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Because you are her crutch
Give it time you will start to separate your feelings I promise
I
I think you have covered them all
Hope you are okay
Once the trust is broken in any relationship it’s over
With an addict it’s impossible because in the end there is no truth or trust
Danman is himself on his own journey
He has relapsed and admits it’s a life long journey
I applaud him facing it and talking about the addiction from a Users point of view
Even he says talking about it can be a trigger
He has recently relapsed and separated from his family heartbreaking
Any LIFT can trigger it
Alcohol – Red bull is another
rarely do they do just coke
Tramadol, pregabalin are favourites – they apparently take the edge off and they are as easy to get hold of as smarties which is how most people take them – by the handful
Don’t be fooled or shocked by the depths of addiction because if you dig deep enough you will discover the truth
I put a tracker on my husbands van and watched him cross crossing the town with a dealer – I spoke to him on the phone and he told me he was on the scaffold at work and he sounded so plausible all the I love you can’t wait to see you later etc
This went on for weeks it hurts but that’s what happens they live a secret life they have to lie – but again that’s a choice they make
Even going to score is part of the ritual
Watching a film with drug use in
Smells
Clothes they were wearing
Going past a road
Money/ a cash point they used to draw out scoring cash
Music
People
It can be the tiniest thing
There are so MANY tiny little triggers
It’s impossible to eliminate them all
If you have been up for hours and hours and mix in the strain your body is in from the high you are beyond knackered part of you begging for sleep but if someone put a bag in front of you you could not resist It would be the automatic choice above anything or anybody or any commitment/birthday/anniversary
They choose the drug over you every time EVERYTIME
No matter what damage it will cause
It’s not personal – it’s addiction – it’s not as simple as saying stop
Extinction in the brain takes a LONG time and I don’t think it ever goes
I have spoken to many addicts and no matter how bad some of their lives have become it becomes who they are
Some people are lawyers and spend their days in an office
Some people spend all night doing drugs and all day sleeping/seeking them
There is a community and a network they become part of
I have friends who are essentially homeless Sofa surf
I have another friend who is a bricky who after twenty years of being a functioning addict has now had a complete breakdown can’t leave the house
My brother in law had his own home/ business but got into coke and then heroin (started smoking it for the comedown and it became lead drug) started drinking to numb the comedowns died age 39 homeless
He denied all the time right to the end that he had a problem – he had it under control
People class my brother in law as the Stereotype drug addict
That’s why so many of us partners get confused when out partners function at some level
My husband hid his coke addiction and because he worked/functioned looked normal from every angle I had no suspicion or idea
Literally no idea – and I suppose because his brother was off the scale I never thought he would go that way Or destroy us and our life but he did because he is an addict and that is who he is and has been for twenty years
We HAD the most amazing life and Future together it’s so hard to accept that he put drugs before this again and again
But he did – it got completely out of control and he has been sectioned and is wandering around asking the doctors for coke – not how his family is – just for drugs that is his primary need and concern
I chose to break free and remember who I was and live again
I don’t have to lie or pretend anymore
I don’t go without because all the money is gone from the accounts
I am absolutely in love with life and no one is going to control or darken my life again
It has taken me nearly nine months to make sense of what was going on and come to terms with it and begin to move on
Some days I have been crippled with grief but they do get shorter and i snap out of them by then remembering something awful that happened
We all want our stories to be different
Our husband to be the one who chooses us over the drug for
That our love/relationship is stronger than the addiction
But it’s a romantic daydream
The reality is a living nightmare that will go on until we wake up and decide to retake control
Coke is certainly not a joke
Coke can imprison the addict and their loved ones emotionally and financially
It’s basically how much you are willing to take and give away
And if you think you can see a future then stay but after ten years with no change yet you have to expect that it won’t ?
If you are prepared to spend another ten years waiting for change that is your choice to make
My husband was a chronic coke user/addict and so were ALL his friends
I do not use coke and NONE of my friends are addicts
My husband tried to get me to use lots of times but I couldn’t see the fun or the point
He lied everyday and I genuinely thought he was telling the truth but it was just manipulation
That’s why I left
I couldn’t stand the disappearing/ turning off phone/begging forgiveness
The endless cycle of picking up the pieces
I didn’t want to hand my wages to a dealer
I didn’t have any compulsion to use coke or hang round with people off their faces
He used for 20 years and it came before, our marriage our children our home
He would spend every penny he had on drugs and had not one bit of remorse that I stood in line at the food bank whilst he smoked £200 to £400
One thing ruled his head – drugs
he would tell me I was the love of his life
He couldn’t live without me
He would kill himself if I left him
This was the last time he would use
I am going to sort myself out
He hated the crap and would never touch it again
Now he is on a psych ward still begging for coke off the doctors
The staff all thought I used because of association that made me feel so embarrassed and was just another validation that I has made the Right decision. I don’t want me or my children tarnished with any association to drugs and I don’t want them growing up tainted or thinking it’s normal or okay
So no coke is not funny it’s a very dangerous game to play
It destroys everything
Great response
So true
It’s so complex but strangely so simple
You are asking him to make promises that you want – not what he wants
You can’t control him
Coke controls him
You say – don’t use or it’s over
He uses – the you argue and stay….
He won’t stop
You either stay and accept the coke
Or you stick to your guns and move out and have a healthy happy life
Addiction is life long – it never goes away
Literally he will tell you what you want to hear
We have all been there it’s horrendous
You are the love of my life
I can’t live without you
I Promise I won’t let you down again
I swear to you I will never ever touch that crap again
It’s endless
But it always gets broken and you will be left feeling betrayed and let down
Their is no romantic happy ending just the endless cycle of trying to catch him out and being suspicious and driving yourself insane
Make the choice for a good life
I know you are really hurting right now
It’s overwhelming and so confusing
But it will get better
you won’t get the answers you are looking for but you can make the best decision for yourself
Let it all go and let yourself live again x
It’s so normal and anyone who has lived with an addict will recognise and remember that dreadful manipulative behaviour
They reverse it on you totally so the problem is you; not their behaviour
Everyone does it – it’s not a problem -lighten up – I’m not addicted – I can take it or leave it – just one last time