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I’m good – well me and our child got sick while staying at my family home so we are temporarily here longer than planned… which means we get a longer respite break from returning home and sharing the house with the addict.
I’m sorry he’s still lying to you. Mine does a lot of omission- so almost like lying by omission – especially recently when he’s been spending bill money on drugs or putting drugs on tick… when I know nothing about it.
Have you managed to avoid seeing him?
I’m sorry that I don’t have any great advice but please don’t think you’ve caused her to drink.
My addict partner does this – he says I cause him to use. Reality is, he uses when I’m not there and basically when he chooses to (which has been daily) so it’s nothing to do with me. They just use that excuse to control and throw the blame on you to make themselves feel temporarily better by imagining it’s someone else’s fault. It’s their responsibility.
Your wife can only get better if she realises she has a problem that she wishes to fix. Unfortunately, we cannot make the addicts in our lives want to do this or successfully achieve sobriety even if they want to. We can only be there for them and that’s a choice we have to make based upon knowing that we don’t have any control over it… so in my case, and after a long time dealing with his drug addiction/drinking/heavy smoking, I can’t live with mine anymore and I’m currently trying to move out with our child. If I’m going to be there for my partner it will be from a distance. I have to take care of me and our child first.
Yes, where I live it is a part of regular society like every other person seems to use it!
I know mums who do it before the school run!!! I get offered it at parties etc. My one told me that if you go in the men’s toilets in venues where we live then there are often a couple of lines that someone will have accidentally left on the back of the toilet!!! I’ve personally never seen this in the ladies though. As bad as it sounds, I know way more male users than females.
Hey Mammy
Have you looked into trauma bonding at all? Try typing this into Google – trauma bonding addiction
I think co-dependency or trauma bonding can be factors that cause us to feel bonded and in love with a person who has hurt us so badly…
I know when I go, I’ll be so sad and upset as although I’ll be relieved, I also still feel love towards him. I didn’t fall in love with someone I knew to be an addict.
Hey Kstar
I share a child with my partner who is an addict. We are currently in the process of separating as I need to live separately and to feel safe and peaceful. Our child really needs this. So I’m just waiting to be rehoused.
Hi Noodles
That’s an insane amount to be doing. I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone doing so much! I would have thought that might have caused him to overdose or have a heart attack or something.
Do you know what happened? I mean how did he suddenly start using so much? Had he ever done it before or other drugs?
It’s good that he is seeking help, but the comedown if he truly was using that much will be horrendous and hard to bear (for him AND for you). I think you are right to view his efforts with caution, especially given the ages of your children.
Make sure to look after yourself, seek support for yourself and protect your finances if possible.
How are you doing Shell? Hope the new job is going well.
Stay strong.
The problem with addiction is that it is such a taboo and has such a stigma attached to it… when you are the partner of the addict, it kind of feels as if that rubs off on you.
I have found it embarrassing too. None of my family know about it. They would be livid if they knew. They would never forgive him. I think they might also be angry with me for not getting out sooner (as no one understands the dynamics behind it unless they have been through it, especially the DV) and for not being open about it etc. So… it feels like some dirty secret I’m keeping for him!
The answers thing – yeah, I think the thing to bear in mind is that I don’t think they even know the answers to our questions… like they are stuck in this cycle, likely have little insight as to why they are stuck in it or how to get out etc. So they are clutching at straws and desperately trying to not go down any further. I don’t think they really care how we feel or what we think.
Also perhaps sometimes there isn’t a good reason… like I kinda know why mine is in the situation… he had a terrible childhood that has left him with a lot of trauma, we unwittingly moved next door to a drugs den (we don’t live next door to that now) and so he came into contact to people doing those kinds of things, and he was then exposed to a drug that he’d previously been addicted to (an addiction that I knew nothing about)… and then Covid and lockdown happened so he was stuck at home next door to the druggies… those are a few of the factors.
It’s much more complex, but you know what I take from all of this? None of that matters. At the end of the day, whatever factors there are, none of it is my fault! I haven’t done anything wrong. The issue lies with him. The relationship isn’t working because he chose drugs and other substances over me and his child. So it doesn’t matter what he says to me. There is no excuse that he could come up with that would make it okay or better.
So I’ve had a couple of nights respite. Due back tomorrow. Feel so much better away from it.
I have reached the same point as Natasha regarding realising that nothing I do will make any difference. It’s kind of liberating. It’s all on him.
Mine behaves terribly when not using so there is a difference there… I feel guilty as even though I don’t want him using, I hate him off the drugs as he is so dangerous then. Reality is there is no money left so him actively continuing to use is completely unrealistic regardless of if he wants to or how I feel about it.
He has admitted to me that when I do leave he will really miss me…. he will be lonely and have regret. I’m at the point where it doesn’t matter if mine stopped using tomorrow… it wouldn’t undo what he’s done to me and our child so I’m definitely wanting to live in my own place regardless. I need to feel free, safe and peaceful. I don’t think I could ever trust him.
I’m not sure if this is strange or not but my one doesn’t try to hide his usage. It’s quite obvious to me. Even if he tried to, I can instantly tell – he has a totally different vibe, the way he holds his lips/mouth changes, he gets sweaty, he goes inwards, he starts requesting loads of things in a really annoying but not aggressive or loud way… his hands shake…
Hey Purple
I’m sorry that you have had such a rough few weeks. I know what you mean about coming on here. I’ve been coming on as often as I can as I’ve been finding it really useful to talk to others going through the same but at other times I’m not able to come on. I think I go into myself a bit. It’s like I’m trying to cling on and not fall apart.
Hey Mammy
I think it’s worth remembering that he left you whilst he was in the midst of addiction. His thoughts and actions whilst being an addict are not the same as they would be if he wasn’t using… so as hurtful as it has been for you, reading into what he’s chosen to do whilst actively, seriously using cocaine is perhaps not a great reflection of how he truly feels underneath everything.
It could be the case that he thought he was saving you and the children from being exposed to his addiction. Or maybe he found it too distressing being around you guys whilst he knew he was in such a state… or some other variation of that. If he ever gets clean then that’s a conversation you could have with him. In the meantime, try to be kind to yourself and don’t second guess his actions. It will only pull you down and make you feel bad about yourself when you have nothing to feel bad about. You are the strong one, holding the fort and taking care of your children.
Not daft. Hopeful maybe!?
I think that I’d need to see continual lack of usage before I’d think that he’d stopped using. They all seem able to not use for a bit but it never seems to last.
Hahaha! I live the same life as you. I really don’t understand why they think they have the right to lie around recovering or lounge around getting drunk, smoking and doing drugs when we don’t have the luxury to relax or just check out from looking after our kids/family/home etc.
Mammy – if it creates a lot of strife and causes you a lot of disappointment then maybe just give up on trying to get him to do one. Is it really worth the stress?
If you have safeguarding concerns then you can prevent him seeing them and he can go to court to get an agreement regardinf when he can see them. The court can then force him to do drugs tests so you don’t have to.
I don’t know if it’s bad of me but with mine, I would assume that mine is still using to some degree until he proved otherwise with the onus on him to prove to me… not on me to make him prove… if you get me.
Part of them dealing with the addiction is admitting what they’ve done – the harm and impact on you and the children. If your husband was/is doing that then he would understand why you need the drugs test and want to do it to make you feel comfy. The fact he doesn’t makes me suspect that he is still using.
I don’t think you really can do anything beyond doing what you are already doing, offering support/to be there if they seek help.
The best thing you can do is work on yourself, protect yourself and your finances etc., while waiting to see if they seek help.
Missing work, racking up debt and asking to ‘borrow’ money are all bad signs in my opinion. The blaming you – bringing up times you’d fallen short as a partner- in order to create a reason/excuse to use and to try to get money by creating guilt is another manipulative tactic you will see partners of addicts (and parents of addicts) mentioning on here. My addict partner has even admitted to causing/creating arguments/strife between us so he can use it as an excuse to get drugs so he can make himself feel better… he will also threaten to get drugs if I don’t behave how he wants – which doesn’t work now as I’m at the stage where I don’t care if he uses. I want him to stop but I’m not the cause so if he uses or not is his decision/responsibility and nothing to do with me.
Mine also does the turning the house upside down thing… for a long time I did not have permission to clean the house or touch anything because I might disturb, hoover up or accidentally throw away some crumbs he’d dropped or forgotten about.
I’m stuck because we have a child together and I’m currently waiting to get rehoused. If I didn’t have a child with him then I would have been long gone and just supporting him from the sidelines.
Life is short and addiction seems to be super complex – so no matter if the addict wants to quit, it doesn’t always work that simply. That’s why you see people doing rehab more than once.