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Yes, keep working at whatever it is you have to do to get financially stable so that you can get out.
I think it is horrendous how many of us are experiencing DV and how much of it is linked to addiction. I read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Buncroft and it’s not the addiction causing the abuse… these men are abusive underneath it all… regardless. Mine also seems to be narcissistic. I think he has borderline personality disorder but has remained undiagnosed and careering through life in a disastrous and chaotic way.
I’m just waiting to get rehoused. It feels like forever that I’ve been trying to get away and planning my escape. I will then do what I can to recover from the trauma he has inflicted on me and our child.
Hi Mammy
I’m sorry that he refused to do the test. How are things today?
Mine didn’t use for a bit as no money again but also did not call the doctor like he had said he wanted to/would… no surprise there really.
So I thought the telling thing would be when he did have access to money again… he basically was straight back at it. He still owes me for the previous 3 lots.
Some money (cash) was meant to be given back to me that someone else owed me for something I provided for them (work type stuff) and because it was organised through him, they gave him the money. Without asking or telling me, he spent it on the white stuff today. So all day he’s been on that. I don’t know how he thinks I’m okay with this.
I still don’t have any phone service as the bill is outstanding. I didn’t even have the money to travel to hospital the other day and had to ask my friend to send me money so I could attend my appointment.
I agree about not enabling and I have had that conversation with him before as I feel very guilty about it. It’s very difficult as I have a little one and I am literally trying to manage his behaviour so as to not endanger our child. It sounds nuts typing this… but….
He even he admitted that he cannot just go cold turkey so they only way would he either with us out the property, him out of the property or under some kind of supervision medically…. I don’t even know what they could do as he is already on so many psych drugs for his MH. As he has rejected the idea of rehab, I really dunno how it would work. When I do eventually leave, we will find out as I’m kinda assuming he won’t have managed to quit before then going by his history.
The other thing is… he is not the kind of person you can say no to really. I think he is well aware how scared I am of him. So he uses that to get what he wants from me. He is threatening enough that I feel unable to safely disagree or confront him. I have no voice or mouthpiece. I guess that’s what people in abusive relationships do… they take away your voice.
Like you, I look in the mirror and wonder what has happened to me. I’ve aged massively the last couple of years. I am a shadow of my former self. I never imagined being in a relationship where I couldn’t express myself or disagree. He doesn’t respect me or my opinion at all.
At the same time, we are the strong ones. We are holding our families together… as in looking after our children and trying to ensure their safety… I know when we are eventually out of this, through moving etc, that we will gradually recover and will look as if a weight has been lifted from our shoulders as it will have been… I currently feel as if I am carrying the weight of the world on my back!
Hi Natasha
I’m sorry that you are going through this too. My one is addicted to crack now (was originally cocaine), he also drinks and smokes and controls the money… none of which I agree with at all. We have a little one and I’m desperately trying to leave as I’m also suffering DV.
I cannot imagine wasting more of my life on this existence as it is not living, it really is just existing. I wake each day and wonder how I’m going to get through it and what kind of mood he will be in. I’m walking on eggshells. I have also finally come to the conclusion that no matter what, he will never change and even if he did, his core personality is abusive. He always blames everyone else, and especially me, for everything wrong in his life. I don’t want to be with someone like that.
Have you been in contact with any of the DV charities? Would it be possible for you to leave? It sounds as if your sons would be supportive of you leaving if you chose to. I know it’s a lot to think about.
Hey mammy and ladies
So because of the unpaid bills, our phones got cut off. So I am able to use WiFi but not my mobile. So frustrating.
He didn’t use for a bit as no money and it was horrendous. He was so volatile and I was being abused right, left and centre.
He actually shut me out of the house over something completely trivial. It’s not the first time he’s done this. This time, I had to go and stay at my neighbour’s for a bit until he eventually let me back in. If it happens again, I will leave and not bother trying to get back in. I will have to go into a refuge or ask the council for emergency accommodation.
He knew when I’d get paid and 4 days before that day he asked me for money. I reminded him I don’t have any and wouldn’t until pay day. He then went out and got stuff from someone saying he’d pay them back when I got paid! So my pay day comes and he demands the money to pay the dealer back. I gave it to him as too scared not to. Since then he’s taken 2 more lots of money claiming he’s going to pay all 3 lots back when he gets money this week from a family member. I’m still incredulous about it and so angry inside.
Anyway, then he sent me a message about crack addiction and he was talking to me for about an hour in person about how he wants to quit but knows he can’t just go cold turkey. He said there are triggers literally everywhere. He basically said he can’t just stop…. I think he’s tried or the lack of money has been the same as trying because he’s been withthout it and realises that he can’t cope/can’t do it.
During this conversation, to my horror, he told me that he had an issue with crack about 10 years ago! This is the first time I’ve ever heard about him having basically been a crack addict. Turns out that he lived in the same block as a crack dealer and basically got hooked, going from once a week to a couple of whatever the units of crack are a day (spending like well over 500 a week!!!). He even ended up selling prized possessions to fund it before basically moving to the other end of the country and in doing so getting clean.
I am so horrified by this news that I’m still not processing it. If I had known this when I first got to know him, I would have run for the hills! I would have definitely got out earlier on… as soon as I saw him using.
So during the conversation, I mentioned going into rehab but he wasn’t interested. He said he wants to talk to his doctor instead. I am encouraging of the idea but not getting my hopes up. I will remind him about it on Monday.
Either way, I don’t want to be in a relationship living with him as he’s abusive. So regardless… in my eyes he will still be abusive even without the drugs. I would just like him to be clean so he can be a parent in his child’s life and so that I can co-parent amicably with him.
I didn’t get my last bid and there was nothing suitable for me to bid on this time. I’m trying not to get down about it. I just want to move on and be free.
How are you all doing? So sorry that we all find ourselves here.
I’m in the same way Mammy. I was always so good at budgeting and saving. He’s ruined this. My credit is bad for now… until I get away and can gradually repair it. I so resent this. I had to ask one of his family to lend me some money as 2 direct debits came out of account and took me into unarranged overdraft. It was so humiliating and embarrassing asking them for help but they are aware of the situation whereas my family are not.
So today I returned to the property. Within 5 to 10 minutes of my return he had already become abusive towards me! His breath stank of chemicals to me – it’s like the stuff seeps from his pores when he’s not using it! So gross.
The property was an absolute tip. Everything pulled out everywhere from his hunting for hidden stuff that he’s forgotten where he put it. It looked like we’d been burgled. So far I’ve managed to change the beds, do some washing and cook tea… Will try and tackle more tomorrow.
This evening he was a bit better but still had the swinging temper… very volatile.
Tomorrow is bid day. I hope there is something for me to bid on.
The one thing that I agree with you about is the cost of court. He’d not be able to afford it either unless someone leant him the money.
Would the wellness check be if you accused him of using drugs?
I honestly think with mine he’ll either manage to find it within himself to quit somehow (regardless of me or our relationship etc) or he’ll end up dead or in prison within a few years. It sounds terrible but part of me doesn’t even care anymore… though I do as that’s my child’s father. I’ve just had enough of it!
I did speak to the council and explain how bad things were from a domestic perspective (didn’t mention the drugs). I’m scared of SS involvement as already had them sniffing round numerous times due to his MH and a couple of anonymous reports (I actually think the anonymous ones were by disgruntled addicts he’s fell out with… they’ve all already had their kids removed!).
So anyway, the council told me I had 2 options: 1. Call a local DV charity (this would doubtless escalate things when they started their list of questions) for support and they’d write to the council to do weight to my need to move or 2. Speak to the police and ask them to do a risk assessment (which would also escalate things). I haven’t been able to bring myself to do either of these.
I’ve been trying to keep it amicable as in… he’s agreed to me leaving and taking our child with me. He wouldn’t agree before… it would have ended up in a long drawn-out court battle with an irrational person whose brain is warped…. I’d do anything to avoid that!
It’s good news about your council being so supportive. I hope you can stay put. It sounds a lot easier for you if you can. Moving is horrendous and when you have disability to factor in, it’s even more of a strain.
I’m the same in approaching every day, hour, minute in small increments. I’m praying a lot these days. I feel as if I need to lean on ‘something’ or some kind of hope to get through. It seems to work in the main.
You are right… the person has to be at the right point to want to access any available help. Mine is not there. I see glimpses of it and then poof it’s gone. I think he struggles a lot with the shame side of it… hence not wanting to attend local CA meetings and not being able to tell the doctor about it yet. I also think that, unlike some people, who are very influenced by their partner giving them an ultimatum or whatever, mine isn’t like that.
Even if he did quit, I could never get over what’s happened and how he’s treated me. So as far as I am concerned, I could never live with him again.
Have you looked into co-dependency? It seems to be a real factor for many of us whose significant others are addicts. You end up stuck in a cycle with them and they are almost addictive to us… It’s taken me a long time to mentally start to break free of it.
The part you said about you loving him and him not loving you – the way I see it is they love the drugs/drink/addiction and in that sense they are incapable of loving us. They need to be able to love themselves enough to stop the addiction first before they can love anyone else.
It’s just a completely toxic situation to try to be having a relationship in, in my honest opinion. This toxicity is never going to make you feel good, fulfilled, happy, stable etc.
It’s really good if you can focus on your girls and yourself and turn your mind to anything other than him. Don’t let him stop you from you living your life… don’t him drag you down with the sinking ship. Cos that’s how I feel… I refuse to be dragged down anymore and I choose to swim.
I am not an addict (my partner is a coke/crack addict). I am, however, on codeine for chronic pain due to chronic health issues including Endometriosis so your post jumped out at me.
Do you not feel able to share your situation with your GP? Or perhaps search out your local drug and alcohol service. They will be able to ensure you do this safely. Withdrawing and tapering off drugs should ideally be done with medical supervision as it is quite dangerous.
Hi all… thanks for asking after me Mammy.
I wrote a massive reply and then it said there was a bad word in it – which there was not and never posted it! I’ll try again.
Things have not been good since I last posted. He has continued to act incredibly irrationally, delusional, paranoid, aggressive etc. He has been awful towards me.
I came away to family for a few days and he has not used, as far as I know, since Saturday or Sunday as he didn’t have any money. Well, we have no money. He has been better towards me since I left, although I don’t expect this to continue on my return. It never lasts.
He has acknowledged how his paranoid behaviour is impacting me and our child but he hasn’t stopped… I mean he still believes that people are spying on him and after him and monitoring etc.
He has apparently been ridding the property of his paraphernalia and vacuuming throughly while I’m gone… so at least I can work with that when I get back as the place needs a good spring clean and he wouldn’t let me touch it as I might disturb some secret stash he’d forgotten about etc.
His family came to visit before I left and he even lied to me in front of them so that he could get money off me and procure drugs… while they were waiting for him! Then he was waiting for them to leave so he could use. So messed up.
I found out 2 household bills, that he told me had been paid, are outstanding. He believes his own lies so he truly believed he had paid them and didn’t question why there was more money in his account… spent it on stuff obviously. So now they can’t be paid.
I have turned to a friend for some support as her husband was an addict of 20 years (same substance). He did 2 stints in rehabilitation to no avail before finally quitting for good after becoming a Christian. He now keeps busy working in the church.
It was interesting hearing his story. I do feel with my one that if he were ever to successfully quit he’d need to replace it with something else whether religion or the gym or something else.
He still hasn’t spoken to his doctor when he said he would. I’ve broached the idea of rehab or CA but he’s rejected both.
I managed to bid on a property again but didn’t get it. So I’ll be bidding again if there’s anything remotely suitable. I feel as if my life is on hold until I can move but as if I am also living a lie because I’m trying to pretend to most people that this isn’t happening. It feels horrible. Most people just think he has terrible MH crises/issues.
How are you both doing? Thinking of you.
Thanks for your reply and kind wishes.
Yes, dealing with the ADHD is a good start. I am currently on the diagnosis pathway myself. The prescription drugs they give people with ADHD have some similarities to the effects of cocaine… or so I was told by my GP. So it may be a key part of the puzzle for your partner. I hope so as if it is then that would be life changing for him.
Can you get him to a AA meeting either in person or online?
It is unfair and unreasonable of him to expect you to shoulder all this burden yourself. He has to take steps to deal with the addiction outside of just going cold turkey (which generally seems to lead to relapse). Has he said why he doesn’t want to confide it has GP?
Have you looked up drug and alcohol services in your area? They are usually separate to the MH services. You might find they are more help.
P.S. I forgot to say… we have cameras in all the rooms and the front and back… I have no privacy and feel invaded. Can’t wait to get out.
I’d urge you to think about leaving.
I have stayed even though I didn’t want to and it’s only gotten progressively worse. I have been terrified to leave as he is very vindictive and the coke/crack has affected his brain so badly now that he doesn’t think rationally at all.
The abuse I suffered during lockdown(s) when he was using and I couldn’t even get a break was extreme and has changed me for life. Our child is now old enough that even if not for me, but for them, I have to leave.
Financially I also cannot carry on like this anymore as he has gotten us into so much debt, we are currently sinking. It will only get worse with the food price and energy price increases. Sometimes we don’t even have money for food… and that’s before these increases.
I have been waiting to be rehoused since last summer. Hopefully I won’t have to wait much longer.
Like one of the other posters said – our home is like a war zone too… marked walls, dents, broken furniture, broken items of mine, much of my clothing has been ripped by him grabbing at it or trying to rip it off me on purpose, phones smashed… he’s even broken toys and tipped books belonging to our child on purpose during his rages.
I don’t want any new items in the property as they will eventually just become broken and its heartbreaking, especially things of mine that held sentimental value. It is also embarrassing as how do you explain why all these things are busted. I rarely have anyone in the property these days.
Makes sense.
I think it makes the addict really selfish as it seems to drive the ego to the forefront. Plus, addiction in general makes people selfish because life becomes all about getting their next fix (eventually) at any cost.
I’m sorry that he treating you like that and that you are sick. To be honest, due to my experience with mine, I’d be inclined to say don’t make any special or extra effort for him if he is not willing to do it for you. It will just make you feel like a doormat at some point.
I remember a few years ago I made effort for mine and it was so lost and I just felt like a fool. It was his birthday, so the day before I got our baby and travelled by train to the nearest big town to buy him a birthday cake, a card and some deocrations etc. I didn’t have the money for a present as he had spent the money on gear, alcohol and cigarettes.
My family were coming the next day to celebrate with him and light and share the cake. So what did he do? He went on an all night bender… they turned up the next day to him lying on the bed half off his head and half coming down… he had go put sunglasses on indoors to cope and I had to peel him off the bed and force him to sit at the table whilst they face him his presents and cards and we lit HIS cake and sang him Happy Birthday.
Since then, I’ve not bothered with his birthday. I don’t see the point. I’ll give him a card and that’s about it.
The addiction destroys your relationship because it removes all connection, all intimacy and love… it becomes like being with a roommate or friend… obligation and existence, well that’s my experience anyway.
Stay strong!
Hi ya
I think when children are involved you have to think about the impact witnessing this kind of behaviour and cycle has on them. I’m in a similar position and desperately trying to leave (escape). We also share a little one together. It’s impacting our child now and I feel duty bound to put them first and in doing so I am putting myself first… our child needs a functional parent even if the other parent is completely dysfunctional.
You say that he does this infrequently but later said that this is the third bender this month. One thing it might be worth thinking about is how you’d feel and deal with it if his usage increases. My partner (soon to be ex) went from recreational only when going out to using 4-5 times a week. If he had the means he’d have been using 7 days a week. It’s completely affected and changed his brain. He’s dangerous and unstable.
Another thing to think about is whether you deserve better. Be careful not to enter into a codependant dynamic in this relationship with him. He needs to take responsibility for himself. If he is unwilling to engage with help, then it will be hard for you to move forwards.