[endofmyteather]

This is my first message on here, and probably the first day when I have realised that I don’t think I can ever help my son. He’s 20 in December and has smoked cannabis since he was 16. Like all of you I have had to watch my little boy, turn from a talented, intelligent, happy kid to a complete mess. I have done the fatal thing and let it go on, hoping that it would get better. When he left collage 2 years ago, I gave him a job with me until he found a job that he wanted, and decided what carrier path he wanted to take. He lived with me, my husband (not his dad) and my younger son. He had money, a roof over his head, didn’t have to pay anything towards his keep as his wage was low, food, and our love and support. In the evening he would also go out, always to pick up weed, and god knows what else, and he would come back stoned pretty much every night. At weekends he would stay a with friends, so I have no idea what he used to get up to there…no good I assume. it was pot luck each morning, as to what mood he would wake up in, or if he would get up at all…the stress was enormous, worrying and literally begging him to get up. I never knew how he would react, but as time went on the moods were more angry, with throwing stuff, shouting and door slamming. At times I would be in tears trying to pussy foot around him, just to get him to work. He wouldn’t speak to me on those days…just grunt answers to me, sitting, hiding under his hoodie, half asleep. Some days he would be fine, and I would see my son up happy, joking, smiling…which was a joy to see. The issue was, he kept taking the weed. I am so scared that he will get caught by the police, so I allowed him to smoke a joint in the garden but he was not allowed to have friends round to do the same. It soon became apparent that he was smoking weed every day, I have no idea how many, but I would guess at least 3 joints a day. Some weed would just knock him out, other types would stink the house out and make him really aggressive. I tried to talk to him, to make him understand that he was harming himself, but he sees no wrong in it. He is insistent that there is a government conspiracy to keep cannabis illegal, that it cures cancer, and even made me watch a show telling me that it was totally safe. I remember thinking…what the hell is going on in his mind? He was always skint, borrowing money, getting aggressive and moody when he had no money ….making our lives hell. It was getting unbearable, my husband and I started arguing about it, because he couldn’t understand why I was being so protective . In my mind I was trying to keep some normality in his life, by making him go to work, giving him a roof over his head, hot meals etcetc. I was also beginning to get very stressed, laying in bed until God knows what time, waiting for my son to open the front door, only then did I know he was safe for a few hours, but still dreading the fact that I had to try and wake him in the morning. The worry was/ is overwhelming and I felt/ feel totally alone. About 2 months ago, my son decided he wanted to go and live with his friends. They have a house about 20 miles from us. We moved all his stuff, and he said that he would be working in the local pub, where his friends work too. He seemed to be doing ok, but this last 2 weeks, he has started and left the job, walking out when it got busy, and getting sacked, because he was ill and had a row with the boss. He came home for a night and is really sick. He said he doesn’t know what he wants and the only thing that makes him happy is weed. I was so shocked when I saw him. He looks dreadful..it broke my heart. I am ready to have him back home, but my husband said no and I am caught in the middle. I called Frank, and they said that he needs to realise himself that his life is back because of his habit, that he’s I’ll because of his habit, that he’s sick because of his habit. He is talking suicide now….twice in one week, he’s fallen out with his friends, lost his job and has no money. He came home another night….was really rude, just walked in, went to his room and slept. The next day, I came home fro work and he was still here, we spoke about him staying, he said no, went into town, came back smelling of weed, then left to go back to his new house. It’s so hard, I don’t know what to do….take him back and risk my marriage, knowing full well that my son is an adict, but is not prepared to help himself, or turn my back on him…..which I don’t know if I can… I am at the end of my teacher with worry, stress and the fear that my son will never know a good life because he can’t see further than his next joint.

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