Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Morning MJDU
I’m just seeing how things are with you and to pick up on the thread about the finances. Whilst my financial worries weren’t linked to the person I was with who took cocaine, they were linked to my ex husband it did set me back a lot. However, once I got the finances under my control it helped massively knowing I was able to deal with it directly. I’ve got a mortgage with what seems forever yet having the assurity that I have a roof over my head and my grown up
children have a roof whenever they need it is worth it.
Hope you and your family have managed to enjoy the outdoors.
The book is a big read, I can only read it in stages it does make a lot of sense though. Glad you’re getting something out of it.
All the best
GF
Hi Bluestar
It’s so hard isn’t it when you love and care for someone and then they suddenly push you out, especially if it’s without warning.
We did regain contact. I tried in many different ways to ask to meet face to face so I could finally put things to rest in my head. He wouldn’t meet, he truly believed he had ended things in a good way and the two times we met in the immediacy of the ending of the relationship he had laid the blame of the relationship ending on his shoulders. Therefore there was no more to discuss in his eyes. However, that was not my reality and his words and actions to me on those occasions were painful and traumatic. Hence me wanting to lay that ghost to bed when the dust had settled.
Anyway our regained communication put us in an amicable space with each other. 9 months on he is living with someone, and engaged to someone at least 20 years his junior. However he wanted me to take the blame when she noticed an innocuous text a message from me to him. That’s then when I realised his morals were of self preservation and saving face in front of others. Now I’ve got closure, and can see how cocaine (he’s says he’s stopped taking) can alter realities and place blame on others shoulders because it’s easier to project their feelings onto others than taking and accepting self responsibility.
Hard as it’s been, that door is now shut for me and my friends have all said I’m better away from it all. All I know is I had to do what I needed to do to get it out my system and get closure and now it’s done I feel lighter, and able to see positive things ahead of me.
It’s so challenging to keep ourselves in check, what I do remind myself though is I cared and loved them, I never took drugs so I had clarity and a true sense of my feelings and their choices have been made because that’s what they want.
I hope you can find your own way too. X
Wow MJDU what a move forward you’ve made. It’s great to hear you’re investing in you, and the positive outcomes they are going to give you. Walking is amazing it’s the thing that has been a constant in my life and it’s certainly a great way to think and sometimes use as a means to switch off too. Your dog must be loving you with this time of being out and about.
It’s good to see you’ve got a form of realism about your relationship with your wife, and you as a person in your own right and your family as you all need to get through this too.
Even though my relationship with someone as a friend and then as a partner was for about 4 years, I can now look back and see how cocaine was creating (unbeknowingly at the time) different paths for us. However, I learnt so much about it (cocaine), my handling of a relationship when it was in the mix and how my reactions maybe didn’t add favourably to the whole thing. Yet I can, as you can, will always know that you’ve come from a place of love and care because you’ve seen the impact it has on those that take it and those around it who are trying to understand it. It is though about us wanting to ensure the other person can come through it well and happy too.
The sailing sounds great. I don’t think you’ll have time to read the book as you’ll be too busy splicing the main brace. Good for you.
Morning MJDU
You sound as if you are already starting to get things in place for you and your girls. The IFA, your friends and family are being supportive and that’s a good thing to know you’ve got that network around you. They obviously have your back.
Your feelings towards your wife won’t switch off over night. You can’t beat yourself up over that, as it’s a natural part of the grieving process. You are grieving. You also love and care for her and we want to fix the pain for those we care about. They have to do it themselves though. My experience of being with someone who took cocaine was they lost empathy towards to me. They couldn’t recognise when they hurt me, it was about how they felt. Unfortunately anything they perceive as being a negative can make them feel it’s a negative comment or thought directed at them. Until your wife recognises and addresses the root cause of her pain, she’ll mask it by using other things that damage her and her family.
You are not a mug, nor stupid nor a cash cow. You are someone who loves his wife and wants to help her.
No one can predict the future, it’s easy to say don’t think about it because we can’t see into a magic ball, but I know that is easier said than done.
I’m reading A Path through the Jungle by Prof Steve Peters. It tells you how the brain works, and how our thoughts can sabotage our own sense of reasoning. It’s really easy to understand and a relatable read. It’s helped me massively understand why I act and react in the way I do. Even if you get the book and never read it, it you can use it to stop a table wobbling.
You sound as if you’ve done more to get things back on track than you give yourself credit for. You are doing a great job, and remember to take care of you too.
Afternoon MJDU
You’ve got a lot going on, so ever apologise for doing the best you can to keep things together.
I understand your views on cocaine it is a sneaky thing. Until you see first hand the effect it has on someone and then the tentacles it weaves out, it’s hard to explain to anyone else. It’s also how the person in front of you changes and they cannot see the changes you see. What I do know is the impact of it on innocent people’s emotions, which is what it sounds you are carrying not only for yourself, but your wife and your children too.
If you can piecemeal the things out you can try to do that. It might make things seem achievable.
Finances – speak to the experts on this. There’s some amazing charities that can give you sound financial advice and possibly some legal direction on how to protect your finances.
Do you have access to a local drug service so you can speak to them about what you can do to safeguard you and your children’s well-being?
A counsellor is invaluable. I’ve used them on the odd occasion and as someone impartial to my world they gave some sound perspectives and observations on what was going on, and how my own behaviour could be adjusted to put me back in control of me and my life. I wonder if your GP might be able to point you in the direction of one.
It is natural you are thinking of your wife however she is an adult who has made her own adult choices. Granted the drugs have changed her for now, however you too are an adult and you can make adult choices for you, that will also be in the best interests of your children.
Your wife is on her current path until she wishes to change it. You can put yourself on your path too. It’s not easy because you are grieving for the wife and marriage as was, whilst still dealing with the now of what it is.
Any small step you can take to get control back for you and your family will help you take another step.
It’s an awful, painful thing to see someone you love suffering yet don’t underestimate how that will impact on you. Be kind to yourself you sound like a very caring man who only has love for his family.
Hi MJDoubleU
Firstly it’s a lot you are having to manage and juggle, your family, your finances, your marriage and the addictions so don’t be hard on yourself for finding the enormity of this overwhelming. You’ve started to face this head on.
Secondly, Well done for finding this space and sharing.
I can only offer you my limited perspective on a few things. Your girls need you now and their home. They are no doubt looking at you as their dad for a magic wand which none of us have. can you find practical solutions so you can control the finances as that may give you a sense of your own control in providing security for your girls.
As a husband who loves his wife you want her to get help, which she has started to do, but it’s such early stages at the moment that it’s not something you can predict will or won’t work. Maybe you need to concentrate on you too, put your own oxygen mask on so you can help yourself think more clearly so you can find other steps to move forward with this.
Have you spoken to your girls, I’m not sure if they’re of that age, to see if having their mum home just now is right for them? As I said safeguard your childrens wellbeing and your own as that will allow you to be a better space to support your wife.
I am sorry to hear you and your girls are going through such an enormous thing. Maybe others wiser than me will reply and offer better guidance.
Best wishes
Wow River21 what a lot you and your family have had to contend with.
How could you have known about the drug usage. It’s not your world so you wouldn’t be looking out for the signs. He was clever at hiding it, until he could no longer keep up the facade.
His homelessness rests on his shoulders, and naturally you’ll have concerns because you’re a caring person. You sound a very strong and resilient person, and from what you have said you are making sure you and your family are safe.
I hope you get to start your new life soon as a family in a place you feel happy and safe in.
Hi River21
I just wanted to see how things are going for you and if you are moving forward since we last posted?
You sound like you’ve got a good plan River21 and you are very switched on with this. Good for you, Take care of you too. X
Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t beat yourself up if you contact him, more than once, hoping he’ll want to make things right with you. We’ve got feelings ourselves and trying to stand back and not rush back in is hard. I’ve tried numerous times to get back in touch, he’s responded which gave me hope, in reality it was me being all hopeful that the person I knew was inside him really did want me back. I now know he’s not ready to see me, he’s protecting himself by cutting me out and as painful as it is I’m keeping my distance. Still doesn’t stop the temptation of wanting to contact them though. Time will tell. X
Don’t apologise, you’re not wrapped up in you, you’re trying to make sense of this point in your life. We’ve all been there, that’s why this Forum is so good. Helps us to connect and understand from others. X
I’m sorry to hear that River21, it’s painful to hear when you’re coming from a place of care. Accepting how you feel is a biggie because some of us are fixers and we just think if they get better, I’ll be better and then we can get back to being us again. There’s no magic wand with this. Time, tears, talking to trusted friends/counsellors and taking time for you/ourselves is what we can do for us. They were nasty words and I hope you can keep sharing because it stops you feeling you’re going loopy (which you’re not) it’s the situation which is loopy. X
This is such a helpful conversation that’s being opened up. It’s so hard to know how or if you should support someone who is trying to get help with their addictions. My ex has cut me out and told me they want to do it alone and I’m not part of their life. It’s a fine line between being caring and supportive and then being viewed by them as the needy one, and them thinking it’s no wonder they ended the relationship with you. Hearing the viewpoint from the other perspective is helping, especially in reducing how hurt I feel about their actions to me. River21 I used those same words “broken” to my ex. It’s not easy to get your head around this however these forums are brilliant and it cannot be underestimated how everyones honesty makes a difference. X
Morning River21
How your partner has treated you mirrors very much how my ex behaved towards me. It came as a bolt out of the blue and the coldness and blame was focussed on me. It’s a cruel way to behave especially when they cut you out, and you’ve been nothing but kind, loving and non judgemental. It won’t make it easier but there are others that have and are going through similar too, so knowing you are not alone may help you in some way.
It sounds as if he’s in a period of confusion so is lashing out to the closet person in his life, which is a sad affect of addiction. Cocaine is a sneaky drug and I would suspect it’s the effects of cocaine that are talking not the real person you know and love. You’ve done the right thing moving out and don’t pressure yourself to come up with answers or solutions. Accept how you feel, speak to someone you trust and take care of you.