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Oh and Natasha… the soundtrack of my relationship has been that I’m arguing with him when all I’m doing is saying something in a normal voice… but what I’m saying is not agreeing with him or his view or what he wants to hear… so that’s arguing.
I’m not allowed a voice or to actually argue… ironically.
Oh my gosh… so the money thing…
Mine does not only the stuff but a packet of cigarettes a time and several drinks on a 5er deal. So last week he asked me for cigarettes twice and drinks a couple of times and today he asks me for money/cigarettes… and I’m like there’s no money left… in the end I got him cigarettes out of the tiny bit remaining… he should be paid soon so I said to him he’d better give me some of that!!!
Natasha – I can answer your question.
So the cocaine makes the body release a lot of dopamine very quickly thus causing the high. The person using it will typically stay awake, maybe be quite active (mine isn’t anymore but he used to be) like dancing a lot or one of my friends starts doing lots of housework… often users won’t eat because they feel satiated/no hunger… so when it wears off you have someone who is sleep deprived, hungry and has no dopamine… the junk foods can help raise that (especially things like chocolate). Lying in bed is a bit like someone taking to their bed with depression.
Awww Shell it’s not you. Mine has been on his arse doing nothing for years. He will work for a tiny bit and then quit or be sacked. He doesn’t value or respect anything I do. Even though I’m the one keeping everything going. Well good luck to him when Ieave!
Oh Natasha you made me laugh about the chocolate and Crisps… it’s driving me crazy also.
I got up early to get ready to take our child to their sports activity they do every Saturday. Addict complained because I accidentally woke him up while getting our child ready.
He was annoyed because he was on it last night (and the night before) smoking 20 cigarettes, doing crack and drinking… so of course he was tired.
He had woken me at 3 a.m. to make him something to eat as clearly he’s incapable!
So I take child to their activity and then we go for lunch/shopping and head home. I get home and he’s eaten all the chocolate and crisps…. breakfast of kings? It’s like living with a student or in a student digs.
Crack smells sweetish to me – almost sickly smelling.
I can see it as having an ashy lingering smell to some people.
Sounds like my life except mine is nearly 50 and I’m younger and we share a young child who’s now in the middle of this miserable existence. Mine also has often referred to it being okay as politicians and police men do it! Like that makes it okay!?
I think you can leave and still be there for someone at a distance while they deal with their addiction and recovery. I am inclined to think this is healthier than staying but that’s also influenced by my own experiences and situation.
I feel completely trapped too and will only get out once the council rehouse me which is taking ages (coming up for a year now). I cannot stay. I have had enough and me and our child deserve better… stability and safety and just to be free of living with an addict who controls the house and environment.
Contact a family solicitor for advice.
It seems as if he could see the child if supervised or at a contact centre. The court can order him to take a drug test.
Hi
I’m sorry that you are going through this too.
In reply to your question – I don’t think you really can. You can’t fight for them. It has to come from them.
All I think you can do is be there for the person should they choose go take the steps to follow through detox and recovery. You have been drawing clear boundaries, which is great. He has been pushing you to break those, which obviously it’s hard not to do as you love and care about him.
Have you sought counselling or attended one of the groups for partners going through this? It might help you and prevent your own mental health worsening further. It is do hard not to get totally worn down by this situation.
I’ve been in a similar position as mine has had 2 suicide attempts one of whicj was nearly successful. I’ve tried hard to get help for him but there isn’t the inmediate type of help he really needed at that time and the onus is on him to get help, which he hasn’t been in a fit state or the right state of mind to do. The resources suggested by the CMHT and GP he hasn’t followed through and so remains in active addiction with severe mental health issues.
I’ve had to prioritise my own physical, mental and emotional health and that of our young child now. I accept he may kill himself through substance abuse or through suicide but I also realise that’s not my fault. I have done what I can do and ultimately he is an adult who has to take responsibility for his life and health.
I’m in the process of leaving.
I read that many addicts need to literally reach rock bottom in order to beat their addiction. My presence in his life is quite enabling even though I don’t mean to be and I also bring a lot of normality by keeping the house running amd caring for our child so he has been able to exist like this for a couple of years with nearly everyone else being oblivious to his addiction!
I accept him for who he is and have tried to be kind and understanding, this has done none of us any favours! I should have been firmer but I also realise that to a point it doesn’t matter what I do or have done… he will do what he wants as he has been and is governed by the addiction and nothing else.
I am now drawing those lines and boundaries even if he doesn’t realise it and one day soon be will be left alone with his addiction and demons to sort himself out. I think he will either manage to lift himself out of it by some miracle or continue on possibly getting worse.
I don’t think it’s selfish but it might not be forthcoming and where do you then go from there if he is unable to see your point of view and deliver what you need?
Have you sought out some counselling for yourself?
It sounds as if you have a lot to process and could do with some help in that respect.
Also worth bearing in mind that people change… even if mine ceases using, I could never stay with him. The addiction and his attitude towards me have broken any trust I have and I can’t imagine ever getting that back.
Hi Pamela
So my partner is an addict – coke to crack now. But… he co-erced me into using coke when we were first together. I’d never done any drugs in my life and was quite anti them. He (aggressively as he was drunk) insisted I try it when he first used it in front of me (much to my shock!). The first time I managed to turn him down but the second time, I gave in as I just wanted him to shut up and not feel threatened.
The thing is, of course it made me feel better/good as I have health issues that affect my brain and this was helping! So I found myself using it recreationally sometimes (not often or in vast quantities and never alone).
I don’t do it anymore and haven’t done for a long time. My child was a big factor in stopping… I got pregnant.
To be honest, I also didn’t like the side effects – the smell of it, not knowing what else was mixed with it, being unable to sleep and sometimes it would make me feel sick.
Unfortunately, my partner is still addicted and his addiction has worsened/increased. So I am now trying to move out as with it has come a lot of issues such as volatility, DV and him destroying the house due to paranoia. Also debt because we can’t afford his usage.
I have a mum friend who is addicted. She doesn’t realise it but she is… she uses daily in the week – only a bit – to help her get through the day and sometimes more in the evening and on weekends/parties etc. She has a lot of things to do and puts a lot of pressure on herself. So she uses it to cope and keep herself going. She thinks she’s controlling it… but the fact she needs it and uses so frequently makes me feel she’s addicted.
The problem is, her partner also has done it with her during their relationship… he was unaware she was using daily. He confronted her and she tried to quit. Recently she had a lot of stress and started again… then he found out. It seems as if he used it as an excuse to use with her and get more. So they were on it for 5 days… and they really don’t have the money to waste.
They are both enabling each other because they both like it… that’s the reality. They like how it makes them feel so they have that urge. Because they are both on it, there is no one saying no really, although my friend tries to limit it. I think it is part of a deeper issue – he already had issues with alcohol when he met her and she has always used recreational drugs, smoked and drank… she has issues from her childhood and I think having never dealt with them led her down this path a bit.
I think you can reach out anonymously for help via online (emails, forums) or telephone helplines. There are quite a number of alcohol and drug support services as well although I’m not sure a out how anonymous you could be using them.
There are online CA and NA meetings.
Does your partner/husband want to quit too?
xx
Shell – Where is your mum? Does she live with you?
You don’t have to prove anything. If you feel unsafe you could call the police. I appreciate how hard all this as I’m in an abusive relationship and have been unable to do this as we share a child and he is vindictive.
I just accidentally threw the rest of my one’s drugs down the drain- they were in a cup and I thought it was dirty water! So he’s really mad at me now as there is no more money to buy any more.
You’re welcome, stay in touch and let me know how you get on.
I hope that while your decision may cause acute distress and difficulty in the relationship with your daughter in the short term, that ultimately it will allow you to return to some form of normality in your life, and, most importantly, to feel safe in your own home.
You might find it helpful to seek out some counselling or call one of the helplines for some support as you go through this next period. It’s a lot to process. I think once I’m out of here I will definitely need to seek some external help with processing what’s been going on/happened to me.
Oh Purple, I’m so sorry. It is so heartbreaking. Also, figuring the practicalities out is difficult, especially when you feel low and so exhausted. Just take your time as much as you can.
So I’ve returned after my time away and… he’s only gone and got one and is currently using plus smoking/drinking. I’m really, really upset by it. I don’t want to live around that or in this environment but I’m stuck here in limbo.
Like you, I had this glimmer of hope when I left as he seemed genuinely remorseful especially about the impact of his actions on others and wanting to quit etc. While I was away, I thought he was not using and that he’d agreed to stop. Now I think he was using bits he found that he’d forgotten about or on a come down that I, thankfully, wasn’t witnessing.
When I came back, I could tell he wasn’t right by his facial expression and his general appearance/demeanour. He was quickly reactive and abusive towards me despite me not having actually done anything of note. I could tell by looking in the fridge and freezer how much he’d eaten and what he had eaten. It told me a lot about where he is at… also the house was turned upside down in some areas and generally very untidy and needed cleaning.
I’m literally looking at him feeling completely opposing emotions. On the one hand, I’m angry and incredulous and on the other hand, I’m so sad to see him in the grips of such a severe addiction that his life is currently completely ruled by it. He cannot seem to quit… how sad is that?!
This is my child’s father and he’s destroying not just his life but ours as well.
Anyway, like you… I’m just trying to focus on other things… practical things and anything to help our child cope.
Well done Mike.
It is really jarring and disappointing when your significant other goes from being so positive and making all the right noises re: recovery and then boom… it’s as if that never happened and you feel back at square 1 again.
At least you are not enabling him. That’s a good start… especially for your own mental health.