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Hi I completely understand the devastation you are feeling. I knew my husband had taken coke in the past. But he promised me he wouldn’t do it again. I’d found a couple of coke packets very badly hidden and confronted him and that is when he was very remorseful and said if it meant losing me he wouldn’t do it. To cut a long story short we married in August last year (both second marriages) and a week after we had married I was tidying his pyjamas off the floor and a coke packet, credit card and a note fell out the pocket. I was absolutely devastated and went into complete shock and took off my ring. He begged me to stay. The house is mine and he is badly in debt even though he earns a good salary. I don’t exactly know how much as he won’t tell me. Recently I suspected again as he had been really nasty to me, bad tempered, depressed and sleeping a lot and coming to bed late. Anyway his kids were down that weekend about a month ago and he was staying up until 4/5 in the morning with his eldest son and I found specks of coke on the shelf in downstairs loo and confronted him later that day. He denied it but eventually admitted that he had been taking it for about 4 months. I honestly think that he never stopped from the last time. This Christmas he has been staying up late again and can’t sleep. I had bought some cocaine test strips off amazon recently and when he gets up in the night for a wee he doesn’t flush the loo so in order not to wake me. In the morning without his knowledge I have been testing the urine in the loo and it is coming up very positive. I haven’t said anything to him and am at my wits end what to do. I’m telling you all this so you can try to relate. My advice would be to look after yourself and step back from the situation and just observe him and his behaviour until you can decide what you want. Cocaine addiction is a terrible and horrible thing to have to deal with. I would also recommend that you contact Alanon. Its mainly for family and friends of alcoholics but you will be able to relate that to drug addiction as any addiction is really the same. It has helped me and you can do online zoom meetings. I also attended a couple of Cocaine anonymous online meetings some of which are open to all and not just the addicts and it helped me to understand the mindset of an addict. I really hope this helps in some way but I can completely imagine what you are going through right now. Sending you hugs and support x
Hi
Thank you for your reply.
He says he’s only been using this time for 4 months but he has used several times before – I think he probably never stopped. I’ve just been blind or stupid that I believed him each time. The line on the urine test strip is really strong even though he promised me 15 days ago that he wouldn’t take it again.
The house is mine and don’t think he has lots of friends that do it either. He never has any money and even since he stopped paying the mortgage on his ex wife’s house recently which was a hefty sum he still has no money and is up to his eyeballs in debt.There is one big problem though and that is that I love him. I want to help him but don’t know how to go about it. The four months sort of coincide with him stopping paying the mortgage.
Hi
you are completely right. I am scared to have serious conversations because of the consequences and he is so down right now and pre Christmas etc etc. A million excuses I know. I just want it all to go away. We’ve only been married for just over a year and now I’ve found it on two occasions since then. He says he has only been using for 4 months lately but I just don’t believe him. I’m definitely not happy to accept drug use as it changes his personality. I just don’t know what to do except have a conversation with him again after new year maybe. xx
Thank you for your words of support – it means a lot. I can’t look at my husbands pupils as he has really dark brown eyes!! The line was really strong today and as yuk as it is that I had to do this it was taken from urine in the loo which is obviously mixed with water as he doesn’t flush in order to not wake me. He definitely had mood swings yesterday and wasn’t hungry whereas normally he will eat anything I offer him so I suppose those are 2 tell tale signs as much as I don’t want to believe them. I just want it all to go away and enjoy my marriage as it should be. I want to wake up and be happy rather than spending every waking moment worrying about him and constantly searching for clues which I know I need to stop but the trust has gone.
xx
Hi
No he doesn’t know I tested him and we haven’t really discussed it since the weekend I found out. I highly doubt he would admit he has an addiction. I just don’t know what to do as don’t want to ruin Christmas. Maybe I will wait and test him again during Christmas period as wondering how long coke stays in your system and maybe it is positive from before ie 2 weeks ago or am I just kidding myself? Did your husband get help and stay off it x
Hi everyone. I am at my wits end about what to do. He was in a low and occasional bad mood with me most of the weekend – it was just us here. He is worried about Christmas he said as it was just my family here and both my daughter (26) and my son (23) and my sister know that he had taken coke again which I found out about a couple of weeks ago. He says his boys don’t want to come down for Boxing Day as whenever they are here there is drama, the latest one being when I found out he was taking coke again and 2 of his boys were here. Anyway he hadn’t flushed the loo before he left for work so I did a urine test for coke and it has come back positive. I was shocked that he had started or never stopped so soon and now I just don’t know what to do now. Any advice would be so appreciated x
I’m so so sorry to hear your story. All I can say is as much as you may love him this could be the best thing to happen to you. I know it won’t seem like it at the moment but if you and the kids can get through this you can restart your life and one day you will be happy again without the toxic situation that you are in at the moment. Sending you lots of hugs xx
Thank you everyone – After all that and me having a panic attack I think he realised how much it affected me – I have never had a panic attack before and it was really frightening. We talked more and decided to give it one last go so I am praying that it works but I didn’t actually ask him if he was going to stop coke which I need to do but am scared to bring it up. Fingers crossed but think maybe need to wait a few days maybe at weekend to see if I can broach the subject x
Thank you everyone – After all that and me having a panic attack I think he realised how much it affected me – I have never had a panic attack before and it was really frightening. We talked more and decided to give it one last go so I am praying that it works but I didn’t actually ask him if he was going to stop coke which I need to do but am scared to bring it up. Fingers crossed but think maybe need to wait a few days maybe at weekend to see if I can broach the subject x
We talked and it didn’t go well – he has ended our marriage – devastated doesn’t touch the surface x
oh no I’m so sorry to hear this. I was supposed to be talking to my husband this weekend but I feel I am treading on eggshells and neither of us have bought it up. He is basically ignoring me and ignoring the situation x
Hi yes I think I am exactly like you. Without going back through all the threads what was your outcome x
Thank you everyone – it means a lot. My feeling is that he is going to deny he has a problem and that he will just not take anymore but that is what he said last time. Says it is a relief to take after stresses at work. Obviously I don’t believe him. What a complete an utter mess xx
Hi I really don’t know. Everything is whirring round my head. From the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep. I keep thinking how could I be so stupid to marry a drug addict who lies to me. I haven’t seen him all week and tonight will be the first time and I’ve no idea how to approach this evening. thank you for thinking of me and if you have any tips they would be so welcome xx
sending love to you and I think I need to do the same and yes a crazy world – all I wanted was a loving husband to spend the rest of my life with xx