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Hi again my 26 year old is living alone and the 28 year old still at home. Don’t get me wrong ,I have been sucked in with money in the past, but I have made sure they have both paid me back every penny. Can you not get your son on the council list that is what I have done with both of my sons. My eldest two are both married with families of their own and despise drugs and how it has effected me. At first my son put me on a guilt trip for making him homeless (he was sofa surfing) so I knew he was safe. With his mental health etc put him as an emergency for housing. Long story short he is now realising how much better life is for him away from home. I still have to manage all his bills and washing etc, I probably always will till I am no longer here. If it was left to him then he would be on the streets with no money. Basically I am his carer. He is now limited money wise tonwhat he can smoke or put up his nose but he is getting better. Had a good week at home with the other one. He’s been working hard (still owes me) but he’s not been snorting ket. You know if only I could lay my hands on the dealer, bet he’s been rubbing his hands together getting my sons hard earnt cash. Well he’s smoking weed now instead so in my eyes at least he’s not destroying his organs daily like he has been doing. He says it’s one a day after work to make him relax. I do not hide it from my friends any more. It’s their choice and they are not kids. It’s a shame that you can not have friends round. My friends have seen the other son abuse me etc as he has no filter. But now he is no longer living at home I can say to him not to come round if I have friends here. And if he does come and start abusing me then I ask him to leave so it does make life a lot simpler to what I have had to go through. Gambling on top of the drugs and the come downs. It’s never ending. I know I sound calm now but it has been a good week. Last week when I came to this site I was at my wits end. At least your son is talking to you. All you can do is explain about the dangers etc which I have always done. Yes I scream and shout as it’s soul destroying seeing your little ones you have nurtured destroying themselves. But it never stopped them so for my own sanity I have had to take a step back and try and be calm about things. I do state though not in my home, otherwise you are out like your brother. My biggest fear is what will happen when I am no longer around, probably the same as how your mother was feeling. They do tend to pull on your heart strings. But remember they are good liars when it comes to drugs and gambling. Hope you are feeling ok xx
Hi Em 28. I also hear the same thing that they will sort themselves out. I am hoping and things have settled down. But maybe it’s the calm before the storm. Addiction always comes first. I don’t know what to say to anyone as all our circumstances are similar but what do we do? Walk away turn our back on them. What’s right and what’s wrong. You do get to the stage where enough is enough and you will know even that time comes. But it does make it hard when the real person comes out. It’s like there is a glimmer of hope still and that is what we all fight to save. I won’t give up helping my sons even though I had to remove one from the home. He is lots better than when he was at home. Only you know what you should do. But it does help to talk to others in the same predicament.
Hello Marion. We all deal with things in different ways. I worry daily but also give myself time too. My youngest 26 similar ways to your son. By the way sorry for your loss of your brother. I had to throw my son out as he was violent. I have written posts elsewhere so won’t repeat myself. Take time to read other posts as it helped me.,I was lucky as he had friends and family to sofa surf till he was homed by the council. His aggressive behaviour is always there but things are getting easier as he’s not been living at home for 11/2 years. He can not afford to do the drugs as much now he has his independence although he has stated he’s never going to stop. He also has ADHD and unfortunately that comes with lots of different traits that most people will never understand. I speak with psychiatrist when I go to his appointments and it’s normal for mental illness to self medicate. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone it in any way but I am also powerless to stop it too. I have another son who self medicates but only last week I gave him an ultimatum “you either stop doing it in my home or you are out like your brother”. He is the weaker of the two and works very hard. I accepted that he was not going to stop but his was more recreational. He also suffers from mental illness. He has been taking ketamine for months now on a daily basis and it’s been destroying me and himself.,It reflected on his last wages and for the past week or so he has not been taking it. Wether he is seeing sense knowing that my actions speak louder than words. Although the substitute of weed seems to be wangling it’s way in. There’s just no stopping it. So yes every day is a battle, and yes I do now take time out for myself I deserve it. As a caring parent I will worry every day as I always have done,but I have learnt over the years all the hard work I put in as a parent is the best that I could do. I will never give up trying to help them but they also need to want to stop and my two don’t want to. I don’t know if that was any help for you. Feel free to message back. I am here if you need to off load x
So sad reading all your posts on this site. I have written my own post and also answered on other posts. Am actually getting confused on who’s I have been writing on as they all seem to be similar posts. I have written about one son on one post then spoke about another one on someone else’s post. One of my sons is doing ket and it’s actually destroying him more than the coke is destroying my other son.I Actually detest what these addictions have done to two of my boys. If anybody had been reading all the forum then you have probably come across some of my posts so won’t repeat myself. I totally feel for each and everyone of the people on here. It’s a tough life seeing the people you love destroying themselves and destroying the families involved. The fear that I have lived with over the years when they were younger, is the same as what I have been reading. My husband is not the blood father so that makes it harder. It’s been a long bumpy road with a few smooth bits. 26 and 28 yes I worry but there comes a time when you have to take a step back. I have not given up and never will. I love all my children just these two have been very time consuming and hard work. They don’t want to stop so what can I do. They are also suffering with their mental health issues but the drugs make it worse. I still have my meltdown when it gets on top of me but then I have to be strong again because deep down I am the only one who really cares about them. I need to be strong for when they come down with a bang feeling suicidal. It’s draining and constant but over the years I have learnt to enjoy some of our time too. Sometimes you have to take a step back for the sake of your own sanity. I am feeling strong at the moment but i also weaken a lot of the times. Yes it’s been hard but not as hard as some of you have had it. I can not give advice as I don’t know the answer. Take care all
Hi there it’s sad that you have this burden on your shoulders. Maybe you’re parents are hoping the problem will go away. As far as I know I never had a problem with my sons stealing from us but I always had a lock on the bedroom and never left any temptation laying around. I have always been open about the drugs and the gambling and the dangers etc. But their choice is to continue doing what they like doing. They don’t think about the consequences or are oblivious to the states they get in. I am the one that has to suffer with the constant worry. There is no help out there because if they enjoy doing what they are doing and are in denial of having a habit then they do not want help. One of my sons has been in a secure unit after trying to commit suicide. He’s been admitted to hospital with cocaine psychosis and he’s only just turned 27 been dabbling since he was about 16. It is not a daily habit as he is living alone now and can not afford to but he still binges. He has got much better since I had to throw him out. I wrote about this on someone else’s post. I don’t know what you can do for your brother if he’s not willing to help himself. It’s me that wants them to stop destroying themselves but they don’t think it’s a problem. I live with the fear daily that I am going to lose one of them. Coming to this site two days ago has helped me with reading people’s posts. It’s very sad. I hope you can get to discuss your fears with your parents as they need to realise it’s become your problem too. Addiction destroys families. Hope I have helped but I am also in the same predicament. This is only a fraction of our lives. Maybe call the Samaritans although I never have myself. I have just learnt to cope over the years. I feel your pain x
Paula sorry to hear yet another post of addiction. It seems to be the norm now. Even though we try to detach ourselves it is always at the back of our minds. I am glad my two do not drive as that would only be another added worry. I see through their lies now although one is more open than the other. That’s what the drugs do to them. I don’t see an end to it all either as it’s been going on for so long. I feel so sorry for the people who are coping with the heroin addiction. I saw how it destroyed an old friend and she turned from that to alcohol and passed away at the young age of 36.I tried helping her but it was all about lies, deceit and pure selfishness. In a way I count myself as lucky in the fact that they have not turned to that. I have the constant worry of suicide as taking drugs with mental health issues do not mix well on their come down. All we can all do is try to live our lives and not let them keep destroying us. Easier said than done. Sometimes your mind gets so fed up of the constant worry of what’s going to happen next. Talking to people going through the same does give you that little bit of release as we must all be at our wits end to have to come on line looking for help and we all ended up here. It’s certainly helped me the past two days and it has been quiet at home as no dramas. Till the next time. Chin up and stay strong. And Thankyou to all that have helped me x
Hi again. I am one of them that cannot totally emotionally detach myself from them. I have spent the past two days going through here reading and replying to some which in a way has took my mind off things. It is hard to open up to people incase you and your family get judged. It’s ok for me to not like my sons a lot of the time but I do not want other people to not like them. As it is not them I dislike it’s their habits and seeing how they are destroying themselves. At least I do get some normal days with my boys as it is not always a daily thing. Well at the moment it is with my son who’s still living at home. There is something not right as he’s only had two mornings off the drugs. Although he does work hard it’s awful seeing him waste his money to the dealers. And yes it’s good to talk but at the end of the day the problem is still there. There is no help if they do not want to help themselves so unfortunately for people like us we have to suffer. In the past I have lost two good friends to drugs and drink and this is my biggest fear. This is why I try to help them as much as I can as if I didn’t and anything did happen to them then I would never be able to live with the guilt that I was not there for them. We all have different coping strategies, sometimes I can cope other times I can’t and I have a melt down. It’s draining it takes over your life and it’s bloody awful. They are very clever when it comes to the emotional blackmail. It’s our fault, blah blah. I explode with anger seeing them destroy themselves then I calm down the next day. It’s lovely to see them normal. The boys I nurtured and love. It’s heartbreaking seeing them off their nuts. Well I am sure you feel the same. What can we do? Nothing. Mine don’t think they have a problem, they are not addicted?? Even though they do not do it daily in my eyes they are still addicts. Hope I am making sense to you and that you have a better day today than yesterday xx
How sad that we have all had to resort to looking for help on the internet. Everyone’s posts are so sad, and it is hard to speak out to others who will never truly understand how we feel unless have lived with it. I went through all the channels with one of my sons. Then it was child and family guidance. Complete waste of time. Psychiatrist behaviour support you name it I have done it. Was unable to work as never was given full time education even though he had statement of educational needs. Spent 10 years being sent round in circles to finally get diagnosis ADHD. I already knew this at age of 3 bring the 4th child I knew it was going to be a difficult time. So I can understand how you are all feeling as I have been there. Hopefully you will all get more help than I was ever offered. We were let down by the system and was left to me to contend with. I did the best I could and I have got this far. He’s not in prison. He has his own place, he’s always looked after his appearance so that was never an issue. But the mental side will always be there. The abuse, the sorry I did not mean it. The tantrums when I say no. I now have to detach myself away by just ignoring his messages for a couple days till he calms down. Have to be his councillor when he’s on his depressed state of mind. I will help him any way I can but I will not give into his demands any more. Even though I hate it it’s their choices (my sons) to do what they do. They openly let me know what they are doing. I advise them on the consequences I always have done. They know what damage it is doing to their mental state of minds and to the body but if they are not willing to stop it is out of my hands now they are adults. I have tried since the ages that you are all at now and all it has given me is stress and worry. My husband and I are getting older now and it should be our time to enjoy what time we have left as we are only here once. Yet I seem to spend my days constantly worrying about them two. It will never go away until you can emotionally detach yourselves away from them. Some parents have to and can, me personally I never will be able to but I have learnt to take a step back as no matter how calm or irrational I am it has not stopped them. My older two are fed up of listening to me and it’s not fair in them as they have their own lives and families which makes me feel so alone. Sorry if this has not helped any of you but I do hope you all get the help that is needed as I am sure there should be more help out there now to when mine were young. Good luck and try and stay strong all of you x
Hi there. I can relate to this. I was the same always giving in. Both mine have and still are there. I threw the worst one out 1 1/2 years ago. Stuck to my guns( I knew he was fine as sofa surfing at family/ friends). Due to mental health long story short he was housed. Lovely flat, he is 26 baring in mind I have been through the same as you. Abusive threatened because I say no(still do). He still continues to do weed and coke but it’s his home his choices. When he’s no money left I say no now. He makes his choices and he needs to learn. It’s a bit different for you at the moment as you are where I was 10 years ago. It’s hard it is draining but stick to your guns and let the authorities house him. Tell them you can’t cope and it’s effecting you both mentally and they will have to accommodate him. My son was never going to change and is still continuing to do what he wants, but it’s not an every day thing now as when he has no money left then he has to wait till he gets his next lot. I wish I had done this years ago as he’s learning slowly that no means no. He’s not going to stop the drugs or the gambling. I have meltdowns still where I can’t cope as I am also going through the same thing with my other son who’s still at home. Although he’s not demanding is older and works hard. Just the drugs and the gambling again. My older two do not have anything to do with them as they are against drugs etc. Keep saying no, it’s draining and makes you feel guilty but it works. I do cook for him when he is out of food. I do lend the odd fiver only now and again for milk or baccy. Which am guessing some people would say it’s wrong but it works for me. When they can do the things they want without a parent keep going on at them sometimes they tire of doing the same thing all the time with freedom. I may sound calm at the moment but believe me I am still going through hell just I get a couple days rest bite here and there. Hope this helps. Read some of the other posts. I joined yesterday and it actually calmed me down a little knowing that I am not alone. Far too much to go into this is just a the tip of the iceberg. Here if you need to talk x
Hi again just read your message. My son that still lives at home has just gone out, should have been at work. I am always trying to check up on him. His coat was here his bike still in shed so I knew he had not gone to work. Text him as I am worried about his mental state of mind with the drugs. He’s round his female friend so am guessing will be on drugs again tonight. He is 28 my other son is 26. Both mental health problems drugs and gambling. My two older children do not have much to do with them as they like myself are totally against what they are doing. This has been ongoing on and off since the ages of 16 and I feel helpless. I just thank god it’s not heroin, unlike some of the write ups I have read about. All the same it is still as worrying as a mother knowing what they are taking. I am so fed up of letting what they do rule my every day life. I told them that the stress will probably kill me one day. I also said if I did not care I would let you get on with it. Unfortunately the addiction is far stronger than the love and respect for the parents. We try to help them but they look at us as a hindrance. I feel bitterness towards my husband at times because he is the step father and he is watching tv without a care in the world and I have to burden all of the stress alone. It is not his fault but this is what happens. Addiction destroys families. I feel for you so much as your son is only young. This is how it started with mine. I never thought that they would both end up the way they have. One of my sons is under the mental health and I have asked them for help for myself. They said they would come to see me in two weeks so I can have someone to talk to. I really don’t know how much more I can take. I am so scared that one day they will overdose. Gambling on top causes suicide in young men so I am living on my nerves. Keep at it and don’t give up. I whinge I shout I ask questions I tell them the dangers etc, not that they don’t already know. But I am not going to sit back and let them get on with it and turn a blind eye. I don’t care how old they are I will not give up. I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through, and like you said, social media is a big thing nowadays. Keep your chin up. And you are not alone. I wish I could say it will get better. But hopefully your boy may be one of those who will grow out of it. Thankyou for the reply x
Hi it’s so sad reading through all these posts. All going through some form of torture. The verbal abuse the worry etc. I do not know what to say as it never goes away. I wish we had a magic wand to make all these addictions disappear. I hope you all find some time to love yourselves as we all deserve it. Every day is a struggle to us all by the sounds of things. My heart goes out to you all god bless
Hi have been in here reading all day. Addiction is an illness. Many people will never understand. I may seem biased here but sometimes I do not understand why. I have two sons with addictions and I would certainly be devastated if anything happens to them. But I would not be blaming them it is the addiction the illness that takes them away. Yes they are selfish in their own way because whatever pain they are going through they have the addiction to compensate. Us being the family or friends are the ones who have to suffer because we have that emotional bond. I say hurtful things to my sons because I am at my wits end. Seeing them destroy themselves and I am helpless. But they are not to blame it’s the illness and there are so many small minded people out there who have not experience addiction or mental health that will never empathise. Am sorry if I am going on but reading and replying is actually taking my mind off the torture I am going through and is the reason I signed up to this site. Desperate is not the word but believe me, the addict is also suffering just they can numb it. We can’t!
Hi I joined here today and have spent most of the day reading other people’s stories. I empathise with you as I have been going through hell for many years. It’s normal we as parents get blamed for there wrong doings. I also miss my boys. I have tried helping them but they need to want to help themselves. I won’t go into detail as I am here answering your concerns. I never really speak to people as they do not understand if they have not lived with mental illness drug addiction or gambling. Unfortunately I have the full whammy from 2 out of 4 children. Being the two are the younger ones. Society has changed loads and as I am older I am finding it more n more difficult to understand life today. I do hope you can find help. I am still alone trying to cope. But I must admit my desperation brought me here today. I got the courage to let my feelings out. And to read about what other people are going through, even though devastating, I am not alone. You are not alone. Also I don’t cover up their addiction any more. I tell my family now. Although truthfully I do keep the majority to myself through embarrassment and feeling a failure. But it’s not our fault.
Hi
So sad reading your story. I wish I could make it better for you but I don’t even know how to sort the mess out that am going through. Same thoughts as yourself but we have to pull through this. Especially you being pregnant. Maybe you should call the Samaritans or as the lady stated above. I only came on here today as I am at breaking point. It would be great if we could all detach ourselves as it seems the ones with the addiction are struggling but can not feel the pain that we as parents and family have to endure. If you read this then please try and speak to someone as it’s not easy being pregnant never mind losing your sister/ best friend to addiction. Please take care of yourself. X
Betsyhaggis I feel for you. I know the fear and anxiety approach. The lies the denial. Do you feel the hate and say awful things then the regret and guilt of saying horrible things. It’s never ending. I guess I am approaching it in the wrong way. I have tried the right way and that did not work. If you find an answer which there probably isn’t let me know please. All I can say is your a brave strong woman to still be there. Bless you