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That sounds like a good sign that he’s logging on to CA – he obviously knows he has a problem so definitely a positive although as we all know that doesn’t mean they can actually stop! I hope this weekend goes well do you and he sticks to it, I’m on a family holiday without him as didn’t want someone on a big come down being moody and tired, it’s weird without him and I keep getting emotional but then I remember the reality of what it would be like and feel a bit better xxx
Hi Purpleheart, oh no so sorry to hear all of that and we’ve had a few holidays like that where he’s been miserable and moody the whole time too – they don’t realise the impact they are having on everyone around them. Such a sad situation but pleased for you that you are making a break, it’s never-ending otherwise and at least you will have a calm environment for you and the kids – the way umm looking at it is if he does manage to stop long term (he’s been clean for months at a time before so would need to be much longer before I would be confident) then he can be part of the family and coke on holidays and come over regularly and maybe stay sometimes but I just can’t see ever wanting to live together again as I feel it’s too much of a risk for me and mainly the kids…. I can’t have our happiness all dependent on whether he has the willpower to stay off it, especially when he has never ever come clean and told me about it, I’ve always had to work it out….
I hope the process of selling and moving isn’t too awful for you and you can enjoy your fresh start xxx
So sorry Navy it is just the worst situation isn’t it when they are with you but not really there, I miss the ‘real’ him I wish I could have him back and a guarantee of no more drugs xx do you think he will get help? I hope you are managing to look after yourself and have someone to talk to??
Hi purpleheart – how are things with you? Hopefully not too stressful at the moment? Mine is still not here, he has had a couple of crazy binges since leaving for over a week at a time non stop, suicidal messages, paranoia etc, it’s been horrendous, currently seems ok and I have said he needs to get help himself and not rely on me to sort things (take him back, take his bank card etc been there before) which isn’t what he wants to hear but seems to be getting used to the idea and I think it’s best for him in the long run although I do still feel really guilty for not letting him come back. We are trying to get him into a detox/rehab thing but there’s a waiting list. He’s saying the right things but I find myself taking everything he says with a pinch of salt now so only time will tell…..depressing isn’t it but have to keep positive for the kids and my own sanity!
Good to hear from you xx
Hi Navy, sorry to hear about your situation, I know exactly how you feel and sometimes it’s just easier not to bring it up cos you know there will be a big argument and mine would always lie anyway so it was pointless…. I think the lies are the worst bit really as eventually there is no trust left even though you know it’s the addiction making them do it it gets hard to separate the two – I get told he doesn’t like it when I tell him I’m upset or ‘have a go at him’ as he says it doesn’t help – well it might not help him but actually not all about them is it and we’re only human and entitled to be upset when we are treated badly, hope you’re ok and things have settled down a bit xx
Hi Bellapop, so sorry to hear he has done this again, I was hoping things were going well for you guys, I know that horrible sinking feeling and total anxiety all too well every time you find out they’re back on it.
As for the how can I fix this I’ve had that too and have to say I’ve run out of patience with it – so annoying – there is lots of support out there and hopefully he can get sorted. But the main thing is you and the kids are ok and he’s not thinking of that at the moment, sorry, feeling angry on your behalf! Sending hugs xxx
It’s hard to think straight when they are being so irrational I find but I said the same, it obviously wasn’t working living here either as he was still doing it – I guess he would probably do a lot less if he was here and maybe have bigger gaps of being clean but it’s not really sorting out the underlying issues, just taking the easy option of putting the responsibility into us. I just can’t risk another relapse while he’s living here, especially with kids. I actually think if he sobered up for long enough then he wouldn’t even be saying he should come back so the fact he’s still talking about it makes me realise he is definitely not thinking straight… so sad though isn’t it. He just can’t stop taking it now and I don’t know how it’s going to end… I’m trying to get him into a detox place so maybe that will help.
Sounds like we are both at the same point with them! How do you feel day to day? Is he in touch?
Hi affectedpartner, I just wanted to reply as your story is very similar to mine – I have asked my partner to leave and he is saying exactly the same as yours – the only thing that will make him better is coming back to live with us – so hard, I felt so guilty at first but as times gone on I am trying to be stronger and think rationally, he needs to sort himself out, not have me do it for him- in the meantime he is taking drugs pretty much constantly now and I don’t know how he’s still going physically or mentally – such a horrible situation and sorry you are in it too! x
Hi Zeze, there is a post on here under Share your story called Theresa and there are lots of parents on that going through a similar thing. You’re definitely not alone and I’m sure you will find some support on here.
Take care xx
Would you ask him to move out or do you think that would make you more stressed at the moment? Best to do whatever’s going to be easiest to deal with and make sure you and baby are ok xx
Hi ctip, he is getting professional help now but while he was still living here he told me he made the calls but I’ve since found out he didn’t – I won’t have him back living here now unless I can see he’s making progress long term with recovery and keeping up with the meetings…. I don’t really know if I will ever get to that point but one day at a time I guess….I’d like to stay together but I’m just not sure about living together again. It feels like too much of a risk to go back to all the anxiety again.
He would do anything for our son and I think that’s what’s keeping him going at the moment.
I really hope your partner manages to get clean and you never know the new baby might be the motivation he needs – but prepare yourself for a rocky road ahead I think and think what you are prepared to put up if he’s living with you as you and the kids need to come first xx
Hi ssw, sounds similar with the family situation – maybe that’s part of the reason they end up doing it in the first place cos they don’t have that family support (although lots of people do and still end up on it). He had nowhere to go but luckily found somewhere which is ok and seems he can stay for a while. I guess they are more resourceful than we think when they have to be. He actually slept in his car at the end of the road for about a week in the past though and the neighbours took him out coffee – but embarrassing really but I’ve moved now thankfully lol. I feel better in some ways as no more constant anxiety and wondering if I’m being lied to, but in other ways i feel terrible cos I think should I have given him more of a chance to sort himself out – but I’ve been here before and I guess I just got to a point where I couldn’t go through it with him again – I hope I’m doing the right thing and I think if he wants to stop long term he needs to do it himself without me setting lots of rules and taking his bank card etc…
As far as I know he has never cheated and I’ve never seen any evidence of messaging girls – he’s all about the drugs once he’s on it so would imagine the only reason he’d be thinking of messaging girls would be if they had something he wanted like a place to stay or more drugs…. I can’t say hand on heart he never has because he has lied about so many other things. If I found out he did though I think that would be it as I couldn’t deal with that on top of everything else….it may be because of the drugs but it still happened – I think they think that everything that happens while they are drinking/on drugs should immediately be forgotten once they stop but it’s just not that easy is it….
As much as you want to help I think you have to look after yourself first…it’s taken me almost 6 years of ups and downs and relapses to get to a point where I just can’t do it again though.
I would be very reluctant to just hope for the best he can do it without some professional help tbh but that’s just base on my personal experience.
Xx
His ssw, totally get what you mean and I couldn’t just forget it all in the end and this time it only went on for 2 months so I can imagine after 3 years it would be very difficult.
My problem is that, even if he stopped (which he did say he had) I then didn’t trust him at all due to all the lies and he wasn’t willing to talk about it and felt like I was attaching him – I think if he’d had a bit more appreciation of the impact on me it would have been different…. It does sound like your partner really crossed the line with the things he said and did – do you think he’s genuinely remorseful now??
If he goes to CA or NA then that’s nothing to do with social services. It’s not automatic anyway but agree I would think it’s a risk if you go to the GP depending on what they are like and what’s said. Having said that my partner’s GP knows all about it and nothing’s been said.
He probably thinks he doesn’t need any help as maybe he’s not tried to give up before but that’s what my partner thought too but eventually after a life of relapses I’m hoping he finally realises he does.
Xx
Hi Ctip, so sorry you are having to deal with this while pregnant, I hope you are managing to look after yourself in all this and not stress too much (easier said than done I know). The same happened to me – our son’s 3.5 now. It’s such a shame that the addiction takes over when you can see how much they want that family life and have so much love to give. Mine is an amazing dad when he can stay off the drink and drugs.
I’m glad you have a supportive family. Mine slept all the way through my labour as he’d been on the drugs and kept asking the midwives how long it was going to go on for! They got so annoyed with him at one point they almost threw him out. He then pressurised me to go home with the baby before I was ready as he couldn’t deal with being at the hospital – so, make sure you have another person there to actually support you just in case would be my advice.
We’ve had amazing times like you’ve said – perfect and lovely family life, and terrible times (binges, he got sectioned, vanishing for days) since then. I’m now insisting he gets professional help and does the recovery ‘steps’ at NA before he can come back after the latest relapse but I feel terrible as him and our son have such a strong bond.
I’m here if you need to chat about things – it’s such a hard situation, especially with the pregnancy hormones thrown in I found! xx
Hi ssw, so sorry to hear your story, you must be totally in shock. My story’s similar in some ways although I found out sooner initially but he has then repeatedly had slip ups (one night of vanishing, no contact, then lots of remorse) and two major relapses in the last 5 years. In between I have had varying degrees of anxiety waiting/hoping it’s not going to happen again. I totally relate to the horrible gaslighting nasty attitude you get and the lies – awful! Whilst you know it’s the drugs making them like that it does become increasingly hard to forgive and forget, and the longer that behaviour goes on in my experience, the more of an impact it has on you and your well-being – I don’t know if I’ll be able to get past the last relapse and I’ve asked him to move out while we try and sort things although now feel terrible and unsupportive so who knows.
I would say he definitely should get professional help. Daily use for that length of time will be very hard to stop long term. Great news that he’s made the first step though and is making some positive changes with his job – it is literally everywhere though unfortunately – very hard to avoid. My partner has tried to do it on his own and has had success for short periods by avoiding everything and staying home, me having his bank card etc but long term they need to address the deeper issues which is what I hope he will do now. Cocaine Anonymous are great and have a number he could call for advice as well as meetings, Narcotics Anonymous also an option. I have come to the conclusion that going to the meetings and doing the ‘steps’ to recovery is essential to keep off it so I’m insisting on that this time before I even think about him moving back in.
We’ve got kids too so totally get it’s much more complicated. Have you thought about talking to someone yourself about how it’s impacted you? It’s a lot to deal with. Adfam and Icarus Trust have support for families.
Sending positive vibes your way xx
Hi there, hope you’re doing ok, felt like I should comment as I also think my partner was smoking crack in the garage or at least occasionally, normally just coke and drinking. I made the decision he had to go as the trust was gone, it’s early days so who knows what will happen we’re just taking it day by day, but I would say that if something bad is going to happen to your partner it is going to happen whether you are there or not. It sounds like you have been very understanding so far but make sure you are looking after yourself in all this – it’s no fun being around someone when they’re doing that, I found just being in the same house as him totally draining x