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Thanks Kate1. It’s tough because whatever put him in the hospital can’t be good, and that means that he’s most likely doing worse. So, I just had to let it off my chest and then buck up and keep going and living my own life. How is your son doing?
Update: he just texted me and said that they kept him in the hospital because his pulse kept racing. I guess he thinks I’m a fool, because I’m pretty sure you don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days with a racing pulse. I asked him what prompted him to go to the hospital in the first place, and now he’s gone silent. I’m sure he’s lying because he’s embarrassed or ashamed or is just lying to cover up what’s going on- none of which is good… makes me cry.
Update: he just texted me and said that they kept him in the hospital because his pulse kept racing. I guess he thinks I’m a fool, because I’m pretty sure you don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days with a racing pulse. I asked him what prompted him to go to the hospital in the first place, and now he’s gone silent. I’m sure he’s lying because he’s embarrassed or ashamed or is just lying to cover up what’s going on- none of which is good… makes me cry.
Update: he just texted me and said that they kept him in the hospital because his pulse kept racing. I guess he thinks I’m a fool, because I’m pretty sure you don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days with a racing pulse. I asked him what prompted him to go to the hospital in the first place, and now he’s gone silent. I’m sure he’s lying because he’s embarrassed or ashamed or is just lying to cover up what’s going on- none of which is good… makes me cry.
Hi Lindyloo- I wanted to reach out, I’m having a rough few days. As I’ve posted to you before, my son had asked me to not contact him because he needed to “sort himself out” and so I didn’t contact him. Of course it was tough. I didn’t talk to him for 28 days ( of course I was counting ). A week ago he texted me out of the blue to tell me that he was in the hospital. He said he was going through bad withdrawal, but that he was going to be fine- he game me no explanations. He said they were keeping him for a few days because they were checking things. He said it’s a long story. I asked him if was going to tell me this story and he said he would when he got home. He went home on Friday and then said he was too tired to talk, but that ultimately he would be fine. That’s it! I asked him when he was going to tell me what’s going on and he said after he has gotten some rest. I didn’t respond to that. I’m so angry, sad, and frustrated. You don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days over nothing. He’s had pancreatitis from drinking before. I don’t know if it’s that, or if he fell or got sick- who knows? I’ve been sad thinking that he had a moment of loneliness and thought of me. It hurts- I have a son who is in the hospital and I can’t even go see him and comfort him because of the reason he’s there. It’s terrible. And I’m so mad that out of nowhere, he contacts me to tell me he’s in the hospital and not to worry and then won’t even tell me why. I’m defeated because he’s not even mentioning the drinking or that he wants to change or anything like that. My husband, his step-dad, says, ” He’s just doing what he always does and manipulates.” Probably true, but it’s been a rough week.
Hi Kate- you and I have chatted before on Cornwallmother’s posts. I wanted to reach out, I’m having a rough few days. As I’ve posted to you before, my son had asked me to not contact him because he needed to “sort himself out” and so I didn’t contact him. Of course it was tough. I didn’t talk to him for 28 days ( of course I was counting ). A week ago he texted me out of the blue to tell me that he was in the hospital. He said he was going through bad withdrawal, but that he was going to be fine- he game me no explanations. He said they were keeping him for a few days because they were checking things. He said it’s a long story. I asked him if was going to tell me this story and he said he would when he got home. He went home on Friday and then said he was too tired to talk, but that ultimately he would be fine. That’s it! I asked him when he was going to tell me what’s going on and he said after he has gotten some rest. I didn’t respond to that. I’m so angry, sad, and frustrated. You don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days over nothing. He’s had pancreatitis from drinking before. I don’t know if it’s that, or if he fell or got sick- who knows? I’ve been sad thinking that he had a moment of loneliness and thought of me. It hurts- I have a son who is in the hospital and I can’t even go see him and comfort him because of the reason he’s there. It’s terrible. And I’m so mad that out of nowhere, he contacts me to tell me he’s in the hospital and not to worry and then won’t even tell me why. I’m defeated because he’s not even mentioning the drinking or that he wants to change or anything like that. My husband, his step-dad, says, ” He’s just doing what he always does and manipulates.” Probably true, but it’s been a rough week.
Hi Jenny- you and I have chatted before on Cornwallmother’s posts. I wanted to reach out, I’m having a rough few days. As I’ve posted to you before, my son had asked me to not contact him because he needed to “sort himself out” and so I didn’t contact him. Of course it was tough. I didn’t talk to him for 28 days ( of course I was counting ). A week ago he texted me out of the blue to tell me that he was in the hospital. He said he was going through bad withdrawal, but that he was going to be fine- he game me no explanations. He said they were keeping him for a few days because they were checking things. He said it’s a long story. I asked him if was going to tell me this story and he said he would when he got home. He went home on Friday and then said he was too tired to talk, but that ultimately he would be fine. That’s it! I asked him when he was going to tell me what’s going on and he said after he has gotten some rest. I didn’t respond to that. I’m so angry, sad, and frustrated. You don’t stay in the hospital for 5 days over nothing. He’s had pancreatitis from drinking before. I don’t know if it’s that, or if he fell or got sick- who knows? I’ve been sad thinking that he had a moment of loneliness and thought of me. It hurts- I have a son who is in the hospital and I can’t even go see him and comfort him because of the reason he’s there. It’s terrible. And I’m so mad that out of nowhere, he contacts me to tell me he’s in the hospital and not to worry and then won’t even tell me why. I’m defeated because he’s not even mentioning the drinking or that he wants to change or anything like that. My husband, his step-dad, says, ” He’s just doing what he always does and manipulates.” Probably true, but it’s been a rough week.
Thank you Lindyloo. You can read my story if you like- “Mother of an Adult Alcoholic Son” on July 24th. I never say the right thing either. And you know I think we’re saying the right things- it’s them. They don’t want any criticism or just plain pointing out to them how it really is. My son always says I’m judging him when I point out the reality of things. Yes, it’s an illness, although I believe that it is a combination of addiction and choice. I say this because they’re are many people who do get sober despite the difficulty of doing it. My son has taken advantage of me and hurt me more times than I care to say, and I still can’t turn him away even when everyone else has, including his two sisters. Right now he has isolated himself from me because he says he’s mentally working out his issues and needs to be left alone- so I have not contacted him for almost a month. It’s so unnatural. That just shows you how selfish they are. He is doing what he has to do for him, not thinking of me at all.It’s not nice to do that to a mother, who worries. I had asked him to at least send a note that he’s alive and he didn’t respond to that. He’s someone I don’t even recognize and that hurts.
I’m glad we all have each other. This is such a crazy existence, really no one else can understand.
❤
Hi- I hear you. I share your pain. My story is a 38 year old alcoholic son for the last 8-10 years. Right now he ‘s not really even talking to me. He doesn’t “need” me anymore because I don’t give him money or enable him anymore. It’s so very hard to cut them off. It makes you feel like a terrible parent, but I can tell you that all the things I’ve given him and done for him have not changed his drinking at all- it’s just prolonged it. I’m just really trying to save my own life. The toll this takes is unbearable. Big hugs to you. ❤
Kate- that’s all I want is a normal life for my son ( and me too!). My son is a very bright young man who was in the process of getting his PhD in Philosophy. He had received some scholarships and awarded conferences for his work. He was good at it. And he has drank it all away. He will not be able to finish his PhD and now he drinks because of the disappointment of that. He blames our education system that he says doesn’t support his type of degree and that our education system isn’t free, even though he was unwilling to work during his studies and lived off of the loans. Meanwhile he has accumulated a massive student debt that he most likely never be able to pay back in his lifetime which gives him anxiety so he drinks. He’s alone- he doesn’t even date. I don’t know how he would find someone to share his life with the massive debt he has. My standards for him have gotten so low, that I don’t care if he lives the rest of his life in his small apartment as long as he’s sober, paying his own way and generally content. I’d take that.
Yes, Jenny I have been so angry at my son. I have dreams of slapping him in the face over and over. I also read a lot of books, they really help me. I need to hear what other people did in this addiction situation because the scenarios I find myself in are so shocking to me. My son has experienced so many intense and dangerous things that I was convinced would be his “bottom”. I have two daughters who are living normal lives- praise God, so it can’t all be my fault. I’ve had to reach a point with him where I support him emotionally to a point and try not to enable in any way. It’s insanity sometimes how you could hate them and love them so much.
Hi Kate- I’m so sorry to hear about your son too. The unkindness after all we’ve done for them is just unbelievable! It took me a good 8-10 years to finally stop doing so much. I thought that is what loving mothers do. I haven’t given him money in a long time. I live in fear that he will become homeless too and I will have to be strong because he will have to face the consequences of his life. It’s so hard to live this life every day as their parents. When they have a good moment, we’re so relieved and remember what it feels like to breathe and live like normal people. I must admit, I’m jealous of people who do. You’re not alone, which is why I’m here too. I feel so alone sometimes, but I can gain strength just from knowing that at least someone understands the craziness we live. I’m here for you anytime you want to reach out.. hugs. ❤
I hear you too. It sounds like your life has been a roller coaster like mine. I hope just for today you have some peace and a beautiful day. ❤
Thank you Jenny- hugs back to you too. I just have to be nice to myself. I had to reach out so I did and that’s that. Sometimes it’s okay and sometimes I’m sorry I did.
You are right about one thing. In my case, I definitely emotionally coddled my children. They had lost their dad at such a young age that I didn’t want them to hurt, so I think I gave them too soft of a landing all the time instead of just letting them experience and face hard things. All three of my kids don’t have great coping skills and clearly my son doesn’t since he turns to alcohol whenever life is too hard. I’m somewhat relieved to hear that you feel the same way. I though it was just us Americans who coddled that generation too much. We call it the Entitlement Generation because they think life owes them something just for existing. We overly praised them for really not doing a whole lot. I’m pretty sure my parents would have told me to figure it out and get it together and they would definitely NOT have given me the money I used to give him if I had acted the way he does. They would have probably tried to get me help, but I can’t see them not living their own lives if I were addicted. In the past, I think I helped him out because I thought he’d appreciate the help and get on with his life. It didn’t work, it just enabled him more. I stopped giving him money a long time ago, but I’m embarrassed for some of the things I’ve done for him. It’s almost like I’ve tried to carry this burden with him so he wouldn’t feel alone, and yet very little of what I’ve attempted to do has made a change in him. I feel a bit better today because I reached out. It helped to unload some grief. ????
Who knows, maybe I’m the only one from the USA, but here I am!