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Hi bexdean,
I am on the opposite side of what you describe. My husband and i have often used drugs recreationally in the past and always promised we would only ever do them together.
Just over 2 years ago my husband put aside some coke for himself. Since that time his usage increased and our relationship fell apart. At his worst he terrorised me last year. But i still had no idea what he was doing. I knew something was up but it never occurred to me he would betray me in such a horrible way. The truth came out three weeks ago and frankly I’ve had what they would have called a nervous breakdown in the old days.
He is getting past the addiction and im on some serious medication myself now for the shock. This is our chance to save the marriage.
What im getting at us the secrecy and lies are what killed me, not the drug use so much. Though the facts surrounding how much he was doing and where/when are awful too.
I strongly recommend you speak to your partner about how you’re feeling before you get in any deeper.
Good luck xx
Sadly it does not sound like he is ready to get better. Has he told his ca people that he is using again?
I don’t know what i would do if my husband started up again, i think it would have to be game over because he would definitely have to leave his business and therefore we would lose our house. And i certainly won’t be able to bail him out..i would have to prioritise my kids and myself.
He has this chance and he is glad to be out of it.
My husband says he got stuck in a rut and couldn’t see a way out. He was ashamed of what he was doing and kept telling himself that it would be the last time, but then found himself getting more.
Now it came out he is out of the rut and has completely changed his patterns and routines so that he isn’t on the same pathways that directed him to using. Like he comes home and cooks us dinner, instead of sitting in work doing it and rather than hiding away in his room at home where he was mostly on it, he comes upstairs and talks to us instead.
The whole thing is a pattern of behaviour that needs to change, not just the substance use.
Does your boyfriend know how much he is hurting you? That stuff does make them heartless though. If he won’t get off it then you’re going to have a road to heartbreak.
So many of us going through all this it seems xx
Hi Ash,
Thank you for your reply. Last week was i was really falling apart with everything and i spoke to the doctor. He put me on anti-depressants and temporality on to diazepam. I feel a bit more human this week. Partly because of the medicine and partly because I’m witnessing one hell of a change in my husband over the past two weeks. He really does seem to want to get better and now that he told me everything i can see how much he too was suffering in his horrible lonely world.
Last year on Mother’s Day he got angry the night before and stayed up late drinking and doing that stuff. He stayed in bed til 4pm and then ignored me, then argued with me in the evening. No card, no flowers and he did not even say Happy Mother’s Day. He broke my heart and i was so ashamed of him i didn’t even tell anyone until this all came out.
This year however… he got up early, went out and bought us all breakfast rolls, did some work on his car with our son (who has also been ignored bc of the addiction), then took all the kids shopping to buy nice gifts. Like he used to do before this happened.
Also, during his active using he has been so heartless if i have been sad, but since it all came out and he has seen how hurt and upset i am he has been comforting me like a husband is meant to. It has been a shock for him to see the damage he has done but it is an important part for him to accept this and put things right.
He has promised he will never let me down again or lie to me, and I’m really starting to believe it. I know it’s still such early days but there is hope.
I have just read through all these stories and my heart is flying out through my chest. I found out 3 weekends ago that my husband has been doing cocaine in secret for the past 2 1/2 years.
We have been together 17 years and married 13. We have 4 kids and 2 granddaughters. I thought we shared everything. We met through the underground music scene and have used cocaine recreationally, as well as other typical dance drugs. We never went mad on it though because of kids/work etc. Though i know he hit it hard sometimes before we met when he was in a rougher crowd. We always promised never at home, never around the kids and always together.
Unknown to me in Autumn 2018 he bought extra coke and put aside. He started a bit at a time at weekends late evenings. Over time in 2019 he started treating me like crap. I nearly kicked him out xmas 2019 because he jumped out of bed and went crazy on me. Pushing me and throwing stuff. Throughout 2020 he has literally terrorised me or ignored me. I have threatened him with the police most weekends. The house got wrecked and i wanted to die. He was vile and heartless. I thought it was because he was hitting gin too hard.
Finally things seemed to settle down a bit and we made it through xmas 2020. Promises were made and i started to forgive him for being so cruel.
Two weeks ago he got seen by his business partner’s friend buying drugs. That’s when it all came out. He was basically doing it every day for 2020. Morning, noon and night. No wonder he was being so horrible. He tried to stop but he couldn’t. He’s almost died off it then done more. But still protected his secret and carried on being horrible.
The day i found out i rang cauk. They are amazing and are helping him realise what on earth he has done. He will be clean 3 weeks tomorrow.
I am a complete and utter mess. All my memories for the last 2.5 years have been turned upside down. I cannot even get my head round the lies and sneaking around. I thought we were in this together. My heart is broken and i can barely function. All the signs were there but i trusted him. My future is also unknown. I’m completely reliant on him for money as he runs a business that has given us a very comfortable life after years of being skint. I don’t want to lose my home, my garden or my kids dreams for the future. But his business partner is struggling.
I’m struggling. My husband is struggling. He wants to get better and he looks already like a shadow was lifted. He looks me in the eye for the first time in years. He said he hated what he was doing but just couldn’t stop. I hope he can do this but i am so, so scared for the future and know that it is completely out of my hands.