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I’m right here with you stephie86. My (recovering) alcoholic ex left me earlier this year and I’m trying my hardest to move on, but I do feel terribly bitter at times. I supported this man through the worst times in his life, sticking by him through rehab, numerous relapses and therapy. I wasn’t perfect and held a lot of resentments (often subconsciously), which made me difficult to live with at times. My bitterness stems from reflecting on my own lost opportunities from living with an alcoholic and the betrayal of being dumped when I thought we were finally moving towards a new life together after so much pain. It seems he was living a double-life and was never honest with me about how he really felt. Now he’s left, he (as far as I can tell) is happy. I try not to go looking for information about him and we’re no longer connected on social media but occasionally I stumble across snippets and it pulls me back into my negative thoughts. I feel (probably unfairly) that he never suffered any real consequences from his alcoholism – he never had any long-term health problems, never lost his job and is now flourishing in his career. I sacrificed a lot over the years and it feels unfair that he benefits from that while I suffer. But life isn’t fair and we can’t expect to be rewarded for the sacrifices we make (especially when dealing with addicts). If we hold onto our bitterness we are never going to be able to flourish ourselves. It’s just going to take time and effort to focus on us from now on.

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Themidgetgem, I read your story here and it sounded so similar to my situation right now.

My husband, who is apparently sober now, told me he didn’t want me anymore and I then found out he had been sending flirtatious messages to someone else. We have been together nearly 20 years and I cannot believe the things I did out of love for him all that time, including keeping his alcoholism a secret for many years and then eventually helping him get into recovery. I now wonder if he really is sober, hiding that he’s been drinking again or ‘white-knuckling’ it. It definitely doesn’t seem like the actions of a normal human being.

I am deeply hurt by his actions but I know I don’t deserve the massive disrespect he has shown me by hiding how he felt, not communicating with me and going behind my back. I’m just scared of being on my own now having been together so long – and that’s without any kids involved, so I can’t imagine how it must be for you. You are a strong person and you deserve happiness.

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Since I’ve posted my own story I’ve been catching up on these threads. I’m sad to read so many people suffering similar hardships with their partners and can relate to the whirlwind of emotions you’re going through. It might not mean much from an internet stranger but I salute you all for sharing your experiences and for your strength in facing them. I wish none of us were in this unhappy club and I wish you all the very best for a positive future.

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Today I woke up wondering what the point was of waking up at all. At times it’s like an out of body experience – I still can’t quite process that this is happening to me. I’m not ready to move on. And then I just replay in my mind the things he said, the things he did, the things I did, the things I wish I’d said or done. We can’t go back and change it but my heart aches for that. I do have regrets. Wishing that I’d been enough for him so he wouldn’t go looking elsewhere. That he’d recognise that I was never perfect but I loved him and that’s why I stood by him through all his hard times.

I am managing to wash and dress myself, and feed our animals but it’s all just going through the motions. I haven’t been able to face work – my head is all over the place. I haven’t eaten properly for five days now. I am still utterly alone and haven’t seen another human since he left the house. Even as I write this I get angry with myself that I’m attention-seeking and looking for pity. I hurt myself more by imagining him doing fine off on his own, feeling relief rather than any guilt or the pain and confusion I feel.

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What a lovely, kind message. I’ve been feeling pretty worthless and lonely but I take a lot of comfort in your words. Thank you.

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I can’t really answer whether he’s normally impulsive – I feel like he’s bottled up so much of his genuine personality with me over the years that I don’t really know who he is. I feel like he has never truly been open with me about how he has felt, leaving me just assuming that everything was OK, instead of having honest conversations before they escalated to the point of being unable to be around me anymore.

He has already left to stay with a sober friend, already making plans for his new life without me, while I’m still reeling from something I never knew was coming. Yesterday I saw he’d left his wedding ring on the hall table, which just broke me all over again.

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Thank you so much for your kind words. It did come out of the blue – there had been no lead up with him saying about being unhappy, it’s just been some sort of lightning bolt realisation that I am not the one for him. I’ve also now discovered he had developed feelings for a colleague at work, which seems to have been a catalyst for it all. Again, a total shock and so hurtful I can’t express it in words. He’s a couple of years into being sober although he’s been in and out of recovery for about six now.

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I’m glad it helped you and I hope that your friend does continue to recover. It is amazing how physical appearance can change when someone’s taking better care of him/herself isn’t it! I definitely noticed this too.

Just a thought on rehab – I really thought that when my husband went to rehab he would come out ‘fixed’, but I learnt the hard way that recovery isn’t a straight road and there might still be relapses even afterwards. That doesn’t mean that rehab isn’t useful, or that the person will never get sober, but it isn’t a magic fix (especially if the person won’t accept there’s a problem or put the work in). It sounds like you are being optimistic and supportive, but not unrealistic, which is definitely a good way to approach things.

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In my personal experience, no I’m not seeing that. The main thing I’ve noticed is that he is becoming more assertive and better at setting boundaries, which is no bad thing although surprising at times given his general tendency in the past to bottle things up and retreat into drinking rather than confronting issues. His meetings and therapy have really helped him work things through and get to a better place. Having that support means he is starting to be able to articulate how he’s feeling and have adult conversations about it. We’ve also had couples counselling together, which I don’t think I mentioned before but again, really helpful.

I can understand where you’re coming from – it can be a real struggle for us as partners to unpick what’s ‘addict’ versus ‘normal’ behaviour caused by other things like work, home life, other health issues or even hormones (a big factor for women I would say). I remember I found it particularly difficult to relax and not be constantly wondering if he was being honest after having been gaslit by him for so many years about his drinking. It’s taken a good few years for me to work through it and there’s still work to be done.

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I’m sorry you’re in this position Primrose250. You sound very similar to me. Just like you, I find the lying the hardest – I can accept he has a problem but I struggle to accept him not being open about it when he’s in the depths of his drinking.

I’ve also been worried about him losing his job. He works at home so it’s much easier for him to ‘disappear’ and drink, and I’ve wondered how he’s managed to get away with it for so long.

We had to tell his work about it when we eventually checked him into a rehab facility and he wouldn’t be able to work for several weeks. They were shocked but very supportive of him, so I guess we were lucky in that respect.

He also goes to AA, but just going isn’t enough – the alcoholic has to work the programme and follow the steps. Do you think your husband is doing that yet?

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Your partner sounds very similar to my husband in that social anxiety is a real factor in his alcoholism, as well as serious self-esteem issues stemming from his childhood.

I hope you do find some support for yourself – if it helps, I found my local group on the Al-Anon website here: https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

To answer your question – yes, sometimes I do wonder, but I can’t dwell on that too much while I’m trying to focus on supporting him through recovery and having a ‘normal’ life. Sometimes easier said than done!

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Thank you for your messages. I do hope that in some small way I can help others feel less alone, as you have done for me. My husband is home again now after having been away and had time to reflect on things – he feels, as I do, that we are still worth fighting for.

Trainer28, you are right that it can sometimes take all of your strength and focus to support an alcoholic partner. And you’re not sure if you did let people know this was happening, whether they would judge you or try to understand. It took me a very long time to open up to family and friends about this problem. Of course they were shocked and saddened by it, and didn’t fully understand it – nor did I when I first came to realise that my husband was an alcoholic. When I look back, I was eaten up with stress and anxiety so much that I wasn’t thinking straight myself, and did a lot of things that didn’t help, or at least weren’t going to change our situation.

Over time we’ve all been learning together about this awful illness, but still it’s difficult for other people to truly understand and know how they would act unless you’re living through it like we are. The things that have helped me the most are forums like this, and going to family support meetings, so I can learn more myself and find comfort in feeling I’m not alone.

I know what you mean when you say you feel selfish for being relieved about how long he’s stayed sober – believe me I’ve been there too – but please don’t feel that way. You can be pleased for him and for yourself, enjoying the changes his sobriety has no doubt brought you.

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Immediately after his recent relapse, he was quick to suggest we split, but I asked him to put any decisions on hold until both of us were able to reflect and think more clearly about things.

I’ve since told him I don’t want us to separate and have suggested we try to work things out together, for example going to counselling/meetings together. He is thinking about it and I’m waiting for a response. I know he has to do what’s right for him and his recovery, and I’ve told him I understand that.

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It is very hard Mnon when you are trying to support someone through their addiction. I’ve tried all sorts of things to help – checking him into rehab, locking the drinks cupboard, getting rid of alcohol from the house, having people over to ‘babysit’ him so he can’t go out and buy booze – but none of these things matter because the addict has to want to change himself, nobody can do it for him.

I noticed that you said you’re the wage earner, so are there some boundaries you can set with your money so only you have access to it? If it’s your money, you should be the one in control of spending it.

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Hello Gil, I can’t offer any answers but I empathise with you. My husband is an alcoholic and I’ve spend so much time over the years questioning and doubting myself, when he was in denial or lying about what he’d been doing.

Please take care of yourself and get support if you need it.

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