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debs.. you have come on to a forum specifically here to support people like me … people who are greatly hurt and have had our lives wrecked by a loved one’s drug use…. you originally come here to complain of how your drug use is affecting you and then use it as a launchpad to boast how great you’re doing on cocaine…. and then even imply that as so many are using this drug it’s perfectly acceptable and people like me have no business grumbling!
yes, i candidly admitted to using drugs recreationally and occasionally for 3 decades. i did so to give you the simple context that i have no beef with drug users generally speaking. i drink wine frequently and am not an alcoholic. i have smoked a cigarette on occasion and am not addicted to nicotine. i am not an addict and i do not have a substance use disorder of any type. i am the wife of a recovering cocaine addict who loves me and bitterly regrets his actions.
you make a whole series of unfounded, unfair and ridiculous personal attacks on me… some of your rantings make a little sense but in many ways you are speaking to an invisible enemy rather than me, as much of what you say is unrelated to anything i said, think or even feel.
it seems as if the drugs are affecting your judgement, as I’m afraid this is absolutely and completely typical behaviour of someone in your situation!
i suggest you read through the forum guidelines and check whether your postings are really appropriate for this place.. i think you will find they are not.
And you can keep your love and luck thanks!
hi jinn
it is of course possible to use drugs recreationally, and not become an addict… in the exact same way a person can enjoy alcohol or gambling etc without becoming addicted.
pretty much anyone can lose control of a particular vice and fall into addiction, certain substances (cocaine/crack cocaine/nicotine) are considered highly addictive though.
a lot of addicts say they are completely in control, despite fulfilling all the criteria to consider them an addict, denial allows them to carry on their destructive actions and they often believe it themselves.
does that make sense?
hi jopack
from what you say it is definitely possible that your partner has some kind of substance use disorder, but this does not necessarily indicate cocaine addiction. the dark wee and yellowed eyes seem more like an alcohol related issue to me as it’s liver problems and severe dehydration which would cause that sort of symptom. if you get the drug test strips of amazon the next time he leaves it in the toilet you could dip to get a result. the ones we had showed thc (cannabis), opioids and cocaine.
i take it you’ve asked him straight out and he’s presumably denied it? could you insist he does a drug test?
i am sorry to read your story and feel great sympathy that your dreams are falling apart in front of your face. it’s a horrible, sickening feeling.
do you have anyone in your family or his that you can talk to/get support?
i think my husband had somewhat of a breakdown over work which caused him to slip into addiction but it was a very gradual worsening situation snd didn’t just happen overnight. it’s no excuse either and cocaine didn’t make him be an a****le, he was being one already and the drugs made him think temporarily he felt better, but at the same time much worse … it’s complicated!!!!!
cocaine doesn’t make you do anything, it’s up to them to admit the problem and get help. addiction is not a choice but recovery is!
good luck as cocaine/ alcohol/ gambling/ mental health issues can take a huge toll on us in life and you sound as if you’re having a nightmare.
keep us posted if you feel up to it x
hi rikkrota
first of all you are not a failure, you’ve just got into a bit of a difficult situation. but there is a way out and you must try to use that same strength you have used to post this message to reach out to someone in your family, friendship circle or even the school may have some kind of support system for you.
i bet that your family have already noticed there is something wrong and are worrying nights trying to figure out what is the matter.
you are at the beginning of your life with so much to look forwards to, i wish you all the strength in the world.
xx
hiya
i second what lindyloo says about Cocaine Anonymous. i can tell that it is a completely non profit/self funded fellowship run by recovering addicts for addicts who need help. it is also completely confidential so only members in the meetings know what is being discussed. they helped my husband get off this drug and turn his life around. you can call them 24/7 and they will put you in touch with people who can and will help.
lindyloo is also wise to mention danman.. he is also in recovery and knows well from the inside the struggle you are facing.
from what you say you are surrounded by this drug and are using quite a bit. you must feel very, very physically and mentally unwell. you can come back from this though and i wish you all the very best.
good luck!
hi bella
you are definitely not thick, he didn’t want you to know what he was doing- they are very sly about using this drug.
lots of us thought there was something wrong with our loved ones and didn’t even imagine they’d be doing what they turned out to be doing. my husband used behind my back for 2.5 years and when i found out i was completely and utterly shocked. a lot of things suddenly made sense though – mood swings, avoiding me and sleeping late etc.
it really did knock me for six though. i had a bit of a breakdown and have since been diagnosed with ptsd. i was on sleeping tablets and anti depressants for a few months but now almost one year on, I’m feeling a bit better. i have been doing talking therapy too, which helps.
are you coping okay? also is your husband managing to stop or donyou think he might need extra support? cocaine is a very difficult drug to quit.
we’re all here in more or less the same boat so feel free to come on and ask us anything or even just vent.
xx
Aw it’s very sad that he has missed out, but it’s good that you have your daughter to focus on. My oldest two kids had a pair of completely dysfunctional fathers and i have to say that my main view as far as that is concerned is that it was their loss, not ours. I experienced every bit of the joy and pride. My two have grown into fine young adults and are largely unscathed by the paternal abandonment. It’s how we deal with it that keeps them healthy. I can also report that both of them have intermittent contact with their fathers, and are able to see them for their flaws and deal with it mentally.
My situation with my husband was that following a stressful couple of years his behaviour suddenly began to deteriorate. He had always had a bit of a temper but was never heartless. The main stressor was him going into partnership of his company in 2016. His workload was immense and random and potentially 7 days a week. It was awful and obviously affected his mental health.
We also moved house which he couldn’t really cope with – despite me doing 99% of the work.
I know this is controversial but we’ve always been involved in the underground music scene and have used party drugs together. While away from the family home etc. Never around the kids and always together.
One weekend away back on 2018 a few months after moving house we finally got away to a festival. He brought some coke. We got called back early because he had to work and pocketed the drugs. That’s how it started! Sneaking a little bit here and there behind my back. His behaviour went off the scale and his drinking was insane. I assumed it was stress of work turning him to drink. It never even crossed my mind that he was using cocaine. I jumped through absolute hoops trying to ease the stress and be a supportive wife. Durrr!
Over lockdown he terrorised me to the point where i wanted to die. He didn’t care. On some occasions i did wonder if he was on something because his behaviour was so utterly crazy- he denied it!
Somehow we made it through 2020 and it calmed down slightly, though he still was unbelievably volatile.
The shock came that his partner caught him buying the drugs and one saturday last February it all fell in on us all. Obviously i didn’t expect he would do as well as he has – ive read stories.
Basically i think he was on the tipping point where much further he might not have got back.
So… his partner wanted to kill him and close the business. I begged him to give my husband a single chance. My husband expected me to help him.. some cheek huh? but i said No! I’m for the kids and you sort this or we’re off.
He was coming out with oh… I’ll shut the business and we’ll sell the house and start afresh with a flat!! I told him that nope… if we have to leave the family home and turn the kids upside down i will be going it alone from that point.
I rang the ca that morning basically in shock and despair, and they called him back and then his soon to be sponsor started ringing him a few times a day.
He started online meetings that weekend and had his first face to face the tuesday. They do feel a bit like a religious cult but addicts need that. He did his 12 steps and has changed his life completely.
He wanted out but the drugs were blinding him to everything but more drugs. He took the lifeline with both hands.
i hope he never lets go.
i think the shock of being caught and seeing everything he loves hanging over the precipice cut through the drug haze.
maybe your husband will lose that veil long enough for you to break in xxx
hi bella,
welcome to our conversation and I’m sorry you too have found yourself in this horrible corner.
it sounds as if he’s spending time with other users because he knows he can be more open about his drug use…. they may well be addicts or teetering on the brink of addiction themselves..
if you’re anything like me you will disapprove of their drug use and so they will hide it from us.
unfortunately these drugs do change their personality when they are constantly using them.
I’m sorry that after 26 years you are going through this. we have been together 18 years and it was the worst shock I’ve ever had discovering what my husband had been doing behind my back.
x
hi red fox
i saw your post and although i know you haven’t put it up for sympathy, i still wanted to let you know that i can completely sympathise with your dire situation. how utterly heartbreaking and lonely for you.
i also wanted to send you a big hug x
i totally identify with the feelings of guilt too,. it’s not our fault but we still feel so responsible for how these addicts affect our children’s lives. it’s a cruel, cruel disease. we’re the ones left to deal with the outfall and we’re hurting too.
in terms of why they can turn their backs like this… who can ever really understand it other than to know that this drug affects their brains and pushes all other love out of their hearts. it’s not them any more, just a shell. why anyone would want to go down that road is the million dollar question. but not many addicts set out to become addicted. they slip into it. and once it’s in, it disrupts their normal thinking completely. what a tragedy to throw away your own life in such a way.
my husband is almost 11 months clean and when he was in active addiction i had no idea he was using drugs, just that somehow the man i loved since 2003 had become heartless and cold and cruel. he was using for just under 2.5 years before it caught up with him, but he wanted out. still though he didn’t do jack **** to get out. he was paralysed in the horrible circle of using. thank god he got caught and the ca threw him a lifeline! he still can’t really explain it all though and feels huge guilt and shame.
i hope you have a good support circle at home. i have 4 kids too and it’s hard enough without contending with all this emotional hardship.
xx
i have to say ash that you’re a very brave woman, braver than me as the day i found out it was a case of you got yourself (and all of us who love you) into this mess and you can sort this now, yourself. I’ll be there to a point but it’s your responsibility. I then rang the ca and passed his details and they got in touch that day. his first meeting was the next day online. i insisted on daily then weekend drug tests and could not have lived another second with him on that stuff. thanks to ca being such an amazing organisation he has turned his life around. they teach them and remind them that their behaviour is the problem, not just the drugs. drugs are a small part of it on some ways.
you are very brave to have tolerated so much in the name of family.
I’m glad i stuck by my husband in a lot of ways, but like you… if i knew then what i know now things would have been very different.. and if kids weren’t involved id have immediately run to the opposite end of the earth.
but we are where we are and it’s an ongoing process dealing with the outfall and clawing our own selves back out from the wreckage.
i dreamed the other night i was trapped under a garage door and the water was rising, i managed to just get out in time. no prizes for working out thst meaning.
lindyloo, thank you for your posting… I’ve read a fair few posts here and can’t imagine how desperate it must feel to see your child in the grip of this addiction. thank goodness for ca xx
gosh debbie, that’s a hell of a breakthrough there, if he is starting to admit there’s a problem. giving up might not be so easy though, that drug has a very strong grip.. do you think he might try getting into ca? he might not manage to stop on his own x
yes you can make contact by telephone and then they can help you find a way forwards.
there are meetings all the time online, as well as regular face to face.. you don’t even have to speak or put your camera on.. just listen in at first and see how you feel.
my husband was in denial right to the bitter end and didn’t think he was doing any harm etc, but deep down he knew he was and when i found out everything fell into place as it’s not easy living with someone who is continually taking this drug.
i should also say ca is completely 100% confidential so you don’t need to worry about everyone finding out.
i wish you luck as it’s a difficult situation you have got into but there is a way out.
hi debbie,
i was thinking about your situation and that you were surprised he didn’t care how upset he had made you.. this will sound a bit brutal but from my experience they couldn’t care less about our feelings… my husband was absolutely and completely heartless throughout active addiction, he looked at me like he hated me and speaking to him now, in that frame of mind he was in.. he did hate me at that time. he made me want to die, and he knew it, and he couldn’t give a shit…. he just wanted me to shut up and go away so he could use…. if anything the more upset i was the more he hated me and used that as an excuse to take more drugs… he didn’t care about my feelings, he didn’t care about the kids feelings either… it took months for him being completely clean to really start to acknowledge all this too… months and months.. the drugs make them into a heartless shell of a person… this is the reality of loving an addict… it’s horrible and ugly and painful… sorry to be so brutal x
aw thanks , I’ll take a look.
my husband and i have had a great many deep conversations about it all and i think i understand as much as he does, yet he doesn’t fully understand his behaviour himself either. It’s crazy really. I can up to a point understand why in a relationship one person might hurt the other, but his kids got hurt too and i know it eats him up having wasted their precious years doing drugs. he is making up for it now though thankfully.
xxx
Unfortunately the more you help them, the less responsible they become for their own actions.
We clear up their messes.
They only will stop when they decide to stop. Some never stop. I’m one of the *lucky* ones. It’s always going to loom over me though, potentially waiting to pounce. If it does, im ready!