine. I am at a loss as to what to do – I want to say to leave but like you I love him very much even though he always turns things round to be my fault and like you I feel like I am walking on eggshells and don’t want to say anything that may be antagonistic to him. He has promised me on 5 occasions within the last 4 years that I met him that he won’t do it again and the last time about 6 weeks ago he promised me again and was very remorseful. But I have go evidence that he has been using again and not stopped since then even though he saw how much it affected me as I had my first proper panic attack and went into shock. I have been having counselling and she has helped me to step back from the situation and not react straight away. I have also been going to Alanon meetings online which is a support group for families or friends of addicts and also to narcotic or cocaine anon open meetings which is also online to try to understand the mind of an addict. All these are very helpful and I would suggest you try them although it still doesn’t help that you are living with a deceitful lying addict x
I have sat here reading this forum for the last half an hour and can relate to so many of the stories. I have been with my husband for nearly 4 years, married for just over one (second marriages for both of us). There have been a few times that I have discovered that he has had cocaine packages – more by him not hiding them well enough. He has been so remorseful each time. The second last time was a week after we married as it fell out of his pyjama pocket that I was tidying up. Again extremely remorseful. He promised me that he wouldn’t take it again but recently I became suspicious again as he was sleeping a lot through the weekend in the daytimes and staying up late and also being very condescending to me and blaming me for things and generally being in a bad mood so unlike the person I first met. I found it again but this time he shouted at me and making me feel guilty. Everything was a bit of a blur and once again he said he would stop and that he had been taking it again for 4 months. I actually don’t believe he ever stopped taking it ever since we met. I bought some cocaine test strips and have tested his wee in the loo without his knowledge as he doesn’t flush in the night to avoid waking me. I started testing before Christmas and the last one was today and every single one has tested positive. I haven’t confronted him and really don’t know what to do from now. Its tearing me apart and fills every waking hour of my life at the moment. He stays in London 2 nights a week for work and when I speak to him he is loving and caring but I know that he is still taking it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. As with most of us on here I am in love with my husband but don’t know how long I can continue to live this life as it’s tearing me apart x
I have continued to test him unbeknown to him and every time it is coming up positive. Does anyone think I should confront him or should I just wait – I’ve no idea what to do. Any help would be much appreciated x
So had Christmas and my family were here but I still suspected him so horribly I tested his urine again with cocaine strips from amazon from 23rd until today and everyone has come up positive. He is now with his sons in London as started work again and often stays up 2 days in London as commute is bad. He said to me yesterday that I seemed really quiet over last few days but that is because I don’t know how to deal with the fact that he has been taking cocaine again even though a few weeks ago he saw how much it affected me with my panic attack and shaking. He has been quite distant with me while his 3 sons have been down since Boxing Day but as soon as they left he became affectionate again and again today by text. I am so so not sure how I go from here. it’s destroying me and feel so down even though this situation has resorted to me taking antidepressants x
So had Christmas and my family were here but I still suspected him so horribly I tested his urine again with cocaine strips from amazon from 23rd until today and everyone has come up positive. He is now with his sons in London as started work again and often stays up 2 days in London as commute is bad. He said to me yesterday that I seemed really quiet over last few days but that is because I don’t know how to deal with the fact that he has been taking cocaine again even though a few weeks ago he saw how much it affected me with my panic attack and shaking. He has been quite distant with me while his 3 sons have been down since Boxing Day but as soon as they left he became affectionate again and again today by text. I am so so not sure how I go from here. it’s destroying me and feel so down even though this situation has resorted to me taking antidepressants x