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I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds so difficult as you gave so much bottled up and no outlet.
Have you sought talking therapies or been to any CA meetings? Perhaps reaching out in-person might help give you the space to sit with and process some of your feelings rather than potentially seek to numb and bury them.
So he asked me to leave last summer but because I need to be rehoused by social housing it’s not something that instantly happens so im still there… and during that time his addiction has got worse as has his mental health.
Most of the time he wants me to be gone but then sometimes he admits he will miss me, be lonely, miss our child, struggle to cope etc. He’s very co-dependent and yet also quite abusive.
Mine has tried to stop multiple times, although always by himself. Of course it’s always failed. He will do and say whatever he feels will placate me and get me on side only to not be able to keep it up and revert back at some point.
So like you… I’m not buying it anymore. My tank is empty. I just can’t keep doing it.
Regardless of why she is doing it, it’s wrong and she’s an adult who needs to take responsibility for her actions.
My addict partner is abusive and I’ve had enough of it too. As far as I’m concerned, regardless of why he is abusive or why he does drugs, most people do not go round treating others like this. It’s unacceptable. He has to take action to admit what he does that’s wrong and the problem/s he has and take actual steps to deal with it. To that end, I’m waiting to be rehoused as I can no longer live with him.
I think you have done well to draw a clear line and boundary of what you are not prepared to do or accept. At least you are not enabling her.
Does she live with you in the holidays? If she is going to be abusive towards you then you are perfectly within your rights to not allow her to live with you and the same goes for if she were to use drugs in your property.
If she is willing to accept what she’s doing that’s wrong and take steps to deal with these issues then that’s something you could at least work with. It doesn’t sound as if she is willing to do that at this point in time. Blaming you for not enabling her is quite a classic behaviour that I’ve experienced and seen others reference on here. It’s always everyone else’s fault except the addicts when they are in active addiction and struggling etc.
I’m so sorry.
All drugs are scary but cocaine is seen as so socially acceptable now, it is really disturbing as it’s so addictive. It is also terribly easy to get hold of.
There are many other parents experiencing the same issues so I am sure you can get some good advice on here.
Anyway, she has absolutely no right to hit you. I’m not sure if you are male or female. If you are female, Women’s Aid forum has a section for women suffering from familial abuse. You could go on there for advise or contact their helpline. Otherwise, you could always contact the police and ask to chat to their domestic abuse team informally. What she is doing is considered domestic abuse/violence.
I understand about fear of being judged. Being the partner of an addict can be a really lonely place.
I think the problem with addiction is the person needs to quit completely and often they are not willing to do that. So they will reduce usage, sometimes dramatically, but still use… and to us as their partners or family members it is still impacting us quite badly that they are using a little. To them they feel justified and even proud because they are only doing it a little compared to previously having a severe addiction and doing it a lot.
It’s a really difficult situation.
The problem for me is that when you have an addiction, there is always the risk of it getting worse again. So I need total abstinence from the other person.
In my partner’s case, he had a severe addiction for a short period a long time ago that I knew nothing about as it happened so long before I met him. He then used recreationally in small amounts for years. He is now in the thick of an over 2 year heavy (for much of it daily) addiction, desperately trying to quit. So I don’t know if some people can ever quit fully… I guess they have to really want to and seek the appropriate help etc.
You are not a mug. People don’t understand how complex addiction is and the impact it has on the partner desperately trying to make things right and hold everything together.
Thanks Natasha!
I’ve been feeling quite good as I’ve been away from it since Sunday. I go back end of the week.
Anyway, he contacted me today to get the money to pay for the unpaid bill. I was so annoyed as he sort of emotionally slung it at me like unburdening himself of a problem and expected me to fix it!
I’ve had to put it on credit card and that’s it now… everything is maxed out. It is totally his fault it is unpaid. It made me feel how irresponsible he has been. It confirms that I am making the right decision as ultimately he is unreliable and selfish in his addiction.
Anyway, I didn’t hold back a obviously I could say as I’m not in his physical presence. So he knows how I feel about it.
What upset me is when he told me about it, it instantly caused me severe anxiety feelings in my tummy etc. I hate that. I haven’t felt like that for a bit.
Do you know what kind of drugs the others are using?
I understand where you are coming from. At that age people are quite impressionable and vulnerable to peer pressure. I wasn’t but a lot of my friends were. I would suggest that you do what you can to work on your relationship as a whole and try to do anything to boost her confidence etc… so she is better able to advocate for herself and not submit to peer pressure should she continue to associate with these people at university and possibly end up living with them.
James – Ahh… I thought she meant 70 a week! I worked it out as costing about 16K so thought if he got special deals like 3 for 2 etc, maybe that was how.
I agree, there is no way someone can use that much and not demonstrate outwards signs of completely changed and off behaviour.
Hey Dazzle
Oh, I’m sorry that you are going through this too.
It’s an exhausting cycle. I don’t think anyone, including the addict, understands or takes into account how utterly soul destroying and destructive it is… continually getting your hopes up and trying to help them and it failing and then them using again and repeat etc.
I’m glad to hear how much better people feel for having separated and living separately as, to some extent, I’m pinning my hopes on this being the case for me and our child. The idea of being able to wake up and not tread on eggshells, of being financially separate and eventually debt free and secure, of being able to live in a smoke and drink free home… sounds like heaven and it’s what’s keeping me going.
I’m sorry… I go through this monthly. I’m in over 7K debt and at least 5K is cos of his drug usage.
I’m sorry things have taken such a turn for the worse. It does seem to happen like that and it is so unpredictable.
I think you are right to be cautiously aware that the deception might have been going on for quite some time.
Mine is the same with it having been worse or minimising it a bit… and there’s me thinking… well, regardless it is still unbearable now!
I’ve called mine a crackhead too. It’s hard not to view the person like that when that’s what they are doing all the time.
Could you write to him in prison? He needs to face up how his behaviour affects you and the child you share.
Unfortunately, the people I know who are crack users and end up in prison tend to use when they get out. I think it’s because it goes with a lifestyle and like you said, their friendships or acquaintances tend to also be users stuck in the same cycle. When they get out it’s hard to readjust to life outside prison and if they don’t have a job then there’s loads of free time doing nothing, which can cause an issue.
Hi Worried
I’m the same. Our child is getting older (4) and is so perceptive and aware. I can’t hide it eternally… they know something’s up. That’s why I’m trying to get out ASAP. I don’t want our child around the usage, the paranoia/delusions and the comedown. It’s so unstable.
If your daughter is over 18, I’m not sure how much say you have in preventing it. Unless you are the one paying for it.
Hopefully your daughter can appreciate your concerns and that you are coming from a good place rather than trying to be controlling.