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Luckily I’m financially dependant. He always pays back any money he borrows and to be honest it’s more hassle to not lend him. I’m finding this new approach much less stressful and now I can see he’s having to make changes because I’m not his safety net from outsiders seeing what is going on. I used to cover his ass constantly but now I’ve taken a backseat he is having to change. In my mind I’ve always helped because that showed I cared if that makes sense. Now I see it differently, I still care but I need to stop letting it take over my life and I need to look after myself. I will remain his support when he needs and the non addict which helps him stay clean but I can’t do anymore. I can’t tell him what to do. I can only encourage the right steps and ignore the chaos. Xx

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Hi Lemony

Thanks for your reply and advice. Funnily enough I have started to back off and leave him to it over the last week or so. I found needles so I suspect he’s injecting. I have pretty much run out of steam now. While I’ve backed off I still get annoyed when he spends all his money on it and then borrows off me when he runs out and I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him. I’m now learning to just refrain from nagging about it and giving in. It’s not my scene so I’m going to leave him to it. I will be there to support him when he’s ready. It’s just too draining to ride the coaster with him now. X

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Well over the last couple of weeks it’s been really bad, and this weekend even worse. I don’t actually know what else to do.

It feels like it’s more important to him than me and the kids. I’ve got to carry on providing for family and paying bills on mat pay and not relying on him for any emotional or financial help. I feel drained of everything and don’t actually know what else to do.

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Hi Debbie, thanks for your reply. Just want to point out one thing, it is not your fault. I got used to being the one to blame for him using very early on. I realised I wasn’t and in fact only he is responsible for what he does. If I had that kind of power I’d be akin to God! Addicts get very good at blame and manipulation I’ve found. My partner will start a fight or argument over nothing just to justify his using. It’s stupid. I’ve grown wise to a lot of ways they go about transferring blame. They never take responsibility. I can relate, I used to justify recreational use as my way of coping. It wasn’t, because it didn’t help. It made me on the same level as him. And it took me away from my kids and my life. They need me more than I needed to use to cope. So I found other ways to cope, like being in control of my own life to benefit my kids. Luckily I’m not an addictive person as it was very short lived but it did give me insight into the choices made and how they logically apply it daily. I hope this makes sense. I used to think he had an easy life, easy way out. Wrong. He is simply rose tinting life but it’s all fake, pretend. He will realise how much he missed in that haze he called life.

I have tried and tried and never given up but he just continues his path of destruction. I don’t know how else or what else to try.

Keep your chin up and remember you can’t control his behaviour and your certainly not to blame. X

O

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No probs danman83 – no doubt I’m going to be around for the foreseeable so if u need an ear just shout.

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Yea I know that feeling well. I have a really good friend who listens and gives me sound advice but I know she wouldn’t judge my decision to stand by him.

I hate everything about this situation. How can it mean so much to them that they risk everything?

You absolutely need to look after yourself x

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One relapse – do not be so hard on yourself. You have recognised your triggers, that’s amazing. Honestly sounds like you have come further than you realise. Keep going and please don’t be too hard on yourself.

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Use this time to look after yourself. You need to leave him to do whatever it is he feels he needs to do. Cocaine causes major disruptions in brain chemistry, extreme highs but also extreme lows. He may be feeling guilty and disappointment in himself. Find a local group for families of addicts and go. More insight is key and you can learn how to help in the best way. Lool for support for him so you can suggest it to him, she’s him a contact number or day/time/place so he has the choice to go if he really wants help. That’s all you can do. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hope you have someone to talk to. I’ll be around on here for the foreseeable as my partner is addicted to crack cocaine and I’m in same boat as you.

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Exactly same as I was. It was ridiculous. I started looking at it as paying money to feel crap essentially. I do still have times where I think about it but I try and skip to the rough bits. I think – I actually need a full nights sleep so I it’s not a possibility anyway. Keep in mind blocked nose, feeling crap and wasted money. Spend the money on something worthwhile, it helps to treat yourself in a different way. It was hard but I persevered as like you I was ready to stop. Cravings last 5 minutes max. Get busy until it passes. Honestly you can do it.

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Hi, I’m in exactly the same boat. I have someone who is addicted to crack cocaine and was addicted to heroin. Can’t say they got clean from heroin as it keeps resurfacing. I have stood by for 14 years. Nothing has changed,maybe only the lies or that they don’t go off for days on end. They are unreliable with money and dont have any responsibility. I left once but that didnt help. Cant twll you to stay or leave but know that it will and does become part of your life if you do stay. You become addicted to the chaos if that makes sense, addicted to helping them. It’s hard and horrible but make sure you look after you. Have you a friend you can confide in?

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By chance I joined on here again this morning actually as someone who’s partner is an addict.

I have some personal experience of what you are going through, I turned to cocaine to cope with another’s addiction.

I ended up like you doing it all the time after I thought I had it under control.

What I found worked was to remind myself of all the bad parts like no sleep, the cost and the sleepless nights. I distracted myself at the point I craved. It’s hard but I did it. Not sure if this helps you but couldn’t read and not post.

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