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Hey Dan & guys,
This is going to sound utterly ridiculous but you are the only person (and you other guys) that I feel I can speak to. Right, I’ve REALLY messed up, bad. I was supposed to have made the jump today, for the second time as well, and gone to Weymouth, but, (again for the second time) I’ve backed out. (I’m also extremely worried about how I’m going to explain this to my dad as well, I’m desperate for a good excuse but my head is shattered and I can’t think of what reason I can give) anyway, I’ve paid £160 already for petrol, my friend is going to kill me because she took the day off work to take me as well, but, he started crying and saying he loved me and the hours are now ticking by.. I’m all over the place and have literally been up the ENTIRE night as well! I don’t know what I’m going to say to my dad either!
Hey redfox
Thanks for your reply, oh my goodness it’s so so nice when you know you have people there who actually genuinely have an interest in YOU, it’s been that long that I literally have a tissue in my hand this very minute after reading what you wrote, along with your “actual genuine care “ about my move x your a good girl and a fantastic mother x
Thanks Dan, and yes, the more I think about it the more I’m making the right decision. If I’m honest I’m mainly scared of going such a long way and being alone x wouldn’t it be great if all of us talking on here ALL MET in a pub or restaurant we could all get too? I’ve been reading a lot of things on here Dan and I honestly think you have REALLY been such an inspiration to A LOT of people. I think we would all get a boost if we arranged to meet x
Hi redfox,
Excuse me for replying to what you’ve written but I felt compelled to after reading your post. Firstly, EVEN IF YOU EVER DO END UP GIVING IN TO HIM, you must NOT feel guilty for that! I know from first hand experience trust me x it’s that look on their face when they need you, and, it’s even worse when you DO HAVE THE MONEY THEY NEED as well! It’s hard when you know you can give them that bit of happiness for a while xxx
WOWSERS!
Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in We mouth (I’ve written it like that because I’ve flagged up writing it the proper way x It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment xx thanks dan xx
WOWSERS!
Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in We mouth (I’ve written it like that because I’ve flagged up writing it the proper way x It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan thanks, Carla x
WOWSERS!
Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in Wey mouth. It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan thanks, Carla x
WOWSERS!
Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy agreement so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in Weymouth. It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan thanks, Carla x
WOWSERS!
Honey! You ARE amazing! I’m IMMENSELY proud of you for getting as far as you have, it must be extremely difficult, more so, due to there being NO substitute available (at present anyway) for this type of drug. I kind of swapped one for the other, when I started the “smoke” the endless cocaine nights disappeared, replaced by something even more sinister, as you now know. I have literally just got off the phone to my dad, I sent him pictures of when I was modelling for catalogues as he hasn’t seen me since I was almost six, he told me he has paid for the flat for me and I’m genuinely grateful. I HAVE to be there within the next ten days to sign the tenancy agreement so I’ve just agreed to go on Thursday this week (my nerves are going crazy) to be there in Weymouth. It’s going to cost over £200 to get there and back in the car with petrol, but, you’ve given me the strength to realise that actually, I’m doing the right thing x do you think I am too? Your opinion genuinely does matter to me especially at the moment Dan xx thanks, Carla xxx
Hi Dan,
Firstly, thanks so much for what you said, you have no idea how much it meant to me. Here’s the thing, I actually found my real dad two months ago, I haven’t seen him since I was five years old, and, I still haven’t seen him face to face yet. The embarrassing thing is, he knows my husband has been violent to me and this is the reason he has sorted me out a property where he is (about 5 hours drive away) I am scared, but, you have honestly made me re think now and it DOES seem to be the right decision, it’s almost fate really that this has happened now. I’m really scared of being so far away but your absolutely right, it’s far enough to get away from him where I won’t be found, plus, far away from the heroin. I’ve NEVER injected it, it’s bad enough the pain you go through when it’s not in your system, or when he has stolen my methadone so I’ve had to suffer, or, find money to but it, which of course means, he then gets some too. I’ve read your message every time I’ve wondered if I have the strength to make the jump to do this,it reminds me that if I don’t use this opportunity, it’s very unlikely I’ll get another and I’ll be in this situation for the rest of my life. I have just under two weeks left when I HAVE to be there x your one amazing guy Dan, you also are wasting your life because you seem like one fantastic person. You should think about counselling too because you have a way explaining things the right way yourself. How is your world coming along as well?x
Hi Dan,
Well, firstly, WOW, (as crazy as it sounds I actually genuinely mean that) thank you so so much, for giving me the strength to see I’m not the one who’s done anything wrong, actually, I don’t mean that entirely, nobody is perfect, but I’ve spent the majority of my life making everyone around me happy as well as making sure my sisters all had enough food after the parties my mother would have every single weekend, all weekend. Anyhow, I learned a hell of a lot at a very young age, I remember mum being pregnant with baby number eight and me begging her not to have any more babies come out of her because I was always left with their cot in my room I shared with the other five kids, with no carpet, holes in the mattress where the springs had broken and cut us at night where they poked through the hole in the middle of the mattress! I’m sorry if this is too much, but you have no idea how utterly gobsmacked my friends (the few who have been there) would be if they knew I was actually saying this because I just can’t talk about it with them! Anyway, what I’m trying to say in regards to your beautiful message (I swear to holy god I was genuinely in tears, you really are a more decent, caring man, than I get the impression you give yourself credit for. I really mean that Dan. Do you know something, through reading what we’ve written, we know we are decent people, and I thank god that I didn’t get pulled in with such a dangerous drug as I’ve seen so many girls do, as with you Dan, your still managing to hold your job, you want to still be there for your family, basically, you and I aren’t that deep yet where we would sell our nan so to speak, We have a chance, and as for you, just from what I’ve learned through what you’ve written, I get this sense that things will change massively for you, please don’t hate me for saying this but I don’t feel your getting a lot of encouragement or being told how your trying as hard as you are, compared to being told every single wrong thing your doing, does that make sense to you?xx
Dan
Thanks so much for your replies, it means a lot when you finally have someone who genuinely wants to listen to you, and because they are genuinely interested. So it’s also time for a little honesty too, mainly as I also feel comfortable discussing this with you two in particular, I feel like I have two people who care that I haven’t even met! I always ALWAYS looked down on people on heroin, I thought they were scummy people and I could NEVER understand why any of them would physically put a needle in their own arm and feel ok about it! (I was so naive I genuinely thought, and maybe you do too) that people on that sort of thing only took it by injecting! Anyway, after the attack, I kept smelling the men, it was a potent kind of lynx maybe smell that I thought I could even smell on my own skin! I couldn’t sleep as I said through nightmares, re living what they did to me every time I closed my eyes, as real as I can see my phone right now as well. I thought about nothing else while I was awake, there was just no escape. Then, the “wonderful “ man I met, had this pipe one night while I was in tears, he said, “smoke this, it will help you sleep “ and low and behold, he ended up opening about two of these wrap things that I smoked and he put on this pipe for me. I SLEPT AND SLEPT WITH NO NIGHTMARES! I was more happy than you can possibly imagine! So, the next night I asked for some more of “that stuff” after the third night, the next morning, I woke up and felt like MY BONES WERE BEING TWISTED AND BEING BROKEN! I cannot even begin to describe the pain and the feeling, I was sweating and shaking and he got up, put this stuff on the pipe, screaming at me to stop crying and put it in my mouth while he lit it, and, (my hairs are standing on end right now remembering this as I write it) within two of these pipes I felt the pain completely leave my body, by the time I finished the second wrap thing he put on it for me, I was ABSOLUTELY FINE!!! Which he then proceeded to inform me I was “now a heroin addict” now, you are both strangers to me, and anyone else reading this, but I take oath even on my (grown up) kids lives that what I just explained happened EXACTLY THAT WAY! I would NEVER believe that from ANYONE. I went from being a full time nurse, to a heroin addict living with a heroin addict and losing everything including all my savings within MONTHS. I’m DESPERATE to get away from him, but, every time I’ve tried to get away I’ve taken a hiding and I’m so scared. I think it’s more because he needs me to supply and earn whatever I can for him, which I have, EVERY SINGLE DAY, he has NEVER worked in 6 years. I’m literally suicidal. I keep myself spotless though, and my home, and I take oath I have NEVER stolen, I do these things to separate myself from getting too deep like I’ve seen so many girls who’ve lost respect in looking after themselves , their clothes and washing, my 24 year old and my 21 year old have disowned me because my mother who I’ve been telling you about had great joy in telling them as well as all the evil things I told you she’s put me through. I’m so desperate , but I’m now feeling there’s no way out for me, I have contemplated taking my life, I’m not an attention seeker or the sort of person who says these things, but from my point of view, I’ve had the attack, the violence with my husband who im trying to leave, my children have turned their back on me because of my evil mother , and every single day im sent out until I bring him what he needs. Im happy to tell you im now on medication called methadone which stops the pain, so I no longer take it and haven’t in three months, one week and two days. My real dad who im now in touch with has offered to get me a flat about five hours drive from where I currently live. Im so frightened of making the jump to do this, shall I be brave and go? I’ve no one left who cares if I live or die
Dear Naturegrrl AND Danman83
Thanks so much for your replies, it means a lot when you finally have someone who genuinely wants to listen to you, and because they are genuinely interested. So it’s also time for a little honesty too, mainly as I also feel comfortable discussing this with you two in particular, I feel like I have two people who care that I haven’t even met! I always ALWAYS looked down on people on heroin, I thought they were scummy people and I could NEVER understand why any of them would physically put a needle in their own arm and feel ok about it! (I was so naive I genuinely thought, and maybe you do too) that people on that sort of thing only took it by injecting! Anyway, after the attack, I kept smelling the men, it was a potent kind of lynx maybe smell that I thought I could even smell on my own skin! I couldn’t sleep as I said through nightmares, re living what they did to me every time I closed my eyes, as real as I can see my phone right now as well. I thought about nothing else while I was awake, there was just no escape. Then, the “wonderful “ man I met, had this pipe one night while I was in tears, he said, “smoke this, it will help you sleep “ and low and behold, he ended up opening about two of these wrap things that I smoked and he put on this pipe for me. I SLEPT AND SLEPT WITH NO NIGHTMARES! I was more happy than you can possibly imagine! So, the next night I asked for some more of “that stuff” after the third night, the next morning, I woke up and felt like MY BONES WERE BEING TWISTED AND BEING BROKEN! I cannot even begin to describe the pain and the feeling, I was sweating and shaking and he got up, put this stuff on the pipe, screaming at me to stop crying and put it in my mouth while he lit it, and, (my hairs are standing on end right now remembering this as I write it) within two of these pipes I felt the pain completely leave my body, by the time I finished the second wrap thing he put on it for me, I was ABSOLUTELY FINE!!! Which he then proceeded to inform me I was “now a heroin addict” now, you are both strangers to me, and anyone else reading this, but I take oath even on my (grown up) kids lives that what I just explained happened EXACTLY THAT WAY! I would NEVER believe that from ANYONE. I went from being a full time nurse, to a heroin addict living with a heroin addict and losing everything including all my savings within MONTHS. I’m DESPERATE to get away from him, but, every time I’ve tried to get away I’ve taken a hiding and I’m so scared. I think it’s more because he needs me to supply and earn whatever I can for him, which I have, EVERY SINGLE DAY, he has NEVER worked in 6 years. I’m literally suicidal. I keep myself spotless though, and my home, and I take oath I have NEVER stolen, I do these things to separate myself from getting too deep like I’ve seen so many girls who’ve lost respect in looking after themselves , their clothes and washing, my 24 year old and my 21 year old have disowned me because my mother who I’ve been telling you about had great joy in telling them as well as all the evil things I told you she’s put me through. I’m so desperate , but I’m now feeling there’s no way out for me, I have contemplated taking my life, I’m not an attention seeker or the sort of person who says these things, but from my point of view, I’ve had the attack, the violence with my husband who im trying to leave, my children have turned their back on me because of my evil mother , and every single day im sent out until I bring him what he needs. Im happy to tell you im now on medication called methadone which stops the pain, so I no longer take it and haven’t in three months, one week and two days. My real dad who im now in touch with has offered to get me a flat about five hours drive from where I currently live. Im so frightened of making the jump to do this, shall I be brave and go? I’ve no one left who cares if I live or die
Dan I replied to you on naturegrrls post I think you’ll understand when you read what I’ve sent you x
Sorry Dan man83 I accidentally replied to naturegrrl who, as you can see above, is having a similar problem with her partner so I was asking her if she has done coke with him, I’m sorry to hear about your friend taking his own life too, my sister hung herself and unfortunately it was my nine year old niece at the time who found her hanging from the loft because she ran in to the house first after spending the night at mine. Dan, I REALLY REALLY GENUINELY know where your coming from, except I used cocaine because it enabled me to talk about the attack I went through at the hands of two foreign men, I’m just grateful I had the strength to take it all the way through court, along with their DNA as well as cctv of me being followed and dragged down an alley, they got seven years, however, even then I found out in court that one of them had six sexual offences on his record in his own country! Yet, our government hadn’t checked this properly AND GRANTED HIM AND HIS WIFE AND CHILD IN TO OUR COUNTRY, he was in receipt of benefits and had a house that cost even more than my home at the time. Anyhow, after the sentence they received all of the support and care from the police etc just stopped. It was almost like they had their conviction, resulting in their “brownie points “ so to speak, and I was just left. I didn’t speak or wash even for around three weeks and ended up taking a HUGE overdose and I was so close to death they had to pump my stomach. I couldn’t sleep because I re lived as clear as you can see now, the entire beating and rape every time I started to sleep, I didn’t want to stay awake because I could physically smell them on me, then a friend introduced me to coke. For the FIRST TIME EVER I started to talk about what happened to me, but, it lead me down a path where I couldn’t cope or feel safe unless I had it in my system. Did you have a trigger do you think?