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Hiya jadeem,

I have just read your story and it is like re writing my own current situation/life.

My partner of 7 years has got so out of control, even running about for drug dealers so he can pay back what he owes, he never pays back as he’s always getting more, so the debt just builds up. I spend nearly every night on my own its just me and my son. I am awake every hour worrying where he might be, he doesn’t answer hes phone or any texts. I’m constantly in tears, but am in same situation as you as cant talk to family friends as they just wouldn’t accept it again. I’m here to talk x

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Hiya danman83,

I’m ok thanks, just trying to cope another day of hes addiction!

I have helped him so much with drug debts, sorting hes car out for him, paying bills…..all whilst paying my own bills and keeping the roof over our heads.

He just never makes that extra effort to change,.like the online CA meetings he hasn’t even bothered looking in to it. He gives in to cocaine so easily, the last few days of happiness may aswell have just been a waste of time, because in my eyes its all fake.

Well done for 2 months clean I literally have so much support for anyone that is giving it there all to change. And your proving its possible.

Yeah with the injecting it’s just got out of hand he did mention he had someone inject something else in to him but it wasn’t herion or crack, but I can’t remember what he said it was.

Just don’t know what else to do, I find talking on here helps me cope.

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Also we’ll done for staying clean its a massive achievement ????

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Thanks for the reply,

It’s just so frightening how bad it has got. Just don’t see him getting out of it. Also found condoms, but he said that they come with the needles. I’m not sure what to beleive. It’s all just got to much to be honest.

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Hiya Ronnie boyne

Thanks for your reply,

I honestly don’t know where to.go anymore with him. He has made me hate him so much, just with hes ways. For example the desire for extravagant sex and fantasies!! What’s that all about?

I cringe when he comes near me as I don’t know half the time where he has been. Because he stays out nearly every night in random houses or in hes car. He’s hygiene is zero, I just feel sad for my son because he literally loves hes dad to pieces and just hate the fact he does this.

My family don’t know, they did know at one point but then he came clean for 3 months but if I told them now I think he’s life wouldn’t be worth living.

Hes own family know but they are in the same boat as me, they are disgusted with hes behaviour.

It’s just sad how there dealers and drug friends become priority and with that I mean TOP priority. He even got to the point where he is running drugs about for them just to get hes next fix.

But thanks for the reply sometimes it’s nice just to hear other stories and relate. Especially when there drug use is at peak. Xx

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Hiya danman83

Thanks for your reply and we’ll done for staying clean!! You must be so proud to say you have got this far.

I’m just at the end of what to do or say anymore, I have done my absolute everything for him and just get treated like I’m invisable. He is constantly mixing with wrong people and staying in random peoples houses even in a pandemic!

I wouldn’t have a clue what he is taking or doing anymore as he tells so many lies. All I know is it has spiralled out of control and I don’t think he either wants to stop or knows how to stop.

I can’t help but worry its in my nature wether hes alive dead or just being a complete selfish pr*ck ….makes me so angry, and I’m not an angry person. Hes defo injecting and I think you can inject cocaine …..but he’s behaviour just lately makes me think something else.

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My family found out last year July, I had had enough and came out with everything, told everyone….he then went on the missing and dint see him for months. He then decided he was going to get clean and go to meetings, I feel that he only really done all this to get me back.

I gave him another chance, and for 3 months he was clean, then he slipped up and then kept relapsing if thats what you want to call it.

I rent my home and its just my name on everything, I could leave but just don’t have it in me for some reason to leave. I don’t know whether its where I have become weak from it all or what. Its mainly because I need him for certain aspects of childcare when I work, and he plays on that all the time, so basically because he knows I need him he just does exactly what he wants.

Like tonight I’ve cooked dinner done housework the usual things, have said to him could he collect our son from hes childminders at 5, he agreed this at 4pm, he said he was just going for 1 beer with a work friend. 5oclock comes I receive a text, oh sorry I’ve lost track of time just finishing my pint could you collect him? I was fuming, and so upset because I knew exactly what was coming….he will be out now for the whole night because he has obviously got it on tick again!

Am supposed to be taking my son to see santa at the weekend and I’ve told him he’s not welcome as he ruins everything before it even happens.

Thankyou It feels so nice to be able to talk to somebody about it, especially how I’m feeling right at this moment. Xx

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Hiya ash2013

Thanks again for your replies, I feel I am on simular levels as you where when your husband was using. I’m honestly so drained from him, if I’m working he is on the phone as moody as sin asking when I will be home and exact time. Constantly dictating my life, yet he is out constantly having hes cake and eating it! Like he has a work Xmas do on the 23rd Dec, he says I have to find childcare cover so he can go…… and normally he looks after our son on Saturdays as I work most Saturdays, yet just lately he has said he is working because he knows he will get paid for it so he can get hes drugs! I have said to him this can’t be a permanent thing as I can’t keep finding childcare cover. And not seeing any of the money he earns.

So I end up skint, searching for childcare all while hes out of hes head.

I can never relax or make plans and actually enjoy them because its constantly on my mind that he will somehow ruin it.

He talks to me like absolute sh*t when he’s on a come down and then he has this sudden burst of fake energy where he will walk round the house as if I’m invisible and whistle and just throw nasty little comments every now and then. And act dad of the year! This is when I know he wants to get more drugs, because he’s moods are all over the place.

I’m 30 and should be happy and enjoying my life but feel its just drifting away because of him.

Just don’t see the point in me getting him any help, because if he really wanted it he would do it himself. X

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Thanks, I understand it is hard for an addict, but my partner just doesn’t seek any help whatsoever. He knows there is a problem, but he just chooses the wrong path each time, he is missing work because of hes addiction, I’m honestly tired from it all, its the same every single day, I go to work and wait for him to get “bored” and then I get a message saying he has picked up again!!

When you say seek professional help, where do I start in getting him help. Or am I just wasting my time. Thanks

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Hi ash2013

Its definitely a living nightmare, day in day out.. I know what you mean with not enjoying any occasion because they just ruin it from the start, your on edge all day and the build up to the day.

They find it hard to just sit down and relax and watch a film or TV with there family, he spends most nights away from home, he doesn’t answer hes messages or calls, I sent endless messages and he may reply to one saying he will be home soon. But always ends up being 4/5am in the morning. I don’t think I’ve slept properly for months, this time of year is supposed to be a happy time, with getting presents sorted and visiting santa and buying the Xmas tree, but instead I end up doing most of it all on my own because he hasn’t come home, or is stuck in bed for days on end. I dread going to anyones house for drinks or anything that involves socialising with him, because he instantly ruins it by getting cocaine. And when he is high its such a waste because you cant talk to him because he is on another planet. I’m glad I found this site though it seems to help me vent my anger and stress from it all. X

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Hi skat,

Thanks for reading my post, it is so difficult living with an addict, and I seem to have found myself doing it more often than I should have accepted.

My partner is on a massive binge at the moment and he can’t seem to get himself out of it, he hasn’t been going to work so is at risk of losing hes job. He owes drug dealers money where he is constantly ticking…I send nearly every night on my own and he will come in at say 5am and then sleep for hours and hours. There used to be a time where I would constantly go on at him to sort himself out and to go in to work and worry, but now I have stopped because if he really wanted to do it he would do it. Dont get me wrong I worry every day/night about what could happen, can I afford my life, my house, my bills….but I have never relyed on hes money so I know I can cope without him. He is at the stage now where he just sits on hes own and if I mention it or ask him if he’s going to sort anything I just get shouted at and told to leave him alone.

You try and put on a brave face, do the washing up, the hoovering, cleaning, baths, washing, making sure everything is running smoothly, but at the end of the day its draining. Its draining trying to hide there addiction from other people, I even looked in to rehab, but privately it is so expensive, and I wouldn’t want to pay that sort of money for someone that could come out and get back on it. If they really want it they no where the help is, they just have to make that first step. Hope you are ok, and I’m here to chat. X

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Hiya ash2013

Thankyou so much for your reply it really made me stop and think for a moment. For the past 5 years its been nothing but hell. We have a son together and like yourself that is the only reason that I have stuck around for so long. I’m more heartbroken at how it affects our son, he is at an age (5) where he asks questions, wondering where daddy is, when he is on binge and doesn’t come home for days on end. I worry 24/7 live life on eggshells about if he is alive or whether he is cheating or beaten up. The list is endless, even after the nasty comments he comes out with towards me, yet I’ll still offer him coffee or make him dinner. I run around like a headless chicken after him, and it honestly drains me……..when he was clean last year for 3 months he was bliss, but secretly I think he only really did it because he knew I had kicked him out and he thought he had lost me. It saddens me because deep down he can be a loving caring man. I spend most days on my own after finishing work, watch TV on my own, eat on my own…..and then when he’s on a come down he is as moody as hell and just wants food and sex.

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Your defo not alone, my partner of 7 years is addicted, spends most of hes time away not coming home, and when he does he spends days in bed with a pig attitude. Its heartbreaking at times when you plan days out or anything at home and you just get lies and the whole not answering calls or texts. Then the fake im going to change attitude, yet nothing changes.

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I just want to say, I know exactly how you feel. Its tiring and draining. Its an endless battle.

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