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I understand.
I also can’t just leave. No one seems to be able to understand it except you. People in my life look at me like… why don’t you just leave – mainly because they know how controlling he is and how agressive he can be and they worry about me and our child.
I’ve waited years to get to the point where one day he said to me to leave and I called his bluff and said okay I’ll apply council… but if I do then I’m not going back on it. He said okay. I asked him several times knowing later he’d change his mind (as he likes to play mind games). He said to do it. I did it and then a few days later he changed his mind… But…
In his mind he thinks he’s won – as he is staying in the house and I don’t get to keep it. I have to go into a flat and start again etc. So to him it’s like I’ve lost and he’s happy about that.
I’m happy to go into a flat but I basically have had to wait years for him to allow me to leave and all because he thinks it’s him controlling it and he’s getting the better end of the stick.
He also wouldn’t let me take our child until now and that’s the main reason I have been stuck. I won’t leave without them. He sees them as a pawn. He makes so little effort with them and finds looking after them for more than an hour or two a strain… so it’s not like he genuinely would want them full time… he just wants to control and hurt me.
Mine does the running at me too. He is so unpredictable. He did it earlier because I lifted up something and I guess maybe he had put some tiny amount of powder on there and I didn’t know/see. He chases after me with whatever is to hand. I’m so used to it now that I’m quite good at dodging! It has left me with PTSD though… I jump and flinch at the slightest sound or if someone raises their arm etc.
It sounds as if the only way you could get away is if you could secretly find somewhere to live with your boys that’s not near where you currently live, change jobs and get a non molestation order/report him to police. I’m too scared to do the latter part… he is so vindictive and threatening.
It’s so sad to be stuck indefinitely in a living situation like that. You are very strong. Would he hurt your boys if you got away? Could they relocate and you go into a temporary accommodation or refuge while you found somewhere to live further away? xx
Yes, one of the reasons I am trying to get away is because of our child. They are young and impressionable. It is really confusing having a dad who is there but not there; who sometimes works and mostly doesn’t; and who is either high or on a come down. So he is either in a weird mood/very detached or in a terrible mood.
This kind of instability was not my childhood and I am mortified to have found myself in the position where I have chosen this person for my child’s father. To be fair, he was not an active addict when I was first with him and made the decision to have a child with him.
The problem is, these drugs and substances make them so selfish. All the think about is themselves and their needs/next fix. The idea of being able to wake up, not tread on eggshells, have a cheery breakfast and go about some activities for the day… is heaven. At the moment everything is controlled by him and we have no say in our lives or what happens. Mostly he is terribly moody and volatile.
I can’t wait to get out and give our child the peace and stability they deserve.
I hope you found some comfort and support on the Theresa thread. xx
Hi Natasha
It makes no sense, as you say, if he is getting paid weekly going forwards. Why would he need all that money – well, unless he was going to pay back debt to a dealer or someone he’s borrowed from as well as buying some more. There’s definitely something off there…
Mine was supposed to be working today and I was really looking forward to some alone time as I don’t feel very well (exhausted). His boss told him he didn’t need him today, so he’s off. Of course he has spent the day getting high, drinking and smoking. 🙁
Like you, I lie awake worrying about money. He doesn’t seem to be worried. I have also been in the running out of food situation. I got paid today. I am supposed to be using some of the money for our child’s birthday presents and birthday party. Instead, he’s aleady had money off me… he owes me just over 150. I can’t afford it… I told him, he’d better get back to work and give me my money back. I’m running out of patience! As I said, I really can’t handle him off the drugs, so I am literally enabling him in order to be safe. It’s ridiculous!
I used to feel guilty about it, but not anymore. I am trying to survive. I will do whatever I have to in order to survive and get out.
I just looked and my last bid on a property came up ranking 1-5 again, but I haven’t heard anything from them so I am assuming I was in the 2-5 and not the person picked. I seem to always be just missing out. I have promised myself that if I haven’t gotten anywhere in 2 more weeks then I will speak to the council about being reassessed to see if I can be moved up a band.
I am so fed up of my living situation – it’s really affecting my mental health. He controls the whole house. Everything I do within it is dictated by him – I have no freedom. He smokes in the house – it is so disgusting… like a thick fog and stinks. We have a young child. I cannot understand why he thinks that it is okay to do that?! His behaviour towards me is vile when he’s not on something and even when he is on something he is still bossing me around and dictating… just not violent.
I was sad to see what you said about being unable to leave due to your children being over 16. I understand what you are saying as I have read of this being the case for other women. Are your children old enough to work and contribute? Could you move out into private, rented acommodation with their help?
I spent a long time waiting and hoping that mine would leave and then I realised he never would. It is really hard when you are stuck living in a house with a person who is unpredictable, mean and violent.
Thinking of you… the next 4 days are going to be super trying. I’m hoping mine does go to work for some of it!
xx
Hi Penny
I’m not a parent to an addict. I’m a partner to one (and currently trying to move/separate). I also get the physical symptoms and dread. It causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel as if I’m treading on eggshells, anticipating the next crisis or mood swing. I think it’s actually made me very ill.
I tend to enable just to survive and get a little peace. That’s why I need to get out and distance myself. I need to create a safe space. You should do everything you can to preserve your sanctuary. It is your home and you can decide what you will and won’t tolerate.
You are right to distance yourself and to set clear boundaries.
I am sure that the situation is incredibly triggering for you. If you are able to, seeking counselling and support to help you emotionally take care of yourself is very important.
xx
If he is living with you, you need to call the police domestic violence unit. What he is doing is called familial abuse. You can get a non molestation order preventing him coming near you or living in your home.
You can also consult Women’s Aid for advice as they don’t just deal with partner to partner abuse.
xx
Hi Natasha
Sorry to read what’s going on.
Similar boat here. The money thing is crazy… mine prioritises himself… like you I literally have no spare money for anything for me as there’s not even enough for the bills… then he is holding back for himself! Imagine if we were asking for 100s of the household money to spend on ourselves.
He was off the stuff for a few days due to no money. He is so much worse OFF the drugs than I can’t stand it. How is that even possible? He’s done something s bad to his brain that now he can’t be off them and be nice and normal. It’s ridiculous. So he’s back on it. I don’t want to be around someone coming off drugs. I really don’t. He’s made the house so horrible I hate it here.
I’m still bidding and waiting… something has to come up for me eventually.
Hi Riesena
I’m sorry that you find yourself here too.
I haven’t been able to marry mine – we have been engaged for years. I’m in the process of moving out. We share a child.
My opinion, based on my own experiences, is that it is better to leave if you want children. You are young enough to be able to meet someone else and still have children.
The reason I say this is because imagine living this life indefinitely and either not having a child because of that or having one in these circumstances… it makes everything so much harder if you do and you are forever linked to the addict. Our child is not prioritised by their father, the drug is, both in terms of time and financially. Our child has to suffer the knock-on effects of their dad’s volatile mental health until we are able to be rehoused. It is not the relationship I wanted for our child.
My addict’s usage is also intrinsically linked with his poor mental health. He uses the drugs and drink and cigarettes as a means of coping but it is a cycle… they don’t help and just make it worse. If you use enough cocaine can permanently alter the brain… so mine now suffers with delusions and paranoia. This makes life hell. It’s all just so exhausting and like you said, it’s not really living a life along with them. You are merely existing alongside them.
xx
Hi Yellowsky
Unfortunately I know what you are talking about.
My partner, who is an addict, has managed to bring about the same changes in himself through cocaine, and now crack, usage.
He has extreme paranoia and delusions. He believes people are living in our loft and spying on him. He bangs loudly on the walls and the ceiling with objects… in the process he has destroyed the paintwork in our bedroom. He frequently insists we keep all the windows shut and all the curtains shut and the blind down… so we essentially live in semi darkness.
My addict is very volatile. He thinks people are watching him from cars outside and using drones to spy and listen to what’s going on in the house… so he’s constantly watching CCTV and analysing who is out there. He thinks the neighbours are in on it.
If I don’t act appropriately and go along with it, he gets really aggressive and his fear manifests in volatility. So I have to live like that too.
We share a child and I’m currently waiting to be rehoused. I can’t stand it any longer. I dream of the day I get out. I’m so fed up with it.
I have the same concern and issue as you in that when he doesn’t do the drugs he is as actively paranoid and delusional as when he does them… it’s not as if it goes away. It’s as if that is a permanent change, which is very worrying and sad.
Anyway, my advice is to call 111 and press option 2 to speak to the mental health crisis team when he is actively delusional. Mine has been seen because he has overdosed on prescription drugs. He never mentioned his illegal drug usage. I don’t feel it is my place to mention it myself.
Another option for you is to get in contact with the local drug and alcohol services for advice.
Unfortunately, as you’ve found, if the addict doesn’t want help then you pretty stuck. Mine is not actively engaging with any help. He’s not ready yet. I think when I’ve left he might be as he might hit rock bottom or be might just die… I don’t know.
There are groups for parents and partners of addicts. I’ve just started to seek out help from one of them. A bit like CA but for the families.
xx
That sounds nice Mammy. Things will be different once we are in our new places and sorted out financially.
Mine’s either hyper awake and on one… or sleeping.
We don’t get any family time. He’s just not able to be present. At most we might watch a film together at some point. It’s really sad. It’s just me and our child.
My child’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and they want a party for the first time and I have no money or idea how I’d achieve it. Best I can do is see if my mum might chip in and do a birthday at the soft play but not even sure if it’s too late to book that or if some people might not want to due to Covid etc.