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just read through that Unhappy thread myself and it is very moving, and sad.
it really brings it home what a horrible situation we are all in, we’ve all got our own personal stories yet every single one of us suffers in a similar way, and it puts us in such a difficult position of trying to overcome our heartbreak and work out what to do for the best.
i hear what jamesb says, they need love and support, but unfortunately many addicts have all thatin the first place and throw it all away. he does acknowledge that sometimes you have to look to your own self-preservation and walk away. even if it’s just temporarily. it might be the shock they need, yet the countless stories on here prove that sometimes there really is no rock bottom for a great many addicts.
in the 12 steps they learn that they are suffering from a progressive illness, which leads eventually to death. it can be halted but only by the sufferer.
ash, myself and waltonfam are the *lucky ones* .. our partners have faced down their addictions. yet our hearts are still broken and we are still suffering from the outfall both internally and with children who have suffered greatly too.
it’s never easy to walk away but if there is an easy option in this life i don’t see it.
our addicts made their choices, maybe they didn’t forsee falling into addiction, but it’s somewhat bloody obvious using addictive substances regularly might not work out too well.
love does not conquer all unfortunately ????
we have to love ourselves first and foremost xx
the problem is that even if say This Time he is totally innocent… it’s entirely his own fault that you might be suspicious – these are HIS consequences. Sadly he is an untrustworthy liar. It comes with the territory. There is much work that HE can do to regain trust, but it has to come from his side. He has to accept the facts as they are – he is a liar whose word is currently meaningless. Consequences!
My husband was an untrustworthy liar for the duration of his active addiction, i am learning to trust him again (still after 16 months) because he is able to prove his current honesty and because i can see the shame in him about his lies.
It is still not where it could be… i am always skeptical about what i hear. But i put it to the test and things ring true thus far.
As for cruel comments about your family … all part and parcel bc he knows they’re not keen on him probably. They see him being awful to you and he knows it. If he isolates you from then he can control you better and take better advantage of your kind nature.
Also… why does he allow his son to take drugs at your home? Yet another grotesque abuse of your hospitality. Surely drug use is something you would forbid under your roof – for a multitude of reasons? The sheer horror of my husband using that stuff here in my home is part of what tipped me into breakdown. It’s soo utterly wrong. He knew this and went ahead. Okay… part of my reason is we have kids (our youngest daughter was only 8 and our son 11).. and grandkids and there’s a huge safety risk in that… but it’s completely inappropriate and a total abuse of trust to take class a drugs into somebody’s home against their wishes. It even puts them potentially in breach of the law ffs. Sorry … it still makes me very angry ???? ????
Anyway… sorry to hear your dad is having a bad time too… you should be getting support from a loving partner at this time, not emotional abuse by someone who yes, is definitely behaving like a narcissist. As cocaine turns people into cold hearted narcissists, whether they genuinely suffer from that disorder if free from drugs.
x
yeah… some wives/partners muddle along with living with an addict… in this house we were at his/its mercy… impossible to live with!!!
he’s been better this week anyway, a bit moody bc it’s hot but I’ve been gardening so I’m too tired to indulge his silliness ☺
oh gosh debbie, you really do have to wonder how much more of this dreadful behaviour you have to subject yourself to xx
it doesn’t matter if it’s the addiction speaking – it’s you who is listening and feeling, having your self worth eroded.
he clearly has no intention to alter his behaviour at the moment and that is a painfully unalterable fact.
the way i see it you may have a chance at genuine discussion in the 3 weeks away, but from what you say i wouldn’t put it past him to sneak a little stash on board. i know people who have transported personal amounts of substances over the air routes …. shocking i know (I’m paranoid enough when obeying the rules!!!!)… but you have to remember that these addicts have crossed the line years ago, there is no longer a sensible, moral line for them to adhere to.
i feel for you so much… can you take a friend or your daughter instead? or even go it alone like in the end of a great movie or book where the heroine gets her life back and we all know she has great things ahead after a terrible time!!!!
my husband is still up and down mood wise but thank the lord drugs aren’t involved as your post reminds me of those godawful days and nights of disgusting and irrational nonsense xxxx
big hugs and be kind to yourself on yet another devastating morning on your journey xxxx
so true!
i feel a little like his babysitter a lot of the time…. when we’re out, keeping an eye on him all the time (he’s perfectly okay drinking, but i know he feels emotionally triggered a lot when going to certain places, seeing certainpeople etc… as am i!) then worrying if I’m not home what will he do… i feel so duty bound to be there not necessarily to prevent drugs happening, more because i know he is going to be reminded about how in the past he couldn’t wait to get rid of me so he could use freely. i know he suffers with the guilt and self loathing.
he’s off to cardiff with his business partner in august and for few minutes i thought how nice, I’ll take the kids to see family in Scotland or Cornwall…. then minutes later realised i just can’t do that. he won’t be able to handle coming back to an empty house, he just won’t. I know it’s his consequences, but i know how much it would hurt him. and… there is a very small, tiny… but real possibility that he might be possessed by the addict’s mind set… i can’t risk that.
yet at the same time as my logical side says *what will be will be* i think of how the kids would feel if as a result of a nice trip away our family life was forever forfeited.
you’re right … our souls have been destroyed too…
sometimes i feel so overwhelmed with sadness and resentment, i wish there was a way to turn back the clock but there isn’t and whatever way we go is painful x
sorry for being so cheerless on a nice sunny day x
goodness me, it sounds like your bloke has a great many issues… i really do hope that you’re able to find a bit of time to focus on yourself a bit. this stuff is all so draining and emotionally hurtful. i hope you have friends or family close enough that you can talk to them and get a hug too.
x
i didn’t reply before because my husband has been very hard work recently (no drugs, just addict type behaviour!) and then we were away for a few days.
your approach sounds similar to mine… set clear boundaries and either he sorts it our, or we’re on the next bus out of here!
i think the softly, softly approach lets them think it’s okay, but it’s such hard work and inside we’re hurting a great deal.
i wondered how you guys are getting on? x
i watched an interesting vid from stephen hilton earlier… called i almost relapsed… i normally struggle to watch him as i find it very triggering (all the shiny, happy, recovering addict stuff makes me want to scream I’m afraid!! it doesn’t feel shiny or happy in ny heart or soul, not at all????) …anyway…
the interesting part was how the addict brain always defaults to type… ie.. reaches for the drug of choice, without constant hard work it’s difficult to not relapse.
it made me think of my husband’s recent behaviour… i came the closest to splitting with him a week or so ago, as his obsessive addict behaviour really flared up. i pointed this out to him that he knows he’s acting wrong and surely if he crosses behavioral lines, how long til he doesn’t care about crossing the line and using again. No fs given! I said i was genuinely wondering if he had taken drugs and felt if he hadn’t it was very close to happening.
At the time he didn’t really think of it that way and listened but disagreed.
We were away the weekend and had quite a nice time, but my guard is right up around him. That super cautious mood i have around him lately finally twigged his brain, and he said that he realised that he has been slipping more and more into thinking like an addict lately.
He’s going pull his socks back up again and has already.
But…. in my heart (and i told him so too) … im no longer sure he can do it.
Here’s hoping… but if i have to call time, i will!
I don’t want to live on this knife edge ????
hi debbie, i am very sorry you are right back in the horrible position of discovering your husband has little to no commitment towards staying clean. That’s a big blow for you.
But… please do not talk yourself down for what has happened… you have been extremely kind and generous in your attempts to deal with a situation that is completely of his making.
I know deep down you know that there was some inevitability towards this happening all over again, just as all of us living this life accept that relapse is an almost inevitable part of recovery. We all live on a knife edge just hoping and praying that today won’t be the day. That doesn’t stop us having faith in the good and it doesn’t stop it hurting if/when it does happen. It doesn’t make us silly, wanting the best, it’s just the way it is.
I know you don’t want to give up on him, but to have a relapse you’ve surely got to actually have an intention of quitting and recovery. From where i look it just doesn’t sound like your husband is there yet, he’s still firmly in the denial camp and doesn’t see a problem with using cocaine when he wants to. And you’re the *bad one* for complaining!?
Regarding your holiday… i would still plan to go, maybe alone, maybe with him. You mustn’t miss out – you’ve given up a lot already (peace of mind)… every time this comes up another bit of your potentially happy life gets snatched away.
If you go with him you will get time together away from drugs (unless he sneaks some along or scores while away!)… i think you should ask yourself if the time together will provide clarity going forwards, or whether it will just set you up for more disappointment in the future.
Addicts are self-centered, self-serving and selfish people. Their thinking is all mixed up. Looking at those ladies stories of getting out, it’s the best thing they did. If you can get out maybe you might be much happier this time next year, rather than up nights stressed, upset and hurt.
How much time do we devote to these ungrateful addicts before we put ourselves first?
xx
good lord your story puts the fear of god into me!!!! thank you for sharing and all power to you for being a safe good and loving mum for your poor kids in the dire situation.
i avoid saying brave and strong, because we aren’t really… we just didn’t get the choice in the matter xxx
i could tell you a million stories about the same exact behaviour coming from my husband. illogical, irrational and tiresome. yet sonehow… im the unreasonable one when he’s mad about something or another. when he’s calmer he knows he was talking rubbish, but in the moment it’s like he’s posessed.
it’s so, so hard, we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place… my husband and i have been together since 2003.. married 15 years this July.. we have 2 kids together and he took my older two on, we have two grandkids and a mortgage… there’s sooo much history… ive never been happier… and never been sadder.
the longer you stay together the harder it is to let go.
i wish I’d listened to my gut instinct years ago tbh.
like you many people have looked to us as a lovely couple and the embodiment of true love. it feels like a sham now though and i do have that nagging feeling it will all tumble down one day or another. especially since his obsessive behaviour is coming up to the forefront more often recently.
i hate to sound all doom and gloom but if you can get out before you’re in too deep, i would recommend it.
the more we help them, the more we’re enabling their poor behaviour.
i am learning to lovingly detatch from my husband and his antics.
????
does that sometimes! it’s a bit laggy ☺
so painfully familiar… absolute horrible ridiculous nonsense just pouring out of an angry fat head… spittle flying across the room!!! utterly grotesque ????
i don’t even bother to argue any more … he stopped all that when it all came out, but this past few months he’s going out of control all over again. then he wonders why im withdrawing from him.
i think he’s forgetting where he came from and that arrogant and egotistical addict side is coming back through.
i read what i write and i must admit i don’t like what i see.
yeah… I’m very familiar with that jacket scenario (grrr)… it’s like if you made them a sandwich or folded their clothes they’re doing YOU a bloody favour by accepting your meagre efforts!!! obviously my husband is nowhere near as bad as he was, but i do have to pull him up still now and again.
he was an absolute idiot on Saturday evening too, actually lost his temper and starting shouting the most ridiculous nonsense at me… same old same old same.
obviously very contrite on sunday… i know there are no drugs involved but i just want the peaceful life and I’ve started to think i won’t get it here. im making an exit plan just in case.
do you think your husband is back on the drugs potentially?