Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
It takes time but eventually you may feel differently. I believe in these situations we can only take so much. Eventually most people have enough of being treated badly… it can take a long time though to get to that point.
There are aspects to the addiction and any abuse sustained by partners that I think may be relevant also such as co-dependency, trauma bonding, enabling etc. I know I have suffered and suffer from these… I’m working on myself. The way I’m being treated is not love and I deserve better.
Mine is currently passed out on the toilet! Been there for a couple of hours. I tried to get him off the loo and into bed but he was too out of it (prescription drugs that are prescribed for him taken on top of drink and whatever else) and he’s too heavy.
Could you work on a plan to leave or force him to leave via an occupation order as you mentioned DV before? We do not have to put up with this vile, verbally and emotionally and physically abusive behaviour for the rest of our lives.
Re: opiates – maybe he is doing the thing mine had told me some people do, which is coke/crack for the high and heroin to mellow it out… there is a term for it but I can’t remember what it is.
The turning things back round on you sounds about right. It’s just a way of avoiding their own reality by blaming everyone else… when in fact it is no one else but their fault.
Mine is still fixated on me changing as apparently if I work on changing myself that would help. Haha. I just ignore it.
Are the drugs test so that he can see the children?
I’m sorry Shell.
I live with this too. I get called all the names under the sun except my actual name!
Mine is vile off the drugs.
I’m not sure if you are in a position to get away but if you can leave or not be in relationship, then it seems worth looking at doing that. You deserve to be happy and not to be verbally abused.
You are not a victim, you are a survivor.
Yes, mine says don’t worry about money like he will sort this mess out but it’s me paying all bar the phones and his credit card… so of course I have to worry as I’m the one paying for all the bills and our child’s needs… it’s absurd!
My phone is temporarily back on as we just got paid. It’s so humiliating explaining to people that your phone is off… but you know what… I just tell people the truth now. I’m like yeah my phone’s off cos he didn’t pay the bill. Why should I be embarrassed. He’s not bothered… he’s the opposite of a provider… he’s sucking the life out of me and trying to destroy me.
Mine is so deluded, it is unbelievable.
Is yours worse on or off the drug?
We are survivors and will get out of this mess.
Same here except no pub… pay came in yesterday so he arranged to meet the dealer to pay him back the money he owed (which I only found out about on Thursday!) and then obviously gets again…
So I come back from school run after going to a food bank type place to get food that would otherwise go to waste… to find he’s got drink, cigarettes and is getting that stuff. So I’m going about a normal day… start cleaning and catching up with a relative on the phone and he’s doing that and stinking the house out with his repulsive stench and fog… it’s like being in a movie about drug usage
I have no idea how the next month will look like as there is no spare money… and I can’t have him off the drug… he is so volatile, moody, aggressive off it. I need to be out of here for him to come off it.
I’m away from tomorrow for a couple of nights so I’m going to try and talk to him about it while I’m gone. I don’t really want to be in the house if he’s not going to have a steady supply… as nuts as that sounds. I don’t want him using but him quitting with me and the child there is not safe.
In nicer news, I bid on a place yesterday so fingers crossed… I’ve kind of given up but you never know.
Also Natasha, mine does the same re: phoning or texting…
He loves using threats… he also loves to say that if I do x y z or don’t stop doing something then he will get coke or will go down the pub and spend the last of the family money… so he tries to control me by threatening to get the drug, drink or cigarettes.
I’ve reached the point where I don’t care! Go ahead… be my guest… no rational person is going to think that’s acceptable behaviour – threatening to get drugs if someone doesn’t behave how you want (and how he wants isn’t even rational anyway!).
Hi ya
There’s not a lot else you can do, unfortunately. The person has to recognise they have a problem and want to stop taking it and seek help to do so.
It sounds if he isn’t actively looking to stop. Until he is ready to do so, it’s like banging your head against a brick wall.
The best thing you could suggest is he get himself to CA meetings or similar. If he truly wants to stop then he will take steps to do so or ask others for help.
Stay strong.
Hi Roberto
I echo what the others say… it is absolute hell living with a coke addict.
So my experience is even though they want to change and get clean, it’s incredibly hard. I think because usually there is an underlying reason fuelling the addictive personality. So many of the addicts have issues with other addictive behaviours such as heavy drinking, smoking, gambling, sex…
My one has been using drugs for all his adult life but mainly recreationally. I had no idea when I first met him. He also has had gambling issues decades ago and issues with alcohol and smoking. It turns out – I only found this out recently – that he had a previous bad addiction to crack years ago but managed to get off it.
When I met him, he was occasionally using coke recreationally. Just before lockdown this increased to someone showing him how to make crack from powder coke. Since then we’ve been in a nightmare of his increasing addiction to doing that.
At first mine was functioning but eventually he’s become non-functutional… not able to hold down a job, has had 2 suicide attempts, no money/debt, heavy drinking and smoking when he does it… aggressive and violent when off the drug/coming down. Extreme paranoia and delusions. It’s progressively got worse. Life revolves around the drug.
I would definitely steer clear if you are able to or otherwise, give him the time and space to get clean and do not move in with him or share any type of finances.
P.S. I woke up to him ransacking the bedroom around me looking for stuff he thinks he’s hidden.
I’m really worried about this coming month as there is no spare money so I have no idea how he will get much more. I’m going away for a couple of days respite and need to find a way to talk to him about this as he promised me last month that he’d be fine coming off it and doing that without any help… and it was a nightmare. I can’t go through that again.
Hi Mammy
Good to hear from you, but not in the circumstances… I’m sorry that you are feeling so low and he’s being so obstructive.
I’m in a similar position as mine had a brief respite – he told me he was quitting and he did for like 10 days. It was hell. I was sceptical anyway because his quitting coincided with there being no funds to procure the drugs. I just went along with it to see what would happen.
So he has ended up gutting some when I gave him money to go on a cross country trip for a sporting event he wanted to go to. So instead of going or giving me the money back because the travel wasn’t viable, he used the money to spend on drugs, drink and cigarettes. That really upset me. It was money I’d worked really hard to earn and would have otherwise gone on food or paying one of the many hefty bills.
Then as if that wasn’t bad enough, he got some more on tick behind my back. Then takes extra money from the money we get when we were paid. So I’m left short!
I will never give him any money again from my personal earnings.
I’m at my wit’s end. He is vile when off it… so violent. I feel so bad but I now actively am happy when he uses as my life is a lot easier even though he’s annoying when using. He’s not violent or aggressive.
I bid on another property so will find out about that next week. I’m desperate.
Mine does it at home on the regular, so no benders. Just constantly wanting to use daily and then trying to quit when money runs out and then back on it as soon as he can get it etc. He is stuck in a cycle.
I have known other drug users who would go to crack houses… so I know what you mean about the benders.
It gives the person such a (brief) high… they just chase that especially if there are underlying issues such as previous trauma or mental health. For mine it is temporary escapism from his thoughts and emotional pain… but it is ultimately causing him more issues and pain… he just can’t see that properly. It is never the answer.
Unfortunately another factor is who the person hangs around and what dealers have their details. So even if someone is in prison and comes off it in there, when they come out, there may be lots of triggers or people trying to contact them/drag them back into that lifestyle. Mine has told me he is very triggered by alcohol. He also gets very stressed and automatically wants to use/smoke cigarettes and drink… it’s all interlinked.
I’m sorry you find yourself in this place also.
Whatever you do, do not buy a house with him. I really believe that works be a very bad idea, as not only does that tie you to him but also if he is getting into debt, it is not ideal at all.
Can you look at getting yourself somewhere to live with your son? Even if it’s renting.
Your partner can sort himself out by himself. If he truly wants to… he can do it.
I’m in a similar position except we have a young child together. I’ve decided that he needs to sort himself out – I can’t make him quit and I can’t tolerate his behaviour, which is paranoid, violent, delusional, aggressive and volatile etc. He has tried to quit by himself and falls back in very quickly. I’m fed up with it. I’m just waiting to get rehoused.
Put yourself and your son first.
How are you doing Natasha?
Mine is back at it. He spent all the money for that trip… on booze, cigs and drugs… I’m so upset about it but no point as he doesn’t care and would never see my point of view. And then he had the last of my money extracted by being all threatening and moody… for more cigs and drink.
I don’t believe he can or will stop. I’m so anxious to get out now. I don’t want to be pulled down any further with this sinking ship! Even if he could quit, I think he should do it alone as I want no part in it. He’s also smoking in the bedroom! Disgusting. Our child is disgusted too. He says he does it so he can keep an eye on what we’re doing – controlling.
Mine does/did this. I’m in massive debt and he still asks for money. Bills are now going unpaid. I sometimes don’t have money for food.
I’ve reached the point where I can no longer be part of it. I just want out. I don’t want to be dragged down with the sinking ship. He is not actively seeking to stop despite promising me many times he would. He blames me for him using or relapsing… it’s so ridiculous.
I would take time to figure out if your partner is going to try go stop or not. Also take time for yourself.
Hi Yellowsky
I’m in a similar situation. My partner (who I’m trying to leave) is an addict. Started with cocaine and progressed to turning it into crack. He has the paranoia and hallucinations…
Like your son, he truly believes they are real. He hears things that are not there and see things that are not there… he thinks people are spying on him. He is constantly banging on the walls and ceiling – he’s damaged them – in response to what he hears and sees.
He did stop at one point and the delusions/paranoia decreased but were still there… definitely not as bad though. Unfortunately, he is back on it and can’t seem to stop. I think it does permanently change the brain if they do it enough for a sustained period of time. It basically seems to then cause a mental health issue.