[donthaveaclue]

Mine’s either hyper awake and on one… or sleeping.

As a family we don’t get any family time. He’s just not able to be present. It’s really sad.

My child’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and they want a party for the first time and I have no money or idea how I’d achieve it. Best I can do is see if my mum might chip in and do a birthday at the soft play but not even sure if it’s too late to book that or if some people might not want to due to Covid etc.

[donthaveaclue]

At least he does ring. That’s good.

Tbh, from what you were saying about him looking rough…

My rule of thumb now is I assume mine’s using. So like he’d have to literally flip his life 180 and prove to me be was clean for like at least a month before I’d believe him. He’s never managed that long since starting the active addiction except when he switched to the gym and bulking up. I didn’t count that as I mean off all substances except those prescribed by the doctor.

[donthaveaclue]

Wow that’s crazy about your rent. How stressful. Have you approached your local council to see if they could step in with discretionary housing payments to help you top up rather than you having to use all your UC while you wait to get housed?

Here if you get into housing association because there’s not enough council then the UC still covers the rent even if it is near the private cost… so affordable rent here with housing associations is like 80 or 90% of the cost of the private rent. They will cover the housing cost under UC because it’s still deemed social housing, whereas they will not cover the difference between the LHA level and the private cost.

Council round here is about the same… 400ish. It’s crazy how cheap it is. Definitely worth it if you’re working as much more affordable. Also people can buy them so everyone’s bidding on them.

That’s another reason I’m desperately trying to get a housing association flat as less people bid on them as they are more expensive but obviously I don’t really care as I’m not paying for it (sounds bad but in my situation I’ve given up feeling guilty). I can try to get a council one later if I want to… tbh eventually I’d like to try and get housed in a bungalow instead of a house as my mobility is worsening when using the stairs.

[donthaveaclue]

I did find a free rehab (Christian) which he wouldn’t be opposed to from the religious perspective I think but he doesn’t want to do anything like that… he still thinks he can save himself and stop by himself.

It’s as if they have no insight! But… I think that reluctance to seek support can come from a place of deep shame. He won’t even go to a local CA meeting because he might bump into people he knows even though I pointed out but they’d also be at the CA so how could they judge you?

[donthaveaclue]

I can understand – like how can you trust anything he says now?

Has he made any more attempts to see his children?

[donthaveaclue]

Do they have housing association properties? We’re in one and it is expensive too – 900 for 2 bed but I’m down south not far from London.

Because I’m disabled it’s covered by UC if I live on my own so I’m less bothered about how much it will cost when I move. As a carer and with your disabled son, will your rent be covered?

[donthaveaclue]

I already got one and it cost me 50. My mum paid for it!

[donthaveaclue]

Haha. I just sometimes wonder how on earth did I end up here. I think I was way too soft, forgiving and empathetic towards him than I should have been.

What you realise is that addicts come from all walks of life. I had only met the homeless types, then I met all the ones whose kids have been taken away (mainly people visiting next door) and so on.

Then I met loads of highly functioning coke addicts in my community, who don’t think they have a problem but use weekly or more… one of them is one of my best friends. She’s sinking deeper in and I’m trying to find a way to help her realise she has a problem cos at the moment she’s in denial.

[donthaveaclue]

Aww I feel like that. Existing. In limbo. Some days more tolerable than others… especially when I get out of the house!

[donthaveaclue]

I’m so sorry about the money Mammy. I am on the last few pounds. I realised I have to buy a birthday present for my sister before I get paid… not sure how to achieve that haha. Gonna try and get him to hand over some money for once.

[donthaveaclue]

Yes they are super defensive. Mine has always been like this (think there’s something wrong there in his personality) but the drugs and drink make it worse.

Tbf, I think they do feel deep shame so anything that indicates we are calling them out on their usage and behaviour is going to garner that response/reaction. I know mine is ashamed – I think he’d be extremely embarrassed for anyone to know, which is why he’s not even been able to tell his favourite and trusted doctor. I have covered for him for so long but don’t even get any credit for that most of the time!

[donthaveaclue]

Also he’s gone back to work. First shift he swore (I didn’t ask anything from him – literally no expectations) that he’d lay off the drugs now and start paying off debts and saving money.

He’s used daily since… hasn’t stopped at all. I honestly don’t think he can! I’m being realistic now. Trying to work and no support with the addiction or his mental health and I just can’t see how that’s a recipe for his quitting. So I’m not saying anything about it at the moment.

[donthaveaclue]

Housing-wise:

My last bid was ranking 1-5, so I clearly wasn’t 1… but in the 1-5 again. It’s like almost winning the lottery.

So if I don’t manage to get anywhere within a month, I am thinking about asking to be assessed to see if I should be rebanded to the band above me. I might have to consult some organisations on this though.

[donthaveaclue]

No I know what you mean. He was the last person that should have ended up next to them. It was like setting him up for a fall. I really don’t think he’d be a crack addict again if we hadn’t lived there.

How are you doing Mammy?

[donthaveaclue]

Mine also blames me for ruining his high. He disappears off into the bathroom or toilet for so long and I naturally ask ‘are you okay?’ and apparently that immediately ruins his high.

They are so selfish. What about how their actions affect us? I end up living in my bedroom trying to avoid him… he spends his time bossing me about and trying to order food from me in the middle of the night because his body clock and meal times are all messed up and he’s too lazy to prepare his own food.

Talking about flushing… so I am, unintentionally, really good at accidentally finding his stash and chucking it away. I mean like the last week I’ve done it twice by mistake. I didn’t even know I’d done it until he got back and went to use it and found I’d chucked it away in such a way as to be irretrievable… this is one reason we cannot live together.

I don’t want to spend my time wondering if I’m chucking his stuff or if I can’t touch something or clean something etc. It’s like treading on eggshells. Can’t wait to be free.

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