[Fiona1999]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi James,</p>
I hope you are doing good!

My boyfriend has been in rehab now and at first I was really anxious, I read online that rehabs wants the addicts to be be single for their recovery but I thought that only applied to people who are single not the ones in a relationship.

Now 3 weeks apart from each other.. he called and said he thinks it is better to walk his path alone but he isn’t sure because on the other side he wants to be with me, he’s still gonna be in rehab for another 6 weeks. I asked him if he is really sure about his decision because what if he changes his mind again 6 weeks later? He said he doesn’t know, nothing is certain to him, he wants to be with me but also doesn’t want to disappoint me so think its also better to be alone.

Do you think he’s even knowing what he’s talking about right now? Or is he just scared of the new emotions he’s feeling while in rehab?

Thanks!

[Fiona1999]

Hi Tattoogirl,
<p style=”text-align: left;”>First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. About maybe 2 weeks ago I was going through the same as you.</p>
What I can advise you for now is to try to take time for yourself, take care of yourself how you’d treated him. Take a step back and breath a little. I can imagine these 2 years have been really hard for you, so please, take good care of yourself, you deserve that.

I also said things like “maybe we shouldn’t be together” to him while being in the heat of the moment and see if he will care, he gone totally insane that night, went on a binge and even did some questionable things to sabotage our relationship.

I am sure he cares and loves you dearly, but the drugs is his “main” focus now, which isn’t fair to you. That’s why you need to focus on yourself right now. My boyfriend is going into rehab in August and while he’s in there for some weeks I suggested to not speak for that period of time so he can fully focus on his time there.

I wish you the best and please talk to us on here, we are always here for you! <3

 

 

 

[Fiona1999]

Hi Paw,

A little update since him and I talked Saturday. We decided to still be together because the love between us is still very strong and we do not want to let each other go. He wants me to have all access to his bank account so he will not spend any more money on drugs.

Although we want to be with each other it still occurred to us that its a smart choice to have a break while he’s in rehab. I told him as long as i adore him to love and cherish me, id rather him loving and cherish himself more. The foundation of himself needs to be prioritised for now.

[Fiona1999]

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to response to me, makes me feel less lonely. I have talked to friends about this but they will never fully understand and having this platform with people who are going through similar situations gives me a bit of peace.

He’s going into rehab in August and 2 weeks prior of that, he is going to work abroad to get away from every distraction, to earn money and pay off his debts.

I am really glad he’s taking it seriously this time and I have also told him that. I think its the right thing to be apart right now.

I am still meeting him Monday to talk and I will give him the option to see if he wants to put this on hold until he’s back from rehab and recovery house. In the meantime we have the space and time to breath and work on ourselves. May sounds silly but at the end of the day, it would kill me knowing we haven’t tried after he got help. If he’s open to that cool and if not that’s okay too. Will keep you updated after Monday.

Thanks again! x

[Fiona1999]

Yes you are right, I should choose for myself and I think I will this time. I am actually so exhausted from the constant worrying and stressing. We haven’t really talked in a few days now and I must admit that I feel relieved and free.

Monday (hopefully, if he’s sober) we are gonna talk. I hurts me knowing that he really wanted us to work but simply cannot because of his addiction. The only thing that’s been keeping me a bit sane is that this all “should have happen” and who knows in the future whenever he’s recovering and I am also healed from past trauma’s we meet again, but for now I can only focus on moving forward.

I also don’t know if I should stay in contact with him? What do you think?

[Fiona1999]

Thank you so much for your kind words, it may sounds egoistic but yes I am indeed a very kind, loving person and I and many others can say that my heart is pure and from gold. Thats why I think that someone like him needs someone like me in his life, to show him that the world is not that bad and that life isnt against you like he thinks. But again, I have to admit that for the long term this is gonna ruin me and that my personality will definitely change into a bitter person, I cant do that to myself.

Are you still with your partner if I may ask?

Everyday is a rollercoaster to me, one day I think its the best to call this quit and move on, be happy, live life as a single fun girl who’s done it for years actually. The other days Im like no, we’ve been through too much to just throw this all away I wanna be with him.

My ex before him from 4 years ago treated me really badly, toxic and just almost evil. I stayed single for those years after him, then I met my current boyfriend (i dont even know if hes still my man tbh) and everything went so well and great until he started using more and more and on the daily. I just think that Im really hurt by the fact, I had bad experience with every possible boyfriend and when I though I had a great one it ended not the way I thought it would. Although I know that being single will not kill me.

[Fiona1999]

He’s is putting everything to fight. He told me he wanted to get better for the sake of us. But I told him that he should be doing all these stuff for himself.

He went to group sessions, N.A meetings and goes to therapy. But every now and then he relapsed and falls back, really deep deep in this dark hole. Like I mentioned, he wants to go to rehab and is doing everything now for it to go through, so I dont think he’s not not trying to recover like you’ve mentioned.

What do you think about what I’ve wanted to do, keep me and him on hold until he’s out of rehab, it also gives me time to heal myself a bit from everything that’s been happening.

No need to say sorry! I know you’ve got the best intentions

 

[Fiona1999]

hi there! hope you could fall asleep, may I asked how long you’ve been together with your man?

And about ringing him today… I don’t think he’s gonna pick up anyways I dont wanna have “the” talk to him while he’s high because he isn’t making sense at that moment. I will just wait for him to reach out to me I guess. He told me before, whenever he’s high he doesn’t give a fxck about anyone else, not even me. But whenever he’s sober again all he wants is me he said, so there’s this hope inside of me that he isn’t really going to break up with me. I am really so tired of these thoughts. All I can really do right now is distract myself.

[Fiona1999]

I also wanted him to be okay, that’s always been my priority, the first time he told me he cheated he also disappeared for a few days, no one knew where he was and even then, the relationship wasn’t my priority anymore all I wanted was for him to be okay and safe and (brutally honest) alive.

He texted me today about some money he owed me and when I asked him when he was available for next week he didn’t answered and that was like around 6pm, at 9pm he still didn’t answered so I tried to rang him just because of habits tbh and he also haven’t picked up the phone. He’s still sharing his location and I can see hes home so maybe he’s just ignoring me so I can have some focus on my school stuff. Not texting him all day long is quite hard on me since Im not really used to this. 🙁

Im scared that the only way this feeling we both are feeling will go away is to leave or at least wait until they are recovering from drug abuse. But my biggest fear is that he’s gonna give his best version to someone else 🙁 that’s really gonna wreck my soul. Because that means that he don’t think I deserve the best version of himself. Its night now so my thoughts and anxiety are very very pessimistic right now I apologise.

 

 

[Fiona1999]

Hi there,

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. I dont know if this will make you feel any better, but I know exactly what you are going through and feeling atm.

To answer your question, I cope by doing my own stuff, watch series or hangout with friends. Because worrying about him using won’t make the situation any better. Sometimes when he does use or like the morning/night of it he will text me stuff and I just know by the way he text he’s on drugs, I always asked him if he’s on coke and he would always say yes, whenever he says yes I always thank him for being honest with me because most of the time when he doesn’t wanna admit to me is because of the shame and guilt he feels. So that’s why I thank him and show him that its okay to admit to me whenever he’s using (also so he sees that Im a safe space for him)

I also feel frustrated and hurt by it, believe me but one thing, I never ever can get mad at him because I know its not his intention to ever frustrate or hurt me, same goes for you! I think you are arguing with him all the time because you turnt your frustration and hurt into your coping mechanism, I also had that for a bit but I just realised it’s not worth the fighting and saying things to him that you don’t actually mean, it only causes damage. Ofcourse what you feel is very very valid dont get me wrong, but whenever he uses try to vent to maybe a close friend? Someone you trust, or even on here to me.  I found out, if I vent it all out it creates more space in my heart and brain to think more clearer and let the emotions out.

I am all ears. x

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