[deficientoptimism]

Fantastic news.

I have been at some degree exactly where you are, and on the more technical side, when you hit that 4 month stage – your neural pathways in the brain really can repair themselves.

Take comfort in knowing the hardest part is over.

[deficientoptimism]

Hi,

I experience a similar environment to which you have described with my father. This is to say, a high functioning alcohol who is financially independent and can function having drank copious amounts of alcohol everyday.

I witness my father be abusive to my mother for many years, not purely physical, but mainly psychologically, but there has been times where there has been physical altercations.

At this point in my life, I now live away from home and he has significantly mellowed in his old age despite him still being an alcoholic.

All my life I was terrified of my father. It was like living under a strict military regime and I could see how terrified my mother was of him. She would shake if his dinner wasn’t made on time.

When I got to 18, I finally realised he couldn’t hurt me. It took along time to realise this, being a young man, I felt inadequate that I couldn’t protect my mother.

When I was around this age, there was nothing ever really that was obviously abusive. It was always psychological. The sly comments, the name calling and the remarks he would say would make my mother feel helpless.

One day I had moved a DVD rack of his out of place. I was coming home from the gym and my father was in raged I had moved it.

At this point I was still mentally terrified of him, even though physically I was taller, stronger, and fitter. Everyone in our family knows he is alcoholic, it’s just kindly brushed under the rug.

On this day it was like something overcame me. I truly realised instinctively, if I didn’t defend myself verbally and make it clear what he was doing, that he would never know. He lived in a delusional sense of righteousness. His addiction had made him completely believe he was doing the right thing.

I realised at this point what do I want my mothers life to be. I was going to university this year, and therefore would be leaving on her own. I came to the crucial realisation, and I mean this to be the MOST important realisation here, that something had to be done. That sound/ all well and good, but how does one go about doing that? I was in a different place to you. I was physically and mentally able to fully unload 30 years of swept under the rug horrors in a 2/3 hour argument that rendered my dad in tears and myself and my mother without the fear of violence. You may not be able to have that luxury.

What I would honestly suggest to you, is think about the following;

Ask yourself how old are you right now, and how much time are you wasting being unhappy. If there is anything that is a constant it is time. Whether you make a decision or not, time is still ticking for your life.

Your fear of parental responsibility and custody is not something you should entirely fear if you prepare well. My dad said this to my mother when I was a child and obviously she believed him.

Gather over a period of months, photo, video of drunkness, receipts of alcohol purchases, abuse evidence, and collate this. This is all powerful evidence to submit to the courts.

If you’re that worried about your daughter, but you also don’t want to leave him, I have to put it to you like this. There is no easy option here. Ask yourself, what is the likelyhood he is ever going to change? If this a no, you need remove yourself and daughter from this situation.

Remember, the time is ticking on your happiness here. Don’t wait In fear like my mother did for 30 years.

[Author]

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