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I’m in a similar boat except we don’t have any assets to sell to pay off the debts. I need to get out. I cannot stand it anymore.
Hi Mammy
I do think you can be addicted to a person. I struggle with this too even though I also hate what he’s done and is doing to me and our child.
I am at the end of my tether. I literally feel as if I’m falling apart this week.
My one has been so horrible to me too. He has been blaming me. He bought 3 in the past 2 days and apparently thats cos I stress him out. He hasn’t paid a bill he should have and is threatening not to pay my phone again (it’s in his name).
I have no money for food for the rest of the month. I spend most of my time in a state of anxiety trying not to cry.
I’m so exhausted by it all. I just want to run away but I have nowhere to go.
I think his come downs are so frequent… whenever he stops using as the crack high doesn’t last long… so it can be nightly or daily depending upon when he last used.
Tbh, I don’t know how I’m coping the past couple of days. He’s been awful. Was having some kind of attack of paranoia and banging on the walls and ceiling, checking out the window, shouting at people who are apparently spying on him/us and playing the tv at the highest volume… late into the night.
I feel as if I’m starting to lose it myself. I just want to run away! He blames me for everything. I also already have no money for food. So not sure what to do going forwards. I told him he needs to work… but not sure his boss wants him back at the moment.
How are you? xx
Oh wow, you are lucky he’s away.
Do you know what, mine is exactly the same. He does NOTHING, literally nothing in the house. Well nothing except boss and order me around. That’s why I’m confident in living alone now… I already do it all, so what difference will it make if he’s not there?
He was meant to fix our washing machine about 6 weeks ago. He took it apart and we found the problem. I got the spare part and that just needs putting in – shouldn’t take more than 20 to 30 minutes. I’m still waiting. I have taken some washing to my mum’s and some to my friend’s but basically it is all piling up now. I almost can’t believe he hasn’t fixed it. It’s so lazy! He literally doesn’t give a hoot about us… we need a washing machine!
He’s off work at the moment. I’m hoping he goes back sometime this week. I need him to earn some money. He’s on a crisp and chocolate-athon at the moment. He’s spent all day in the bath/bed. All he keeps talking about is the England match later.
Meanwhile I was up early to take our child to nursery, washed up, got lunch, have been working (remote), went to pick our child up and will basically have to go to a school meeting in a bit, go to the shop because he wants snacks and drinks and come back and get tea etc.
Hi Shell
Sorry to hear that. It is quite natural to feel all over the place and in bits.
One thing I have realised is that with my addict, I give him the power to do that to me and I don’t wish to do that anymore. It’s a turning point when you decide to take back your power and make your own decisions over what you will and won’t tolerate. Draw a boundary/line in the sand…
This split personality thing is very confusing. I liken mine to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You derserve respect. You don’t deserve to be called bad names, to worry for your safety or have him being abusive about your family and aggressive about your dad.
Hi Shell
I’m so sorry.
Mine is doing the same thing. We had a couple of good days over the weekend but in between them he’s been vile to me. Calling me names, being aggressive, ranting at me and blaming me both for his addictions, everything wrong in his life and for ruining his high! He also says horrible things about my parents, who over the years have been nothing but supportive both practically and financially until he fell out with them.
To be honest I think I’ll be happier single. I don’t think he will as he is co-dependent. So he will enjoy being single and free to do what he wants but not the lack of someone mothering him and doing everything for him.
Stay strong. It’s not you.
Hi hun
So Saturday wasn’t too bad as I got back mid afternoon and we ended up going to an event for an hour and then a street party in our street. So that kept us busy.
He used my money to get again. He owes me quite a lot and has now said he’s not going to work so goodness knows how or if I’ll get paid back. I’m so mad inside about this.
Anyway, he didn’t use until this morning as he was drunk and exhausted (had only slept 2 hours on the night I was gone). So he did go to sleep and slept quite well. He wakes up today and uses… thought he’d be okay today because of that but he was awful!!!
He spent all day ranting at me about how awful I am… from… I cause him so much stress, which is apparently why he uses and smokes so much, through to he can’t trust me as I’m a bad mum, which is why he has quit jobs so he can monitor me… as well as apparently never making his phone calls or doing his admin as I stress him out so much he is always recovering from it apparently… he was just going on all day and evening.
Nevermind that he’s always high or on a come down and that’s why he never makes his calls and can’t hold down work.
Apparently I had also ruined his high so in his mind he equates taking the drugs as de-stressing from me so then if I ruin the high then I’ve doubly stressed him. But the thing is, me just existing and breathing is apparently enough to ruin his high so while I live here, I’m not really sure how to avoid this happening!
Tbh, I’m so used to his ranting on that part of me doesn’t even register half of it but today I did find it quite hard to bear. It’s just the constant and endless nature of it. It makes me anxious. He also was being aggressive on and off… I felt very on edge trying to anticipate what’s coming next. I could literally not do one thing right.
I’m fed up I guess. Fed up of trying to make things a tiny bit okay for our child while I wait to get out. There was nothing for me to bid on this week, so that hasn’t helped my mood either as it means yet more waiting.
How was your day? I hope work went well and was peaceful for you.
It does sound like my experience of someone on a coke come down.
The main things I recognised are:
The moodiness
Wanting to sleep all day and wanting to just lie around watching TV
The eating masses of food/grazing
Nose issues
I have spent most of the time since I had a child doing everything because my addict is either high or on a come down. He very rarely goes anywhere with us or does anything with us. If we are ‘lucky’ he might watch TV with us.
It’s a very lonely and isolating experience. I’m like a single mum most of the time.
I think you’ve answered your own question.
Do you really want to be with a drug dealing 21 year old who won’t take no for an answer and tries to pressurise/co-erce you into buying drugs off him?
What would you advise a friend?
If you are scared of him, please call the police – especially as he knows where you live. Otherwise, dump him and move on.
Yeah the blame thing seems to be a thing… I’ve spoken to others on here who also get blamed. Mine tries to blame me for his using – saying I stress him out and cause him to use! He also says I ruin his high, thus apparently causing him to need to use more.
It’s all rubbish!
Have you read about grey rock? It can be a useful tactic in an abusive dynamic.
I’m sorry he hit you in the mouth. Phones are a weapon here too. 🙁
Re: hitting back – IME it doesn’t make any difference. If you try to fight back it might make him worse, unfortunately. Is he on a come down or using?
Hi hun
It’s like we’ve got the same man! Mine is 5 ft 6 too. I think he has Napoleon Syndrome/Complex.
Mine was shouting at me Thursday night (while high and drunk or perhaps on the beginning of a come down) to make him egg and bacon sandwich… so what he does is wait till I’m asleep or very drowsy/almost asleep then demand I get up and make him food! I can’t say no or he’ll turn on me. He does it all the time. My sleep is so disturbed it’s exhausting.
He once threw a big plate towards me because I hadn’t made his bacon sandwich to his liking! It hit the wall and left a dent in the wall and broke the plate. He was in the bath demanding the food… like a king. No one brings me food in the bath. I very rarely get to even have a bath, whereas he has them daily.
Thursday night I was mad inside (can’t express it obviously) because I came back from the day out and just wanted to go to bed as was so tired and had a headache. He got high and spent the evening/night calling me every 5 minutes demanding I do things for him.
When he’s high he does this now… cinstantly calling me to come to him and do whatever – make him a drink, fetch something, open the window, close the window, charge his phone, wash his back… it drives me crazy. 99% of the time he could do these things himself!
I have a night of peace tonight… back to normal tomorrow.
I’m sorry you are going through this too. I’m currently with an addict — the father of our young child. I’ve found he says the most horrible and nasty things to me because of the drugs and drink. I try to rise above it. There is no point in engaging with them when they are high or drunk. Just remember it is not you… and that you deserve better/respect. I try to spend as little time as possible around mine when he is on the substances… for my own sanity.
Hi Natasha
He sounds vile.
I wish I could rescue you. It’s just intolerable. From what you’ve said, it seems as if you don’t have a voice either. This is one of the main things I cannot stand… I have no voice in this ‘relationship’. I cannot object to anything. I can’t say ‘no I don’t want to do that’… I can’t discuss anything. I cannot object to his usage or the money spent. It’s like he’s God or something.
Yesterday was not too bad as he was horrible to me first thing but then our mutual friend contacted me and asked if we wanted to take the kids to a fun day. So we all went to that. Drink was served and he had cigarettes, so he was happy. I enjoyed it because I wasn’t trapped in the house on a hot day with all the curtains and windows closed due to his paranoia.
He used again when he came home.
Anyway, this morning my dad is picking me and child up and we are going for a fun day over by his, then staying the night and coming back to our friends for a picnic. So… that’s good. A break for a bit.
I hope today is tolerable for you. I bet you are looking forward to your 2 x 12 hour shifts.
Thinking of you x
Have you reached out to any support services. If you are in the UK there are drug and alcohol services to help people suffering from addiction. There is also CA – Cocaine Anonymous. Or you could try speaking to your GP doctor.