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Hi kthendrie, you’re definitely not alone xxx
What’s your situation? Is it drinking and/or drugs that are the problem for him?
Hope you have a better day today xx
Hi ladies, and hi rayzy, I typed a post yesterday but I got distracted with the kids and didn’t send it but it basically said everything bellapop had said! Have you heard from him at all?? Very frustrating when their own family don’t see the problem, I have the same with my partner’s son, he just doesn’t seem to get how serious it is but I suppose he’s been dealing with it his whole life so not really his responsibility….
That all sounds really positive bellapop I’ve got everything crossed for you both xxx do you think he could get a diagnosis for adhd and get some meds?? I know of quite a few people where this has made a massive difference as they don’t need to self medicate?
I don’t really have much of an update except still no contact. I’m having to put it out of my mind as things are so full on with work and the kids etc but I’ve got time off over the summer holidays so I think it will hit me then. The crack isn’t a new thing but it’s been a couple of years since he did it to my knowledge, not since our son was a baby and it didn’t end well that time at all as he got sectioned. I’m just bracing myself for whatever’s next…to be honest it’s so awful I just can’t think about it. Life goes on the doesn’t it and when you have kids you just have to get on with it which is a good thing I think.
Hoping you both have a good stress free day xxxx
It’s so tempting to be happy again and give it another go, I’ve done it many a time so no judgement here! I’m really pleased at least he’s saying the right things and have my fingers crossed for you that he can start on the road to recovery now. Will he go to meetings? It’s easy for other people to judge but you have to do what’s right for you and your family.
The tension is so draining isn’t it purpleheart. At least I don’t have any of that at the moment. I feel better than yesterday as just distracted myself with work which has helped. He’s in full on melt down to the point I’m worried about him making it though in one piece – he’s very depressed in any messages he sends but then you would be wouldn’t you, I said let me help and find you somewhere to stay but he won’t let me and is spending so much money (his) it’s making me feel sick to think about it. He’ll run out in a few days. I think he must be smoking crack somewhere…..
xxxx
Hi ladies bellapop and purpleheart, hope you both had good days? I was really busy with work which was a good distraction – he didn’t show up today and isn’t picking up the phone, still worried sick but I can’t do anything now until he gets in touch. Did your husband come over bellapop? xxx
I think it’s a grieving process and it’s our brains tricking us into forgetting a lot of the bad stuff. Have you heard anymore tonight?
Well he seems absolutely fine on the texts just giving me lists of things he needs so he’s definitely doing it and will then feel even worse. He says he’s coming round to see our son tomorrow so will see how that goes I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold it together…. Oh I know what you mean about the bins, I was crying over the washing up as he normally does it so that set me off again. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, I’m going to try now and no doubt lie here for hours on end!
I guess they can be great husbands and fathers but also addicts, and in active addiction that overshadows everything and takes away the lovely qualities we know they have underneath – they’re still there somewhere but it’s only them can make the choice to start getting better – I really hope for your husband maybe this is the start of a journey for him which will probably get worse before it gets better but may be the thing that makes him get clean eventually if he gets to whatever rock bottom looks like.
Tomorrow’s a new day and I hope we both wake up feeling stronger, sending lots of positive vibes your way xxx
Stay strong bellapop, I can tell you’re a strong person and you will get through this with or without him xxx I’ve got the same thoughts and questions running through my head. I think we have both done the right thing though and I really hope that they both make some better choices over the next few days/weeks for the sake of everyone – it’s out of our hands now that’s the scariest thing isn’t it. What do you do when they’re gone and you’ve spent your whole life worrying about them, doing things for them, checking up on them? I think it’s called codependency I haven’t read about it but I might Google it later. You can do this bellapop and please don’t think you haven’t been supportive, there’s only so much you can do without it impacting on you and the kids – you’re not running a drug rehab centre you’re human and you have done your best in a horrible situation xxxx
Sorry you’ve had a stressful day purpleheart xx it’s crazy how much money they can get through isn’t it – I’ve just transferred him all his savings which is upsetting cos he’s spent ages getting that together and presumably is now going to blow it. Will you be able to stop him remortgaging if he decides he wants to?? Do you see what he’s spending? I have to do everything for mine so do all his banking and see it all that’s how I found out this time he was back on it….
Do you find he’s in a bad mood when he’s done it or when it’s wearing off?? I was never too sure but I think maybe both – not sure how that can be enjoyable as it certainly doesn’t look it.
Hope you manage to have an ok evening despite the moodiness xxx
I really feel for you, I am feeling the same as you to be honest, I was feeling really strong earlier but since he called me crying I’ve just been crying. But the alleyway text I can tell he’s done some more as it’s really cold with no emotion like you’re saying about your husband when he came round, that’s how it makes them but we have to deal with the reality of it and all the consequences.
That’s good you have told people – have they been supportive? It’s horrible keeping it to yourself. I’m so sorry you’ve had to tell your kids though – what have you told them? I hope they are ok? Our 3 year old is confused, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it. I can’t help but think it’s my fault I shouldn’t have told him to go.
It’s not out of character for when he’s been doing stuff, he’s a different person and I don’t feel like I know him, I dread to think what he’s doing I just hope nothing stupid I’m really worried as he doesn’t have a great track record for coping in these situations. I just wish none of this had happened! xxx
Oh no Bellapop I’m sorry xx I’ve literally just had a text too saying pack his stuff and leave it in the alleyway but when I spoke to him earlier he said he wanted to come and see his son tomorrow so no idea what he’s doing.
I’m so close to caving and saying just come back but a part of me is saying I’ll be back here again in a few months/years – it’s so hard to know what to do for the best isn’t it when you love them and you want them to be ok but they just can’t seem to manage it. It’s overwhelming this journey isn’t it.
How was he when he came round? Did he seem like he’s been taking it? I hate drugs so much they are so evil and cocaine is definitely one of the worst.
Sending hugs bellapop and hope you’re ok too Purpleheart, as much as I don’t want anyone to go through this, it is some comfort to know we’re not alone in this xx
Well he’s just called I can tell he’s crying saying things like ‘if something happens to me’ etc so now I’m really worried and sitting here crying myself and feel like it’s all my fault, have I done the wrong thing saying he had to go?? I just wish he could sort himself out but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen xxx
Hi bellapop, I’m so sorry, I only just saw your post. I’m so angry on your behalf, I can’t believe he blocked you – it’s just unbelievable how they can switch their feelings off but that’s what it does to them unfortunately. I know it won’t help and it’s the reason in the past that I’ve kept going back, but it’s not really him talking, it’s the coke, but still it’s just not on and there’s only so many excuses you can make for them. I’m sure he feels terrible deep down but until he deals with his addiction he will just use that as a reason to do even more probably. It’s easy when you feel angry isn’t it, that’s how I’ve been but the doubts and rose tinted glasses are creeping in now, probably because I’m so tired!
Why is his mum allowing him to behave like this? Does she know what he’s doing or has he not told her the truth??
So sorry it’s come to this, maybe as a glimmer of hope, he will have a realisation of what he’s lost and that will be the wake up call he needs?? They say you have to hit rock bottom but that’s definitely different for everyone…
Hope you’re ok as can be expected, stay strong and remember none of this is your fault even if he tries to make you feel that way xxx and I did read someone else said something along the lines of, ‘you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it’ which I found a useful way to think of it.
I hope your son is feeling better xxx
Hi Purpleheart,
Yes I feel the same, it’s a relief to think about something else at work! The detective work is so draining, I have tried to say to him in the past that he should be proving to me he’s clean not the other way round but it doesn’t seem to work like that…. We were doing tests but somehow he was fixing them I don’t know how but when I tested the toilet when he hadn’t flushed it was positive-I got suspicious because sometimes he almost demanded that I test him then and there….
I’m lucky in a way as it’s my house so he will have to go if I stick to it but it’s all the other things – I feel like I’ve put 5.5 years of my life into trying to get his life on track and it will all be for nothing if I give up now, and obviously there’s our son….
It’s true it is lonely because you dont fully have them but also you put up barriers with your friends and family – I just want my life back. I should have not taken him back when I had the chance when our son was a few weeks old he got sectioned as he was secretly smoking heroin and crack – yes it can get worse- but I believed he wanted to stop and I guess I was hormonal I just wanted a family. The way I look at it is if he wasn’t there I could get a babysitter and do stuff whereas with him here I can’t rely on him but also can’t get any help so I’m just stuck!
I hope yours gets out of bed and pulls his weight! Makes you so angry doesn’t it how they can have lovely long sleeps while we’re stressing all night then up early keeping everything going.
Hope you have a good day ‘relaxing’ at work! Xxx
Hi Purpleheart, hope you are feeling ok this morning too, how are you feeling about everything today? Xxx
Hi bellapop,
I hope you managed to get some sleep and hope you did too purpleheart, I had about 4 hours so it’s going to be a long (hot) day!! I have re read your original post and can totally understand why you are feeling betrayed, he must have told so many lies over the years to cover up but thank goodness you have found out the truth eventually – they make you feel like you’re going mad with all the lies don’t they. Mine has never admitted it but time and again either I’ve found out after being suspicious and doing detective work, or he’s just vanished and not come back from trips to the shop/bike rides etc – normal routine is an apologetic text where he feels sorry for himself and I’m so relieved to have him back, I welcome him home and he’s great for a bit, then repeat! Some good times have been longer than others (mainly cos he was ill) and he is a great dad which is why I’ve stuck with it. His lies have got better each time he gets caught.
It sounds like your husband has had a problem for quite a few years which has now got to the point where he can’t even try to hide it – it’s good that he’s trying to get help – is he going to meetings CA or NA? It is likely to be a long and bumpy road whilst he tries to get sorted and unfortunately may or may not be successful. I get what you mean that maybe he’ll suddenly go back to how he was when you were happy but that will only happen if he stops taking that stuff – I’m guessing he would then realise how stupid he’s been and be trying everything he could to win you back?
Does his mum know what he’s doing and why he’s staying there?
Mine used to do this but the last slip up he’s had he just stayed in the house making our lives a misery being snappy and rude, mainly to me and I told him to go a few weeks ago but he just didn’t leave and that’s when he said he’d stop (again!). I thought it was worth a try but my heart wasn’t really in it if I’m being honest and yesterday he just seemed to flip and had a really petty argument with my son and kicked a football at him can you believe, then said ‘he started it’- I was like yes but you’re 50!!! – it’s the final straw for me but I’ve had 5 years of this rollercoaster and I have come to the conclusion it will never change and I just don’t want the rest of my life being like this as sad as that is….
I’m bracing myself for what’s going to happen next, I just hope I can stick to it this time….
Hoping you both have a good day with no dramas and, it’s Monday so we have to get on with it don’t we which is probably a good thing to keep us sane! xxx
It’s so crazy isn’t it – we are walking around like everything is ok, it’s exhausting! I thought I was ok but I can’t sleep now as so anxious he will come back – I text him to say I bolted the door but he’s unpredictable when he’s like this so now just laying here stressing!
So yours has left Purpleheart? Is he keeping in touch? It’s so hard with kids as you want to protect them from the truth and make sure they’re happy – did he just go tonight?
Bellapop I think the trust has totally gone for me now- I literally don’t believe a word he’s saying most of the time. I was secretly testing him as that was the only way to get the truth! We don’t deserve a relationship like that though!
He has no where else to go as he burnt all his bridges a long time ago (except me!).
It’s been like this from about 6 months into our relationship (before that I knew he did it but thought it was ‘recreational’ – stupid word) so 5 years now – he had a good phase and we had a baby but it got a lot worse when I was pregnant (I found out he had a lifelong drug problem) – he almost died from pneumonia (caused by drugs I think but who knows really) so there was quite a big gap where things were ‘good’ as he couldn’t leave the house but it’s been about 2 months now he’s been back on it, lying, manipulative as you both know what they’re like….
I was trying to pretend it was ok as he said he’d stop (again) but I just couldn’t forgive and forget this time and I think he sensed it so probably why we ended up arguing. If it wasn’t for our son I just wish I he never met him as horrible as that sounds. Sorry for being negative!
In the time I’ve been with him it’s been one long crazy rollercoaster actually quite unbelievable some of the things that have happened and all the time I just get up go to work get the kids sorted and act like everything’s fine!
Sending hugs to both of you and positive vibes, we deserve to be happy xxx