[elf73]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Wow, Survivor7.  First of all I’m so sorry for all you went through but well done to you for staying strong.</p>
Secondly, I feel like I really needed to read this tonight so I owe you a huge thank you.  For the first time in my life tonight I had a fleeting thought that I may as well kill myself (I don’t feel like that now).  I had a huge fight with my other half and a said I wished he would die.  I don’t.  I really do not wish that.  I’ve spent so long being scared that would happen due to his addiction that I think I think i just blurted it out to try and hurt him like I had been hurt.  Of course I immediately felt awful, I felt like everything he has said – that I’m nasty and it’s all my fault – I felt like it was all true. That I was to blame for everything.  He is always putting me down and making me feel like crap and it all just got on top of me tonight.  I felt so bad about myself, so defeated, like I was trapped and it was mever going to get any better. I had nothing left.

I came on here as it always gives me strength.  It reminds me that it isn’t me, that is him (or rather his addiction) talking.  They are all the same, coming out with the same excuses, accusations and insults, to make you feel crazy.  They don’t care one bit about what it’s doing to you, just what they can get away with.

Your post made me realise how I am normalising his behaviour and as a result doubting myself.  I’m letting myself be spoken to and treated in a way that I should never put up with.  I’m walking on egg shells in my own home.  I’m scared to say the wrong thing in case it triggers him when in reality I’m not triggering him… he’s just using me as an excuse.  He’s making an absolute mug out of me and I’m letting him and feeling bad about it in the process!  If someone else told me they were putting up with this I’d tell them to run a mile.   I’d say what the hell are you doing with him?   Yet here I am.  I need to get a grip.

[elf73]

Hi Vivian

Gosh, we all seem to be living the same miserable lives.  It’s horrendous isn’t it?  I’ve threatened to leave so many times and he then says all the right things, promises to change and admits he needs help.  Once I’ve agreed to try again it isn’t long before he slips back into his old way…. its a matter of days.  I put up with his moods and bite my tongue thinking he’s getting out of his system and it will get better, but within about 2 days he is in suspiciously good form.  I suspect he’s having small amount at this stage so it isn’t completely obvious.  If I ask him about I’m the problem and driving him to it. Then days later he’s back to being off his face and the whole cycle starts again.  Except, each time I care less and less about him and what he is doing to himself and I care more about what it’s doing to me.  I therefore think its just a matter of time before I simply don’t love him any more and leaving will be easier.

Reading all these posts where people have gone through this for years makes me so sad and the thought of this being my future just terrifies me.  I can see his mental health declining all the time and I dread to think how he will end up.

If you feel its time to leave, please don’t feel guilty.  You have to think of yourself and as you said it may even help him face up to things once he has to properly deal with the consequences of his addiction.

 

Take care x

[elf73]

Oh Navy, I feel every word you are saying.  It is bloody awful. You need to think of yourself, you’ve done everything you can.  I too worry about how he will end up if I leave but quite frankly I have to start thinking about how I will end up if I stay. Two lives ruined.  Time to save myself and just hope it has the effect making him save himself too.  Staying certainly doesn’t seem to be working for either of us.   I’ve been blamed for everything anyway over the last few months so whatever I do is wrong.

I’m having the same old boring fake conversations tonight that he always seems to want to chat about when he’s on it.  He’s so full of shit and it’s hard work pretending to be interested in the crap he comes out with.  I can’t stand it.  It does make me laugh when he swears he hasn’t had it.  He really thinks he’s getting away with it.  I feel like filming I’m and showing him the next day and then ask if he was sober talking like that.

Take care Navy.  X

Kulstar, I echo what Navy has said, thank you for continuing to share your story and giving us an insight into what it’s like on the other side.  You are truly inspirational.  Wishing you continued health and happiness.

 

[elf73]

@navy Sorry for the delay in replying and thank you for thinking of me.  To cut a long story short things are really awful.  We have had occasional good times where he seems to admit it all, take responsibility and apologise.  I resolve to helping him in any way I can.  Two days later were back to it all being my fault, I suck the enjoyment out of everything apparently, I am the reason he takes it, I’m patronising and judgemental and say all the things that trigger him.  Then he’s off his face again and being cocky and fake happy. Then the comedown starts and he’s sorry and he hates himself and he admits he needs help.  He can’t do it without me and he’s so lucky to have me standing by him, I’m so patient and understanding when he doesn’t deserve it.  The the cycle starts again it’s not long before I’m the worst person in the world.  I’m fat and ugly too tonight and it’s no wonder he’s so bored and needs something else apparently!

I think I’m done now.  🙁

How are you doing? X

[elf73]

It’s definitely not your fault Navy. We’re all here because we are trying to find out more about addiction so that we can help our loved ones, desperately trying to save them even when we’ve been treated so badly. Even if it was true that my partner that unhappy with me he could have left any time.

It’s not us that’s the problem though. I really think, as far as coke is concerned, it just starts as something to try – there are so many people doing it and it’s glamourised so much – a middle class drug. They try it and its makes them feel great, gives them a confidence they never had and they feel more sociable. They just love the feeling at first. They then take it more and more and without it everything and everyone just seems boring or gets in the way of them taking it. That’s why they end up blaming us or at least making us feel like it’s us. Doing normal things like eating dinner, watching TV, having a quiet drink at the pub… its all boring now because the drug makes them feel like that.

I went through so many emotions at first and I’ve spent months thinking it was my fault and I was too boring or not paying him enough attention. I know now though, especially from reading these forums, that it’s nobody’s fault but theirs.

I know its easy to fall into addiction and I know its hard to get out of. He (and anyone else suffering) has my utmost sympathy. However, we must remember that nothing we can do can make them use coke and nothing we can do can make them stop. It’s all on them. Whether we stick around to support them or not is our decision. I’m making that decision based on how it is affecting me and whether staying is doing any good. I’m really unhappy and sticking it out isn’t helping either of us so I feel it’s time to leave.

Also sorry for rambling but like you I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so once I start I can’t stop!

[elf73]

.

[elf73]

.

[elf73]

Apologies, not sure why it posted multiple times but I can’t seem to delete the duplicates.

[elf73]

Navy, I just wanted to reply to wish you all the very best of luck. I can’t offer advice as I’m in a similar position. I’ve given an ultimatum and suspected he was still using but doing less as not as obvious. It was very clear again this weekend, leaving no room for any doubt. I’m so sad but like you I’m so unhappy in this relationship now I just can’t carry on. There’s no trust, no support, no love… just lies and distrust. I don’t believe a word he says any more and I feel like I’ll always be wondering if he’s had it even if he eventually does quit. I just can’t see a future for us any more and leaving seems more and more appealing by the day.

I just can’t believe we’re in this position. What an awful drug. Absolutely devastating, just tearing everyone and everything apart. I feel so bad for anyone with children going through this. I’m just grateful I only have myself to worry about.

Take care of yourself, you deserve better. X

[elf73]

Thank you, I appreciate that.

When I say he gets angry and moody I never feel scared or intimidated. We’ve always been very equal in terms of arguing and decision making etc. It just feels like he is losing his temper and over reacting at the slightest thing. He is also picking up on the slightest thing I do wrong and trying to make me feel really bad about it. I know he just wants to make himself feel better that he’s not always the bad guy and I also have faults but that’s also really draining. As much as I know that’s what he’s doing it and I understand why, it can still hurt.

He is taking it every day now and has been doing for at least 6 months. Do you think it is possible to quit without regular help? He has seen a drug counseller but I don’t think he told them the truth so he was just sent away with some leaflets.

The hardest part is not being able to talk to him about it. If I mention it he says I’m making it worse and just to trust him but how can I when he’s lied so much?

[elf73]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes I’ve read your posts and that’s what giving me some hope. You should be very proud of yourself, it’s clearly not an easy thing to overcome. You’ve really embraced your new outlook on life and it’s fantastic that you’re sharing your experience to help others.

I know he doesn’t want this to be his life and he just wants to feel normal too but at the moment the beast is definitely winning. He is bored with everything unless it involves coke but he’s not stupid. He knows very well that the cocaine has caused this in the first place. He knows that if he gives it up he will start to enjoy other things that life has to offer. He knows this, we’ve spoken about it.

I’ve told him I’m done now and looking for somewhere else to live. He’s now trying really hard but he knows that without me it, if he has to pay all the bills and buy food etc, he won’t be able to afford his habit. It’s not because he loves me and can’t bear to lose me. It’s certainly not because he’s ready to quit. At the moment I’m making it too easy for him to carry on, he doesn’t want to give that up.

He’s making sure he’s not doing as much so it’s harder for me to see the signs. He’s coming to bed at night. He’s pretending to be interested in my day when he was quite visibly bored of everything I said before. It’s all fake though. I can read him like a book, he thinks he’s getting away with it but he’s obviously still on it. He won’t be able to keep this control up for very long though. He will get too out of his face, he will get too angry when he runs out.

I’ve threatened to leave so many times but I couldn’t bear to just end our relationship, I love him so much. However, now that I think leaving might actually help him, not just me, I think its the right thing to do.

[elf73]

Yes its so awful. We’ve been together over 20 years and he’s been taking coke for nearly a year. Apparently I’m really aggressive and argumentative all of a sudden. I’m not the one who has changed! At first I was exasperated and arguing back but I realised that’s what he wanted. For me to be the bad person. I just walk away now. I feel like he is always trying to get a rise out of me. It’s horrible. Then the next minute he’s great! I just want a normal life.

[elf73]

.

[elf73]

@bluestar I hope you move on from this, you absolutely deserve to be happy. It sounds like you’ve given him more than enough love and support. You can’t do any more than that.

@emma Wow. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that but absolutely over the moon to hear you have moved on and that you are very happy now. A lot of what you have written has given me a lot to think about. I recognise a lot of these behaviours especially turning the emotional abuse around to be me the instigator. Thank you for sharing.

[elf73]

I’ve only just joined this site but just wanted to say I’m in exactly the same position as you. In fact if you replace ‘she’ and ‘her’ with ‘he’ and ‘him’ and I could have written this word for word. The lies are most definitely the worst. Especially when you know they are lying at the point they are doing it. I hate myself for the way I react sometimes but although I’m new to seeking support myself I’ve already learnt a lot fro. Reading Kulstar’s posts and replies. I’m now focusing on my own wellbeing and taking a step back. I think he needs to figure this out on his own and I’ve neglected myself for far too long. I can’t offer any advice as like I said I’m new to this approach myself after dealing with his addictions for the best part of 20 years (gambling first and the past year coke and alcohol). However, I just had to say how much I related to your post. Look after yourself first.

[Author]

Posts