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funny how we feel embarrassed when we wouldn’t need to check them if they didn’t lie to us and take these drugs!!! i was too!
I’m so sorry as it sounds like your husband isn’t ready to face up to things at this point, it’s hard to explain how frightening it feels to be on this side of things and i too feel so distressed when i think or talk about anything that has happened because of what my husband has been doing.
we do talk about it though, and i feel he is being honest – partly because i can see that he is as distressed by it all as i am plus he knows he’s done this.
as soon as i found out i gave him the ultimatum… sort it out or we are through. i won’t break that boundary and i pray it never comes to that…but i will not allow my kids exposed to that shit ever again.
he did want to change though. i contacted ca and they threw him a lifeline. the change can’t be forced on them.
i hope you can find the strength to get through and find peace x
oh sal, that’s so sad.. he really is very deep in this by the sounds of it… and as you know there is nothing you can do to help him other than lovingly detatch.
it doesn’t hurt any less though.
take time and be kind tk yourself x
hi sal, i saw that you’ve had to end the relationship after all. I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m also really glad that you are putting your needs first.
i think you’re really brave and hope you have good support around you while you can heal from this heartbreak.
good luck for the future and hopefully you one day meet someone worthy of you and can fulfill your dreams of having a family x
hi debbie,
when my husband got found out in feb this year he told all sorts of nonsense to try and get out of it. they are lying to themselves as much as everyone else. they are not even in their right minds as they are either up, down or trying to work out how/when they next can get high. you have my utmost sympathy.
in the early days i made my husband drug test, for me it was the only way i could believe anything at all from him. gradually i saw him change back to a sober state. it took at least a month really as the main effects are quick but there is a range of longer effects like insomnia and exhaustion, moodiness and paranoia etc. i recommend reading up massively. it hurts thinking about it all but it’s the only way to really understand what they’re going through.
do you think he really wants to stop? or is he just saying what you want to hear? it sounds a bit like something my husband said… whenever anything happened if he used it was like a reset.. mainly if we argued he would use and then not give a shit… it makes them unfeeling and empty.
for me him using again would be a dealbreaker, i think you have to decide what limits you have for your life and be prepared to stand up for your boundaries.
as I’ve said before this life is very difficult and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone x
I see this post got active again! i haven’t been on for a while, i don’t know about others but sometimes i find it very triggering, especially when it is a person who is suffering from addiction rather than people like me who suffer with seeing a loved one afflicted with this horrible condition.
It all reminds me how hard this life is.
But at the same time reminds me how lucky i am that my husband is still doing okay. We’re soldiering on and he’s horrified at what he’s done and i feel a bit of trust growing now.
I can totally recommend getting talking therapy, it’s very hard work and sometimes i feel like not going but ive suffered from many difficult things over my life. I’ve done 20 sessions and we’ve barely started. But being able to talk to someone without feeling like you are burdening them is really good. They help you identify how you feel and why. I was very sad last week as I’m dreading xmas, she helped me find a few positives and I’m holding on for dear life.
I’m so, so lucky as my husband is repairing his damaged relationships with our kids and I’m so sorry for those of us who aren’t so fortunate. Sal98, i see what you wrote and just wanted to send hugs really, i don’t blame you for being down. The trust has to be there and if we can’t trust the small parts how can we know where it will end. I hope you can get through this but it does sound as if he’s making the right moves.
Always in the back of my mind is this: Am i stupid to trust this man again? Is he genuine, or am i seeing what i want to see? Is he just saying a the right things to get me off his back and go back to the dark side?
I dread catching him in a lie, i caught many in the early days of him trying to damage limit. I warned him then it’s making him look like a total idiot expecting me to trust him again. This was when it all came out and he tried to pretend it wasn’t that bad. It was very bad indeed though, not the worst i read on here, but I think he was teetering on the edge of no return really.
If i catch him lying ever again the trust I’m starting to find will evaporate.
I hope you are okay.
xxx
hi ben, i strongly recommend you contact cocaine anonymous uk. the hardest part is realising things are out of control and you have clearly done that. it might seem impossible to believe but they really can help, and will. good luck.
My advixe here is harsh:
Run, run, run. Don’t stop. Don’t look back. Be clear… tell him you are leaving because this life is not a life worth living. You can’t make him get help. The more you try to help him, the less capable he becomes of helping himself.
If you leave and he gets better you can revisit the relationship.
Your heart is breaking over and over while you are stuck there being hurt over and over. He is using you and unfortunately you are enabling him by saving him from himself.
It’s a horrific and devastating feeling but when in active addiction their brains are not functioning like yours or mine. The drugs are all they see or hear.
It’s an illness sure enough but recovery is a choice, one only the addict can make.
If your partner is willing, get them in to ca/na/aa. They are a friendly and welcoming bunch.
CA saved our family. But only because my husband was willing and put in the work. They are amazing.
Good luck and please get support because this life is incredibly difficult.
x
Hi Nirvana,
Difficult though it is for me to read your story, i also hold some sympathy with your situation. I feel from what you read that you know you are not on a good path.
My husband thought he was coping fine but really everything around him was falling apart and the drugs and drink blinded him to the truth.
I won’t lecture you on the obvious fact of how very wrong it is to have large amounts of drugs in the house with your children, and use them when they are at home. You know you risk losing them if the authorities found out.
All i can suggest is that if you’re really looking for a way out then please try getting in touch with CAUK. That’s cocaine anonymous. They will not judge you and it’s down to them that my husband got clean and has turned things around.
From what you say you want out and i wish you all the best with that.
I have to say thought it’s the lying that has hurt me most about my own personal situation, so i advise you to find a way to tell the truth to your husband.
yes, we’re all on our own journeys and it’s a comfort to know that we are not quite as alone as we feel.
take care of yourself chellou and remember you owe yourself and your kids more than you owe him x ????
Absolutely ???? ????
Nobody other than me and my husband know how bad things really have been, and id be ashamed if they did. I haven’t even worked up the courage to even tell my counsellor yet. I feel stupid for not leaving before. But now he’s changed it does feel exactly as you say … we’re the bad ones. However.. I’ve warned my husband if i still feel this shit in another year or so, I’m going. Our kids will be fully teenagers by then and they’ll cope. As I’ve told him numerous times now HE made the decision to throw everything away already, when he decided to start taking the drugs. He knew then it was wrong and he made his choice. It’s not my doing, it’s 100% on him. Frankly, id never have even given him the time of day if i knew he’d do such dreadful things as he has. I pity my kids that i inflicted this father on them. And i hate him for letting them down.
I don’t even know if he might fall off the wagon by then .. which is another thing that probably stops us having full feelings for them.
Self-preservation.
I do love him still, and i hate him too. It’s like literally being ripped in teo.
For me it all depends on how he behaves… if he can remain a reformed character for at least as long as he was on the drugs (1000 days) then i can see that my trust might go from minus 200 million to around 3%. However, at this point i don’t have much faith, and have warned him so.
The way i see it… if i kick him out there is zero chance of getting where we were supposed to be. If he stays there’s a slim chance and so I’ll take it. For the kids too. I know how much they’ll hurt if he goes. Plus i want my dreams back.
I’m a total mess anyway at the moment and am more reliant on him than I’ve ever been on anyone. I’ve got really severe ptsd and my memory is completely wrecked, plus barely sleeping and every day is constant flashbacks and horrible intrusive thoughts. It’s all i can do to hold it together for my kids. It’s actually doing him a world of good to be forced to step up to the plate instead of me carrying everything and everyone, as i have done forcall these years.
That said … i sometimes think it would be a lot easier to just draw a line, kick him out and stamp the whole marriage as a load of rubbish. It’s the staying and living with it that rips me apart. But… my dreams and our plans.. and the kids feelings.
I have to hang on and see if things improve.
Chellou… if you’re dead set that things are over and you can move on, then all power to you!!! But I’d say be careful that you’re really certain. The grass always does seem greener x
me neither, i absolutely hate it ????
sorry… maybe that sounded unhelpful… if you’ve gone over the health risks and how it’s making you feel and she doesn’t seem to care then you may need to issue an ultimatum and be prepared to stick to it.
For me if he touches that crap again we’re through. No question about it.
My kids welfare trumps anything and everything else.
Oh gosh… sadly there is not a lot you can do if she’s not interested in changing, it has to come from the person with the substance disorder.
I hope you’re okay, when i found out i was in a terrible state. It’s a horrible feeling being lied to for so long.
We have to look after ourselves in these circumstances.
I totally feel you… i personally don’t want to be some kind of poster girl for surviving my husband’s horrible behaviour, yet i don’t want to throw away our potential. I hate this place we’re in… full of hurt, anger and fear of the future, yet chucking everything away if he can be a good husband and father seems like throwing the baby out with the bath water!!! We are where we are..
I’m worried your husband has swapped alcohol in now as his crutch. Has he done the 12 steps? My husband has gone through them and it has completely opened his eyes to how horribly he’s treated most people his whole life. That’s his disease… chronic self-centredness. He’s a changed man at the moment, hopefully will stay that way, for the kids sake at least. He finds work stressful and took it out on us, then turned to drugs. Now he seems to appreciate how lucky he is.
But yes… i am really angry, hurt and disappointed. The magic has definitely gone… i hope it returns..