[gerber]

Hey UnlikelyAddict, I too suffer with the exact same issue, i was just 18 when my appendix burst and i had my first taste of it, I’m 30 now and am still fighting to feel free of this, but not only would i take solely phosphates, the last 10 years have been a mis match of neurophen +, co-codamol 30/500. (i sincerely don’t think im going to be around much longer because of it.) i should preface that i suffer from schizophrenia and manic depression

in those 10 years i have been unable to maintain a job, a relationship.. Hell i scared all my friends away who wanted to help me. I’ve tried cold turkey, and i’ve tried reducing but something always breaks and i cave. It doesn’t matter how much i want my life to be better. I’ve even moved back in with my parents and am unable to tell them the truth. the feeling of” F**k it whats the point in any of this?” kicks in every time, I’ve single handedly brought down my own life because of this dumb medication that i can’t help abuse. and in low moments i think of ending it, even as close to being so selfish as when visiting friends to just go somewhere remote and do it then.

the worst part is other than abject misery, it’s stolen my emotions. my grandfather passed away 3 years ago and i was high at his funeral. I’ll never forgive myself for that.. i couldn’t even shed a tear. everything i do is based around it. i have to be near a pharmacy whereever i go just in case. having to use the toilet so much that it physically hurts to go anywhere near your rectum (sorry for the details) as opposed to swallowing tablets seems like a no brainer at the time.

i have no concept of finances, the friends i do have left lecture me upon the steps that i should take to get me back on my feet. I’m by no means an idiot, but i have to blag the situation and nod like i understand what they are talking about, and in my head all i think is… “my stomachs starting to hurt, the sweats are coming. how can I get this by them without them knowing?”

I don’t know how to start, i don’t know how to be honest with myself, and being 30 and living with your parents isn’t the worst thing in the world, but reverting back into your teenage self because you need to satiate this dumb desire is.

I know I need help, but i don’t know how to stop myself from using during the intense anxiety, i guess i just needed to write this out as it’s the only way i feel i can be honest, through complete anonymity..

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