[ginger71]

As the person who started this thread I look back and see all the people who feel lost and helpless like me. I know there is no answer I can give other than to know that it is not you, it is not your child it is the drugs that are destroying everything. I read in a book that I think someone on here recommended that drug dealers are like groomers and that is so true. My daughter was given so much gear when she was so was young because in her words she was “pretty”. In my words yes she’s beautiful but she’s very manipulative and that is a word that repeats over and over again in these posts.

I cannot ever explain to anyone who hasn’t been there the pain of watching the destructive force of drug addict. I cannot explain the desire of a parent to fix it, to save them and to believe that this is the last time. My rational head tells me to be hard and that the only way is for my child to find her own way, to fall to darkest depths and hopefully, fingers crossed, wind blowing in the right direction see a light of hope of what could be.

I’m sorry there isn’t a magic answer. My daughter spirals between realising the mess she is making, to telling me she is wasting her talents to spending her money on coke, weed and alcohol.

Remember somewhere deep inside is still your child.

Claire

[ginger71]

I have driven myself nearly half mad asking what I did wrong but you have to try and believe that you did nothing wrong. Each child in these posts have made these decisions for different reasons I’m sure but there will always have been a dealer out there happy to take their money and help them to remain dependant on the substance they are using.

Your child has to make the choice to stop and then you can help. I’m waiting for my daughter to make that decision, desperately trying to be strong and to say no to her, something I find so difficult. I’m so sorry I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry and please look after yourself, don’t blame yourself and try to be strong.

Keep talking and finding people who kind of understand.

[ginger71]

Hi Jasmine, please know that you’re not alone. Difficult choices have to be made and ones I fight against all the time, always believing this will be the last and it will be better. My daughter is not quite at this level but I know the feelings this invoke. As James says somewhere your son is there but the behaviours are caused by the drugs and alcohol. I think all of us who have ever replied on here know that we have to say no but also know that it is hard and difficult and painful.

Please know you are always doing your best. Stay strong and hopefully your son will be able to find the strength to access the support he needs .

Take care of yourself.

Claire

[ginger71]

Just a mum

You may not feel like a mum but that clearly is a mum talking. You took the hardest step, one many of us are facing and are arguing with ourselves about. You took it, yes to preserve you but out of love for your child.

Love, light and hope .

x

[ginger71]

All I can tell you is what has and what has not worked for me and my daughter. I have had conversations with her about drugs and it has made me believe things will be better but ultimately she has had to want to. I know in my heart she replaces one drug with another because she cannot face the black mess in her head.

I have often written her letters which I just store. This gets the anger out of me for a moment. I will sometimes send her texts and they have variable responses. When I have a verbal conversation she has a reason or an excuse or a promise. Once in a while she talks about the issue with clarity but not enough to change the behaviour.

I am sorry but I cannot tell you what to do. I can say you can change you and your mind but not his which is what I’m trying to do. Hopefully my daughter and your son will do the same for themselves before it is too late.

[ginger71]

Dear all

These posts have been invaluable to me to give me a tiny voice which tells me I’m not alone. That tiny voice has to fight with the more powerful self destructive voices which constantly tell me I’ve failed. However, I am beginning to realise that those voices are what my daughter relies on to keep me in the position she wants; the one which will constantly pick her up; bail her out and make everything ok again.

She is nowhere near as bad as she was but I have gone to talking therapy for me. When she needed it she refused it and thought that the drugs would fix it… Well that is turning out well! I have to allow myself that 50 minutes every week to start fixing me and my self belief.

To all of you who have posted on here thank you. It is painful and yet powerful. X

[ginger71]

I don’t really know. I thought we were getting there. There were some huge positives and have in theory started university but she clings to those who offer a quick fix. It makes me so sad. How are you all? Hope some of you are getting somewhere and if not that you are at least still ok enough to function and get through with a bit of hope and belief that one day it’ll get better. Love to you all xxx

[ginger71]

I was looking at old photos the other day and I don’t recognise the child I have now. The smiling, laughing eyes have gone. She believes the only way to feel happy and excited now is through a drug induced haze. As I looked at the photos I thought yep I lost my daughter long ago yet her shell still inhabits my house determined to replace the good memories with bad. It is like some second rate gothic horror story.

She sent me a text at 4am this morning telling me she was done with the world. When I read it at 8 I believed it was true. I Went down to her room and she’d locked the door so I broke in and she was drunk in bed. I feel drained and exhausted. She staggered upstairs she said sorry for sending the text and then suggested I stop being upset. Of course emotions turn on and off like taps don’t they.

They not what they do……

I’m trying to cling on and stay strong and I hope the rest of you are too. Strength from knowing I’m not alone x

[ginger71]

Have read the book and would say it is worth the read. Two things really resonated with me firstly the photos the author included which scared me. They showed highly addicted young men appearing on the surface “normal” and secondly one of the parting comments which said we should begin to think that drug dealers groom potential addicts. I know that at one point I believed my daughter could fall victim to CSE but now I think it was not really sex it was money and profits for drug dealers. That book was written over ten years ago and I have not heard the idea of drug dealers as groomers before but she is spot on.

Stay strong x

[ginger71]

Hi

I read the beginning and it was like having a mirror held up to my life. My friend reminded me it wasn’t my life it just showed that I wasn’t alone. You’re right with what you say to try and see the little bits of good. It is very easy to spiral into a very black hole. The drugs make the addict selfish and egotistical and I hope that one day we will get the chance to reflect with them about how we felt.

Love to you all x

[ginger71]

I’ve ordered the book “justamum” suggested. It arrives today so we shall see. My daughter appeared so reasonable last night but didn’t come home and I don’t know where she is. That has just become normal. The saddest thing is my son has gone away on a school trip and when his friend said she would miss her mum he replied I’m just worried leaving mine with my sister. At 16 that’s just not fair!

[ginger71]

Your post gave me the strength to say no. ” Mum can I have money for x birthday and y birthday I need £60″ no I don’t have it. She asked me to ask my friend and again I was able to say no. She still went out and on the doorstep asked for £5. I’m proud of myself for today. Can’t promise to always be so strong but thank you.

We are good mums and we should say it even when we don’t believe it.

[ginger71]

We’re all traveling this same road just at different junctions along it. For me right now I don’t think there is an answer. I am trying to keep a lid on my own feelings so that I can function. This is a release valve which allows me to let go some of the feelings before they get topped back up again. I’m glad I was brave enough to do this…. Crazy that it takes guts to use these forums but we all have that. Guts to say I’m important enough to matter and although I may have come here because of my child I think I’m really here for me . By writing on here I’m saying to myself be strong. I may fall many times but I will get there. Stay strong

[ginger71]

It varies what she takes and goes in cycles. We started on weed and mdna then moved to ketamin then went back to only weed now she takes cocaine, weed, nitrous oxide and have seen her on tramadol. Feels like she wants to work her way through the list! She too has a brother and he has seen her in terrible places had to wrestle knives off her and carry her upstairs to bed when she has collapsed on the floor. She wakes him up at stupid times because she lost her keys. At what point do you say there is no hope for your child? That is so hard. And then we put on a mask and carry on the day .

[ginger71]

Thank you

It is so difficult living the feelings that you want your child to vanish. So difficult being scared of seeing them and not knowing what the day will bring. It is wearing to play scenarios in your head, I think I’ve played those same ones. Thank you for replying because although people say you’re not alone you never really believe it because it is such a lonely road full of deceit and lies. Thank you for replying because it makes me talk and get the feelings out. A tiny thing but has to be good right?

We’re not alone thank you.

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