Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I’m sorry you are going through this. Crack is so highly addictive. He is better away from you, in my opinion. Do your research.
People going through crack addiction seem to think of nothing but the next hit… trying to get high all the time and will do anything to get it…. when they are not doing it they are miserable and can be violent and agreessive on a come down. Not what you want around young children.
I’ve been dealing with this with my child’s father, whom I currently live with, for over like 2 years now and it’s a living nightmare that I’m trying to escape from.
Hey Natasha
How are you doing? How’s things at home?
So I came back. He had the longest time clean – around somewhere between 9 and 11 days (not sure exactly when he stopped). He was hell to live with during this time… swinging between abusive/violent and lovely. Was being more present for our child than before and playing with them… but also so volatile.
He claimed he wanted to stop. He could have got on tick but didn’t. So I believed and supported him even though at times he has been so abusive to me. Anyway, I got paid today and had said I’d help him pay to go away visit some friends for a sporting event he wanted to go to… on the other side of the country this weekend. When the plans fell through because of travel issue with the bank holiday affecting the public transport he took the money I’d give him to go away and has now gone and spent that on cigarettes and drink (which I was okay with because quitting everything at once is challenging) and then on the sly he has literally just gone and got the white stuff.
I’m so upset. I’ve just been crying by myself. I’m so sad that I trusted him. I told him when I gave him the money that he was expressly not to use it for any drugs and that I didn’t even want to give him any money due to trust issues and such… and he has on the very same afternoon I said that… gone and done that and broken my trust.
I’m literally done.
No housing came up for bidding this week. I don’t see how I can live here with out child anymore when he cannot control himself at all. I just want to go now… I’m in such a state because he literally doesn’t care how he affects us at all. I’ve just gone through over a week of dealing with him coming off the drug only for him to go back to it.
He commented to me before that when he’d previously had active addiction before it was for 1 or 2 months at most and didn’t openly affect anyone else as he lived by himself… so he knows what he’s doing and he’s still choosing to do that to me and our child.
Hey lovely
Oh my… the 5 a.m. or middle of the night waking you up to say they’re hungry. Mine does the exact same. It makes me feel really angry… because I have always prepared food and he’s just chosen not to eat it! So then he expects/orders me to get up and heat his food up… when I’m so tired and have either been sleeping or trying to get to sleep. I wait on the man hand and foot.
Mine made the same accusation a while ago about me having all his money and also told other people that untruth. Plus, he also started asking how much I was earning (mine fluctuates as I freelance) and where it was etc.
What you said about weight loss – so in my limited experience, this has happened to my addict twice. Both times when he switched to doing crack. A person can either buy the rocks of crack that people tend to think about or create it from the powder. Do you think he might have switched to doing that instead of just the powder. I noticed mine would do powder around others and the crack by himself.
Since the switch to crack is when things really took a turn for the worse as it completely changed his mood… paranoia, psychosis, unable to sleep, suicidal and very agressive/violent when off it.
I also have had the same thoughts about OD. My one took an OD of prescription meds last autumn. Someone found him… not long before it would have been no turning back and they were able to save him. You can imagine how I’ve felt about that at times. Life would be so much easier without having to deal with this!
So today he admitted that the money he had promised me he’d pay me back he got early on Monday (like earlier than planned) and in his words… he messed up and spent it (on a thing). So…. my conversation yesterday with him was based upon him knowing he’d done that and me not knowing… all the time be blames me for using and when I’m not there he’s still using. Ironic.
Anyway, he is arranging to get his family to pay me back as it’s put me into unarranged overdraft, for the second time recently, and I’m beyond unhappy about that. So I hope his family do help this time.
Anyway, I begged him one final time to confide in his doc for his sake and that of our child. He won’t as he doesn’t think they can help.
He basically told me he has thrown everything out associated with the stuff and stopped answering the calls/texts and started to get his affairs in order. I need to ask him if he’s deleted the numbers. Thing is, even if he does, he knows people who he could get the numbers off again so hardly much of a precaution.
I return there tomorrow… massive sigh… here we go again.
You are right….we are this together. Life has to get better.
Hi! I’m glad you’re okay.
The dog walking is a good time to think while outside the house. I ‘think’ when I’m taking my child to their childcare several times a week.
Yes, I’ve had the same thought. Mine will either end up homeless/shacked up with someone else or in prison… unless he were to totally leave the area and go cold turkey (chances of that are slight as his means for leaving the area are zilch unless someone else helps him out).
So I spoke to him today as I’m away since the weekend visiting family for the last of the Easter break.
He sounded really good – said he’d been tidying up, was taking the meds for his MH that he should take (has form for not taking them when I’m not there) and was eating and drinking non-alcoholuc beverages etc (has form for ceasing to eat/drink when I’m not there waiting on him hand and foot)…
So I was happy about that and I said that to him… BUT… he then literally said that the only reason he’s been tidying up/eating/drinking and taking his meds is because he doesn’t have any money to get stuff.
So this is not real change to me. It’s just the result of a lack of opportunity and of course I just think that as soon as he has access to any funds he’ll be back at it.
I find it so disappointing to know this in my heart. As I said, it doesn’t really matter what I do. He’s on this path well and truly regardless of my presence.
And when I say there there is no money… there is literally currently no money. He spent ALL the bill money again… so I’m in dire straits until I get paid end of the month. In the meantime, I will have a tiny bit of cash to get me where I need to go. I have no means to pay for a couple of bills that are coming up. I realised when I’m at the property we share that I’m just totally depressed and I’ve kind of given up trying to pretend anymore… just want out and don’t want to be bothered with any of it.
The financial strain and stress on me is causing me so much anxiety. I lay awake at night worrying about it. My hands are tied until I can move and financially separate myself from him.
How are things with you today/tonight? x
You don’t have to be okay with it. Unfortunately, addicts do tend to lie. Mine has done… he thinks I don’t know about some of the lies because I never confronted him about them as I just couldn’t see the point.
When you are in a relationship like this, you have to decide what you will or won’t tolerate. You don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who lies about drugs and pub visits and who can’t give you assurances.
How are you doing today Natasha?
I think we all have our turning point… for me it was when he decided to stop speaking to me randomly (I’d done nothing) so after a while I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes… that was the beginning of me taking the steps to get out. Tbh, it’s only gotten worse since… way worse… so I made the right decision even though I’m still waiting to get out.
Like you said, we’ve tried helping and at this point they are beyond help. I realised recently it literally makes no difference what I do… it will never stop him doing it (though he says I’m the reason he does it!) and I just can’t be bothered anymore. Why should I suffer more when he doesn’t give 2 hoots about my feelings, wellbeing or health. I’m sure you feel the same.
Keep your chin up. xx
Mine is the exact same in that I am not allowed to talk or to have a voice. Anything I say is taken wrongly. Anything I say is apparently me trying to cause an argument. It’s ridiculous. You become so downtrodden by it… I feel as if I am not an adult but a child… no voice and totally controlled in all I do.
I really don’t think they do love us. I don’t think mine really knows what love is. He is someone who will do and say whatever he has to in order to get what he wants. Totally self-serving and selfish. Even at times when I thought he was being caring I realise it was more than likely because he would ultimately gain from me being okay… so it was in his interests to ensure I was.
Hey Natasha
I’m sorry… it’s just so disappointing isn’t it?
I’m away for a bit from mine due to the holidays. He was vile to me before I left… makes me so sad. At times he can be lovely and I just can’t understand why I/we can’t have that person all the time. Why do they even want to be this repugnant, moody, volatile, aggressive person?!
Despite us having no money, mine went out drinking earlier… used up the last few coins so now I definitely can’t pay the bills… I’m so fed up with it. He has spent so much money on the stuff, drink and cigarettes. So selfish. I have holes in my clothes and he’s spending money like that!
Stay strong ???? xx
Aww bless you. This life is hideous. I feel we are so strong to cope… somehow we keep going.
I’m also doing everything and raising our child… he doesn’t even work now! He sits on his arse either getting drugs, preparing them to use, searching for stuff he’s hidden/lost/dropped, doing the drugs, or is in the bath, eating, sleeping, watching TV and having a go at me. It’s a nightmare. It’s like being in a movie or episode of some dingy soap that I never signed up for.
Gosh the gaslighting… yes! I forgot about that.
Does yours suffer paranoia?
I cannot wait to get out. I’m literally fantasising about the day I get offered a new place.
I really think mine will either die of a heart attack, get cancer from all the cigarettes he’s smoked or commit suicide (as he has tried to kill himself multiple times). I’ve tried to help him but… you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink.
Please do what I wasn’t able to and run like Debc said. His behaviour will not change and the rage and anger once you’ve got a baby in your arms is super scary… terrifying even.
I have a nearly 4 year old with my addict and I’m still trying to get away. He has become a full-blown, daily addict now whereas before he was like your boyfriend… doing it once a week and we had the cycle you described. The anger and rage has only gotten worse. I fear for my life sometimes.
I hope you are able to leave him and protect yourself and your child.
Have a look at borderline personality disorder and narcisstic personality disorder… see if either rings any bells.
There is an element of grandiose thinking I think is a factor with mine. He bigs himself up and extends the truth about jobs etc.
Oh yes, mine says I’m mad and that he uses, drinks and smokes because of me. Funny that.. surely if you felt like that you’d leave the person?
Also when I met him he said he was a non-smoker, but he smoked… he also said he only drank socially but he was drinking every night and binge drinking every week on a night out! Plus, I recently found out he’d been addicted to crack years ago and has recreationally used drugs since his teens.
I think he genuinely believes I’m the cause of him using because I ‘stress him out’ but when I’m not here and we don’t have much or any contact, he still uses.
I’m okay. How are you? He had promised me he’d contact the doctor but hasn’t done so. I’m fed up with it. I was really hopeful and now feel a bit foolish for that.
My one also tells crazy stories and makes up absolute claptrap about himself… and the way he says it… he actually believes it to the point where other people are fooled until eventually they realise (usually when he falls out with them).
There is a lot of shame in it. It feels as if it stains you too even though you’re not using.
My one was a cocaine user, then switched to crack and now a full blown daily user of it… the problem is not only do I feel I have to keep his secret but he can’t access the help he needs without outing himself as a crack addict… so it’s like a viscious cycle.
I’m sorry. If you do come back and read this, perhaps see if you can seek some counseling to help your process everything you’ve gone through. x
Hi Mammy
Sorry you are feeling so upset. I think we go through phases as sometimes I’m feeling so upset or so scared or so sad and other times I’m feeling angry or numb or whatever… it changes a lot.
Re: money – as he has left and your son is disabled are you able to claim benefits such as UC, PIP etc? I’m claiming UC and PIP but things won’t be financially better for me until my finances are separate from his when I’ve moved out… as currently we are on a joint claim.
So today I finally managed to be assertive for 5 minutes and I literally told him that he has to call the doctor tomorrow as he had promised. I didn’t actually give an ultimatum… I left it hanging. He agreed he’ll do it. Now I will have to see if he does and how honest he is as he had previously said he would tell this one doctor he trusts.
He just said to me that he wants to create a plan with me as he knows why I’m asking him to call the doctors… but to be honest, I don’t think he does. My impression is he thinks that I’m fed up (which obviously I am) with the relationship (or lack of it)… but to be honest, it’s beyond that… I’m fed up with living with a drug addict and all that entails.
He sits around all day doing nothing except get his drugs, use, sleep, take a bath, watch TV, smoke and drink. The rest of the time he’s bossing me about. The one normal thing he still does is a sporting hobby once a week. He takes all the money, his mood is all over the place and he is volatile and aggressive with me and our child as well as being super unpredictable with other people.
I’m not sure what he thinks I want or what he thinks can be saved. I want him to save himself – to be clean and to get back into work. This is without me… I mean regardless of me. I want him to do it for himself and for our child. So that he can be present for them.
I am not sure if he got clean and sorted himself out whether things could be better between us… I feel beyond that now. Like I said before, the abusive side of him would likely still be there. He is very controlling and I want to be free of that. Yet regardless, I need to find a way to co-parent on some level with him and my best chance is if he is clean.
Coming back to you Mammy… if your husband does get clean and get with someone else, that doesn’t mean the problem is or was with you. It never is! We get all the blame but it is not our fault. We don’t force them to get drugs. We don’t force them to take them. They will find any reason to justify it… including blaming us… my one did it earlier. If our young child is misbehaving (normal for their age) then he blames me for not controlling them and says their behaviour is stressing him out and so now he needs to use drugs, smoke and drink. Tbh, when a person is at that point, they should just be on their own!
I also don’t think it’s about not being enough. Are they enough for us? Do we then go and use drugs or gamble?
From watching my one – no one person or family is ever enough. He has his issues that cause him to use… he has a lot of unresolved trauma from his childhood and past. He has a lot of emotional and psychological pain as a result and I believe he uses the drugs and other substances to try to dull that pain or remove it/replace it even for just 10 minutes. So… even if he met someone else, they might be a high for him for a while during the initial exciting, honeymoon phase but once real life sets in, all his problems will still be there.
My one even said this… even if he moved away… and got away from the dealers and the friends and people who are linked to using, he’d still have the same underlying problems that he’d brought with him.