[heartbroken88]

Well I’m already at the point you don’t want to be at. I’m on my own with our children (both under 2) and he hasn’t seen them for over two months now. We have sold our family home that I left not realising I would never be going back (because I didn’t know about the drugs at this point and I will be having my belongings and my children’s moved for me).

Even if he wanted to try our home would Be gone as I understand it can be a trigger to be in places they have used.

Going it alone is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever had to do. I have days where I just don’t know how I am clinging on and I get so angry with him that he just doesn’t care. Not emotionally not financially- not anything. I get nothing except him wanting to virtually see the children yet he cut them off without a penny for over a 5 weeks (it’s not about money I know but I don’t work) and refuses to discuss maintenance payments with me – it’s his form of control and manipulation that I will continue to need him I think.

My family although disappointed and shocked would have supported us should he have chosen to act responsibly and accountably but he then went further off the rails after the admission (cutting us off, temper etc) so he has continued to damage and hurt us hugely.

I thought he wanted change but I think I just caught him out and he had to say what he thought he had to say. He is proven liar so I can’t trust a word that comes out his mouth. We have had no proof that he is on a programme or that he is even clean (he is saying he is but only when I ask him – he isn’t desperate to get his relationships back).

[heartbroken88]

You are a better person than me – I can’t do objectively. I’ve tried all ways, granted not for long periods but I’ve played nice, calm, angry, frustrated and nothing dents him. In fact I think when I am talking to him at all it gives him reason to continue to do what he is doing. If I’m being nice it allows him to think there isn’t a problem, if I’m being angry (by telling him the truth of what he is/what he is missing with his kids) then it pushes him to do it more/ can’t deal with me. Any way I turn to deal with him it’s lose lose. I’m at the end of dealing with him. I’ve gone round in circles thinking I am to blame for my reactions to him but I’m realising whatever I do doesn’t matter because he hasn’t really taken accountability . It’s so hurtful

[heartbroken88]

It sounds like we have very similar situations in length of time it has been a secret form us and our husbands ages. It’s reassuring actually to hear that he too is selfish like mine – I was worried it was something separate to the drugs (which of course it is because it too came first) but as in it explains the personality. Sorry if that is offensive to anyone but it makes me think it is way more than just the cocaine he needs help with.

I thought my husband was in the same place – realising that he has messed everything up and wanting a fresh start. But he still blames me – and I am not perfect I’ve gone through a lot separately during this time in having our children (we struggled to conceive and I had a awful pregnancy and birth – dealt with newborn babies hundreds of miles from any support network then a pandemic) and he tells me I was difficult to live with. I’ve had my own counselling for this. I’m sure I was but a husband should support / talk not go in his man cave to ‘escape’ through taking cocaine. It become increasingly more frustrating between us because I could see his responsibilities being neglected and me left carrying a lot of the can and starting to resent him whilst being told he was working hard to support us so leaving me feeling very guilty. I put on hold a good career to have our family so I was vulnerable in a lot of ways because it was the first time I have ever had to rely on anyone financially.

It’s all manipulation.

I find it extremely hurtful when I do speak to him when he wants to see the kids virtually because I am completely irrelevant to him. I think it’s because I pull him up on his behaviour and the truth hurts. He is a terrible father his children don’t know him nor does he know them what they can do say favourite things etc. Yet I think he thinks checking in briefly makes up for him completely abandoning all his responsibilities to us. He hasn’t proved he is clean nor has he proved he is doing any sort of programme and i feat because he is not answerable to anyone but himself right now the drug use won’t or hasn’t stopped.

It is so so tough but I also think he is too far down the road.

I didn’t think stan4 you were making an excuse – the opposite it validates that he is what he denies he is

[heartbroken88]

I have to admit, unless you count texts (because we are living hundreds of miles apart) as writing it down then I havnt. But sometimes my texts do as you say – I spend time wording them to not blame (we had a few marriage counselling sessions too but I didn’t know about the cocaine at this point) but whatever I say be it calm, angry, frustrated, nice – it makes no difference. He avoids and ignores. He also has an issue with control which is why I think he also ignores and withholds on conversations to do with his children even financially supporting them. The problem is my husband wants it all his own way so as soon as a civil conversation turns to a subject he wants to avoid it ends.

I have reached a point this week – up until now I’ve wanted to still be in touch with him, let him see the children virtually hoping it will make him realise but it hasn’t. If anything he is worse. Emotionless. It’s too heartbreaking and we don’t deserve it as much as it hurts like hell to ‘write him off’ but dealing with him only adds pain and confusion and I’m about at my limit. Doing what I’ve been doing is only allowing him to stay in denial. I’ve felt to blame and guilty that I’ve not perhaps been more supportive because it seems an accepted thing in the area that he is in/ we used to live. I’ve recently confided in some family members who were unaware and their reaction has given me the small confidence boost I needed to realise he is very much doing something that is not acceptable especially when he has young children (which I know) but I feel up until this point his closer relatives havnt even acknowledged it as a serious problem & In doing so are also enabling him.

Stan4 that’s an interesting perspective and one that gives me a little more confidence in that what I am now doing (letting him go) is probably for the best.

[heartbroken88]

I hadn’t heard of this either, so it’s good to have it as a reference. However my husband isn’t speaking to me now believe it or not so I doubt he is anywhere near ready to really change. He says he isn’t using but he hasn’t gone out of his way to prove that and unless there is proof I don’t want to know. For the sake of our children .

I’d love him to want to really change. But I fear he is too selfish and too immature at the age of nearly 40 even!

The pain is devastating and heartbreaking and even more so when there is what feels like absolutely no hope. Every day I feel like I am in a nightmare. I am having to accept that it is over completely between us and pray that I can protect our children from his ways.

[heartbroken88]

I hadn’t heard of this either, so it’s good to have it as a reference. However my husband isn’t speaking to me now believe it or not so I doubt he is anywhere near ready to really change. He says he isn’t using but he hasn’t gone out of his way to prove that and unless there is proof I don’t want to know. For the sake of our children .

I’d love him to want to really change. But I fear he is too selfish and too immature at the age of nearly 40 even!

The pain is devastating and heartbreaking and even more so when there is what feels like absolutely no hope. Every day I feel like I am in a nightmare. I am having to accept that it is over completely between us and pray that I can protect our children from his ways.

[heartbroken88]

Those are very wise words – thank you and very good ideas. I have taken control of the day. I guess it’s still all so raw because I am still accepting what is reality and the life and family life I thought I had doesn’t exist or has maybe never existed!

You are completely right in what you say and I was worried about writing that last post in case I would be judged. But it was a grief for a family situation that’s gone by, as I’m sure as I move through others, birthdays, Christmas I will need to process in the same way.

It is like the person has died. Because they have left and you don’t know what they have really left for. Any type of abandonment or break down is hard but it’s hard to comprehend that they leave for some white powder and put it above everything including the most precious things like their children.

And you do blame yourself and they are always happy to blame you.

[heartbroken88]

It is reassuring somehow isn’t it to read identical situations. It makes you feel more ‘normal’ in the un-normal.

You can kind of take comfort in thinking that most of their behaviour is typical drug addiction behaviour?

I have been very quiet this week, I’ve struggled. My husband and I are separated and living miles from each other. We are still in contact over the children (virtually only) he says he has stopped the cocaine, however I just know this not to be true. He has been uncontactable a few nights and groggy a few days. Typical behaviour of what I think to be the pattern.

He has also ‘forgotten’ Mother’s Day which I find deeply hurtful. My children are under two so by no means aware of the day & I am so so grateful just to have them & be with them but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful for me. it’s not about ‘stuff’ but I feel so hurt knowing my friends and family have ‘real’ husbands & fathers who step up & I just feel like crap and it just shows my husbands complete lack of respect for me especially as at the moment it is just me looking after our children because he isn’t capable. Every day I am on my own now just scrabbling to get through it not knowing what character he is going to play – jeckle or Hyde, or if he is going to cut us off again.

I don’t mean this to sound selfish or materialistic- I really don’t & im sure there isn’t a perfect family but at basic to have this stripped & to be abandoned is just a pain that is so tough to carry.

I honestly don’t think I can give him much more of my thought or energy because he is destroying me and in turn my family.

This is why I have been quiet on here, but equally it’s the only place where anyone can truly understand

[heartbroken88]

Thank you for replying everyone. I am relieved to know I am not alone.

Notmyrealname – sorry you are going through this too. I don’t know my husband either. I don’t know if I even married the man I thought I did. He has been using this drug for more than half of our marriage. However I never would have thought the man I married would behave this way toward his own children. He has been very cruel. Cutting us off physically and financially. I moved out of our family home before I found out about the drugs because I was miserable. I felt so guilty as I had no ‘concrete’ reason. Now I know I was right to think something was off. You ask the questions (well I didn’t about drugs because it never crossed my mind) but hey excuses or made to feel like it’s you being dramatic. But I guess I always felt there was something unbeknown to me. I just let myself believe he was struggling to confess he was struggling with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. Some men do so I’m told.

I didn’t have a support network around me and it was extremely isolating, (without Covid) and with two children under 2 I was really struggling and I couldn’t live like that – I just thought he didn’t want to be a father or husband. I thought maybe there was someone else buy that didn’t lead me anywhere so when I found out about the drugs I was relieved but I don’t think he was ready to really change – he was forced into telling me and said what I think he believed he should have said in admitting it.

I’m constantly even to this day being let down – he never prioritises us (over everything- work, his family) and it always hurts me deeply. I don’t know if that’s him or the drugs. Surely the drugs don’t explain everything.

SMarker – I am sorry too you are in this situation also. I have left him too but it seems to have done little to change his attitude although he says he has stopped using. He went through a month of being absolutely vile / cruel to us accompanied by him being really depressed so maybe he did stop, maybe he has re started and that’s why he is more communicative slightly now, but I just don’t know. He blames me/ our marriage for it all – he does it for escapism apparently. I find it hard to accept or believe this. Even worse to contemplate any future because it’s like he can’t cope with commitment or responsibility or life’s ups and downs. I know I havnt been perfect myself. I suffered after our children were born – I think I had a little of undiagnosed PND but he was very unsupportive whilst I was pregnant and ever since. His drug use coincided with just before I got pregnant. I feel like he has had ultimatums- I actually have started divorcing him. So maybe it is just me. It is so deep rooted like you say. I feel so let down by him hurt and angry that I just don’t have any patience for him. Because I also see he has hurt our children in this – they have had no where near the life I thought. It’s been a constant rollercoaster and upheaval for them – something else I feel I can’t forgive him for. I wish I felt less angry towards him but it’s frustrating to watch him just ‘not get it’.

2468anyadvice – so sorry you too are going through this.

I relate completely with what you say. My husband too would say I was controlling for pulling him up on his behaviour or asking him to make changes or asking him even simple things like what time he would be finishing work. I think it’s like a resistance to us because they know they are in the wrong and it’s to make themselves feel better – but it’s taken me a long time to accept that. At first I blamed myself for everything entirely. It’s been a very dark time. And like you I feel everywhere you look or read the answer is it never gets better or it does then it relapses at some point. So will it be 6 months, or 10 years… and I ask myself can I face this hurt again years down the line. It hurts like hell right now but do I want to go through it again and when my children’ will be more aware. It’s so so hard and definitely one of the hardest things I think anyone has to go through.

[heartbroken88]

It sounds like you have thought a lot about your position. Thank you for the info on what you have been researching.

It is so hard to be in this situation- and I feel for you that you are getting on with life with your son almost without him – this is exactly what I felt I was doing but I didn’t know he was using. So I never ever kept my cool with him. Constant arguments because he was resisting me highlighting his responsibilities he was neglecting – just turned me into being a ‘nag’ etc. There is no getting through to them until they want to do it for themselves.

I wish I’d done what you had done and gathered myself financially. I don’t work due to our children being so young. Though I have a career which I put on hold to have our family. So I was financially dependent on my husband.

Once he turned nasty he cut me and the children off financially too. He really didn’t care either and was quite pleased with himself because it was the only thing he had to use/ hurt me with. I had to start applying for benefits (which I have never done) and my family kept us in shopping and meals. He has destroyed every relationship through his nastiness. I don’t understand what is the drug and what is my husband because I think he has always been a bit selfish but to go from doting on his much younger siblings and nieces and nephews so to basically neglecting his own children is incomprehensible to me.

My family are of the opinion it can’t just be the drug to be so vile and abandon us. But we know nothing about drugs or addiction. And I feel too that I can’t or could never forgive him for his behaviour.

My children are so young they don’t know any different and they barely know him – they know his face but he has never done more than be physically present when absolutely necessary- he has never really played with them, or read to them or taught them anything. I feel like I need to protect them from him before they too get hurt and let down by him. They already have been but they don’t know that.

It’s so tough, you sound strong. It’s something everyone tells me but I don’t feel it. I was really lonely with my husband because we were constantly against each other he would be in a separate part of the house from me of an evening, but I knew he was there. Now I’m on my own completely and it’s hard. Because you think of the good and not all the misery. And I think because I know it’s drugs now part of me wants or hopes he will miraculously be cured and I get the man I married back. It is so hard to accept.

[heartbroken88]

I am so sad to read this as I can again relate. I don’t know who I am either and like you I would never ever have let myself be treated this way but somehow I’m waking up every morning in this nightmare.

I had to take myself out of our marriage. Due to not only lock down my husband had isolated us completely (I understand why now) and I had no support network living hundreds of miles from my own family with two children under 2.

My husband too would be present physically but showed limited interest and boredom in spending any time with our children and would avoid me and family time at all costs. Usually saying he was working etc I now know he wasn’t just working.

It is a horrid situation to be in in this climate. I have very dark days myself. My husbands family have cut me and our children off – seeing me as the trouble maker I think because I stand up to him/ them and won’t stand for the behaviour or acceptance – just because he is holding down a job doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem. I’ve had to live with this jeckyl and Hyde monster

. I’ve also had to put in measures such as divorce and social services in place to protect us because of my husbands temper. The drink goes hand in hand with this also.

We would constantly argue – although it was always me who caused it being a nag and I just can’t have my children in that environment anymore – I left before I knew about the cocaine. And I felt so so guilty for doing so because I had no concrete reason – except for it just wasn’t working and I got the impression my husband just wanted to be a single man.

Again it always looks like I am the bad guy and the guilt and questioning myself is unbearable at times because I look like the one making the ‘drama’.

It’s reassuring to hear that the pattern of behaviour is common amongst users in so much that it helps me see that it isn’t me. But it’s really hard to accept. I don’t want to get divorced but my husband has become so vile, so angry and so horrible to me that some of the things he has said done and accused me of I just don’t think we can ever recover from. It would have been very different if he had told me and told me he wanted help and gone about getting that help without going even further of the rails.

[heartbroken88]

Hello, I just wanted to reply to your post. I could relate hugely. I just found out in January that my husband has secretly been taking cocaine heavily. It was a huge shock. Our marriage was in decline and I had no idea it was drugs. We started a family and I thought he was struggling with that (we went through a lot). He blames me for everything including saying it is ‘escapism’ from our marriage. It’s so hurtful. Not long after I found out he cut us off in every way possible and has been so vile and nasty. It is a living hell.

I’ve told my family as I’ve had to move back near to them and they are completely shocked too. He too has a good income and job which is why I never knew about money going missing etc .

I sort of backed him into a corner in how I found out – after a particularly nasty incident he took cash out of my purse, a friend suggested drugs – by this point I was desperate to understand why his behaviour was as bad as it was (two years of decline!) so I researched addiction/ drug use and our lives were textbook to it. So I threatened him with a hair test to prove it. Of course he said I was crazy as it’s what he likes me and his family to think. I don’t think he would have told me otherwise.

I’ve left him and started divorce proceedings. I’m devastated though. We had such a good life with it all to live for. He has seen a GP who has referred him to help and he has apparently started that but it’s taken months / weeks to get to a first appointment which is all virtual and I think he still thinks it’s not that much of a big deal. Like it’s a problem but not horrific. He has become more rational now but we had about 5 weeks of nothing from him – except really really bad behaviour, constant blaming me/ violent/ abusive/ depressive – I don’t know if was because he stopped taking it and maybe now he is calmer because he is back on it. It’s so hard. He has the means to go into a rehab (I know this isn’t always right, I just think he could benefit mentally) but hasn’t and it seems to be not a huge deal that he is getting help. Certainly not trying to convince me or anything – when to me it should be the biggest thing so he can eventually have a relationship with his children again.

He definitely doesn’t think he is an addict because despite telling me he was using every other day (worse since lockdown too) he can apparently go weeks (apparently 3 weeks once late last year) without it too.

Can you ever ever trust/ rebuild with someone like this. I’m devastated as it’s not the man I married. He really is a monster.

I hope you are ok. It’s so hard to talk to anyone who understands.

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