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hello, and here come yet another one caught up on this misery x
the good news is that your man definitely seems to want to change, and by the sounds of it has done really well until this latest relapse.
I’d say he definitely needs to be carrying on those meetings as recovery is an ongoing process that needs to be maintained every single day.
what you say about him telling you he will leave if you ask sounds like fairly typical addict behaviour… failing to take responsibility/ownership of anything, even their own feelings… hence the avoidance of dealing with feelings/life and using drugs instead.
if your guy is suffering from poor mental health it is to him to seek help from professionals. it is not our job to fix these broken individuals.
at the same time it is almost impossible to walk away from someone you love and care for, despite finding ourselves in these horrible circumstances.
we have to think long and hard about our personal boundaries, what we can or cannot tolerate, and then be ready to enforce these boundaries.
from what you say though he wants out and that can only be a good thing.
big hugs xx
i too am shocked and saddened by your story, what on earth can your new partner be thinking of to have headed down that road after the hell you’ve already been through!
since my husband got caught im astonished about how common cocaine usage is. i must have been so naive before, but it seems to be absolutely everywhere. i feel like screaming Its Not Normal… but it seems I’m in the minority … maybe i am the boring one huh!?
i admire your strength in setting out some boundaries, i hope you can find the inner strength to survive this latest round of horror.
thank you for sharing your story x
hiya,
just popped by to say that my husband had several similar episodes when in active addiction… he thought he was having a stroke… like you he was on his own downstairs while the kids and i were asleep… unfortunately he didn’t have the courage to call out for help, even though he thought he was going to die right there in his room. when i found that out i was utterly horrified. i could have come down and found him dead, or worse – so could the kids. but still he couldn’t stop!
I’m traumatised beyond belief by this image.
anyway, once i knew the situation after he got caught i did a lot of reading and found out that on some occasions the use of stimulants can cause a thing called overamping… basically the poor body just gives up the goat temporarily… it can happen with excess amounts, or if you haven’t had much that day but have been hitting it hard previously, also when your general care has gone downhill… ie lack of sleep, decent food, dehydration and overuse of other drugs/alcohol too.
overamping does pass but it definitely is a clear warning from the body that it is suffering.
i wont repeat all the other persons comments other than to say, well done for acknowledging the problem and the need to change.
it can be done if you want it badly enough and you can repair the damage with your girlfriend.
good luck on your journey
oh yes! that’s a good call you made there, it is the sneaky side of his brain dropping into the old habit.. old habits are the hardest to break indeed!!!!
as it goes my husband’s bad behaviour began many years before the drugs started, it just got progressively worse to the point that he actually thought he was untouchable… hence the drugs and the fact that i just thought *good grief, he’s worse than ever* never realising i was living with a coked up lunatic. puts chills down my spine now just thinking about it and what he was actually capable of doing.
i guess he still is too as it never really goes away does it ????
isn’t it exhausting dealing with it all ..
ah meant to say two other things… first and foremost you have probably had a terrible shock, and are feeling very frightened for the future… discovering your loved one is an addict/living with an addict really takes a toll on our mental health.
i used to be a very positive, outgoing, confident and happy go lucky person, now I’m a shadow of what i used to be, i have very bad ptsd, depressed, anxious, sad and afraid for the future. i always expect the worst now. i look at people and feel afraid of what they’re really like and i have very little ability to trust. im working on this of course. i had six months of talking therapy.
anyway I’m not moaning… im just saying that it is normal to feel very messed up and confused and heartbroken in our shoes, this life is not what we dreamed of growing up.
it’s important to acknowledge it and get help/support. all my family and a few close friends know what has happened. they’ve been amazing. we cannot possibly carry this burden alone.
i totally recommend confiding as you are always surprised by the level of kindness and understanding people actually have.
failing that… we’re all here for you too xx
one final thing… addicts need to be extremely careful with prescription medicines… especially those for anxiety etc… could be a very slippery slope here. be very careful.
anyway… big hugs and take care of yourself xxx????
fs.. sausage fingers again!
their brains rewire to prioritise the drug above everything else.. food, sleep, family and sex.. and as time goes by they stop at nothing to get their fix.. hence addicts are capable of stealing from tbeir own granny!
the good news is that they can overcome this illness and their brain can relearn it’s normal pathways, they need to be committed and above all, keep trying if they fall.
a lot of people swear by ca/aa/na… my husband went to ca and it got him on the right track. i made him. he’s glad he did because they are all recovering addicts and obviously know better than anyone the struggle.
some manage to break the habit without that assistance – ash’s husband managed to do so and has stayed clean.
what i would say is that you have to do what works for you, and don’t allow them (our addicts) to push you around any more.
you need to think about what your boundaries are and then get ready to enforce them. addicts love pushing boundaries.
in terms of his shame… during active addiction they go through cycles of shame, anger at themselves and the world, self-loathing and despair, even suicidal. they generally know what they’re doing is wrong and harmful.
but… the addict voice in their head lies to them and is the loudest… so they take more drugs in the hope of feeling better and end up feeling even worse. my husband is deeply ashamed of how he has behaved. he has been absolutely horrible and violent because of that stuff. he will never fully get over it.
at first my husband needed to be treated like a child… no cash/no money/babysat… and regular drug tests.
he’s okay now on that score.
do you know how much your husband was using/how long has he had the habit? mine was 2.5 years… and he wanted out but didn’t know how and shame kept it secret.
i think much longer and it would have been very much harder to get out.
so yeah, welcome to our corner where we aren’t quite so lonely in this strange world.
hope my ramblings can help a bit xx
… sorry… sausage fingers pressed submit!
yes…welcome to this place where people like us, generally women try to find some fragments of sense in this horrible, frightening world we’ve been thrown into. x
so.. you’ve had a bit of a time of it and it definitely sounds like your husband is quite heavily addicted, the lies and deception, and sheer cunning they employ are all part of the illness, and it really helps you deal with things if you keep the fact that is an illness at the front of your mind.
as they’ve taken more of this drug (or any addictive substance) their brain will have cjanged
hi hopeful,
sorry for not replying earlier, it’s been one of those weeks and my husband, despite being clean, has been slipping into his old behavioural habits. grrr.
I’d like to say welcome to this forum, but its
aw that’s okay, I’ve actually come close to asking my husband to leave this week as although he isn’t taking the drugs any more all the associated behaviour which led to his addiction have been popping up too much lately (paranoia/self-centeredness/obsessive behaviour/bad tempered and argumentative)… i told him that though i know he hasn’t taken drugs, the way he behaves I’m dreading him being around and when i look at him all i see is the man who betrayed me and the kids for a great many years.
it’s really sad but i think he is quite mentally shaky and much as i don’t want to desert him, at the same time it’s up to him to do the work and he’s already taken so much from me.
anyway, he’s taken it on board, for now.
i think it’s probably inevitable we will separate eventually. i think even the kids have had enough.
hey-ho xx
aw sounds like you’re trapped in the worst of both worlds… just able to see and feel how things could be, and having it ripped away every time. that’s very tough x
i think if my husband relapses i will walk away, but when it comes down to it that’s not very easy to do as we’ve been together 18 yrs and have kids. i am also 100% financially dependent on him.
it’s good that your husband is trying as it shows he deep down knows it’s a bad scene, i guess the addiction voice is very loud for him.
but yes, it’s a hard road and they have to be ready to fight for their sobriety x
hi notmyrealname x
i haven’t seen you on here for a while and i can’t remember your story. are you in the situation of a partner in recovery or active addiction? my husband is almost 15 months clean but it’s still a struggle for us both. staying off the drug is the *easy* part… he struggles with shame and paranoia and low self esteem and i struggle to accept where we are/where i am and what he’s said and done because of his addiction.
i know it was the addiction speaking for him, but he chose to go down the dangerous path of secretly taking cocaine… how did he think it would work out!? if you regularly ingest addictive substances it inevitably will lead to addiction.
yes, i know nobody sets out to be an addict but most people take sensible steps to avoid such a life. i feel very let down, even though im relieved he got clean.
now im waffling!
sending love, as always to my fellow addicts’ wives/partners/loved ones xx
wow debbie!!! he finally tested negative ????
what great news. and his general deneanor has lifted!
i really hope it stays this way and you make your holiday… the longer they stay clear of that stuff the better perspective they have of reality. maybe he can turn this around after all if he sees how enjoyable life can be without cocaine ruining everything.
on the weed… i confess i have smoked occasionally for over 30 years. BUT… i can take it or leave it. ive gone years without smoking but I’ll be honest i have used it for medicinal reasons a lot last year, a small amount in the evening to help me sleep – it’s gentler than the chemical stuff from the doc . however… it’s once again about the whole attitude around it. if you’re spoiling everyone’s lives around you then you have a problem. if you’re prioritising it over life.. a big problem. if you’re someone who struggles with addiction … you’re highly likely to develope a problem.
It’s not a stimulant like cocaine, therefore you don’t necessarily have the extreme irritability… however heavily usage definitely will lead to mood swings and the modern weed varieties are sometimes pretty strong.
Do be mindful. But I’m so glad he finally came back negative xx
my beloved crossed that bridge (parents/best friend’s house/anywhere
and everywhere) unfortunately.. the only no go zones were when other people were physically in the room… now either it is true or he is so mortified that he wishes it weren’t true ????
once one boundary is crossed you might as well just put them all in the bin!
it’s okay to take time to figure out what we really want from our relationship, and even whether we want it at all x
my husband and i talked yesterday about how this horrible thing is always going to be there, no matter what and maybe walking away might have been easier.
we’re all just acrabbling in the remains of what we thought we had, sometimes there are enough pieces to make something worthwhile, but it’s never the same. some parts of our relationship are better, but it still points back to the bad stuff.
i hope we make it and I’m 100% committed, but it’s not got that shine we once had.
in honesty i should have walked away years ago, before the drugs .. everyone envied us but behind closed doors he’s been an absolute nightmare… that’s how he got away with it for so long.. he was just worse than normal and progressed into complete insanity over the active addiction period.
anyway… what im saying is… dont beat yourself up for not leaving a tricky relationship… it’s not that easy x
bang on ash!
it’s either clear or he’s taken drugs! if anything that test can be a baseline… obviously it will be completely clear next time, right!?
yeah… i used to be a massive optimist and take people at their word/give the benefit of the doubt etc… not any more though… everyone looks shady these days and i am very, very cynical ????