[dfh]

Hi lemony, hope you are ok?

I can’t really give much help but will try my best. I’m on here on and off, think you know my situation. Husband addicted to opiates and crack.

I had a rant on here a while ago…had pretty much reached a point where I wanted to make it work but was reluctant to get dragged along on the roller coaster any further. Like you, middle of a house sale/purchase and he was unable to get a mortgage due to payday loans etc.

So, I pushed ahead with house and distanced myself from his behaviour. At first he threw it in my face in arguments but then he must have realised he was the problem. He reached out to his key worker who arranged detox and then rehab. He was that bad he used the night before detox. Since then, he has done detoc and went straight to rehab today in fact. It’s looking promising. I move house next friday and me and my kids are so much more relaxed.

My advice, press on with what you need to do. Distance from his behaviour but not him. He has to realise himself he needs help and only he can do that journey. Don’t carry his baggage by worrying. There’s little to nothing you can do for him any way and only you will ultimately lose out. Be strong, supportive and there for him but distance yourself from the harmful side of it.

It will all work out I promise you. You have been on this path as long as I have been on here. I wish you the best, you will get through xx

[dfh]

Hi Jay

Sorry you are dealing with this right now.

Can you ask him if he has anywhere else he could stay? If he can’t abide by rules then he can’t stay in the house. Point out that he is putting others at risk and if it continues he needs to leave.

As far as the drugs, only he can get help. If it ultimately leads to homelessness then that is a direct result of his actions and he has to deal with that. You are enabling him.

It’s hard but you have to stop protecting him from himself.

I’m in your position but further down the line. My addict is in recovery and I had to do what I’m advising you. Step back and stop covering. It will get easier for you xx

[dfh]

He needs to be ready to get help by himself. Tracking him and running round after him won’t help. All you can do is wait for him to want help, but do it from a safe distance emotionally. Xx

[dfh]

Stop. You need to stop. Stop giving him money and stop letting your son get in between you and your husband.

What if you didn’t have the money to give him? What would you do then?

I get your situation. My husband is the same, constantly asking for money. Small difference is he actually pays it back BUT I still spend half my life pretending to be and telling him I’m skint. He finds it elsewhere. 9 times out of 10 the dealers aren’t owed that much. They don’t allow debt and if they did then it wouldn’t be a lot. Sounds like your son has found the key to having you as his cash machine. You need to brave up. Tell him that 2k was the last of your money. You don’t have anymore. Stand your ground. Imagine if it was the last you had. Stick to it.

I once told my husband I had 23 pound to last a week. He took it. I knew he would but I just wanted to know if he would put me and 3 kids in a position where we had 3 pound to our name. That’s when I learnt that your only as good as your bank balance to them. Luckily I lied, it did stop him asking for that week so I’ve done that ever since.

I’ve stood back and watched him pawn gold chains, ipad and even his wedding ring. It’s awful but they are his things and he’s got to learn.

He promised to go rehab but now uses that as a excuse. He says he won’t go rehab if no one trust’s him but uses that as a way to get round people.

You have to either stay one step ahead or back off and detach.

I’ve tried both, one I tried for years the other I’ve put in place over last few months. You are better off detaching. Do it slowly if need be but do not give him any more money. Concentrate on your marriage instead.

Hugs xx

[dfh]

You can’t help him, he is responsible for getting help. The more you try the less he will want to. By all means get some info on where to get help and help him that way but your just going to wear yourself out trying to make him.

You can lead a horse to water and all that.

14 years in the same boat as you has taught me a lot. Nothing is ever enough, there’s always a reason or excuse why they cant/won’t get help, it’s mainly someone else’s fault and they will lie, beg and steal to get their next hit. You will never know the true extent of their addiction.

Stop battling him and start focussing on you and your kids. Distract yourself with them. They need you, he doesn’t. He’s an adult.

My husband has chosen crack and heroin over family, managed to miss out on 3 kids growing up and has wasted money and time on drugs. I havent allowed myself to waste time on trying to change him. And I’m glad. I hope you get the strength you need to concentrate 100% on your kids and not on him. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. X

[dfh]

Hi Leah12

Sorry you are going through this. Crack is cocaine, it’s just a different name and is used differently.

Crack binges are very common. And an addict would sell their gran to the devil for a fix.

You need to emotionally detach from him. And believe me when I say this but take the opportunity he has given you by him leaving. He is a grown man, big enough to look after himself. Your children rely on YOU. So you need to concentrate on yourself and them. Leave him to do whatever he feels is more important.

I am typing this while my crack addict husband is out doing whatever he feels is more important. He been out since 1pm. I took my kids and had a walk on the beach, ate ice cream and had a nice day. I won’t have him ruin mine and my kids day. Trust me I’ve had 14 years of this and it does not get better only worse. I could only dream of him leaving me. I know I’m not strong enough yet to leave him. But I won’t allow him to steal me from my kids.

It’s going to be hard but honestly take the opportunity.

This weekend alone I have had him overdose on heroin and then a few hours after that he passed out in a bush for 5 hours. You DO NOT want to live like that. It’s awful. Please take my advice. Sending you hugs x

[dfh]

You’re definately not alone. Any advice I can give I will.

It sounds like you have reached the end of your tolerance with him. I would take the opportunity to cut ties. The longer you are in this the harder it becomes. Trust me. I think back many times before I had my middle child – his biological first with me. If I’d have had the insight then as to what I know now I would have left and never looked back. I stuck with him out of sheer determination to get the best out of him. Turns out he sucked the life out of me. Well, not all coz I’m very stubborn and hard to change but I can imagine if I was built different then I would be a mess. I would be broke, homeless and empty. Do not allow him to do this to you. Walk away while you can, you can do it! Xx

[dfh]

I have no words. You sound a very strong individual. Much love to you xx

[dfh]

Here is a great source of help and reassurance. Xx

[dfh]

Yea I get how you feel. It’s the toll it takes, your own subconscious trying to take over in order to protect yourself. You need to listen to that instinct. Especially so if you don’t have children. I’d run for the hills if I’m honest. I am backing away slowly, less damaging in my situation. It’s important to do what’s best for you. I have dreams where I love house and don’t tell him! Haha! Xx

[dfh]

Thanks – I’m sure you will get there but don’t pin all your energy on him. I mean that in the nicest way. He is ultimately responsible for being happy and not depressed. It’s not your job. He needs to find a way through, you can only support him emotionally. If you try to focus on him too much you will forget yourself and all that will be achieved is both of you will become unhappy and resentful. You HAVE to look after you first. Xx

[dfh]

No, no more tears. That’s the point I’m hoping you will get to before the situation gets like mine. And that’s a real possibility. Imagine the worst it could ever be and understand that it’s very possible.

I’m married which makes it more difficult to just give up completely. I guess I’ll always be on the sideline somewhere just making sure he is ok. There to help him make positive moves forward but equally important keeping away from negative sides.

Have a look at CRAFT, that helps. It may help you more with the stage you are at. Xx

[dfh]

I think the itching is something that can affect some but not all. I picked up on a lot of this purely because in the beginning all I wanted to do was protect him and make sure he was ok. That started to take over my life until I realised that he wasn’t bothered what happened to him and I was driving myself mad trying to look out for him for the both of us. Thinking back it was stupid really. I’ve been in crazy situations…I actually hate thinking about it.

He’s spawned stuff, like wedding ring, laptop, gold chain, watch, tablet and got out payday loans. Usually pawns stuff over and over. His belongings are in the cash converters more than with him. I used to pay to get them back out mainly coz I bought them but now I don’t. It’s pointless. I also don’t buy him anything either anymore. He “lost” a pair of £200 trainers and his car. I know. Don’t ask.

And he does the same as your ex, drives round high as a kite and sleep deprived. Annoyingly he never seems to get caught off the police. He’s been on this last bender since last weds and has not been stopped once. I just don’t get it.

Sits in his van, for hours, doing his stupid stuff. Doesn’t eat or sleep or wash. Then I get random texts saying he thinks someone is trying to get in his van. It’s ridiculous. This last episode has been worse. He is hallucinating and is incoherent. He is talking literal gibberish. He has slept today thank god.

I honestly do not ever think he will kick the habit. It’s more the crack than heroin. But they go hand in hand. I absolutely love the bones of him and he does me but it’s heart breaking to watch this crazy behaviour and then there’s the kids. My eldest is 19 and isn’t daft. She knows. I can’t carry on this single life with a destructive person on board. My next step is a watch and wait with the rehab. That will show me if he’s committed to getting clean. If not I’m going to have to leave. I used to think I couldn’t leave because he would end up dead somewhere. And that if I didn’t look out for him the same, he would overdose. Now I realise the alternative is I risk waking up next to a dead body. Honestly once you start detaching you see things more rationally. I think you reach that point naturally if you get that far that is. Most people end up very ill trying to cope with an addict. It’s exhausting. Any way I’m always on here, so ever you need me let me know. Hugs xx

[dfh]

14 years of him doing it, I imagine I have learnt more from having to pick up clues and signs so that I can be one step ahead.

For me the alarm sign was him itching his skin til it bled. That is a classic crack cocaine use sign. Crack bugs – the addict feels like they have bugs on them.

2nd sign – £20 That is the price for one rock. I know coz I’ve been asked a million times to lend that particular amount and he’s told me sometimes that’s what it’s for.

And no, he would only need literally 5/10 mins away to do it. Then it’s gone. And he will be hell bent trying to find more money. There is a telltale sign she can look for. Or 2. A smell of burnt plastic. And a really skitty look, like he just won’t want to face her. He will be acting odd.

Heroin smells like those bacon frazzled crisps. It’s disgusting. I have learnt to look out for these signs just so I can lock down my bank account and tell him I’m skint, hide car keys and move valuables. I’m like a weird detective!! I laugh coz if I didn’t I’d fall apart.

If I can share this with others to help them then something good has come from it at least…oh and prob the reason I still have valuables!

Anything else just shout xx

[dfh]

Good to hear from you Hox!

You have to set yourself these goals, the goal is to make yourself happy.

I bought a house before I got with him but 2 more kids and the house is now too small. So we both agreed to sell up and get a joint mortgage. Turns out a blip on his credit file meant harder to get high st lender mortgage so found a higher interest lender that would. Any way turns out he then spent his entire 2k wage on drugs despite him knowing we needed his bank statements for mortgage application. Not content with that he did it again this month! I cancelled joint application and set myself up for single application just after his first bender. Just been accepted now. My suspicions are that he wanted to get his hands on the equity, coz he totally went off on a rant when I told him I’d been accepted. Previous to that he was fine with it but prob as he thought I wouldn’t have any chance. Well he’s wrong. And if he thinks I’m going to put my kids at risk he can think again. I’ve stood on my own 2 feet long enough to do the best I can with no help elsewhere. He is now in the middle of a pity party, moaning it’s still not his house, moaning I won’t lend him money, moaning I’ll have loads of money from sale of house and he won’t- I actually won’t coz it’s for house stuff. And then telling anyone who will listen that he won’t be living there coz he’s going to rehab.

Well he needs it, he’s been up for 6 days straight on a bender. His entire wages gone – I made sure he gave me back what I lent him last month.

I’m not interested in his antics. They are tiring and not healthy. I distanced myself around Dec and it’s the best thing I’ve done. Yes he has noticed, chucks it in the arguments now but I’m past caring. Well I’m going to keep myself busy with moving and leave him to it. See if he actually does go rehab. Sure as hell not staying with us if he doesn’t.

Hox & Lostone – believe me when I tell you that you are strong, you have the deep set will power to achieve anything. You will change your mindset and let the addict affect you less. Distance yourself – take yourself out of the chaos. Concentrate on you and your kids. You know the strongest people are those who live with addicts. They have and can deal with so much more than some people could only dare think was possible. You need to look after yourself. Love yourself! Xx

[Author]

Posts