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I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, you’re not going mad & the situation isn’t in your head – although your boyfriend will go out of his was to make you feel like you’re the problem. You sound like you’ve got a really good understanding of things & you’ve taken your time to learn about & understand the behaviour/patterns. Your boyfriend is an addict. And by the way you’re describing the situation he’s got no intention of admitting there is a problem or will be willing to change his behaviour any time soon. If he is not even prepared to discuss it & makes you feel like you’re the issue when you try to address things so you simply don’t just for a quiet life then he’s manipulating you & it’s working (and he probably beloved that himself at this stage as that’s what the drug will be telling him) An addict can make you feel like you’re losing your mind – will have you questioning your own reality & it’s an awful thing to be put through. The lies, the deceit, the manipulation, the gaslighting – I ended up on anti-depressants myself after coming out of a relationship with an addict because he smashed my mental health to pieces. He blamed all his odd behaviour on me to the outside world making out I was abusive at home & he had an awful home life (nothing could have been further from the truth!!!) but it bought him almost a year on cocaine before I and others started to cotton on. I unearthed thousands of debt, sex workers, the list goes on, it was absolutely horrific. My advice to you – get out. Leave. Run as fast as you can or you’ll be stuck on a merry go round of hell for years. Read some of the stories on here – is that the life & the future you want for yourself? It gets worse before it gets better – IF it ever gets better.
Sorry if I sound negative but that’s my experience of the drug & what it does to people & as much as you love them – you have to love yourself more & do what is best for YOU. No one deserves to be treated the way an addict treats you, it’s mental torture & at the end of the day – only they can get themselves out of the mess they have created, no a lot of love in the world from someone else can fix them. Hope you’re okay & always happy to talk if you need to xMy heart bleeds for you, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It was the worst time of my life and I had the luxury of being able to walk away without marriage or children being involved. Please stay strong, it will get better.
In reply to your question – I think about him every day and it’s been nearly two years. And I still love the man he was very much. But he’s gone – that person will never come back – not the way he was & even if he did, the lies, deceit, the horrors he put me through- I’d never get over it regardless. I separate the two people – the man he was – I mourned, that person I was with died & I feel sadness, sorrow towards him & his family. The man walking around in his body now – I feel nothing towards other that pity. That person is not who I knew & he’s not a nice man. Put the drugs aside & take away that element/excuse – would you accept that kind of behaviour from a husband? Is that how you saw your future – being treated like that? No, it’s wrong, you deserve better & you need to try and move on. Have you considered any kind of counselling/going to the doctor? X
Oh it’s incredible how they twist things to cause arguments & make things out to be your fault or like you’re being unreasonable for absolutely no reason whatsoever! I’m so glad I have such a strong sense of self & unlucky for him we actually had a really lovely relationship before Miss Charlie took over our lives – we never used to argue, I can’t remember ever even raising our voices in 3 years – we were a really happy couple – so when that stuff took him & he started trying to make out I was this awful person & we had a horrid relationship I knew it was all just utter sh!te! ! I’ll always remember one day when I was begging him to go to the doctors & he said to me ‘I actually think you need to go & see someone – I genuinely think you got bipolar or something, the way you go off at me a times’
I actually found that moment quite comical. The scary part was I actually think he believed a lot of his own lies though at that point. It’s enough to drive someone insane. Stay strong x
Ask me anything you like, I’m always happy to talk, if nothing else came out of what I went through other than being able to offer a few words of support to others it’s something positive! Try not to keep beating yourself up over timelines & thinking about what if’s & whens – you can drive yourself silly with it! Although I know it’s hard not to as everything starts falling in to place & the odd behaviour starts making sense, but then you’ll start unpicking the lies & questioning everything & it will consume you. It’s so hard though as you just want to understand! Why and how could they do this? Chose that stuff over you, your relationship, family, home – but it’s the drug – it’s an addiction and they would never chose it for themselves – it just slowly creeps in & takes over & convinces them they are having the time of their lives, that they need it to get through a day – to feel normal, to survive – and anyone that gets in the way of that is a nag, a pain, a bind, a hassle they don’t need. I found with my ex that he actually behaved more normally when he was actually on it at times! The comedowns were horrific & he was vile & nasty or sleeping for 18 hours – when the big benders started he’d be on it for 3 days before he’d eventually crash – in that time he’d be sleeping with prostitutes, messaging girls (many of who I knew!!) driving around getting up to all sorts with unscrupulous characters – it was horrific, the man I knew would never have dreamed of behaving like that. He also was doing it at work – got away with it for the best part of a year before it finally spiralled out of control. He tried to hide everything by telling everyone he’d got mental health issues (obviously all caused by me!!!) & that’s how he got away with it for a long time after. The lies he told people about me were horrendous – I just could not believe how he could turn on me like that to save his own skin when all I had ever done was love him to the ends of the earth – we had a lovely relationship! We never even used to argue!! After I ended the relationship I said I was always be there to help & support him once he decided to get professional help. He ended up seeing a councillor & doctor but didn’t tell them about the drugs & told me one day that they had both told him reason for all of his behaviour & mental health issues was because I was emotionally abusing him!!! That was the last straw for me – after the living hell he’d put me through I’d had enough & I didn’t speak to him again for 12 months after that. I was broken. I was mourning the death of the man I thought I was going to marry, deal with being cheated on & lied to for a year, being mentally abused myself by him trying to make me think I was crazy & cope with all the lies he’d told everyone about me yet I was still so desperately sad for him. I still loved him. He’d ruined his life by basically being naive & not realising what that stuff could actually do & how it takes over your entire existence. His poor parents were beside themselves & his behaviour obviously worsened in that year – he had his vehicle sized, lost his job, had several car accidents, physical accidents, convinced himself people were following him round/stalking him & had it in for him – non of which were his fault of course (and nothing to do with the drugs obviously- he was just REALLY unlucky!) I ended up on anti-depressants myself for a short while after the break up – it was the most horrific thing I have ever been through (there’s so much more but I won’t bore you with the details) That was not going to be my life & I knew how it would pan out for him & I was right. Once the trust is broken I don’t think you can ever truly get it back & to this day I don’t believe a word that comes out his mouth. Addicts lie & are master manipulators. He got a new girlfriend a few months after me, wreaked havoc in her & her families life (her sister messaged me out of desperation as she said he was tearing their family apart & wanted to know the truth about him as obviously he’d spun them a load of lies) I saw him just after Xmas this year parked in a lay by after not speaking to him for a year & I knew why he was there – I got in his car & he looked like death – he was in the middle of one of his 3 day benders, it was so, so sad but it just confirmed I made the right decision the year previous. He openly talked about the drugs so at least he knew there was an element of that casing the problems in his life but still no real acknowledgment that being an addict WAS the problem. I begged him to go home to his parents & talked about a lot but mainly just found out that his life had been a circus ever since we split. (He had done stints of being clean from what I could gather) I had a few chats with him after that to make sure he was okay but I said something he didn’t like one day & made a really nasty personal comment & I just thought why the hell am I STILL being nice to this person? STILL trying to support him after he absolutely destroyed every last part of me. Nearly ruined my life, took my confidence, self worth, lost our home, his dog (that was basically mine), my ability to trust anyone or myself, I was left with ptsd & to top it all off got the blame for it all!! (Obviously everyone knows the truth now – time Is the teller of all truths but it didn’t help at the time!) That gave me the closure I think I needed really but I’ll never 100% get over it. It’s the most traumatic thing I have ever been put through. Hence why I still come on here. I still feel sad about it, about him, I still love that man I was with before that stuff took him but I don’t ever think he’ll be right again now & I was not willing to put myself through a lifetime of that for ‘love’. I had to love myself more & get out – I didn’t not deserve any of that. Present day – I’m really, really happy – it took me a lot to rebuild my life but I now live in my dream home in the middle of nowhere with my little dog & my horses, have the most amazing & supportive family & friends, have a lovely boyfriend of which I do NORMAL things with like go on holiday and actually spend quality time together and have fun! You don’t realise how not normal your relationship with an addict actually becomes until you meet someone else – even just getting taken out for a meal & having someone WANT to spend time with me instead of avoid me & make me feel like I’m an inconvenience was totally foreign to me. The IS light at the end of the tunnel & it will get better & easier, I know it doesn’t feel like it but he’s done you a favour by breaking things off – take your golden ticket & run. Please think of yourself and take care xx
I’m so sorry to read your story & what you’re going through. I check in on this site from time to time as it helps me after I went through a break up with an addict (cocaine) & it still haunts me to this day. No one really understands the living hell you go through & the mental torture & trauma is leaves you with other than people on here who have experienced it. My ex was such a great guy & that stuff turned him in to the devil. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I had no choice – he wouldn’t admit he had a problem (me finding out he was spending £300 a day on it & sleeping with prostitutes wasn’t even enough to make him think there was an issue). Everything was everyone elses fault, he would go out of his way to start fights & cause arguments as an excuse to use or blame me & made out to the outside world I was crazy – and he made me feel like I was!! I like you went to his family & they thought I was nuts. He made me the scapegoat for everything when we split up trying to hide the truth about his addiction- I had to move away as I was so embarrassed, humiliated & ashamed. The man I loved & knew was gone & I had to accept that & try not to take it personally – it was the drug, not him. It’s about them – not about us. The lies, deceit – you won’t even know the half of it, the depraved things I witnessed & found out – my whole world was smashed to pieces. Losing his home & me wasn’t enough, eventually his job went, all his money, he was left with nothing. While ever your partner thinks he doesn’t have a problem he will choose that drug over you no matter what. Cocaine changes the chemistry in the brain – His brain is telling him you make it difficult for him to use – his brain thinks it needs it to survive so it wants rid of you – simple as. He won’t feel anything towards you, all sense of morals, empathy – any human emotion really other than selfishness & self pity takes over. My advice to you – let him go. For your sake – leave & never look back. If you want a future like some of the poor souls on here that have been stuck in these horror stories for years then you can carry on trying to help him – but be prepared for the long haul & i’m afraid until he admits he has a problem you stand no chance at all. Miss Charlie will win every time. Stay strong x
Just wondering how you are.. still think of you! Hope life is treating you kindly x
How’s things? Xxx
So good to hear from you! And I’m so glad you’re feeling better & life is good again for you now. What a journey ay, basically to hell & back – I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m in a great place, I’m so happy in my little home, everything is going great with the horses & I’m super busy all the time, living life for myself again (Out with friends, going on a beach holiday with the horses & the girls next week etc) & I look & feel fab so that really helps. I won’t lie, I still feel very bitter about the whole situation, he’s moved on to a new victim now & a few people are still buying in to his lies. I really don’t know what is going on with him on the drug front as I haven’t spoken to him for months – (although I do know he’s still in an awful amount of debt & burying his head in the sand on that front). Sometimes I feel like asking him to meet me so I can go over everything as I feel like I need that closure & some answers & to make him realise what he actually did but deep down I know it’s totally pointless & he’s created this bizzare reality for himself that it’s all been down to anxiety, depression & PTSD from crashing his truck (high as a kite) & he’s the victim in the whole sorry mess. He’ll never be ‘right’ again now & I know that, that’s all the closure I should need. I hate that he’s told so many lies about me & people will never really know how horrific it was & what I had to endure. I know I’ll never really get the answers I want or the truth so I have to let it go, I hate that it still has a hold over me but hopefully it will continue to fade in time. I’m still seeing the same guy I was last time we spoke, it’s very steady away which is all I’m really capable of for the foreseeable but he’s been a big help & it’s nice to know it hasn’t ruined my faith in the entire male species as I was worried I would turn very cold & bitter on that front. I’m so glad we made it out – when I read the stories on here of people who have been stuck in this nightmare for years I KNOW I made the right decision as quickly as I did xx
How are you? I keep thinking about you & hope things are going well & youg’re healing with time. Have you got moved & settled? Xx
How are you? I keep thinking about you & hope things are going well & you’re healing with time. Have you got moved & settled? Xx
So good to hear from you, I was only thinking about you the other day! My life has just got better & better! I LOVE my new home, I’m back out competing & doing what I love with my horses & I have them both here with me at home which is a dream come true! I’ve had a big pay rise at work, had my hair done (and by Botox) ha ha! so I feel a million dollars! I’ve been out for meals with friends, doing all the things I love again that make me happy that I didn’t realise he had slowly stripped away from me & life couldn’t be better. He’s done a few things that have set me back like messaging me on my birthday (I subsequently spent the whole day in tears) & he sat in a lay by near my house a few weeks ago but I just told him to sod off in no uncertain terms. I avoid going back to the village because it just upsets me/makes me angry but I think that will fade in time. Everyone knows the truth about him now despite him blaming it all on ‘mental Health’ (And me) which has also made me feel a lot better & I care less & less about it every day. I’ve started dating a really nice guy too who has made me realise how wrong my ex was for me in so many ways & I’ve told him everything, I was really worried that I would never be able to trust someone again but it hasn’t affected me (as yet & i’m hoping it stays that way!) I hope the house viewing goes well, moving away was the BEST thing I did. Does he still contact you? Xx
Hi Esta! Things are great thank you!! How’s things with you? I’m all moved in to my perfect new home, I’m surrounded by sheep, horses (my own included) pigs, it’s fabulous! I’m in a much better headspace – I’ve cut off all communication with the ex & I feel so much better for it. The last time I spoke with him he lied again about something & then when I called him out on it his accused ME of being emotionally abusive & that’s what the doctor & mental health advisor have told him (bearing in mind neither know about his addiction!) – that was the last straw for me, after everything I’ve done for him & everything he’s put me through – he had the audacity to come out with that – it kind of just finally made me realise that it was time to walk away for good for my own sanity. He’s back at work & I think is on track with turning things around which is great but I want nothing more to do with someone who nearly destroyed me & doesn’t even see/care what he’s done, he’s just hell bent on pointing the finger at everyone else – I still think he’s in denial to a certain degree because he can’t face the reality of what he’s done. It’s great being away from the village, I still have reminders & bad days where things come up when I have to go back/see certain people but each day that gyets easier. I even joined a dating website for a bit of a confidence boost (My self esteem was on the floor after being repeatedly cheated on AND one being a prostitute) and it’s been a right old laugh! It’s nice to realise that are plenty other people out there that have similar interests to you, that aren’t total sex obsessed idiots & it’s most entertaining! I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone off there but it’s nice to know like there’s a queue of men that would love to take you out & treat you properly & that everything that’s happened wasn’t a reflection on us! I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again but I’m trying not to think too far ahead on that front & just keep taking baby steps to returning to normality. I hope everything is okay with you & things are improving xx
Hi Esta! Things are great thank you!! How’s things with you? I’m all moved in to my perfect new home, there’s no one around for miles apart from the neighbours in the house next door – I’m surrounded by sheep, horses (my own included) pigs, it’s fabulous! I’m in a much better headspace – I’ve cut off all communication with the ex & I feel so much better for it. The last time I spoke with him he lied again about something & then when I called him out on it his accused ME of being emotionally abusive & that’s what the doctor & mental health advisor have told him (bearing in mind neither know about his addiction!) – that was the last straw for me, after everything I’ve done for him & everything he’s put me through – he had the audacity to come out with that – it kind of just finally made me realise that it was time to walk away for good for my own sanity. He’s back at work & I think is on track with turning things around which is great but I want nothing more to do with someone who nearly destroyed me & doesn’t even see/care what he’s done, he’s just hell bent on pointing the finger at everyone else – I still think he’s in denial to a certain degree because he can’t face the reality of what he’s done. It’s great being away from the village, I still have reminders & bad days where things come up when I have to go back/see certain people but each day that gyets easier. I even joined a dating website for a bit of a confidence boost (My self esteem was on the floor after being repeatedly cheated on AND one being a prostitute) and it’s been a right old laugh! It’s nice to realise that are plenty other people out there that have similar interests to you, that aren’t total sex obsessed idiots & it’s most entertaining! I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone off there but it’s nice to know like there’s a queue of men that would love to take you out & treat you properly & that everything that’s happened wasn’t a reflection on us! I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again but I’m trying not to think too far ahead on that front & just keep taking baby steps to returning to normality. I hope everything is okay with you & things are improving xx
Hi Esta! Things are great thank you!! How’s things with you? I’m all moved in to my perfect new home, there’s no one around for miles apart from the neighbours in the house next door – I’m surrounded by sheep, horses (my own included) pigs, it’s fabulous! I’m in a much better headspace – I’ve cut off all communication with the ex & I feel so much better for it. The last time I spoke with him he lied again about something & then when I called him out on it his accused ME of being emotionally abusive & that’s what the doctor & mental health advisor have told him (bearing in mind neither know about his addiction!) – that was the last straw for me, after everything I’ve done for him & everything he’s put me through – he had the audacity to come out with that – it kind of just finally made me realise that it was time to walk away for good for my own sanity. He’s back at work & I think is on track with turning things around which is great but I want nothing more to do with someone who nearly destroyed me & doesn’t even see/care what he’s done, he’s just hell bent on pointing the finger at everyone else – I still think he’s in denial to a certain degree because he can’t face the reality of what he’s done. It’s great being away from the village, I still have reminders & bad days where things come up when I have to go back/see certain people but each day that gets easier. I even joined a dating website for a bit of a confidence boost (My self esteem was on the floor after being repeatedly cheated on AND one being a prostitute) and it’s been a right old laugh! It’s nice to realise that are plenty other people out there that have similar interests to you, that aren’t total sex obsessed idiots & it’s most entertaining! I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone off there but it’s nice to know like there’s a queue of men that would love to take you out & treat you properly & that everything that’s happened wasn’t a reflection on us! I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again but I’m trying not to think too far ahead on that front & just keep taking baby steps to returning to normality. I hope everything is okay with you & things are improving xx
Hi Esta, hope you are well apart from the obvious! I’ve only just seen your last two messages!
Wow, what an update that is on your front but really sounds like the best place for him – that stuff absolutely scrambles their brains so badly & there’s nothing you can do now – or could do in the past – like you say, they play the game, they know the risks – and we become so far down on the priority list compared to the drugs nothing we could say or do will stop them. Hopefully this is your husbands rock bottom & he’ll turn his life around when/if he comes out the other side. It’s so sad & it’s such a waste isn’t it. Stay strong & keep remembering how far you’ve come – it’s hard to try & rebuild your life when they are constantly a lingering thought/worry in the back of your mind but it does & will get easier. Remember – we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it & we can’t cure it – the only thing we can do is rebuild our own broken lives now & let them choose the fate of their own. Things are a bit different on my front – I’m still talking to the ex & I’ve seen him a couple of times – he’s done just over a week clean & seems like a totally different person, He’s back to work in 2 weeks (they will be drug testing him though) & I’m really hoping this is the start of him turning his life around. Some of the things he’s told me that he’s done & the people he’s been involved with just shocks & horrifies me, he still has dealers pestering him & from what I could gather he was doing drug runs for coke at some point. I don’t know what has clicked with him but he’s determined to get his life back. I really hope he does, there’s a good man in there underneath but he’ll never be the same man I fell in love with so I know I can never go back there despite his best efforts. And if I’m honest I still find a lot of his behaviour very manipulative, he will only tell you what he wants to, I can tell he’s still lying about some things & I don’t actually think he’s that sorry for the way he’s treated me at all & how broken I am (the lack of empathy comes from the coke use). He just says it wasn’t the real him & he’s blaming depression & mental health issues (which i believe is true to an extent) but it’s not an excuse for everything he’s done. I find it quite laughable sometimes when he won’t just own what he’s done – I’m sure we’d all love to say ‘it wasn’t the real me so I can’t be held accountable for my actions’ every time we made a mistake but I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that! I think between the heavy drug use, bang to the head with the car accident & subsequent mental health issues he will always struggle in future & he’ll never the man I loved again & I’ve accepted that now. I’m moving out the village at the weekend to my dream home in the middle of nowhere so I’m really excited about that! I can’t bear the thought of running in to one of the girls he’s slept with in the village or his parents/family who he’s made me the scapegoat to. I can’t wait to start the next chapter of rebuilding my life! Keep going, it will get easier xx