[dxb]

I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are also going through this shock and disbelief. I am just keeping going ‘ day – by day’ and even ‘hour- by -hour’ . I am very lucky that I have good family who love me ( all of whom would happily see my Husband locked up and throw away the key however!) . I do not know how I ‘feel’ right now. I am so used to ‘sorting everything out’ and being the ‘ sensible’ one in our marriage that I feel so very guilty that me husband is in ‘ air bnb’ and seems to be struggling to come to terms with how serious this problem has become. I recognise that for the past few days my home feels calm, safe and like a ‘ sanctuary’. Last night I had my parents over for tea ( socially distanced in the back garden – thank goodness for the early summer at least!) which is the first time I’ve been able to have family or friends over, without being on edge , for 2 years or more. And I actually slept well last night for the first time in a while!! I can honestly see how much I’ve been ‘ on edge’ all the time at home for longer than I can remember. Whilst, as I say I feel so desperately sad for my husband and the mess he is now in, it is honestly such a relief to feel safe from the tension and risk of ‘ intoxicated behaviuor’. He is telling me how terribly sorry he is and that he is determined to change and I really want to support him, if I can, to sort himself out, but I have a knot in my stomach when I think of how far there is to go for us to rebuild our marriage, I feel drained and exhausted and know I am just not strong enough right now to manage anything other than ‘ keeping going’ and getting stronger in myself. Deep down I feel so guilty as I have good support , and a secure job, a home, and the motivation to rebuild a happy life. But I guess I don’t want to abandon my husband to a life of addiction and misery, but I know I cannot be around it any more. He has got to sort himself out. If he wants to and if he can. I can’t do it any more. I don’t know how to sort out the practicalities of future living arrangements, finances etc- I don’t know where to start as we have been together for 15 years. I don’t know how to strike the balance between being reasonable and fair ( to him) / being harsh and doing what’s ‘ best for me’/ and acting as his ‘rescuer’. ….. not sure if that makes any sense at all…… just a bit confused as this is Unchartered territory I suppose. I have tried to call a helpline today and will continue to seek some professional/ practical advice and suggestions from someone with experience In these matters. When I spoke to my husbands drug counsellor after the recent ‘ incident’ I accepted the offer to be referred to a ‘ family support’ service – and I have heard from them today ( and I rambled on and on to the person who called me – She was very patient and took my details down – and said a support worker will be in touch. I think I always talk too much when I am nervous and I also guess I like to sound as though I’m ‘ in control’ of matters – so I probably sounded like I had been ‘ on something myself’.Note to self – must try to remember when just to stop talking!! 🙂 ) . I hope if I can speak to the support worker ( without babbling like a fool!) it might help me to navigate A way forward/ explore ‘ options’ as well as ‘pros and cons’ ……. as I imagine everyone on this forum knows that this is so very hard and confusing. Thank you again for listening. Please everyone take care and stay safe. I will be watching out for your updates. Thankyou all for sharing your own experiences and advice. I will do the same as it helps me so much to write it all down and I hope to pass on any useful ‘ tips’ as I find what works for me X

[dxb]

Thankyou for your reply – it has really helped . Today I have ‘ swung’ between making myself be ‘ strong and resilient’ and then sobbing my heart out as I have spent the past 15 years caring for and loving my husband, no matter what he has done, I have never ‘ judged’ but have always promised him ‘ if you have a problem, we will deal with it together’ . He has no friends or family left and no one else to turn to. I hate the thought of him feeling I’ve rejected and abandoned him and made him homeless – it’s not what I would ever want or choose to do. I just wish so much that drugs had never entered our lives , changed my husband’s behaviour and his priorities beyond recognition from Those of the man I fell in love with, destroys trust and ruined our marriage .

I know I have to ‘ get real’ but I just want my husband and our marriage back to how they were in the happy years before this nightmare began. I just sob and sob when I think of how I dreamt of how it would be – dreams for the future/ our retirement etc etc and how this is never going to happen now.

Thankyou x

[dxb]

There are so many of us on here who can truly understand the nightmare of loving an addict. My husband is goodness only knows where since I called the police on Tuesday – when he had an ‘ episode ‘ and became dangerous – the Police arrested him and I am refusing to have him back. Sounds so simple – if only it was!! I spend hours of the day sobbing, worrying about him , feeling guilty for making him leave and trying to be strong to do ‘ tough love’ – it is so hard when you have built a life together, belived that Any change ‘the addict’ seemed to have made was real and that things really had got better and you were now safe and could rebuild trust and your relationship again. Your story breaks my heart. You are so strong for keeping going and for keeping your kids with you. I am so sorry to hear that your kids have witnessed his abhorrent, selfish behaviour, but thank goodness they have you and their grandparents to keep them safe. Are you safe yourself ? Has he reacted to you sending the kids to their grandparents ? ( I only ask because whenever I say to my husband what measures I take to keep myself safe , he acts all ‘ offended’ and hurt as he says that he would never intentionally put me in danger and frighten me – he sometimes then gets quite nasty ) . I think it is fantastic that you have made sure your kids are in a safe place and I really hope you are OK too.

I hope that you can soon find a new home – as although I know the emotional hurt, wounds and worry will not go away instantly , at least you will have a place where you are safe and free to care for yourself and your kids. Please know that no one on here is alone. X

[dxb]

Thank You . This helps so much xx

[dxb]

What you describe about what has happened and how it affects and confuses you – resonates so very deeply with me. I wish I could send you a massive hug . We ‘ feel’ and acknowledge our emotions .

I do not feel able to describe in detail, my journey with my addict ( who is my husband). But I know we have periods of stability, love and respect which makes our marriage a wonderful place to be for me – and I believe fit my husband. Then, every so often, fairly ‘ out of the blue’ I will notice subtle changes / signs that substances are back in our marriage again. I am honest and will always try to calmly, and with respect and love, voice my observations but try not to ever lecture or judge. More recently I have been consistent with myself and my husband in being self – protective and refusing to play along with denials, deception, lies and ‘ gaslighting’. – and his self pity. He has learnt over time that When I see him hurting, it breaks my heart but he has In the past been able to manipulate me as he knows I am ‘ soft’ and I love him. My husbands Usual pattern of behaviour is to ‘ hide’ his relapse from me, but he becomes sneaky, secretive and careless and when I confront him he will try to deny and minimise his behaviour. When He realises that I will no longer fall for these lies and his excuses about why he ‘ relapsed’ – he becomes self pitying, withdrawn and cold. He almost becomes ‘ submissive’ in his behaviour- keeping saying he is ‘ sorry ‘ and he loves me and ‘ he understands how I must be feeling!!’. I’ve heard him say ‘ you don’t deserve this – you will be better off without me ‘ so many times. With current lockdown, he is less able to repeat all of past behaviours – as typically, he will become withdrawn and cold and will then leave/ disappear, worry me stupid – refuse to ans er calls / texts (I always ask him just to let me know he is Safe) then he will send me rambling cryptic messages alluding to self – harm and sucide. I now realise that he is always ‘ off his face’ at these time’s and Uses being away from me and out home as an opportunity to heavily indulge in substance use. I will not hear from him for ages and he will often leave and stay away for days or weeks. It has made me seriously ill with stress, hurt and upset in the past . I have called the police on more than one occasion when he convinced me he was going to OD or kill himself some other way and refused to tell me where he was So I could help him/ rescue him. But I now realise that for my husband it is a pattern of behaviour that is selfish and driven by his need and urge to follow his addiction. I know that in his own way he loves me, but I have realised that until now his addiction and the behaviours that go with it will override his feelings for me as his relationship with the addiction is more powerful than his love for me. I hope and pray that at some point he will choose to try to manage his addiction and behaviour , but I recognise that this is not easy for him , so I have, (with help, support and strength form ‘ Adfam’ and from the family and friends who truly love me )learnt how to focus on not letting his addiction destroy me and my relationship with the other important people in my life.

I am sorry if my reply is rambling and if I sound ‘ hard hearted’. It has taken me years to start to be self protective and learn that I cannot ‘ save him’ . What you are going through is so confusing, painful, disorientating and difficult. You sound like a wonderful caring person who is understandably so worried about her partner and Who has done everything possible to try and understand, love and support him. It is so hard when our love and support is met with rejection and coldness from the Ones we love.

Please,if you can, allow yourself to get through this time by doing things to nurture and look after you. Caring for, loving and constantly worrying about an addicted loved one is so very exhausting and draining. Please, please use the support of this wonderful network. I am generally a strong, confident and bubbly person. But for years I tried to ‘ hide’ the reality of our marriage form others. I became fairly isolated and quite unwell. Without this wonderful support from Adfam and reading the experiences of all the people going through similar, I know I would still be trying to protect and cover up for my husband, and I would not have goind the strength to look after myself. This is the first time I have been on the forum page and find it reassuring that there are so many of us who are caring, loving people -please know you are not on your own.

Sending you lots of strength, love and honest understanding xx

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