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I also really relate, I was naive I knew my now husband had issues long before I married him but I always hoped he would change, I accept now he won’t. I find it hard to walk away because i am clinging on to the good, knowing it’s mainly bad and putting up with the mood swings, manipulation and blame that I’m given. I know deep down I shouldn’t be here anymore but I don’t want to give up on the man I love. If you can walk away now, I urge you to seriously consider it, not because he’s a bad person but for you, please don’t think they will change because they have to want to and if eventually they do that’s great but don’t wait to find out.

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Hi NaNs

No he doesn’t. It’s the only thing he enjoys doing. We had plans last weekend they didn’t happen and he had plans this morning which don’t look like they will happen either. Thank you for your perspective it’s interesting to hear from someone in a similar situation to my Husband. It does make him suicidal. It’s so hard to live with the comedown and to know it’s the only thing he finds fun because I almost take that personally. I want to be supportive but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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I have told my mum about my husband in good faith as I needed someone to turn to. But now I feel it’s driven a wedge between us all. Now I don’t feel I have anyone to turn to. Really struggling at the moment to hold it all together it’s another bender weekend this weekend and I just wish I had someone I can go to to feel safe and loved.

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Hi I completely relate to this. My husband has always done coke since the ages I guess if around 18 I met him when he was 30. He has never hidden his using to him is normal and completely acceptable because to him it’s recreational and I’m the one with the problem because I don’t see it like that. My husband will spend anywhere from £50 – over £1000 in a “session” a session is every weekend minimum sometimes these roll over into the week. In a way it’s lucky he has been able to fun this lifestyle but because I have his bank logins and he can’t get to his money he will rack up debts and then spend a few weeks paying them off. This is my problem now is that extreme lengths he is going to to get what he wants. I can not control the spending anymore because what I think was 250 for a night is actually 1000. He says it’s my fault all he wants is for me to sit with him on a Friday and join in. I have said I will not do that. I don’t want to end up in his situation in years to come. I’ve tried to compromise and won’t get upset on the Friday as I know that’s his weakness after a stressful week, but it always goes beyond that. Our weekends are dictated by drugs and alcohol, 3 beers and it’s game over. My husband certainly does it for. Reaction he hates to be told not to do something and if I ask him not to he will hit it much harder. I have made his treatment of me acceptable because I have allowed it to go on for so long and I know that has to change but my heart currently rules me.

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I think for me this forum has confirmed my husband has a problem, part of me always thought maybe I’m over reacting and perhaps it’s in my head. I wish I had kids but I’m so grateful that is one less consideration to have right now. As others have mentioned this will just carry in unless he decides to do something about it and I know he just isn’t at that point yet. I can’t hide away forever so I guess today is working out what I do next.

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It is so nice to realise I’m not “mad” or over reacting as I’m often told at home! And that so many stories are similar, the sitting upstairs alone using, blaming it on me (my reaction made him do more) and not wanting to listen to thoughts and opinions of others. It’s really making me feel stronger reading these posts and I’ve realised now I must get out and then be strong and brave. It is going to be a long road and I want to support my husband but I realise now I cannot do that whilst being so close, I need to offer my support from a far and see how we get on.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

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When I know he is “on one” and I worry that I will be kept up all night dealing with the drama I feel I have to make a decision do I stay or do I leave and take myself out the situation. Last night I left and I am now fighting my gut which says I cannot do this anymore and my heart which says you love him you will be letting everyone down if you give up. It’s literally tearing me apart. I am lucky to have this safe place to come and when i get here I feel the weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can just be me. But I realise the chaos I am now bringing to the people I stay with because I have to just turn up – this annoyed my husband because he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be around but he also won’t listen to me when I tell him why. I feel such a burden on everyone including my husband. But I’m so tired of the drama and the anxiety. Being part of this group has made me realise I’m not mad, there are people like you going through a similar thing and that is making me realise that this cycle is never going to change unless I do something about it, not to fall for the kindness again when he is sober and to try to be strong and draw a line in the sand and not go back, so that everyone involved can try to heal. My husband has categorically told me he loves cocaine and I think to myself there isn’t room for cocaine and me in his life.

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I just think to myself what will it take for me to say enough is enough. I know if I leave now I will find it so hard to stop being part of his life and I would likely cave and go back again because I hate to see him struggle, I hate feeling I could do more but at the same time he makes me feel like I’m going mad, telling me what I’m saying isn’t true and that he’s not bad compared to others. Sometimes I wish someone would take me away and not let go back or if I had kids I’d have a reason to walk away.

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It is so hard, my gut knows things will not change and this is a bigger problem than he accepts and only likely to get worse he says when he is 40 (this year) he will stop but I just don’t see it happening, he seems to be becoming for and more angry with the world and that frightens me because he is becoming capable of more and more. My heart doesn’t want to let him down by giving up. It is so incredibly draining. I can’t love him how I want to because I’ve been hurt and let down so many times my guard is up and that causes tension between up as well. He is the main financial earner in the house and never lets me forget it.

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Sorry I realise this wasn’t a positive reply, but I would like to follow this post to see there are any positive outcomes.

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I actually really relate to your post. I have been with my husband for 9 years married for two and it’s been a rollercoaster ever since we met. I really have lost trust now and get so anxious every time I hear a beer bottle open. He can’t get through a Friday without cocaine. But my husband doesn’t want to stop, so I am just trying to decided if i can carry on in this chaos or if I have to walk away. It’s one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make and I think in my gut I know what I have to do but my heart just won’t let me. My life feels filled with anxiety, conflict and lies and I’m just not sure I can endure anymore but I also know it’s an addiction and I want to support him in the best way I can as he doesn’t deserve to be given up on.

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Thank you @Kel1. To be honest I never know what to say, I’ve never written in a forum before.

I love my husband so much but I feel I make it worse because I get so sad and try to talk about it and just get ignored.

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