[emma123]

Oh god, that must be so hard to have to deal with but stay strong & try to stay focused. It does help when you get the standard ‘f off’ response from them when they hear the words NO & it reminds you of the person you’re actually dealing with now. And getting the phone call from his ‘brotherling’ – like you said in a previous message, another daily reminder of something you do not ever want to go back to. That is not normal life, it’s a hideous dark place that you do not belong in. My situation on that front is slightly different – when I was younger (we’re talking ten years ago) I dabbled with drugs with friends recreationally at festivals, parties etc but as I grew older it became something I started to hate – I’ve seen some people in some hideous states & what it does to people’s lives & It never interested me as I grew up – I actually became quite anti drugs & had no time of day for anyone involved with them. My ex was aware of all this & when I found out about his addiction he said that the only reason he wanted to try it in the first place is because I did it in the past. And that if we’d have bought some Coke together & done it at home together for one night (would NEVER have happened) he would have been happy & not gone down the route he has & ended up an addict! That was really hard to listen to, it’s another thing that had me blaming myself for a long time – because of my past he wanted to do it – but then I thought sensibly about it & it was nothing to do with me, that was his choice – and he didn’t just ‘try’ it like he said he wanted to – he used for over a year & became an addict. It’s his fault, his choices & his life – I gave him the most perfect home life & loved him more than anything – it wasn’t enough & I have to keep reminding myself that I am the victim in all this – not him – I didn’t choose what has happened/done to me – he did. Hope you’re feeling okay today xx

[emma123]

Hi Esta,

Thank you for replying, I actually feel better each time I read one of your messages! I’ve been feeling stronger each day that passes with no contract & feel like the cloud is lifting every day so I can see things for what they really are – now I don’t have all the guilt tripping & worrying with being in contact with him I’m finally starting to put things in to perspective. I know things will inevitably unravel for him & the truth will be out – like you I live in a small village so to begin with when he was spreading all the lies about me I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere & that everyone was judging & blaming me as he was shouting it from the rooftops that he was having a mental breakdown because I’d left him (more tactics to avoid the truth coming out & a LOT of people bought in to it) – but now his actions are speaking louder than his words & the truth is starting to circulate. I suspect he’ll end up in the same situation as your ex & tbh I think that’s the best place for him. I deleted all pictures of him off my social media & blocked him as I do not want to be associated with him & that stuff in any way, shape or form. I too lost 1.5 stone in a month from stress & worry, like you say, the sleepless nights, the constant churning in your stomach & anxiety levels through the roof – and then having to go to work & try to function like a normal person while you’re living in a nightmare & they are high as kites (and in my case having sex with anyone he can). I don’t miss that at all either, his poor parents will have that now & the silly girls he’s been manipulating over the last few months. I’m glad I’ve got to a stage where I can say they are welcome to it!! I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone but it’s so shocking how many people are in the same boat! We can only keep getting stronger & rebuilding our own lives now & hopefully one day this will all just be a distant memory xx

[emma123]

Hey! I’m getting there thank you, I deleted & blocked him off everything a couple of days ago as I was still in contact with him but the lies just kept coming & I had to see the manipulation for what it was – so I’ve been really down again but I know I’ve got to keep moving forward. He’s been sleeping with girls in the village who are buying in to all his nonsense & I just feel so humiliated, embarrassed & like I could run away. Work have started to realise there is something seriously wrong With him (not just depression/all the other random things he keeps coming up with) so it won’t be long till it all unravels, it’s just been so hard when he’s made me the scapegoat for everything & people are still buying his lies while I’m the one left heartbroken & destroyed. I’m hopefully moving away in a couple of months as everything is just a constant reminder of him & I’m still torn between feeling sad for him, angry at him, embarrassed for him, guilty myself, it’s awful. He’s absolutely destroyed my life & mental heath but the only person he is concerned about is himself & that evil white powder. Like you say, it’s so hard knowing you will never really get the closure/answers we so desperately want. I really hope he gets the help he needs but until he is ready to be honest with himself he will be stuck in that black hole forever & I am not willing to get stuck in that with him. I’m so glad you’re feeling better & it’s given me hope that it will keep getting easier. I just want to have hope for the future again & it’s hard to see that at the moment. Like you, all my friends have been shocked & horrified by it all, they have all been brilliant with me but it gets to a point where I feel guilty for going on about it all the time! I just want it to stop consuming my every thought as I beat myself up about that too. Fingers crossed it’s onwards & upwards from here x

[emma123]

Thank you, you were right, I’ve had some awful behaviour to deal with, he’s told everyone I’ve been stalking him, put things on his phone, cheated on him, he’s made me out to be crazy – he even told me he thinks I’ve got bipolar! He became obsessed with recording me in the house – seeing & hearing things on videos & getting really nasty at times (he’s also had women round there overnight as the neighbour grassed him up) Finally leaving the house last weekend was a nightmare in itself, there were tears, tantrums, then he’d disappear out for a line, how I got it done I have no idea. The worry is over there now though & I’m not stressing about a body down there every morning. I don’t think it will take long before alarm bells start ringing at his parents as his use is as bad as ever. He’s declared he’s got mental health issues now (all blamed on me) which is buying him more time at work but I don’t think he can keep things hidden much longer. He’s still in denial & one moment he’s awful, the next he’s telling me he was going to ask me to marry him on Valentine’s Day. Each day I’m trying to get stronger & rebuild my life & stop trying to feel guilty & sad about loosing the man I loved. It was like he died all over again this week. I just hope it gets easier as even though it’s over it still seems to consume my every thought

[emma123]

Sorry for the late reply, had the most horrendous week, finally got the house sorted last weekend which was a nightmare in itself, He had tears, tantrums, coke & cigarette breaks all while I was running around trying to get the last of his things out for the final inspection. This week I have felt like someone has died all over again. I’ve had all the emotional messages to deal with, the ‘I was going to propose On valentines day’ – it’s absolutely smashed me to pieces but I’ve had to stay strong. He’s still very much in denial about the whole thing & his use is as bad as ever, it breaks my heart but I know there is nothing more I can do. I found out about the girls & the prostitutes by going through his phone – his broke after his car accident & was using the spare & the pin was on the box – I had lots of disgusting photos to go through as well as messages to other girls dating back over a year. He looks so desperately I’ll now, it breaks my heart – even now – he’s told everyone I’ve been having an affair, I’ve put spy ware on his phones, I’ve been stalking him, you name it – and I’ve just had to suck it up & keep my head down as he became obsessed with recording me in the house & accusing me of things (hearing & seeing things that weren’t there) & getting really nasty about it. I’m hoping now the house is done his focus will shift & everyone else will be able to see the true extent of it. Hope you are feeeling a bit better since your last message x

[emma123]

My ex convinced himself the neighbours were trying to climb through the airing cupboard, were doing sexual things in their garden shed & the latest is that he thinks I’ve put spyware on his phone – He’s told people I’ve been having an affair, the list goes on. He thinks all his social media/bank accounts keep getting hacked (when in reality it’s him sending all the stuff to people/women – he’s become obsessed with sex & slept with a prostitutes) – it’s heart breaking – I’m the only one that seems to be able to see the scale of it all & his family/friends are just hiding their heads in the sand. I’ve had a phone call from him tonight in tears, it’s utterly heartbreaking but he won’t admit he’s still using, it’s like he thinks there’s another person that’s doing all this stuff & it’s not actually him. The most awful thing is the dealer actually picked him out to do all this – he got him to try it November last year – as he told me at the time when he came home & I was livid but I remember the lads name & where he was from that got him to try it… low & behold that’s now his dealer – he messages him things like ‘tier 4 tonight mate, got the good stuff in, need it gone’ – he just wont leave him alone so he doesn’t stand a chance. He must have spend about 30k in a year on the stuff – he’s worked to hard for what he’s got & now it’s all gone. It’s all just so, so sad. I’m about 5 weeks in to finding everything out, I’ve done so much research & like you, I was just enabling it all so I knew I had to go & give the house up. I’m hoping it gets easier, for both of us!

[emma123]

I could have almost written this word for word myself! I’ve just gone through basically the same thing & it’s the most horrific, helpless, souls destroying thing I have ever experienced. You HAVE to do what is right for you though, you have done everything & more just like I have tried & as hard as it is to walk away, you have to do it for your own sanity. It’s so hard to not feel guilty – even though we did not cause it you feel awful for leaving & I too fear my ex will only end up one way. The fact that these were good, hard working, conscientious men (my ex was my perfect human & most amazing man) That drug has robbed him of everything (and myself in turn). Sadly you have to walk away though, my ex will not accept professional help & is currently blaming me for everything (to anyone that will listen) & going through stages of psychosis/paranoia & denial. It’s so hard to stay strong but we have to. I have to keep reminding myself that isn’t the man I fell in love with anymore, I just have to pray that one day he can fight that demon when he is ready. How I will ever trust again I have no idea. That drug is the devil

[emma123]

Thank you! Needed to read that today, I’ve felt awful, been in tears for most of the day but I know I’ve got to stay strong & all this will pass. It’s the worst emotional rollercoaster, I’ve gone from feeling like my best friend has died, to anger, hurt, upset, embarrassment, shame, Jealousy, you name it – and I miss him, I miss the man he was & our perfect life – but I know this is way bigger than anything I can do & sadly I think rock bottom will only be the way for him & his family to realise the true extent of it. I’m just dreading his next move now until the house is gone, I have all sorts going through my head – where he’s going to move to (& who with), what he’s planning next, what lies he’s telling people & about me – it makes you as crazy as they are! I want to contact him but at the same time I know it’s pointless & I’m trying to keep myself out the picture, he’s already convinced himself I’ve put spyware on his phone (like I’d know where to start!) & I suspect that’s why he’s put the camera in the house – his paranoia is through the roof & I need to keep distancing myself. How people live like this long term I’ll never know, I feel so sad when I read others stories x

[emma123]

Thank you, I really needed to read that this morning. He messaged me tugging on the heartstrings this morning & within an hour he was calling me an effing cu*t & saying you don’t leave someone you love. I know he’s just after a reaction & I never give him one other than saying I’ll be there for him when he gets professional help, he’s desperate for bullets to fire but I have to see the behaviour for what it is. He’s also back at work so I expect on an absolute vile comedown & knows he can’t arouse suspicions at work so is aiming it at me. I can’t wait to be out the picture so he can move on to someone & something else so this nightmare all comes out in the open. I called round to our house this morning (you can imagine the state of it) & he’s now installed a spy ware camera!!! Unbelievable. I just can’t wait for this all to be over & try to get my life back on track. I feel so bad for people who’ve been on this rollercoaster for years, that drug is hell on earth & turns good men in to the devil.

[emma123]

Thank you for your reply & well done on the 4 week mark!!! He was going through stages of remorse & saying he wanted to stop & had become a monster but then he’d just use again the next day, it’s almost like he’s crating his own reality now which bears no resemblance to what’s actually going on & wont talk about the drugs at all, just says he’s stopped & it’s all mental health related (yet won’t do anything about either issue). His parents are very old fashioned & don’t understand it at all, they put him on house arrest for 5 days & thought that magically cured him! – and I know he was still using then when I went round! They just desperately want to believe their son & trying to explain to them that isn’t who they are dealing with any more has just ended up in them basically thinking I’m mad! (Plus my ex is going out of his way to make it look like I am & I’m the awful one & posting horrible things on social media implying I’m the one to blame for the break up) – god only knows what he’s been saying in person. It’s so hurtful when all I’ve ever done is love him & give him everything. It’s so sad how it happened, he was very anti drugs, I think he tried it one night & then a few more times & then started using it as a coping mechanism for stress & it’s snowballed from there – he’s been a functioning addict for about 9 months I think but it’s got to the point now I don’t think he’ll be able to hide it For long when he goes back to work (he’s had 6 weeks off after the car accident & literally went completely off the rails on the coke doing it all day every day) I don’t think he knows what planet he’s on half the time. He won’t leave our rental property either, thank god there’s only two weeks left on lease, today I called in & he had all 4 gas rings on, the oven with a cremated pizza, the house was like a sauna & he was asleep upstairs with his pants round his ankles & mobile in his hand. It’s painful to see but there’s no point in telling his parents as they just believe whatever he tells them

[emma123]

Thank you for your message! Deep down I know I’m doing the right thing – and the best thing for him but it’s so hard when you feel like everyone is against you when they don’t understand or acknowledge the true scale of things. I feel guilty that I only gave it two weeks after finding out but it was long enough to realise he had no intention of changing & his supposed efforts were just lies & manipulation (plus I could then understand & make sense of the last 12 months of all his bizzare behaviour) – if he could have stopped on his own like he claims – he would have done so already. Thank god I’m a very strong & independent person with a great support network because I don’t know how I would cope – I’m in bits as it is – it was all such a shock but then at then same time a relief – it now all makes sense. At least I just had to get rid of the house & there’s no marriage or kids involved- I can imagine that makes things 10000 times worse. I hope you’re okay yourself & I’m always happy to talk if you need someone who understands- it’s supersizing how many of us there are out there & how many lives that evil drug has devastated. The same goes to you – you need to think of yourself & your own health & happiness – we only get one life – my ex has ruined his & I won’t let him take me down with him no matter how much I love him. It was great to hear from Danman & hear things from the other side – gives you a really good insight & it’s lovely of him to try & help us all x

[emma123]

Well done*

[emma123]

Thank you for your reply & well don’t on the 4 week mark! He was going through stages of remorse & saying he wanted to stop & had become a monster but then he’d just use again the next day, it’s almost like he’s crating his own reality now which bears no resemblance to what’s actually going on & wont talk about the drugs at all, just says he’s stopped & it’s all mental health related (yet won’t do anything about either issue). His parents are very old fashioned & don’t understand it at all, they put him on house arrest for 5 days & thought that magically cured him! – and I know he was still using then when I went round! They just desperately want to believe their son & trying to explain to them that isn’t who they are dealing with any more has just ended up in them basically thinking I’m mad! (Plus my ex is going out of his way to make it look like I am & I’m the awful one & posting horrible things on social media implying I’m the one to blame for the break up) – god only knows what he’s been saying in person. It’s so hurtful when all I’ve ever done is love him & give him everything. It’s so sad how it happened, he was very anti drugs, I think he tried it one night & then a few more times & then started using it as a coping mechanism for stress & it’s snowballed from there – he’s been a functioning addict for about 9 months I think but it’s got to the point now I don’t think he’ll be able to hide it For long when he goes back to work (he’s had 6 weeks off after the car accident & literally went completely off the rails on the coke doing it all day every day) I don’t think he knows what planet he’s on half the time. He won’t leave our rental property either, thank god there’s only two weeks left on lease, today I called in & he had all 4 gas rings on, the oven with a cremated pizza, the house was like a sauna & he was asleep upstairs with his pants round his ankles & mobile in his hand. It’s painful to see but there’s no point in telling his parents as they just believe whatever he tells them

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