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also… the shouting in the face thing is utterly horrendous… another classic … forehead to forehead… spit going all over you… utterly terrifying and awful x
and YOU’RE NOT A BAD MUM xxx you’re caught up in something that is not your fault and you have no more power over this than he has over his addiction.
you’re a good mum and a caring person just trying to do your best in an impossible situation.
x
oh my, this sounds so bloody familiar… and it only tends to escalate x
our home was like a war zone … i can’t believe i lived like that too… ive been pushed, shoved, hit, dragged out of bed and had stuff thrown at me. there isn’t a room without walls or doors dented in, it’s supposed to be our dream home. however houses can be fixed but people can’t always.
please take care of yourself x
My husband accused me of all sorts, and put cameras front and back… we also had a tremendous row as i refused point blank to have them indoors. Unfortunately it’s par for the course.
As for telling a family member or friend… you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. You need support. I never told anyone about his behaviour during the addiction period, but the day i found out i made him tell his family and i started telling mine. I’ve not told many as it hurts to tell people, but i needed at least a few people around me knowing what our family was facing. They were so much more understanding than i expected.
I can’t help much more than i already have but i would say again, i recommend you try calling ca. It can’t do any harm, as it sounds like you’re in hell already.
x
My husband has too much on his plate already at the moment to be able to do that, plus on this forum we’re not meant to share personal details etc… but… i would 100% recommend you call cauk. There is obviously na and aa, but as my husband was using cocaine i went with ca.
So the day it all came out i literally did not know what to do.. i went on nhs web page and somewhere in there i found the details for cocaine anonymous. i rang them straight away and spoke to a really nice, kind recovering addict who took the details and then rang me back a little while later. he then took a few more details and rang my husband. they took it from there. i made it clear to my husband he had to do the work and he did. he started meetings the next day.
I’d say ca uk pretty much saved our lives.
good luck x
It’s good to hear from someone who has weathered the storm long term. My hope is that when we’re old and look back, the horrendous cocaine years represent only a small percentage of our overall years as a couple.
We have talked a lot about what it was like for him during this time, so hopefully he won’t suffer in years to come like your husband.
Addiction really is a most ugly and destructive problem.
Yet still they come down that road!
unfortunately they will always carry the burden of guilt and shame, all they can do about it is understand they weren’t in their right minds and continue to make amends to those they hurt… my husband is only a year or so in but he does lots of nice things with the kids to make up for them missing out on having a loving and present daddy ????
he does quite often cry for what he has done and i don’t think he’ll ever get over the guilt and shame.
I’m not sure I’ll get over what he put me through – we just learn to live with this burden and muddle along as best we can.
I think he might need therapy one day too.
At least our kids are okay x
oh gosh x
i can’t tell you what to do but i can tell you that i know how powerless and horrible and broken you must be feeling.
do you have a friend or family member you can turn to as this position is very isolating and you need some real time support right now?
remember you are not the cause of this, he has made a few bad decisions and now is completely snared in the addiction.
you also can’t free him of it – he has to admit that he has a problem and want to get clean.
this can be a long and difficult road for all involved.
i never loved anyone the way i loved my husband, and i never felt anyone loved me the way he used to either.
thinking of separating was like being punched in the chest, especially with kids involved.
however when he was on the drugs i almost felt like we despised eachother.
mine is now clean for 13 months, he tells me active addiction was absolute hell and i believe him, at the time he told himself he was doing no harm and it was just normal, with the clarity he now has he can see the terrible harm. he almost died on it alone downstairs and still carried on – justifying it all the way.
mine was on it for 2.5 years and only he knew this.
it all came out one day and he had a simple crossroads – get clean or lose everyone and everything. he made the right choice but not everyone does. if he goes back to it I’m taking the kids and going. no third chances.
i hope it never comes to that but im always on guard.
xx
i know danman will have a helpful insight into this but have you tried calling the cauk number yourself. they might be able to speak to your boyfriend and maybe even persuade him to come to a meeting. they might help you a little too.
cocaine can make you very, very paranoid and almost delusional really. my husband said the most bizarre and horrible things in active addiction.
please look after yourself and your baby because things can get very nasty when the discussions get heated. maybe have an escape plan in your mind if you need to get away fast.
i didn’t know my husband was on cocaine but i knew his alcohol usage was off the scale. i would literally have 999 at the ready in my pocket most weekends when he was at his worst, i never had to use it though…the threat was enough to shut him up a bit (probably because he didn’t want to be busted for drugs).
if your bloke is using frequently then his mind is completely hijacked at the moment, he just won’t be thinking straight. that’s why he won’t listen to you.
big hugs to you and your baby, you’re not alone, we’re all here for you x
Glad to be of service! Just so sorry that you know exactly what i mean because you’ve borne the brunt of it. It’s a horrible place to be, in a way if your relationship has ended because of this, closure will be harder to find.
At least my husband sees now with a clear mind how vile his behaviour was and has apologised, it goes a very long way towards helping me not question everything i think or feel as for a while i really felt like i was losing my mind.
I hope you have a good support network around you and send you much love.
This life is absolutely not what we dreamed of growing up us it!?
Take care x
aw i feel a little teary reading that! thank you so much xxx
i can hardly believe we’ve got here sometimes – in the beginning i never thought it possible.. all i could do was focus on the greater good and give my husband a safe space to recover. he wanted out though – active addiction is misery.
we went on our own journeys but hand in hand.
i am amazed looking at his journey and couldn’t be prouder of him.
we are lucky to have eachother xx
wow! my husband could have written exactly what Jamesb just wrote! he felt he had crossed that line into no man’s land and as far as he was concerned everything was past saving….by keeping it quiet he was holding off the inevitable… but yep! he got caught… i didn’t at that point know if the marriage could survive but i could only view him as a human that I loved, who was suffering. i put him in touch with ca immediately and he turned it round.
i wish he’d had the courage to come to me before he got caught, and so does he. he was afraid that everyone he loved would turn their backs on him. thing was we all knew there was something wrong with him… we just didn’t know what on earth was going on! everything fell into place when the truth started coming out – i was literally kicking myself as looking back it was bloody obvious!
i appreciate you might not have an easy relationship but if he loves you and the kids surely he will see as i did – the best thing to do is give the suffering addict the space to try and get better.
if you really cannot speak to him, speaking to a friend/family member/ca will likely be the most courageous and best thing you can do.
ca really do wonders for so many people, yes… it is spiritual (god of your own understanding- could be Christian/muslim/mother nature/the universe/father xmas/anything)… but they are so supportive and welcoming, and they are all recovering from addictions so understand like nobody else can.
as for recovering your own self by taking the drug, that’s an illusion – and it’s making you ill! bloody hell… my husband has a whole new lease of life since stopping… everything feels great! food tastes good again! sleep is sweet and precious! he barely slept for 2 years! there is so much life to be had after active addiction.
if you want out it is possible xx
you’re stronger than you think xxx
my husband didn’t think he could stop, he tried, he went round and round the circle driving himself insane… then he got caught and everything crashed in on him and the cycle got broken like a mirror being smashed.
hey that’s okay… I’d rather you ask for help in the wrong place than not at all xx
i can identify with a lot of what you said about how you ended up where you did anyway… I’m 46 and have been deeply involved in the underground music scene since i was 17 and drugs are everywhere. I’ve been a parent since 18 though and had to stick to a lot of boundaries to keep safe and to keep my kids safe as well.
i don’t know personally what it’s like to be stuck inside that circle of addiction, only what my husband said and how glad he is to be out of it. it sounds horrible.
he saw a private surgeon about his nose a couple of times and was assured that no permanent damage was done – he had been convinced it was all collapsing.
again it’s not my place to advise but are you able to cut down/leave it for a few days? some people need rehab to get off this stuff! it’s very difficult to do all alone xxx
hi cockapoo2
i feel compelled to reply to you despite the hostile comments between worthless and i..
this is a forum for people affected by another person’s drug use rather than a place for drug users to obtain help. however it is difficult to ignore a genuine cry for help.
i see you ask about health issues relating to cocaine use. there are many and you can easily frighten yourself by googling them. my husband used to do that a lot when in active addiction. obviously the nose can be damaged, as can the heart and liver, increased risks of strokes and heart attacks. potential link to parkinsons. permanent damage to the brain. mental health issues, suicide. possible death by overdose or the body just giving up. however not all of these are certain, it depends on amounts, frequency, durations and overall duration of habit, as well as your own personal health. my husband used for 2.5 years and seems to have no permanent ill effects, despite nearly dying from it, alone, in the dark, on multiple occasions. lucky man!
you’ve expressed a desire to stop and i do suggest ca – it doesn’t work for everyone but it can do wonders. there are other ways. I’m sure worthless can advise!
i did pick up that you are completely alone in doing this. my husband was the same – only he knew the cause of the daily problems this habit was creating in this family. i can’t tell you strongly enough how much he wishes he’d told me sooner. i feel the same. when the addiction was in the dark it ruled him. once the truth started coming out we could deal with it together. i would totally recommend talking to someone in your life about this problem.
good luck x
Hi ThisTim3
I know exactly the pain you feel as my husband is a recovering secret cocaine addict. The only person on the planet apart from him who had an inkling was his dealer. Knowing the person you love has concealed a huge part of their life hurts like nothing i have ever felt before.
My husband used cocaine in secret for two and a half years. It started when we had been through a very difficult few years and he began to resent me for how hard life was. He then had some kind of mental breakdown due to work and cocaine slipped into his life – a little late at night on weekends at first, but over the following 30 months it took over everything!
But he never said a word. We all knew something was wrong but we didn’t know what. His behaviour completely deteriorated and his health went to pieces. On some occasions i asked him straight out if his was on drugs but he denied it.
But why…. first off he knew that if he said he planned to take cocaine around the kids i would have put a stop to it straight away (obviously!), then.. once it had begun he was filled with shame, embarrassment and at the same time he did get a kick out of the secrecy, he felt he liked the control too (though looking back he can see it was completely beyond control), he also was frightened but didn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone me or anyone else. The more he did the bigger the hole he was digging. More shame, worse physical shape, bigger rows and deeper denial. He lied to himself throughout the whole of his active addiction (his words not mine).
About 8 months into his recovery i realised that i still felt completely shut out of this massive part of his life and i also became aware that he was carrying a huge burden of guilt and shame – he was afraid to tell me the nitty gritty of his experiences.
We went out to the seaside and talked and cried for hours. Once the barriers came down it was a big turning point. We’re doing okay now. Still have a way to go but 11 months in and at least we’re on the same page.
We’ve been together since 2003 and i always thought the one thing we had above all was 100% honesty. To find out about this terrible secret was the worst feeling I’ve ever had.
I hope you’re able to break down the barriers with your partner.