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I can relate to all of those things too. It keeps me going coming on here and reading things I could have written myself although I’m truly sorry for those going through it because it is hell on earth.
I don’t know the man I married. I actually don’t know if it’s the cocaine or the way he was secretly. There was a lot of selfish behaviour prior to when the cocaine got really bad (I had no idea and it never crossed my mind to be drugs). But did I ever think he would do the things he has done to me? No. Nor our very young children.
Even sly things.
I can add a few extra thoughts:
They can’t see rationally or reality (and blame everyone else/you – gas light you even)
They act extreme instead of rationally to get their own way
They look different physically
Avoid responsibility sometimes not in the obvious ways
They can be sly – which is different I think to a lie because it’s more calculated
They ‘hate’ you yet they can’t leave you alone
They play the victim and latch to anyone who falls for it whilst pointing the finger of blame to you
The hardest part is how they somehow turn it around to you. Our relationship, etc etc. It was over years ago so they say yet they don’t walk away?! And in my case there were many an opportunity but I had no idea it was cocaine and thought it was a blip and with no concrete evidence of anything (although I could see it crumbling but was led to believe it was my emotional state) I wanted to desperately save my marriage!
How I wish I’d ran for the hills and never looked back because the web they weave is invisible until you are thoroughly tangled in it.
I could have written your post myself.
It’s almost reassuring to read because it makes me feel less alone and less crazy – the behaviour is almost text book, why do they do it when they make it plainly clear how much they ‘hate’ us and don’t want to be with us ans we are to blame.
I have two young children, also going through a divorce and also in the manipulation/ mind games even though we are separated there always seems to be something he wants to torment me about – makes it like it’s about the kids but like you say never really asks about them. Mine are so young that they actually don’t know him.
Also he wouldn’t engage with solicitor etc for 4 months when I started a divorce ans even now isn’t fully aware of what’s going on. Only thinks of himself ans his own selfish needs. Like you say how can they choose this over a family – wife and children. It’s heartbreaking.
I am sure even though it is hard, one day they will see the damage and what they lost. If not I too fear it could be that knock at the door to say the worst has happened. It’s truly devastating. My life is destroyed and I literally had no idea or inkling that it was drugs.
Take care
Wow it’s really interesting to hear the other side of how the addicted think and what they do!
Although my husband has lost me and he hasn’t seen his kids properly in months, can’t see them for safeguarding and it still hasn’t made a difference!
Wow it’s really interesting to hear the other side of how the addicted think and what they do!
Although my husband has lost me and he hasn’t seen his kids properly in months, can’t see them for safeguarding and it still hasn’t made a difference!
That article – I’ve read it before but I re read it and it just becomes more and more relatable and true.
It’s great that it is bang on the experience with the addicted. I wish I could approachthe view to my husband with all these points in mind. It sounds like the person who wrote it has someone close in their life that they knew had an addiction. When that addiction is concealed (and for me I now question if it’s a ‘double life’ my husband always led) and they are your spouse – the manipulation etc is so entwined in your relationship (unknowingly) that I want to say I will be here, I have loved you and I will love you – but I can’t. The treatment towards me has been abusive in nature. And that is where is becomes difficult to know if they are rationally knowing this or if it’s the drugs. My family who know about it all believe it’s his personality and it’s been concealed, the drugs are almost irrelevant because it was a choice which was bad in itself. I felt torn between what my husband says (which usually turns out to be manipulating) and they seeing it as plain as day before it happens and they know nothing on addiction. Because with him there is lie upon lie upon lie. Nothing can be trusted. Things are said and denied being said or known about. It’s a web and we are caught in the middle and the addicted weaves in and out of it coming and going as they please.
For me I also have two young children to think about. And now I’m out of the situation it’s as plain as day what was going on but every time I questioned behaviour I was made to feel guilty or that I was the one with the problems. Yet I still sometimes want to see the best when he acts ‘normal’ (to be manipulated once again – as in he turns nasty after a while – not as in I take him back or anything)
I have no idea how much my husband has spent on this habit as he justifies his money as his own. He acts like a spoilt child, not seeing us as his family (his responsibility!) and me and him as individuals as like our marriage and life never mattered – he paid for x y and z because he is the bigger earner etc so therefore I and his children?!? get the scraps. Surely this is not the effects of drugs!?! I have had to protect us because I don’t know what he has done or what he is capable of and this is why it had to end.
So so sad because I would have liked nothing more than to see him get better and yes I was mortified about the cocaine but I would have honoured my marriage if he got the right help and made the right changes and worked back to ‘us’ if that was ever even real. Unfortunately it only continues to get worse…
Dot, it’s interesting to speak to someone from your perspective! Well done on being 12 months clean.
The thing that struck me in your message was that you said you maybe you weren’t willing to change… this hits I guess me – the wife of an addict because I often wonder if I’m just not enough and our children to want to change for. Is it as simple as just not being happy in a marriage as to the reason not to get clean?!
My husband is also extremely manipulating and actually controlling and nasty with it. Would you say that’s typical addiction behaviour?!
I’ve actually thought it must be his personality because he is adamant he is off the drugs x
I’m so sorry you are going through this,
but yes it makes sense to us that are in this situation.
I found out at new year that my husband has a secret cocaine addiction, after almost two years of watching my marriage decline and not really knowing why – it all suddenly made sense. At first I was relieved to know why and thought it could be fixed but it only seemed to spiral more out of control. We were already living separately- he had the breakdown and suicidal threats/ thoughts pre finding out about the drugs – this all came again after the admission and like you my husband won’t talk to me, blames me for everything, goes awol and has little to do with our very young children (im safeguarding them anyway) and he is extremely manipulating and emotionally abusive. Generally he just acts like none of this is a problem and it’s me with the problem.
I too ask what about me/ us why weren’t we enough, when will he see the light, is it really me and not him that’s caused this. It’s a stolen life / future and it’s a grief but one that keeps throwing curve balls when they decide to become more ‘human’ but I’ve found in my husbands case that’s only to try and start manipulating again as it’s never sincere and never lasts.
It’s like emotional whiplash.
I’ve started divorce proceedings, although this devastates me. I gave a chance for him to figure himself out separately but the cocaine is just more important or has had such a grip that he doesn’t think rationally anymore. Some days he wants his family back the next minute he doesn’t – that’s no life for us to be messed around. That’s without the betrayal and lack of trust!
I struggle every day with the loss of our future and our plans and finding myself a single parent (completely as he is absolutely unreliable and also not allowed access until he sorts himself) we had a nice life – professional people with good jobs and no real worries.
This site is comforting in knowing others relate as generally in life I’ve not met many who could! Affairs and normal marriage breakdowns but finding out your husband has a secret coke habit – it’s off the charts!
Look after yourself xx
I’m so sorry you are going through this and I relate hugely. I too have had from my husband for the past two years hatred and blame and that I am the problem – saying he wants a divorce, asking me to leave etc. The thing is until a few months ago I didn’t know it was cocaine. I was relieved and he said he wanted his family back. There was an answer and it wasn’t an affair – as I knew something was off – but never ever imagined drugs.
He has since got worse. Rarely says anything remorseful. We live separately hundreds of miles away and I started a divorce process.
I feel bad reading the other posters comments here from a view of an addict, because I did call him out on his behaviour and I have told some members of his family – in defense of myself (ive been accused of trying to swindle him) and also in hope they would get him support and help. I have been angry frustrated and totally let down by him.
I can’t be the one taking the brunt of this addiction- which I have been – believing it was me who was the problem. We have two very very young children and he hid this huge problem from me and done it in our family home, and then supervised his children – unknowningly to me.
It’s unforgivable.
The arguments between us got so intense to the point of physical- I’d get frustrated at the nasty name calling which was totally unjust and I truly believed I was a problem. His family think I was the problem. But I was on to him and his behaviour and when I decided to leave (before I even knew it was drugs) he must have become desperate. I cottoned on to the drugs as a possibility by accident- he took money from my purse – I don’t work and he is a high earner – this was after a huge fight, which I came off physically injured. Someone close to me suggested drugs, I did the research and and put two and two together.
I was right – and he eventually admitted after of course denying it and making me out to be crazy but I was right because via my research their behaviour is text book but I didn’t know that about drugs.
I feel for you. Because when I found out I was relieved and would I have supported him, yes. But I think I was naive. I needed proof and commitment to his recovery which he hasn’t been forthcoming with and actually his hatred to me had become worse. I am devastated that our children now don’t have a father – he isn’t willing to put them first to recover and that is truly devastating.
I do look at myself and wonder if I had reacted differently or been kinder would it have mattered. But he isn’t in a place to help himself and I’ve played nice, not nice, impartial and nothing makes a difference. There is no ration and reason and for us we take all of the emotional brunt and blame – even to their families and friends. I just couldn’t and can’t do it anymore for the sake of the children.
Your experience sounds similar to mine, I too have had to involve the police and I have questioned myself in my reactions but like you say the constant abuse for me it would be the c word and nag and it really isn’t ever justified for taking it that far. All couples argue but he would go the extra and get nasty. Then tell me I was the one acting like a ‘b end’. Now I know it’s cocaine it completely all makes sense because it’s tactics to manipulate and justify using etc. But there is only so much you can take and for me I actually thought it was an affair but I was never going to get ration or reason out of him. I wish I’d known sooner. I’m embarrassed too because we are respectable people with good professions nice house etc which has all had to go. The final straw was the continued lack of respect for me & the name calling/temper in front of the children.
It is very difficult I never imagined being a single parent this scenario I find myself in never crossed my mind & it’s difficult to talk about it when friends who don’t know etc say things like make sure you get help from him still with the children when I actually can’t (nor would I want it obviously!).
His mind games and to-ing and fro-ing is a lot to take emotionally and of course I have hoped since finding out about the drugs that he would change and I’d get my husband back.
I’ve accepted that won’t happen.
To hear your partner has children who he doesn’t bother with much confirms how much this affects them and their relationships and inability to be consistent. I also really appreciate the other users post about her son, three years of this I can’t imagine. But I do worry about him constantly being in the background/ trying to have contract but not ever helping himself so no further forward and the children will suffer for it. Not right now maybe but mentally way off in the future as at some point they will know the truth I imagine and that is devastating for me to think this is what their lives has turned into when they were born into what seemingly was a lovely family home and marriage (my husband’s cocaine use started a few months before I fell pregnant first time, apparently and this makes sense with behaviour changes).
It does give me confidence to not doubt myself or fall for any of the rubbish that comes out of his mouth because there’s no proof or consistency to say otherwise anything has changed. So these posts really help realise this is not unusual behaviour for an addict! It’s so sad. It’s said time again on here but it’s an evil drug. X
Wow it’s amazing to read the same/similar scenario to my own, as often happens here but I have often thought my own husband seems much more nastier and abusive than most stories I read. And I have questioned if it’s drugs or the real him. It’s hard to know where one starts and the other finishes. He too blames me for everything and created his own version of scenarios and statements to make me look crazy. I have been told I’m mentally ill a psycho etc when it was me who could see that something was way off. I dread to think what he has told his family as they have cut me and out young children off but he is a manipulator and a massive liar and unfortunately my reactions to his behaviour at times when I have asked for help probably supports that it’s me who is the problem and poor him. When they have literally no clue of how nasty he is to me and his children.
He lashes out, again I’ve no idea if it’s drugs or the real him but he swings between telling me he hates me it’s over he wouldn’t ever want to be with me etc to rare moments of remorse – very rare. But they come after what feels like closure of how bad things of gotten and yes it’s over . It’s a rollercoaster. I too think the lashing out enables him to justify using.
I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with his children for him but his temper gets the better of him as he acts so paranoid and aggressively to me so for safeguarding I have had to stop this.
He doesn’t ask about them hardly any way. It’s so sad. He has lost everything but rarely admits it. And recovery doesn’t even seem to have entered the picture yet – he saw his gp who referrred him to a group that he has done a initial assessment and a few things with in about 3 months but tells me it’s none of my business.
If he wanted to get his act together for the sake of the children who are very young (under 2) he would have if he was truly committed. It’s devastating but we are in a divorce process now as I can’t take the control he seems to enjoy over me (financially etc) too.
It’s so hard. I sympathise hugely x
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I found out my husband was secretly using cocaine (I had no idea or ever thought it a possibility). We had already separated due to the arguments, violence and basic chaos that our lives has become (and I didn’t know why).
The nice bits you describe are always the first things you think about and it’s like a form of torture but it’s a grief and like you say the darker parts which make us miserable, because we don’t have that reliable person do take more weight at some point in the grieving process.
It’s awful. I wouldn’t wish this emotional whiplash on anyone.
I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you are ok. Thank you for sharing your story, I know how you feel in terms of the addiction, lack of emotion, the not letting go.
I only found out a few months ago my husband of only 4 years has been addicted to cocaine (every other day use) for at least the last two years of our marriage. It was a massive shock. We had a good life – good careers etc – on the outside we wanted for nothing. But inside it was miserable and I had no idea why. I put it down to becoming first time parents in a pandemic and him really struggling with the adjustment of fatherhood.
His unusual behaviour was noted – coinciding with me getting pregnant with our twins who i have also basically raised single handedly and am doing now as a single parent completely (they aren’t even 2).
He too goes days without checking in or asking about them. Even cut them off financially. That is hurtful in itself. Then he rings up / wants to see them, completely un- remorseful about anything.
It’s text book behaviour isn’t it. We cling to hope that one day they will phone up and be remorseful (and mean it) and want the life / person back that they were and the life we should be living.
We ask ourselves if we have been delusional- if our lives were ever even real. And we hide from friends because we are embarrassed to say what is really going on and why our marriages and father of our children are not in the pictures/ stepping up to responsibilities . It’s devastating.
I have started divorcing my husband and it’s the hardest most gut renvhing thing. I’ve wavered a few times on proceeding with it hugely.
I’ve offered a way back but he doesn’t see it. He just sees me as the the enemy. Sometimes I think I won’t find better or happiness. I get angry that this isn’t a common thing surely for people to go through. Affairs maybe?! Growing apart maybe? Being robbed a life by drugs – I don’t know many people I can relate to on that one. Being told over they don’t love you or like you and it’s your behaviour driving them to use, then occasional (rarely) being sent flowers and being told a divorce is hasty.
There are up and down days. I try to remember on the down days the hurt (in my case emotional and even physical once) and the person that is no more.
I too find days of calm when I don’t hear from him as awful as it sounds and I am slowly starting to prefer these days. My children get the best of me and it’s what they deserve.
He doesn’t understand my upset or anger or hurt, or even respect the job that I’m doing with his children – because without being rude he is basically incapable (the fact he doesn’t check in on them at an age where they require 24:7 care proves that). Just sees me as a nag. Tells me I shouldn’t have had children if I find some days particularly hard. It’s a shocking attitude and a selfish one.
I can’t say ive proof my husband cheated but I have a gut that he did. And as heartbreaking as it was to have this feeling (before I knew about the drugs) now I feel at peace with it. Because I am not the person he is – I have never used drugs and point blank would not use drugs and if he prefers the company of someone who does then so be it. And if they aren’t drug users themselves then they will only be getting manipulated and hurt in the same way as me. Not until they are ‘recovered’ will a relationship be for them what it was for us in the beginning. We can however go on (as hurtful as it feels to think) to make new meaningful ones. Which is what I hope one day I may do when I’ve healed a little and got more time/ not in lock down!
It’s not easy but know there are us here who completely 100% get it.
It’s like they read a textbook of how to behave. Xxx