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Hi Paul just wanted to say that what you said about the disappearing acts being emotional blackmail to keep us worried has been like a lightbulb switched on for me and made me totally see what’s been happening to me for years – I can see now you’ve said that it’s a kind of control where I’m constantly anxious about him and he enjoys it. My partner also never ever thinks of the consequences. Thanks for the good advice on here!
Hi Jenna, so sorry you’re going through this, such a shock to find out especially when you’ve not been married long. I guess things depend slightly on how much and how often he’s doing it and how long it’s been going on for – he may not be very open about that information though… there are positive stories on here but as you say a lot of bad ones too. I was in a similar situation to you, really wanted a baby and was maybe a bit blind to what was happening because of that – safe to say it hasn’t been an easy 5 years as things got a lot worse once I was pregnant – if I knew what I know now when I first found out he had a coke problem I would have split up with him straight away (except I could never think that cos of our son). But mine had a secret life long drug problem so hopefully that’s not the case for you and there’s s more positive outlook. Oh and I paid for therapy but turned out he spent the money on coke and didn’t go so that didn’t work too well! x
Hi qwerty, sorry to hear about your situation. I know the feeling well, my partner/maybe ex now has denied it til he’s blue in the face even when confronted with the evidence. If he’s totally backed into a corner then he will admit the bare minimum and then make sure he doesn’t get caught in the same way again…. Very draining and makes it impossible to move on when they can’t be honest. I know he’s lied to my face so many times now that unfortunately I struggle to believe a word he says. I think it is very common for them to deny it, especially when they aren’t ready to stop/can’t admit there is a problem. My advice would be put yourself first and do what is best for you xx
Hi purpleheart, just saw your post, hope you’re doing ok – as good as you can in the circumstances. Mine hasn’t got anywhere near that stage so I’m not sure what I would do either, he hasn’t seen the kids without me being there so far….do you think he’s likely to get sorted and get his own place in the foreseeable future?? Would you trust him not to do it when the kids were with him? Has he seen much of them since he left? Sometimes mine turns up and other times I don’t hear from him. Can u believe he even missed his son’s birthday. Hope you are feeling ok-ish about everything xx
Hi Triumph, sorry to hear you are going through this – reading your post reminded me exactly of how I feel/felt – the lies are definitely the worst. I would love to get to a point where we can get the trust back but it’s not going to be easy. Like you said I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. My partner is hopefully getting into NHS rehab – is your partner on the waiting list? I have asked my partner to move out as I couldn’t take it anymore as it was making physically ill with the stress of it – but I know that’s not right for everyone. Sorry I don’t have any advice as such but just wanted to let you know I know how you are feeling. Take care x
Sending hugs Bellapop xx it’s not right that he’s treating you like this whatever his reason might be, it’s not your fault he got addicted to coke and you’ve stood by him and supported him. Do you think he could be depressed? I think it’s quite common when people stop taking it, maybe anti depressants could help xx
Hi Vivvie, I have just read your story – I don’t know what to say but wanted to reply, it’s not fair you have had to deal with this all this time, it must have been so hard. I really hope you can make sometime for yourself and start putting yourself first. I’m sure your brother does care for you but the drugs always come first don’t they unfortunately xx
Hi Bellapop, so sorry he is acting like this, know exactly what it’s like – it’s awful having an atmosphere like that at home. I was thinking the same as purpleheart – are you sure he hasn’t been secretly either drinking or on the coke?? When I tested I found he was pretty much constantly positive despite denying doing anything and also subsequently found lots of empty bottles hidden away. Either way though it’s not acceptable to make your life a misery like this. Sending hugs and hoping he gets his act together…
Hope things are going ok purpleheart – I guess it will be a long process for you but sure it will be worth it in the end when you can have some peace
Hi Vivvie, totally agree with everything you said about it needing to come from them – waiting for my partner (or maybe ex who knows) to manage to do that. It’s hard not to help someone and I guess a lot harder when it’s your family so I wouldn’t beat yourself up over helping your brother – it’s human nature at the end of the day and we can only do our best
Xx
Hi Lse, just wanted to respond and say I totally know how you feel and have been in your situation. It’s so difficult and it makes me feel anxious even thinking back now….we had the find my phone thing on and I didn’t look until things started to happen that didn’t add up and then sure enough he kept not being where he said he was and then I worked out he was relapsing. My heart sank it’s the worst feeling isn’t it. I don’t know if you live together but I asked him to leave eventually and then maybe a month after that I turned the tracker thing off as he was then getting really paranoid on the crack and checking up on me all the time at work. Have to say I feel much better now it’s not on and I used to do his banking as well (he’s blocked me now) so it was like seeing it all happening with the money going out and then trips to pick up. Now I don’t know what he’s doing but I feel much less anxious, it made me feel ill – so I guess from my experience I would say trust your instincts, you don’t need a tracker to know when he’s doing drugs and lying to you. I did the testing too but he found a way to get round it and then I was secretly testing and they were all positive – I was going mad like a crazy detective woman and he was finding more and more inventive ways to lie, he deleted all call logs and texts but I saw a text as it came through when I was next to his phone saying fancy a smoke. Its understandable you want to help him, I was the same, but short of locking them in a room indefinitely it’s impossible to stop them and it will totally drain you trying to, it has to come from them, easier said than done when you love and care for someone though. Well done to you for getting away from the drugs yourself (think you said you used to be on them?) -How did you manage to stop? Make sure you look after yourself and don’t get dragged into it all x
It’s hard not to get dragged into it when they are acting like that – very draining. He’s ok when he’s not doing it but when he’s on it he will be wanting to FaceTime and I know it’s to check up on me but I don’t want to answer even though I’ll be doing something totally innocent with a friend or at work cos I know he’ll be acting weird and it’s embarrassing then that makes him worse, can’t win x
We have this every time a helicopter is anywhere near! I’m like really do you think it’s likely they are looking for you?? Also thought a car outside was a plant with a camera inside – it was my neighbour’s car!
Oh no, so sorry! It does sound like you have done the right thing to ask him to leave and tell your parents as he is not respecting your boundaries at all- it’s not on doing it in your parents house – you all need to be able to sleep without worrying what he’s up to all night wandering round off his head. How come you called the police would he not leave? Hope everything ok x