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It’s too early to say for me, as it’s only been a few months, but it’s not the same by any means yet. Every minute of every day im fighting the urge not to break down and scream with how much I’m hurting, then looking at him knowing he caused it. Definitely a long road to forgiveness!
I find I’m triggered a lot when I look at his nose and hands. It’s very offputting.
Hopefully I’ll feel differently one day…
Yes! Only the addict can sort themselves out, we’re just the cannon fodder that gets hurt in their path.
We need to focus on ourselves and not make them the focus. My husband is 208 days clean now after 2.5 years of putting drugs before me and our family (assuming anything he says is true!) and the longer the clean time goes the less i feel like congratulating him… why should he get a pat on the head for not carrying on acting like a crazed psychopath!? Me and our kids deserve the medal for surviving these years but we’re all still suffering the consequences.
I have after almost 7 months of pondering realised it’s the behaviour NOT the drugs. Him taking cocaine was just a small part of the problems. As I’ve told him recently … you’ve been suffering from chronic selfishness all your life! That’s how he told himself it would be fine to casually destroy our lives, when he knew full well that taking class a drugs around the kids was completely inappropriate. He worked very hard to get to the point of losing control of his drug habit.
Like you jorad, we have 4 kids, nice house, lovely life and everything going for us but he chucked all that under the bus quite deliberately.
We’re still together and soldiering on, but the stress of his behaviour and the shock of it all has made me very, very mentally hurt. I’m not myself any more and i hate that person who allowed him to get away with it for so long. I had no clue and i feel so stupid and angry with myself. Yes, obviously not my fault but you lokk back and think if only this, if only I’d done that.
Unfortunately, you can’t go back and we just have to deal with our side of the fallout.
On we go…
thank you esta xxx
☺☺☺ sums it up tragically well xx
I’m deeply sympathetic for those souls trapped in the addiction cycle, but we need to save ourselves first, lovingly supporting them from afar is sometimes the only way to keep ourselves afloat xx
The Scorpion and the Frog fable says it all:
A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, they would both drown. Considering this, the frog agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When the frog asks the scorpion why, the scorpion replies that it was in its nature to do so.
Esta is bang on about trust. 18 years of us so called being honest and it turns out he lied for at least 2.5 of them. Now the only thing is can believe is that he’s been on drugs, has now (probably) stopped and is definitely sorry, ashamed and regretful.
But…. i don’t believe for one second i know what’s really been going on. There’s a massive cloud of horrible mystery above our heads.. was it *only* coke, when/where/why/what he was doing when he was on it (most days for the best part of 28 months)? I don’t trust him and i don’t even trust me any more. My judgement has failed me completely.
We’re sticking it out as best we can…no promises from me other than you relapse, you’re gone and i can’t guarantee our marriage will survive.
I don’t want to lose our dreams or ruin the kids lives, but that first day he chose drugs over us HE threw it away. We’re just scrabbling through the wreckage now.
He’s 163 days clean now and i don’t feel like congratulating him, i feel like slapping him… he shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
They use us and abuse us, and leave us feeling as if we’re the ones with the problem.
I get that for many drugs are a way of surviving horrible life experiences, but my husband has led a charmed life whereas I’ve been through more crap than not. Yet… he’s the one who turned to drugs. In ca they quickly learn it’s them being selfish that causes their addiction. And it’s true. They don’t give a damn for the consequences or who they hurt. He worked hard at his addiction before he lost control, i worked hard at pickings up the pieces.
We’re all here just hoping that our loved ones don’t relapse, but it’s in their nature. It’s almost just a matter of time.
I hate my new life of ptsd, depression and anxiety. But… I’m taking control gradually and im damned if I’ll be pushed around anymore.
I’m dreading the relapse but in some ways it would be easier than sitting here playing Russian Roulette with my heart.
All love to my fellow sufferers xx
…ooops … sausage fingers!!! Was saying it all starts with a choice and they have to work damned hard to get to the point where they have given their choices away.
The truth is that once they’ve gone down this road there’s not much turning back, even for those who want to stay clean. It’s a chronic and relapsing disease.
Now, almost six months since my husband got caught and joined CA im still stuck wondering if today will be the day, what if i say the wrong thing, etc etc.
My mental health is in tatters. I’m severely depressed and anxious, plus i have developed severe complex ptsd.
I’m sorry for the dismal reply but the reality is that us partners have been put in the most horrific position and i don’t believe there are many fairytale endings. If it wasn’t for our kids I’d be long gone. I don’t want a life with this awful stuff hanging over me every second.
My husband concealed what he was doing for 2.5 years. I thought he was an alcoholic. He has used all around me and our kids. He terrorised me for 18 months as the problem spiralled.
Don’t get me wrong…im proud of what he’s doing etc etc… but he shouldn’t need a pat on the back for not being a totally vile person. He could have sought help long before he got caught and expected me to help him dig himself out of this hole he put himself in.
So… the dreary takeaway from this is… we the sane ones need to look after ourselves very deeply and carefully. There is a long and difficult road ahead of us and frankly, if there is any possible alternative to this painful road then we should never feel guilty for putting ourselves and our children first.
Sorry for the miserable tone here.
Hi Everyone,
I struggle to come on here at the moment because facing up to my own position is still just too painful, even though we’re 157 days clean (woo-hoo….157 days since the last time my husband put drugs in front of his family and somehow I’m meant to celebrate!).
I can only echo what others have said… they will lie, cheat and do whatever they can to pretend to themselves they’re not doing anything wrong. I appreciate addiction may sneak up on them but in my mind and for all the conversations my husband and i jabe
Hi Needing Strength,
I just wanted to say that i read your post and felt the utmost sympathy for you and your children. What a horrifying situation you have found yourself in.
It sounds like your husband is very, very deep in the illness of addiction. Especially tampering with your child’s medication.
You are very brave to have got out and i hope you have the support of family and friends through this.
I am fortunate in that my husband wanted out and is determined to get better. However at his worst last year he tells me there were times he thought he was going to die from it and the feeling that one of our kids could have walked in on him passed out or worse is utterly terrifying.
I’m so sorry xx
I’m really glad you went to the meeting and might have a chance of him getting better now. This is really great news.
The first part of all of this is accepting that they are an addict. They cannot control their use of this stuff. My husband was still in denial for the first week or so but he’s 4 weeks clean today and already is like a different person. He is like the man i fell in love with.
The first few days the guys from cauk were all ringing him and texting him loads to help him get on the right track. Now he’s almost finished step one and is going to help the new starters find their feet.
Good luck to both of you. xx
Ah I’m so sorry, you really are living my worst nightmare. So sorry ????
I will say this though.. you will get through this somehow, being on your own with kids is very daunting at first but once you get used to having your own security and independence you might just find you like it a lot better than being stuck with someone unreliable.
I hope you’re getting plenty of support from family and friends as this really does take a massive toll on our mental and physical health.
As for him, hopefully one day something will suddenly click inside his brain and he will be forced to confront his behaviour. Until that point he’s just a shell of himself.
Be kind to yourself xx
To cut a long story short we’ve been together 17 years and he’s always had a bit of a temper and won’t let things go. We split up over it many years ago but we got past it all and ended up married and two more kids. We’ve always been super close and though his temper has been an issue at times we’ve always got through stuff and had a lot of very good times. In the years leading up to this problem we had some really hard and stressful times including moving house. It was not long after that we went away to a music event and he brought some coke along, i was pretty happy as i never had an issue with it. Unfortunately what i didn’t know was he put some aside for himself which was how his problems really escalated. So… the following year we went out loads, did the usual stuff but his moods were slipping. It was supposed to be the time of our lives but he was getting more and more annoyed about less and less. Accusing me of stupid stuff. I took him to a massive festival in Holland for his 40th… and after that things just tanked. He wasn’t looking at me the same. Always shouting about some crap. Moaning about tea/kids not being in bed etc etc etc. Punching walls. Pushing me round. Throwing stuff. I just thought he was tired old and miserable. Hitting the bottle too hard. By the time lockdown started last year it was getting seriously out of hand.. he wasn’t even making sense when off on one. The house was getting wrecked and the kids and i were living on eggshells as every weekend it would all kick off when he had a drink. He even smashed up the oven one night. I threatened him with the police most weekends. In the week he wasn’t much better. He was either creeping round me or ignoring me. Then it would be a case of let’s have a nice weekend this time… and then him going psycho. Sometimes he’d even drag me out of bed when i was sleeping. I gave him an ultimatum and made moves on how to get him out as my nerves were in shreds by the end of the summer. I was going to get my grown up daughter to move home so i could afford to keep the kids in their home.
But then he calmed down and over Xmas we did sort it out a bit. But still always avoiding coming to sit with me or eat dinner. Waiting for ages for him to come up to bed. Acting like an idiot at the family meals.
So bloody obvious now looking back….it all was building up as his mood was dropping and then when he was hitting it hard he was out of his mind, either on it or on some horrible guilt ridden comedown. He drank so much gin because for him the coke made him thirsty. I knew how much he was drinking and i just assumed it was that. I also knew he was sneaking around up to something but it never crossed my mind he would do that stuff around the house or kids.
Anyway yes… recovery is going well and hopefully never again…. i will never miss the signs again that’s for sure. He didn’t even look me in the eye for 2 years but he does now and it’s amazing.
Aw im not better than you, maybe just luckier because my husband genuinely wanted out.
It’s also self-preservation… he gets better, life gets back to normal and our future plans might still happen. If he can’t get better, or we can’t work our marriage out then it’s very sad.
I think he can do this and it’s worth being brave enough to let him try. Plus I’m not alone. I have family and friends supporting me. And anti-depressants, and counselling.
If he wasn’t willing then it would be a different story. If we lose this house and have to wreck the kids life i go it alone.
I just wanted to clarify i wasn’t condoning substance abuse during meetings, my husband’s sponsor wasn’t ready and willing at that point. He continued his path until everything did cave in and at that point he realised he had to stop and do it properly this time. And I’m glad he did for my husband’s sake. He’s an amazing sponsor.
A lot of people get told to clean up but aren’t ready and willling to change. They might go to a meeting to see if things will blow over, then carry on.
It might take many attempts but they have to hit a rock bottom before they can go back up again.
Sal98 i completely understand your reasoning too. When i found out in some ways i felt that i should automatically kick my husband out. But thinking rationally if he wanted to get better and has our shared dreams as a goal it gives him something to strive for. When it all came out i made him go talk to his parents (partly bc i couldn’t handle being around him then) and he broke down to the ground that he had let me down, and the kids and deserved to be thrown in the gutter.
Yes, he has let me down but he’s only human and it all got out if hand. The drugs played tricks on his brain. He can put it right. His recovery comes first and everything else will fall into place.
It’s still very early days but so far, so good.
Good luck this evening. It sounds like your boyfriend needs a lot more support to keep him on track.
It’s very common for addicts to not stop straight away. My husband’s sponsor used to nip out of his early meetings to carry on using, but eventually he lost everything and finally got serious about it.
Now he is clean, got his family back and is helping my husband.
My husband says a lot of people join but struggle with the higher power or are just not ready. I am so glad mine is taking it seriously though.
I heard that the higher power cam be anything from nature to a penguin or tree. It’s not about god but you have to give 100% to make it work.