[dellboy]

Have had technical problems commenting on site, now seems to be working.

Hox, that’s powerful stuff, and reassuring, thanks for sharing, and I’m pleased that things are working out for her and you.

[dellboy]

Thanks

[dellboy]

Trainer28, thank you for sharing that with me.

She did attend some sort of alcohol help sessions at the very start of this a couple of years ago but she didn’t feel she gained much from them and didn’t think she was anything like many of the other people on the course and in the building generally. I do kind of get it. She felt she had control and I’d blown it out of proportion and almost forced her to attend. Indeed, I do believe she gave up for a good month or 2 to show she wasn’t dependent.

In reality, I’m sure she suffers from a low sense of self worth and anxiety in certain social situations. This has probably been worsened since she gave up her job to be a full time Mum, albeit I have encouraged her to go back to work if that’s what she wants to do.

Whenever her drinking has caused problems in the past I’ve softened pretty quickly. I end up sweeping it under the carpet, moving on. But in time things slip back into their old ways again.

And in many respects I have overcompensated for her lack of control by being extra self disciplined myself. I exercise every day, run marathons, barely drink, don’t smoke, go to bed early, get up early, read lots of self improvement books, do lots of jobs around the house, etc. However, rather than this giving her encouragement and inspiration to improve herself, it’s probably only making matters worse by growing the gap between us.

I didn’t return home last night until gone 11pm, just stayed at work. Will do the same tonight. Don’t want to go home. Don’t want to face the lies, don’t want to sweep it under the carpet, don’t want to face her, don’t want to be the one who is always seen to be overplaying the problem.

I don’t really see any way out of this. I’ve thought about all options. Each one is painful. I guess that’s life.

Clara1 – thank you and yes, I am blessed to have received the helpful and kind responses from Trainer28 and Kloe88. I have thought about killing myself, even this morning, as I look at things pretty logically, all options. On one side of the coin I can see it would solve the problem and the life insurance is huge (if they would pay out). However, I do also recognise it would have a tremendously negative emotional impact on my children, and my wife, and would be a very selfish thing to do. I will bear in mind the Samaritans if things develop further along that line, but I am pretty confident it won’t get to that point. Thank you for caring.

[dellboy]

Thanks to you both for taking the time to respond, it means a lot to know there are others out there, thank you.

Trainer28, it’s great that your partner has agreed to go into rehab, I wish you both well.

The reason for wanting to leave is that the trust has gone with all the lies and deceit. I’ve asked her lots of times to open up to me, tell me how she’s feeling so I can help. And if she wants a drink, then fine, it’s her body, get on with it but don’t hide it, put the drink in the fridge, be open about it. She says she will but then she doesn’t.

Physical affection from her is non existent, it is always initiated by me. I’m not just talking amount close intimacy, I mean simple cuddles or kisses, expressions of love. I’ve said this to her a number of times but I see no changes. I do often think the reason for this is that she might have been drinking and therefore doesn’t want to get close or I’ll smell it on her.

As I say, most of the time she doesn’t really act drunk, but the drinking makes her distant, conversations tend to brief and disjointed. It’s very unfulfilling. And if we’re together with friends then, to be honest, she can be pretty embarrassing, slurring words, staggering about etc, she just doesn’t seem to have an off switch with the drink. When others have had enough she just carries on. I’ve given up trying to bring her along to work social events, they’re only once or twice a year but it’s not worth the hassle.

But we don’t argue really, I typically avoid confrontation and brew on things, but I am trying to be as up front with her as I can on this however hard it is for me.

I guess wanting to leave is because I feel there must be something more than this, I see years ahead, kids moving out, her reliance on drink getting worse, us having fewer and fewer friends, but I am acutely aware of my immediate responsibilities to my beautiful kids, and indeed my marriage vows.

Kloe88, best wishes to you and your boyfriend.

When this first arose I asked her to see a doctor for help and in fairness she did. A few weeks later he prescribed her some relatively low dose anti-depressants. She took them for about a week but then stopped, albeit she didn’t tell me for another 3 or 4 months that she’d stopped. Again, this emphasises the lack of open communication and therefore trust I have in her. I try and help, I try to be supportive, I try to be non-judgemental, but it seems to be getting me no where.

Again, I guess that is partly why I am considering moving out, maybe it’ll jolt her into action.

But my number 1 priority is my kids. I want them to have a healthy Mum, I want them to be happy, but I also want them to be safe and I don’t like the way she is normalising to them her level of drinking (and smoking, and zero exercise and no obvious hobbies or interests). They look up to her, she is a role model, but if I raise this type of stuff with her then she dismisses it and says I am controlling.

I’m thinking a compromise might be to live in the same house together, so I can be there for the kids, but my wife and I effectively live separate lives. Perhaps the chance of that working out is naive, but perhaps worth a try.

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