[downtrodden1]

Hi, Unfortunately I don’t have much advice to give. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in this.

Guilt is usually what keeps us in these relationships. His drinking is obviously impacting on your life and you just need to remind yourself of why you made the decision to no longer live that way. You haven’t put him where he is now, he did.

In my experience it won’t get better, it’s a slippery slope with what appears to have no ending.

We only have one short life, do what makes you happy and stay strong in your decisions. I wish you the very best.

[downtrodden1]

Hi Nova,

I came across your post and can resonate so much. I could have written this post myself 20 years ago.

Detox is available on the Nhs but your husband would have to consent to receiving treatment. In my experience that is the easy part, the hardest bit for me was raising my hopes that things may change for the better only to have them dashed a few weeks later by relapse.

Everyone is different and their are many success stories where people have overcome their battle. I hope that is the case for your husband and family.

That isn’t the case for my situation, I found over the years the situation slowly deteriorated, the drinking and the abuse escalated.

I stayed because I know if I’d have left he would have drank himself to death and I couldn’t carry that guilt. Looking back that was the wrong decision, the addiction and associated abuse was not mine to carry. Yet I still remain.

If you decide to stay, the best advice I can offer you is to save what little you can and give yourself a secret emergency fund to get out if and when you decide to leave. Do not allow him to financially trap you.

I wish you and your children well.

[downtrodden1]

Hi KatieN,

My parents divorced when I was 8, it was very messy and they were unable to co-parent. I didn’t want to put my children through this.

I thought at the time I was shielding my children quite well from the effects of their fathers drinking. However,as they reached the teenage years they were so much more aware.

The children were shouted at for making too much noise when he was suffering from hangovers, I discouraged their friends from visiting as I didn’t want them seeing my children’s father in a drunken state.

He didn’t attend parents evenings, concerts and even their christening as he would be in the pub after work and at 11am sharp on weekends, infact my daughter has since told me she was surprised he attended her university graduation.

He is impossible to reason with when drunk and while I would just wait until he was sober teenage girls are not so willing. My eldest daughter left home at 16 because she she couldn’t stand his selfish behaviour, my middle daughter battled an eating disorder aged just 14 because she felt it was the only thing in her life she could control and still feels he chooses drink over his family.

All my daughters suffer anxiety to some degree and only visit early morning before he starts drinking.

I’m not saying he was all bad, he worked hard to provide for the children and they never went without, infact he would overcompensate with material things and money but emotionally he was not there for them and they have never felt supported by him.

I do hope your situation is different and your children are minimally affected. I wish you and your children all the best. Take Care

[downtrodden1]

Hi Holkat,

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My partner will never admit he has a problem with drink and I genuinely think he’s unable to cope with the stresses of life.

I ,like you coped by having my own interests, work and the children. However since my youngest left home last year,the pandemic forcing me to work from home and with him being on furlough it has brought it all to the forefront and I’m unable to ignore it any longer.

I have taken the decision to take on an additional part time job which will get me out of the house and will allow me to put money aside to enable me to leave if the situation does not improve.

I hope your partner realises the situation he’s putting you in and seeks the help he needs or you are able to remove yourself from the situation and find the happiness you deserve.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. Take care.

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