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maybe he thought he would be clear and in doing the test was trying to fiigure out whether he can get away with it during the week… ie… if he did x amount after y hours… does it still show?
maybe he was disappointed as he won’t be able to get away with much!? they are crafty ***ers … but not as clever as they think!
wait… so he asked you to do the test and then moaned about it!?
did you mean the result was a faint positive? if so, it means that he took cocaine at some point in the not too distant past.
depending on when the test was done maybe even prior to the night out with friends/maybe he did a small amount when out.
either way it doesn’t sound like a very happy conversation, or weekend.
he still sounds like he thinks you’re the one with the problem, you’re ruining all his “fun” x
aw .. we’re like the little voices in your head telling you what you already know deep down xx
a retreat sounds heavenly, why wait til july? ????
also that bit about him telling you when he does it… what?? how would that work??
so what.. he says debbie, im thinking of doing drugs tonight/took drugs last night.. what on earth are you meant to say to that?
oh that’s great, thanks for telling me (brackets your permitting him, therefore it’s your responsibility for the drug use, not his) ..
or … would you go with a gut response and get accused of moaning, nagging, being a killjoy… all that usual addict nonsense that they then use as a springboard to go off and use yet more drugs. (obviously your fault again!)
I know some relationships will tolerate and deal with active addiction and if it works for them then that’s great. i would never slate someone for trying to maintain a relationship if that’s what they want to do.
however i dobwonder how happy they really are. are they actually dying inside? what about the behaviour of a person in active addiction… they’re generally not pleasant to be around (understatement!)… what if you have kids? is it really a good environment, im not sure.
and… it kills me greatly to know and try to come to terms with the fact that i lived in such appalling conditions, i would never knowingly have put my poor kids through that. good god No!
Never Again.
i hope it never comes to that huh ????
debbie, ive rambled on long enough, i really wish you all the strength and hope he treats you kindly this weekend xxx
and don’t you dare feel guilty about putting your needs first! you’ve every right to feel happy, safe and respected in your life and home. it’s okay to say No.. this isn’t good for me. And walk away, even maybe not a permanent separation or divorce, just a break from it all and see if he comes up trumps or not.
He doesn’t see an issue with taking coke frequently. You do. (i would too!) Until there is a compromise from those two polar positions there will be problems.
Put yourself first and think about all the lovely things you could be doing instead of dealing with this misery xxx
hmmm so many alarm bells ringing here!!! but good for you bringing it up as that took a lot of courage. unfortunately he sounds like he has been able to manipulate everything tbat was said in his favour so that you carry all the responsibility for this situation.
he paints himself and his kids as the victims of your behaviour, so that you feel bad and he doesn’t have to, classic manipulation tactic.
my first immediate reaction to him saying he hasn’t done any since Easter is … well that’s only a few days and what proof is there… my husband was very woolly about dates when he got caught… made out he’d cut right down over the previous few weeks but when i pointed out what he himself had told me. it was absolute rubbish! not saying your husband lied but hmmm… and his answer to splitting from you over cocaine is to do more? with his son??? hmmm hmm hmmm … are you close enough with his son to have a conversation with him about all this… (whose idea was it to get the drugs)… also… he does it, his son does it, the friends do it… so many alarm bells going off about all that x
his view on the tests… very convenient… the more heavy user you are the longer to test negative and it is true that alcohol makes it take longer to clear… but if he wants to prove himself clean surely it should be easy enough, right?
as for the bank … very, very shady indeed.
i can’t tell you what to do in your relationship, only you can decide that..and getting out of a relationship is so traumatic and hard. bloody hell, i can talk… i put up with terrible things and I’m that ashamed i can’t even bear to speak of them… all very clear reasons to have gotten out, but i didn’t.
however…. please. please make sure you have that legal safety behind you… don’t let yourself be financially ruined in the name of love as whatever the outcome of this marriage, you need to be able to live and look forward to a future which you clearly have worked so hard towards.
xxx
same, I’ve been thinking of debbie a lot today and really hope all is well xx
i mean id just dive in and say “look love, this just isn’t working for me… ” then issue and ultimatum… i just dont see him turning it round so your marriage could well go up in flames… maybe if he had to go he might realise he’s at a fork in the road.. marriage or cocaine xx
i would say that there is no point bringing it up unless you have prepared mentally and emotionally to set out a firm boundary, and most of all ..be ready to stick with the outcome.
he plainly hasn’t cared for your feelings up til now and from what you say is almost hellbound to get defensive, deflect on to you and then you’ll end up feeling like the bad one… this is classic denial on his part.
personally if you don’t want to be married to someone actively abusing cocaine, then he must surely stop using and prove he is doing so. otherwise you must either learn to live with it (which i would not personally do) or lovingly detatch and try to heal yourself from all this trauma.
a lot of addicts struggle to get clean, but at least they’re trying (look at danman… he isn’t stopping trying to give up and it’s hard, hard work but he knows what to do and is doing it) .. sadly you’re bloke won’t even seem to admit there’s a problem. it’s heartbreaking to read. lile ash.. im so upset and sad and annoyed that yet more nice people are having their lives devasted by this awful, horrible demon that is addiction.
if you do bring it up .. just go straight to the point and be frank… you’ve got this… but if you can’t bring yourself to do so, we’ll all understand as it’s going to be a painful discussion xxx
good lord that’s stark x
I’m so sad to read that ash. I’m so glad you made it through and things did eventually improve.
they are basically inhuman on this drug, it’s almost impossible to believe unless you’ve been on the inside, as we all are. they are all but the living dead.
debbie, you have our full support. right beside you and you will get through this situation and keep your head held high.
xx
unfortunately if we could all say those magic words to break our addicts out of their stupors, we would…and a lot of addicts would beg us to say them.
there is probably nothing you can say or do to make him change, as change comes from within. it’s not you who has the problem… and from all accounts you sound like a very nice, successful lady who is being dragged down.
i can tell you this from my experience..firstly… no matter how hard i tried and the hoops id jump through to make my husband happy during his active addicts.. nothing… literally nothing.. made him happy. he’d just find some small thing to fire off about and then, as it turns out…sneak off and use.
secondly..being in this type of manipulative, dishonest and confusing relationship takes its toll on everything you think you are. self-esteem goes down the toilet.
thirdly… during the worst part of his addiction i became suicidal… and he still couldn’t care less… he used it as an excuse to use.
ash is right about the gaslighting they do xx
omg debbie! he takes it with his son? i feel like bursting into tears on reading that…this is absolutely appalling ???? so in other words he is setting his own child up for a life of potential addiction and misery.
that’s just awful.
i appreciate the son may be an adult, but good god if i found my husband encouraging drugs with our kids i would probably dismember him!!!
does the mother know… id even be inclined to discuss this with your husband’s mum at this point.. I’m actually fuming at man now and i never met him!!! I’m supposed to be going to the garden centre!
look in all reason and fairness rhis bloke is being utterly sh1t to you, he’s so caught up the horrible, selfish and self-centred world of addiction he can only see people around him as pawns to facilitate his habit. i think he is pretty much unreachable.
I’m shocked but not shocked… using drugs with his son under your roof is a grotesque abuse on you in every single way.
I’m so sorry and sad he put you there debbie, but he is really not a nice person at the moment. i think deep down you know this ????
sorry to be so blunt and so many gentle hugs to you xxx
just popped back to say absolutely that yes it can be done without ca/rehab etc… don’t mean to force it on you! it’s not for everyone .. i guess it’s a bit like marmite ☺
… whoops… pressed send with my sausage fingers!
was going to say it’s like living in an alternative reality and once you’ve seen it, you can’t go back to the old side.. I struggle hugely with my mental health as a direct result of this (ptsd and deep, deep depression and anxiety)
however like i say… you can survive this and learn to smile again xxx
hi kire, i can’t reply in full now but just wanted to send a massive hug and say you’re not alone. your situation sounds very similar to mine and if you look for stuff I’ve written you’ll see that there is hope of sorts.
if he wants to get clean… i can’t recommend ca (cocaine anonymous uk) highly enough.. they will be glad to help.
i know very much how you must be feeling right now… sick, frightened and deeply hurt.. it’s awful .. but you can get through.. it’s a long road… i think staying with them is possibly harder than just throwing in the towel, because you will have lots of conflicting polar opposite feelings… it is worth it to try though i feel, especially if you have kids/house/etc… but only in my view if they’re genuinely willing to change and make amends xxxx
massive hugs to you and know this.. we are all with you and understand only too well this mightmare… its