Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Your story is so similar to my husband. He never ran up debt luckily as it was cash that him and his business partner ended up with. More cash, more cocaine, more misery for us at home, unaware of what was happening.
We used to use some drugs together recreationally at music events (never separately or at home/around the kids) then for some reason 2.5 years ago he put aside some cocaine and from then on it spiralled completely out of control.
He terrorised me last year bc of it and came close to overdose as he was drinking a lot of gin too. I knew something was wrong as he was being so weird and sneaky, but i trusted him and never thought for a minute he would have got into such a mess.
He wanted to stop, he tried but he couldn’t do it. And then felt worse than ever.
He’s glad to be out of it and i hope he continues this recovery as any other outcome will be devastating for all of us around him.
His dealer messaged hin yesterday as he hadn’t been in touch for a while, and rather than falling for it all ocer again he showed me the message instead and told his sponsor on the gratitude list he does every morning. He sends it to me too ????
Massive progress!
Thank you cauk
Yes, they can definitely get better and so can we! But we all need support and they have to really want to change. And they need proper support.
My husband is 27 days clean, the longest ever apparently since the nightmare began. He seems like a different person, the one i married.
I thank cauk for how they are supporting him as they truly understand the misery and can say things and make him listen in a way that i couldn’t. He does several meetings a week and is on step 1 (of 12) which is Honesty.
It’s really made him rethink his whole attitude to life.
I’m suffering obviously but the least bad outcome from all this is he gets better, doesn’t lose his business and fulfils all the promises he has made to me.
Each day i feel slightly less hopeless.
i am in a very similar position to you as my husband got caught out by his business partner buying coke. It’s completely destroyed me as he’s been on it 2.5 years behind my back. He’s been horrible on it and basically terrorised me last year to the point i wished i was dead.
However when it came out the sat after valentines day i asked him if he wanted to get clean, he said he did and so i contacted CAUK. They are amazing. There is a helpline number you can call on their web page.
My husband came within a hair’s breadth if losing everything but he is taking his chance and getting better. Our lives are all in his hands. Without CA he wouldn’t manage. He was still in denial for the first week or so, but gradually he is realising what harm he has caused.
Luckily he hasn’t built debts but without his income we will lose our house and he will be on his own.
If your husband wants to get clean he will need help because he is under the spell of addiction. I also made my husband tell close friends and family, and i confided in a few people too. He wasn’t too happy at first but put him straight that i can’t do this alone and there have already been too many secrets.
It’s a horrible and surreal time. I basically went into a prolongued shock when he told me, I’m now on a lot of medication to allow me to function and starting counselling in the next week or so.
omg the damned man cave grrrr…. yep!!!!! i hate that room now, and he also told me in that room too…as it’s out of the way from the main house!!!! i knew he was sneaking around and even tried catching him out, but i just thought maybe he was watching blue movies and hitting the gin. His temper was so insane it was best to steer clear of him last year.
One thing that i have found helps is trying (difficult though it is) to be objective. For one thing i try to view the problems he has got as i would towards any other human, not the husband who has let me down and broken my heart. The other thing to keep to the front of your mind is that they are in the grip of a very powerful addiction which is completely dominating their every thought. It’s not personal no matter what they say or do. It’s not really even them talking to you because their body and mind is completely hijacked by this stuff.
I told my husband as far as I’m concerned he completely lost the plot that first time he sneaked off behind my back (we’ve used drugs together recreationally in the past at music events but promised it was always both of us or neither of us). He went temporarily insane. He knew the risks and he knew what he was getting into. But that selfish little addiction voice in his head tricked him into believing he was entitled to do the drugs. The more he did it, the more guilt and the voice got louder too. He apparently nearly overdosed in his man cave on more than one occasion. But still the addiction made him carry on.
Imagine that… being so caught up in your own insanity that your wife or kids could have come down snd discovered you dead…yet still carrying on.
In your position I’d cut ties completely and just tell the kids daddy is too poorly to speak at the moment. He needs to hit his own proper bottom before he will realise.
xxx
ugh it took out the link.. search for we separated when he relapsed from Stephen hilton and laura clery xx
i am so sorry to say it but i think he is so far down the line that he will only at this point drag you and the kids down too. I’m so sorry.
As i have learned over thr past few weeks the family is addicted just as much as the actual addict. And we can’t control their addiction any more than they can. All we can do is focus on our own personal journey and protect ourselves. One day the people we love may choose for themselves to get better, but until then they will carry on the path of self destruction.
In cauk etc they will learn that addiction is a disease. It is a terminal disease with no known cure. The addict will continue to the death unless they can free themselves under the 12 step program of recovery. The first thing they will realise is that the substance addiction is a form of selfishness which they have put before everyone and everything else. In my husband’s case he has suddenly at age 41 realised his whole life he has put himself first. Long before he got addicted to cocaine. He’s done some very selfish things over the years to me and others. It’s always been him, him, him!
Now he has done this most selfish thing of all and absolutely devastated us all and he is completely shocked.. . he finally realised it’s not all about him and he is not the only person in the world.
I’ve unknowingly been enabling his bad behaviour but now i know, I’m not doing it any more.
His mess, his problem. He sorts it or we’re off!!!! But thankfully he was far enough down the line to have started to hate the life he was living but no so far he couldn’t get out. He didn’t see a way out til he got caught. 2.5 years of lying to my face. Looking back the signs were obvious really, but silly me i trusted him.
He has one chance from me to do this and put things right. Same from his business partner. I see he is glad to be out and spending time with the kids. Whereas before he was in bed all day or at work.
It’s been the worst experience of my life and I’m on a lot of meds now and getting counselling urgently.
Sending love and strength your way xxx
Sorry my reply played up as our internet is rubbish!
I don’t know what else to suggest. If he wants to get clean being around people on it won’t help. And he won’t manage it on his own. It will be hard enough with the help of cauk.
I hope you can find a way through this but if he won’t choose to get better then you might have to consider whether the life of chaos is for you.
It’s a horrible feeling and i would not wish this pain on anyone.
Unfortunately their recovery is up to them. I was lucky as my husband wanted out although he was still in denial. After about a week it started to dawn on him. There are lots who come and go. It’s only when they hit rock bottom that they start to realise it’s down to them.
Do other family members know, or friends? I told close family and a couple of friends immediately and forced him to go talk to his parents. I think that helped him get his act together.
Unfortunately their recovery is up to them. I was lucky as my husband wanted out although he was still in denial. After about a week it started to dawn on him. There are lots who come and go. It’s only when they hit rock bottom that they start to realise it’s down to them.
Do other family members know, or friends? I told close family and a couple of friends immediately and forced him to go talk to his parents. I think that helped him get his act together.
They certainly do have meetings very frequently indeed. They are an absolute godsend!
My husband was advised for the first meeting just join the zoom but camera off and just listen in. He was shocked really, like many addicts he didn’t imagine he was anywhere near as bad as the others. But they always say YET…. he didn’t YET lose everything and my husband has come within a hair’s breadth.
I told him straight… he either sorts the mess out or i sort myself andctge kids, and he is on his own. And i meant/mean it…. we lose the house that’s it! I’ll never stop loving him, or turn my back but i won’t go round the merry-go-round, not with the kids. This is as awful as it gets and it’s been hell.
I would suggest you ring the main number on the website and have a chat. If he really wants to get help they will call him and get it started.
My husband does a face to face on Thursdays and on friday he did his first proper share. I happened to overhear and though it was hard hearing i was also very proud.
He is 26 days clean and apparently that’s the longest since this whole nightmare began.
Without ca we would have rowed constantly and he would have been back on it by now and maybe lost everything. He is the breadwinner so no job, no house… no family.
They really are amazing.
i should also say that the extent of knowledge of addiction is Peter from coronation street, watching Jeremy kyle and having known a few people in the past who have gone off the rails. The past few weeks have been one heck of an eye opener!
I purely found cauk through chance of timing. I was given the awful news on a Saturday and so the gp was closed. I looked on nhs and saw various groups then asked him if he wanted to quit. He said he definitely wants out so i said i think the way forward is through meetings and support groups. To be honest at that point he was still in damage limitation mode. Anyway i found there was an online meeting the Sunday but i didn’t know if he could just show up. Then i saw a number you can call, an amazing guy answered and basically called me back a little while later, then called my husband. He got someone with a similar story to talk to him that night. This is now his sponsor and he is in meetings several times a week plus continuous contact with everyone to help him get started on track. Again, it has to come from within but these people truly understand from the inside what the addiction is like and he wouldn’t have even come this far without them.
Hello
As above i too am in a very similar position. About 2 years ago my marriage started going on to the rocks and the way my husband looked at me and the kids changed. He became heartless. Last year throughout lockdown he basically terrorised me every weekend to the point i threatened him with the police many times. I began steps to get him out of the family home and issued an ultimatum. Towards the end of last year he calmed down and we began patching up our relationship and over Christmas we agreed to stay together as things were not as crazy, though he still quite aloof and unpredictable. Just over 3 weeks ago he dropped the bombshell that he has been on cocaine for 2.5 years. His business partner had found out. I was so shocked i have basically had a breakdown and am now on some hefty medication. On the first day o put him on to cauk. So far i can’t thank them enough because the substance addiction is only a small part of the problem. With their support he is already changing for the better and i see a shadow lifted.
He is facing up to the harm he has caused and wants his life back instead of that horrible, sneaky lonely lifestyle he has been living. And putting us all through hell too. We have lived on eggshells here for many months and it is very, very hard to get to grips with all that has happened.
I have started to gain confidence in his recovery although i know it’s early days. I won’t however allow us to be dragged back and forth. This is his chance and i hope he takes it with both hands and does not let go.
I do see that he is glad to have his life back instead of constantly having that stuff hijacking his every thought. It’s something only they can achieve from within.