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oh sal, im so sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you… addiction is such a cruel disease x
I’m glad you got your life on track now and really appreciate your kind words … like i said before… we didn’t want this knowledge but if it can help anyone at all, that’s something to hold on to xx
hi debbie,
a quick reply as im in Spain, but didn’t want to ignore x
i would agree with everything ash says above and even go as far as to say that in a way it doesn’t matter whether he thinks he is an addict or not… he might get very defensive if he feels cornered. what matters is that you do not wish to live the lifestyle of a cocaine user’s wife… if he wishes to continue using then he cannot keep the relationship.. simple enough to write here but not so easy when it is your life on the line x
i would suggest that you wish him to get clean and therefore he must prove himself with regular drug tests in your presence.
i would also suggest he might find it very hard to get clean and might well need help and support from a proper organisation… you are not responsible for his choices and it’s not fair for us addicts wives to shoulder any greater a burden than we already do.
i would be cautious that he might say anything to get this situation sorted and you are at great risk of being manipulated… beware x
one other thing i don’t know if ash would agree, but i bet she would…not trying to be a pessimist or ungrateful… but the sad truth is that we haven’t got our husbands back properly, or our relationships, or our futures.. we’re kind of stuck in this weird limbo place where we don’t really recognise ourselves or our husbands or our lives…always wondering if it will all come crashing down today… i have some trust in my husband of course… but honestly… i don’t even really trust myself anymore..my judgement has been completely and utterly undermined.
i don’t trust anyone at all these days.
i wish you the greatest luck snd strength and will be thinking of you xxx
i must admit i couldn’t face telling my mum as i was in a terrible state, i told my brother and asked him to talk to her… she’s completely anti-drugs… but as it turns out she’s even more anti-me… my brother and i have all but completely cut ties with her over the last year.. not directly because of my husband’s addiction issues, but indirectly he caused the catalyst that forced me to confront all my demons once and for all ..but that’s a whole other story lol ☺
my entire life has lurched from one disaster to the next… by all accounts i should be hiding in the cupboard escaping reality but instead, as always I’m the sweeping up crew!!!
☺
aw no problem, much as i hate the fact that all this knowledge i didn’t want to have was dumped on me, it helps me come to terms with it all myself when i read it back.. i still can’t really believe I’m here in this situation tbh, but am glad to be of help to others in any way at all x
i do see a lot of similarity with our husbands bad habits.
in your position in some very painful ways it sounds as if you’ve had a lucky escape from this hell, you’re financially independent, have your own home and grown up kids. i know it’s absolutely heartbreaking as you love the man dearly, but you’ve got that boundary and you know you’ve got to stick to it for your own sanity. if he wants to earn his place back with you then he needs to get provably clean. maybe daily drug tests you supervise and/or meetings. he swore that oath before so there is a part of him that wants the relationship. but you can’t compete with the drug as you are not hijacking his brain functions!
i don’t know about his mum.. tough call really… he definitely shouldn’t be deceiving her, yet I’m not sure it’s our place to tell the addict’s people…. but… at that sane time it’s also not our secret to keep. why should we hurt ourselves by not telling the truth about our own lives? we’ve done nothing wrong!! i made my husband tell his family, partly because of our kids/their grandkids welfare is their business but also so they knew what we faced and could be one more little anchor to his recovery.
i have not told a lot of people but all my close family are aware, because i couldn’t suffer this alone without their support. plus a few good, dear friends.
i don’t want the world to know, partly because i feel some shame of this situation… wrong i know… I’ve nothing to feel ashamed about, yet i bet a lot of us feel that lurking shame too.
xx
hi ladies, i didn’t get time to reply yesterday as been getting organised for a little holiday… our first family trip abroad ever!
when it comes to these addiction stories every addict has his own tale to tell, yet they’re all broadly very similar…. in that they end up prioritising the drugs above everything else in life as the brain’s circuits effectively rewire to make them believe that no enjoyment can beat the high of the drug and it leads them to prioritise the drug above everything else including base life living.
cocaine in particular seems to be so insidious because it’s more of a mental addiction than a physical one.. for example… alcohol dependant people and heroin addicts will get physical pains as soon as withdrawal occurs.. but with a lot of cocaine users they seem to be psychologically dependent … they use in binges at the weekend, or not necessarily every day. i think this particular drug is harder to spot too, if you aren’t expecting to see it, since they are not doped out and therefore more ability to be covert in their usage.
so i would say debbie that your husband is very much psychologically dependant on this drug. like my husband did, he sees it as an easy fix to escape from reality for a bit. my husband tells me that no matter what shit had happened that day, whatever the worries he had… a couple of hits from the drugs and he no longer cared. escapism basically. unfortunately, what he couldn’t see at the time was that most of the problems he was trying to escape from by using the drugs, were actually caused by the drugs. in fact… after 2.5 years of this gradually more problematic behaviour he had accepted taking drugs around the house, even around the kids, in his car, at work as perfectly normal. despite never being able to sleep, nose bleeds, thinking he was going to die, living with the guilt… all just part of his life now.
i tell you all this to highlight how ingrained this crazy behaviour becomes!
unfortunately active addicts by nature are generally dishonest liars. they lie to the people around them a lot, but most lies they tell are to themselves. this is how they keep the addiction going.
they tell themselves they are not addicts, it’s just a little treat they need just for them, they tell themselves that they’re not hurting anyone, or doing any harm, they pretend they can stop whenever they want to .. but just not today!
my husband was stuck after 2.5 years… can you imagine how deeply ingrained this behaviour must be in your husband Debbie?
deep down inside his brain is a voice telling him that what he’s doing is wrong and he is hurting himself and you, and will lose you. but the louder voice of this psychological addiction is saying .. go on .. just a bit more… she’s just a nag. you deserve it! what’s the harm!?
when my husband got caught out it was like a slap in his face that disturbed the addict equilibrium. he had to make the brutal choice. get clean or lose everything.. job. business, house, family, marriage…end up on the streets and dead in a few months!
if I’m 100% honest i think at first he was just talking the talk amd hoped it would all blow over so he could get back on with it. he had already accepted his fate way back in the addiction that when it inevitably came out that all the cards would fall.
like you debbie i won’t tolerate him on drugs and like you are being so strong, you expect him to take responsibility for dealing with the problem.
i put my husband in touch with ca and they helped save his life. he tells me now he probably wouldn’t have stopped if we hadn’t all basically ganged up on him. he went to several meetings a week for a long time.
it took many months for his active addiction fog to clear so he could see how utterly despicably he has behaved to me, the kids and his business partner.
we had him cornered, if you like!
truthfully, addicts can stop without the ca/meetings. ash is testament to the fact that she has bravely supported her husband through this process.
but the honest and horrible truth is that they have to be willing. they have to want to change. or they won’t manage. it’s so difficult and hard and brutal.
doing the 12 steps did my husband a world of good. many addicts have huge personality issues which are often what leads them into their addiction states. he found out exactly what he needs to change about himself to be a better person.
he is a work in progress though.
his behaviour can relapse.
if his behaviour slips down too far, i think he could relapse.
anyway, that’s enough about me… i hope my ramblings don’t irritate too much and i send lots of love to all of us stuck in these difficult circles x ????
by the way..i don’t really know too much about rehab. i expect it’s expensive as the nhs is unlikely to be able to help. and again the addict needs to be willing!
crikey! i would be inclined to beg someone else to field the calls… obviously it’s your call but you’re so vulnerable right now it will be very difficult talking to him about anything.
maybe he will be calling to make new promises and promise the earth? maybe this time he has faced up to facts? maybe he’s going to have a go at you and blame you?
can you ask him to just text you?
good luck xx
ah that’s okay, i couldn’t read your update and not say anything x
it sounds like he has all the typical devious habits of those who want to protect their addiction. it’s a form of madness where they throw away true love and companionship for this isolating drug (don’t forget many pick it ahead of their own children and therefore it is not a sleight against you personally)
in time the sun will shine again for you one day and although you may struggle to find a real closure from this hopefully you will at least be able to come to terms with it all and regain some peace of mind.
i pity his mother in this… stuck at her probable senior age enabling her sons’ bad behaviour … i wonder if she internally despairs or whether she is in as much denial as those in active addiction.
look after yourself x
oh no debbie, what absolutely awful news! i am very, very sorry indeed.
i know that at the moment there will be almost nothing that can really console you – you are living my worst nightmare after all and i can imagine that you are in enormous pain right now ????
however… there are two things i would pick up on…
firstly, never forget how incredibly brave and courageous you are for setting a clear, fair and reasonable boundary… and sticking to it. i have set this same line here and if it is crossed it’s the end for us too. it’s my worst fear that keeps me on edge night and day.
secondly, whereas my husband had been actively using for 2.5 years, and always in secret knowing deep down he was doing something terrible.. your husband has had this habit for very many years and from what you’ve said has normalised the behaviour to the point where he sees no problem with it. that is one heck of a mindset to alter. maybe he found it harder than he expected. or maybe he didn’t really want to change at all.
when my husband first came out with it all i think he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear, to get us off his back and then go back it.
there was a lot of contradictory rubbish coming out of his mouth for the first few weeks.
eventually the spell was broken for him at least.
anyway debbie, I’m so sorry for the developments and know this we’re all here for you and for the grace of God a few of us are spared your pain but many more are in your same horrible position.
massive hugs and i hope your family can support you in the gentlest and loving way while you come through hell xxx
obviously it’s always easy to look where others are and say oh i would do this or that… but.. i am 100% convinced that if it weren’t for our two shared biological kids he wouldn’t have seen me for dust – long before the drugs were in the open!!!!
having said that – if things were different, things would be different.
it’s hard to break away but staying is hard too.
if he relapses I’m off anyway, no third chances. I’ll care about him from a safe distance, and keep the kids safe too.
thanks for your kind words about holland xxx
God! This reminds me of my experience so much! My husband started taking cocaine in secret in October 2018 and over the following 10 months the situation got more and more out of hand. I could see there was something wrong but i thought it was a mixture of massive work stress, a shit couple of years (for both of us mind!) and the fact his 40th was coming up. I thought he was feeling unloved.. aww! So… bought flights, hotels and tickets for a surprise trip to holland and massive festival, which we’d wanted to go to for years. I also arranged a surprise party in a hotel with all family and friends I could get. Massive custom cake. 9 year old daughter made a second special cake. We just wanted him to feel the love!!!!
Yeah, he was okay on the day and was okay on the way to holland, but halfway through the trip the mood goes down, down and down. Rowed all the way home. Obvious why now!
After that things just continued to drop through the floor!
Christmas was terrible. Tempers, violence and then demands for my attention. Then more tempers if I wasn’t loving enough. Getting the kids involved against me.
Then 2020! By June i was suicidal. Only thing keeping me going was the fear of leaving the kids with this insane, violent, vile thug.
A year after the massive birthday surprise i couldn’t even bring myself to buy him a card. Looking at those ridiculous cards going on about wonderful husbands and dads frankly made me want to smash up the stand. At that point I still didn’t know wtf was going on. I had assumed it was alcoholism. I never, ever thought he’d do such an appalling thing to me or the kids.
Autumn got worse. I almost kicked him out but he begged one more chance and promised a nice family xmas. It was not too angry, just cold, lonely and detatched.
New years night and he promised on his honour 2021 would be a good year. What a joke… little did i know he’d been sneaking off to the toilet all night sniffing that crap… around our kids mind! That’s so damn low to me.
Anyway things carried on being empty and awkward and angry. Then bang, he got caught out and everything crashed down on us.
I had a breakdown when i found out. I’m getting a little better now, after 13 months and a lot of self reflection. I have very bad ptsd though.
He’s clean, thank heavens.
I have not bought him a card since. And only one present- a necklace with an inscription.
I can’t be a hypocritical idiot buying a wishy washy card that goes on about what a great husband he is. He gets it.
I will be highly unlikely to ever travel to Holland again either.
I still feel such an idiot. though it’s not my fault – our brains don’t work on logic though when it comes to our addict partners.
x
always on guard. night and day!
what a terrible time you’ve had/are having. it was me that said about the war zone. and lockdown was utter hell for me too. unfortunately i can identify only too well. i don’t think I’ll ever get over that period either.
mine has stopped using drugs for 13 months, after he got caught by his business partner – between us we gave my husband one chance and he has turned his life around, but i know only too well how close i am to your life position.
good luck on your escape x
sometimes the truth gets through that addict shell and the person inside can get free, they are the lucky ones and so are we.
i wish you both all the best x
hi debbie, i was only thinking about your situation earlier… and I’m so pleased to hear things are going okay for you. they really can change if they want to and it sounds as if your husband wants the change as much as you do. x
unfortunately as i have discovered it’s very common x