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How are things now Nessa?
It sounds awful for you. Objectively though – your friends are not your friends if they judge you. Your husband is ill – not horrid. When we are anaesthetised we do strange things – behave out of character – see the alcohol as the cause of your pain, not your husband. Try to stay strong.
Maybe the argument was a lever for him to go off and do what he wanted to at that time (drink? see the other woman? or just escape the guilt of confronting what he is struggling with). Impossible to say , so be clear and objective. Set boundaries and don’t shift from them. If you love him, tell him so, but also tell him what he must do to sort out the problems.
If the children are young, then keep them out of it as much as you can.
Sending you good wishes…..
Hi,
Yes if you have a teen challenge support worker in your local area then they will be happy to meet with you and or him.
Remeber supporting him does not mean enabling him, so don’t give any money, allow drugs into your home or support anything other than his rehab, counselling and building him up.
You say you are fragile but actually you are strong – much more so than he is. Falling apart now and then is normal! so do something nice today with someone who will encourage you.
XX
Cath,
What a lovely story of commitment and love in the most difficult of times. Sounds like this man doesn’t want to hurt you and recognises that he can’t not hurt you. he wants you but he doesn’t want to hurt you, so he hurts you by not seeing you. An addicts life is a mess and anti lit’s sorted out so will yours be.
Agree boundaries (? only texting/writing/messaging) whilst you seek medical/social/emotional support for yourself and he goes to rehab.
If you love him best thing you can do is look after yourself, give him some distance and wait. If you can.
Expect to be hurt, disappointed, confused and upset and an emotional basket case for a while – this is horrendous for you. However you are strong enough to seek help here and elsewhere so remember – you are not weak you are WORRIED and strong. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t hurt.
Give him time – Rehab for him and support for you and your future could be very different. But if he won’t rehab then walk away and save yourself my dear.
Look at the teenchallenge support – it has the highest success rates of any rehab programme. XX
Bless you Julie,
No one understand the love of a mother unless they are a mother themselves and even then we don’t really understand it until it is tested to the limit.
If you can talk to her tell her you love her and praise the smallest things she does which are positive at every opportunity. Seize any small glimmer of her communicating a desire to change – ‘I’m sick of feeling like this’ …. ‘ My life is sh1t’ etc.
Try not be preach but question and then she will question herself and that is positive.
If you are a praying person I would advise you to pray too – it will help you and bring about hope beyond that awful helplessness feeling. Otherwise keep a diary which you can share with her when needed, it might bring her a better sense of perspective and also help you see which direction things are going.
You sound like a most worried mother but one who is strong and actively seeking all the help she can. expect to be not sleeping, stressed and emotional – bravery doesn’t come without fear, so be kind to yourself, surround yourself with positive people and cancel as many stressors in your life which you can. Then you’ll be in a better place to help your daughter and stay sane! X
Dear Lissy,
You say you can’t live a life where you are being lied to but that is exactly what you’re doing! and even more so you are enabling this man to lie to you, use you and deceive you by not confronting him every time you find a bottle and he lies.
Whatever his backstory- no matter how traumatic and tragic the drink will heighten his anxiety and depression.
Give him an ultimatum – go to AA or the GP and get help for his drinking otherwise choose your path – see my post to that dear girl planning a wedding with an alcoholic fiancé.
You are not alone – you are a strong woman, doing your best and seeking help whilst trying to love your husband in the most difficult of situations. Get yourself some support and look after yourself first, so that his problems don’t totally destroy you both. XX
Wow – you sound like an amazing fiance – how lucky this poor man is to have you in his life. A lady who organises, plans, funds a home and loves him against the odd of her friends…..
Fast forward two years – five years, you are married with a child with a husband who didn’t sort himself out in 2018. He is now drinking all day, out of work, wasting your money, lies and gets violent when you confront him and he’s probably impotent. Social services are involved to protect you and your child. You are lonely, very stressed, desperate and ill – no one understands why you put up with it – now you’re not sure why you do either but you loved him once and you feel responsible, because you are married and you chose this path. You are not responsible for your finances mental health and alcoholism but you can choose to help him.
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Don’t give him any money. Open another bank account in only your name and star to save – for your future. Otherwise you will risk losing your house, your family and friends and your sanity.
Your wedding plans are pointless while you are feeling like this. Postpone them and get some help. Go to your GP – book a double appointment and ask for help and a referral to a counsellor or support group.
Step back and look at your life. What would you tell your sister/best friend if they were where you are now?
You are not responsible for your fiancé’s health – he is. If he commits suicide you will feel distraught, angry and lost but you still won’t be responsible my dear girl.
Make him take responsibility – give him a deadline to do so and support him all you can whilst he seeks help and if he won’t then choose your path from one of two – walking away or a life of struggle, hardship and misery.
Show him your post – tell him how you feel. Is he supporting you – even a little bit emotionally?
Sending you all good wishes for a bright future you deserve.
Get yourself some support Sheila – go to your own GP if you are over anxious and she will help you with that. There must be some local support where you live. Try your GP, the local church or drug counselling agencies. The charity Teen Challenge may have support workers in your local area – their rehab programmes are free and they’re a great support.
Tell him how proud you are of him every day, build up his self esteem and most of all look after yourself.
Being brave never comes without fear.
Good luck
How dreadful – my heart goes out to you and your precious daughter.
Get yourself some support either from http://www.teenchallenge.org.uk
or google The Recover Course who do 12 week courses for addicts and family support alongside.
Cocaine, tramadol and ketamine are highly addictive and only rehab will save her I’m sorry to say, so in the meantime save yourselves and do all that you can to stop enabling her – cut all money streams and don’t trust her. T
In the meantime try and engage with her beyond talking about her drug habits. Take her out and try and be interested in her as a person. Drug counsellors use Motivational Interviewing techniques to get the addict to think about the consequences of their drug taking – rather than lecture; ask her questions which will make her think about what she is doing to herself.
Call the police or crimestoppers anonymously to report the dealers or even your daughter if she is under 18 she is a minor and it is a safeguarding situation – she may be being exploited – in which case you can report her to the Multi-agency Safeguarding Hub – better to do that before she is 19. Call the college counsellors and tell them of your concerns. Expect lies and to be used and manipulated.
Take her to the GP
Heartbreaking but stay strong. Loving her will not be shown by giving him money.
Sending all good wishes for strength and wisdom. xx
Absolutely doing the right thing – set clear boundaries and stick to them and maybe tell your mother who is vulnerable to exploitation.
Get yourself some support either from http://www.teenchallenge.org.uk
or google The Recover Course who do 12 week courses for addicts and family support alongside.
Cocaine and benzodiazepines are highly addictive and only rehab will save him I’m sorry to say, so in the meantime save yourselves and do all that you can to stop enabling him.
Call the police or crimestoppers anonymously to report the dealer or even your brother – make him homeless if he won’t seek help. Until he wants to change you and your dear Mum will be used and manipulated.
Heartbreaking but stay strong. Loving him will not be shown by giving him money.
Sending all good wishes for strength and wisdom. xx