[holkat]

Thank you Kate for your comment ❤️

It’s been so hard for us both as I have really tried to support him, talk to him, help him access information and services, and I’ve had to just accept that only he can take that step and get the help and he either won’t or can’t.

I have never just wanted to kick him out as I don’t have any animosity towards him at all I want him to be safe and be ok so I have continued to support him to find somewhere to live which is why it’s been 4 months and he’s still here! Its been so so hard but I could not have done it any other way, this is who I am. His boys always come first and have everything they need here and they will at his new home as well.

I’ll never stop caring for him and having hope that he will get better x

[holkat]

It’s such a hard time to be going through all of this, for you and for us. Things weren’t toxic between us and I didn’t want to kick him out, I just knew our relationship was over because he is in the thick of this addiction and doesn’t want to change it right now.

I’ve managed the break up carefully because he’s got his 2 boys and I would never want to put them in any situation where they couldn’t come and see their dad, so I’ve just been trying to help him find somewhere, which he has now finally and just waiting for a moving date.

The in between has just been awful because he has once or twice got upset and said he doesn’t want to go, but the rest of the time he’s a avoided me and continued to drink, slept on the couch where I then have to just sit upstairs.

I am really starting to get emotional about it all now (crying as I write this) because it’s all just so overwhelming alongside work and everything else, and I’m just so terribly sad about it and I still wish with all my heart he will get better x

[holkat]

You are welcome ❤️

He’s not great and we’ve actually split up now. He’s still going to work and seeing the kids, he’s just functioning now. He’s gone onto rum as well as the lager now. I just could never get through to him, he couldn’t get to a place where he could even talk about it let alone get any support.

I’ve battled with the decision to end it for so long and feel like I’ve just done everything I can, and even splitting up with him hasn’t changed anything. It’s so heartbreaking and I still love him so much and want him to be ok but I genuinely believe he will get better on his own.

We split up in May but he’s not moved out yet as it’s been really hard for him to find housing. We’ve got on and been civil with each other but it’s been so hard and stressful for us both. I just wish so so much he would let me help him but he just can’t do it ????

[holkat]

Hey Danman83,

I’ve just come on after ages of not being on and yours was the first thread I saw. We chatted a while back on one of my threads and you were so nice to me and understanding about my problems with my boyfriend.

I just wanted to say, I am so in awe of your strength and determination. As someone who is watching a person I love and care about abuse alcohol and not having an ounce of wanting to get better or do anything about it, it’s so so inspiring to see people here, like you, who can talk about the good times and the bad, and who want to give it their all to get better.

I hope you’re ok and doing well. Keep going, one day, one step at a time. You inspire people every day ❤️

[holkat]

Absolutely amazing achievement, so admirable and inspirational for so many others ☀️ Thank you for sharing your story and for helping me out on here too! So proud of you!! ????????????????????

[holkat]

No I think you’re absolutely right! I think he wants to, I don’t think he would ever want to go completely sober. I feel like it’s got to a point now though where it’s been made into such a big thing I don’t know if we’ll be able to get back to any kind of normality or nice relationship. If that’s how it is, that’s life, but it’s sad. I do try and be supportive but maybe I’m just overbearing LOL! I just believe in him and love him, I want the best for him that’s all.

He came back about 8pm. No idea where he goes – he does walk a lot so he probably does just walk and walk for miles. I don’t really think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t but thoughts like that just get taken over by anxiety in my head and it’s hard fighting it off sometimes.

God it’s like my counselling session on here isn’t it haha! Thanks for your comments. It’s nice to just have a space to express how I’m feeling and I appreciate people being there and responding, it really means a lot.

Well I believe in you and I am sure many other people do! You’ve come this far and it’s one day at a time, like you said to me ☺️ You’re doing amazing ❤️ Xx

[holkat]

I know, and this is what I’m always trying to understand, like is he unable to talk to me about it? Does he not thinks it’s a problem? Does he want to continue drinking and he’s annoyed because he thinks I’m going over the top? I feel like I never know where I stand or what to say. If I just don’t mention it, within a few days he’s back home after his walk drunk and we start all over again.

That’s so true with it being everywhere, and every social situation involves it, I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is for anyone trying to stay sober. No, I didn’t get him the beer and he has no money to get it himself, hence the cold shoulder when I got back! He’s not been great the last couple of days – he’s got a broken tooth which is bothering him but can’t get registered with a dentist because of Covid so I know that’s massively bothering him, plus not having money to drink. I just don’t know why he doesn’t feel he can lean on me or talk to me, I feel like it’s never going to happen. He took the kids back to their mums today, and then went out for a walk about 4pm, he’s still not back. I’ve text to see if he’ll be back soon and he just said no. I asked if he’s ok, he said, yeah. That’s all I get. No idea where he is, what he’s doing, or when he’ll be home, so I just sit here doing my own thing and being dragged emotionally from one extreme to the other. One minute I’m thinking he’s a grown man and I can’t control him, if he doesn’t want or need help from me that’s fine. Then the next minute I’m catastrophising thinking all kinds, what if he’s off cheating, stealing beers, what if he hurts himself? It’s so emotionally draining knowing what to do or think for the best.

I am so pleased to hear you had a lovely time in Blackpool! That is so sweet and I am sure that was the best feeling ever for you. Little does your daughter know just how strong and dedicated her dad is ☺️

[holkat]

Hey,

Thanks for your last reply, I really do appreciate your comments and recommendations. It’s so valuable to me and many others sharing your experience they way you have so I hope you know how much I appreciate it!

We’ve had an ok week this week. My other half said he wouldn’t drink all week, and he had I think one drink on Sunday and that was it. I think he’s struggling with it but our biggest challenge is he will just not talk about it. I asked him yesterday how he’s feeling having not had a drink all week, just really calm and normal and he goes straight on the defensive ‘why are you going on about it like I’ve got a big problem, I’m fine’ so I said I was just trying to show him some compassion and he said ‘I don’t need compassion’. It breaks my heart at times but talking just isn’t something he can do.

I went shopping earlier and he asked if I would buy beers. I said I wouldn’t and he said ‘I haven’t had any for ages’ and it’s just made me feel so disheartened because I know now when he gets money next week he’ll buy them. And you know what? All the way around the supermarket, I feel so guilty. I looked down the aisle loads of times, it was actually hard not to because I knew he was peed off I wouldn’t buy them. He’s barely spoken to me since I got home.

I’m trying to be really open minded and remember that him not drinking for this many days is a big thing and no doubt it’s not pleasant for him. It’s still hard though.

Anyways…each day as it comes I suppose! I’m in touch with this family support group locally and they’ve been doing Zoom meetings in the pandemic, but it’s on a Friday afternoon and I can’t make it most weeks because of work. But they just set up a group WhatsApp and sent loads of other local support groups through for families so I am going to think about going to one of those.

Hope you’ve had a good week! Look after yourself, keep in touch! ☺️

[holkat]

I can see your last 2 posts here ????

I’d also like to say thanks for all of the comments and support. It is terribly sad what people go through every day, but as you say it’s also really supportive to read about peoples experiences and take some comfort from knowing we’re not alone.

This forum has shown me how unbelievably strong people are, to live through such adversity in seeing our loved ones in pain and struggling, whilst them struggling ourselves with our own emotions and feelings, fears and frustrations.

Reading peoples stories and supportive comments really does give me a little bit of strength each day and makes me so grateful I found this forum ❤️

[holkat]

Thanks for that recommendation that’s really interesting and I will have a look! And you know I’ve never really properly looked into the AA steps and some of those you’ve mentioned sound really useful. I can’t pretend to understand everything my boyfriend has been through but what I know and how he’s spoken about things, I know he despises his dad. His mum passed away when he was 11 and after that his dad became alcohol dependent and neglected him until he left at 16 to live with his older brother who helped him get a job and have a proper life. His dad moved them around a lot because of debts and would leave them alone at home for days with no money or food. I can understand why he would hate him so much, but I don’t think it’s something he has ever tried to face and deal with, I don’t think he ever could. His dad died when he was 24 and he says he went to his funeral just to make sure he was really dead. It’s horrible to say it so bluntly like that but after the hell his dad put him through, I don’t blame him. It’s part of the reason he was so endearing to me, when I met him and he told me all the terrible things in his life, not like I wanted to look after him but just the courage and strength he’s shown throughout his life after all that, how he worked his way up into a good job and had his kids I just admired that so much and still do. I think thats why i feel so strongly that I know he can get through anything, I don’t want this to be the thing that defeats him but maybe it is about him facing up to those resentments as you say and forgiving those people but I don’t know if he will ever be able to.

You are right it doesn’t sound that much and when I think back to last year it’s so much better. I worry because I know it could go back to that so quickly, he could drink 10 cans tomorrow and I’d be so worried. He doesn’t drink spirits, I don’t think he ever has in the time I’ve known him, it’s always lager. He will drink wine if it’s there. But like you say, it’s the way he slopes off and does it, and the fact he’s in public like not even in a pub (obviously no choice at the minute with pubs shut!) I’ve said to him loads, please don’t drink when you’re out, just drink at home it’s ok, I won’t nag or moan (and I won’t) if he was just doing it safely at home and obviously then it’s easier for me to keep an eye on it. But he just won’t and I think that’s my fault, because I’ve made too much of a big deal out of it.

I just wish he could see I just care about him and love him so much, I just want him to have the life he deserves after all the crap he’s put up with and I want to be there with him doing that. I don’t want him to throw it all away when I know he’s strong enough to do it. I just never know day by day how to deal with it, whether to keep trying to talk to him, or just step back and let him figure it out.

I’m sorry to hear your partner isn’t as supportive as you would like. I know what you mean about her having had enough, as you said I don’t know the full story and wouldn’t want to assume, but you’re together, you are doing what you need to do and she seems to be cooperating about her friends and things and that’s really positive.

I just think everything you’re doing sounds amazing and if it works for you that’s all that matters. It takes such determination and commitment which isn’t always easy and you’re there doing it! Keep going!

[holkat]

I know what you mean, but I always believe no matter how tough it gets for someone or how low a point you get to, there is some strength or courage somewhere inside you that’s made you take that step, and stick to it. Honestly well done, it’s really inspiring. I genuinely do believe my partner has got that in him somewhere, I think that’s why I get so frustrated sometimes.

He has had a pretty traumatic life particularly as a child, and sometimes I think he could have gone down that path as soon as he left home at 16, but he didn’t. He has worked every day of his life since being 16, he is so bright and insightful and intelligent, I KNOW he wants better for himself but he has such low self esteem and lacks so much confidence that’s what stops him, I think anyway. I probably don’t go about it the right way half the time, I try my best not to nag him or smother him with love LOL but sometimes it’s just how I am and I know that doesn’t help. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what I do he has to do it himself and take that step.

That’s so sad about your friend and it really scared me, there are so many stories and even someone in my family before I was born where they’ve died in a fired because they fell asleep drunk, I cannot bare the thought of it, and obviously I was in the house as well, it just doesn’t bare thinking about!

It does have to be a day by day thing you’re right, I actually tried that way years ago when I stopped smoking ‘just don’t do it today’ and then tomorrow is a different day. I might have suggested that to him in the past but he is so difficult to talk to and I don’t know if he can really think like that.

We don’t have kids together but he has 2 sons from his previous relationship who are 12 and 8. They are brilliant kids and he is truly an amazing dad, they adore him. I’ve tried to talk about them as well when we talk about the drinking just to try and get through to him and I think it does work to an extent. But then it all comes back to exactly what you’re counsellor said, and what you’ve said is exactly what he does. As soon as he gets paid it’s a few cans. I can see how delighted he is on payday and I know that’s why.

Sometimes I think to myself, am I being over the top about this? He isn’t alcohol dependent, he can go days without it and the days he does drink it’s just a few cans, should I lay off, maybe it’s not as bad as I feel like it is? It was much worse last year, when he was working as head chef and they went back to work in the summer after 2 months of furlough, he was drinking 8-10 cans a night for 10 nights on the run, so it’s nowhere near as bad as that now. Maybe I’ve just got so worked up in my head, I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill.

But I am terrified of what could happen if it continues, I want him to address it now before it gets to that point but he doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem.

Has your GF found it hard supporting you? Have things been better between you since you’ve been off it? I bet she is so proud of you!

[holkat]

You obviously have so much strength to do everything you can to quit and it’s really admirable. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is. And I do agree with you, you at least this is what I go back and forth with all the time, why should I put up with all of this if he isn’t showing any willing to get better? But then the other side, should I be more supportive? Is there more I could do to understand it better or help him in some way? It’s a constant battle and it is draining.

I’ve said on a few posts on here I’ve been thinking for a while that I will leave but I can’t find the right way to say it but I did do it a few days ago. He doesn’t drink copious amounts but he’s now stopped drinking at home and instead goes out for long walks and buys cans at the shop to drink on his way round. He tells me he usually only gets 4 which I do believe because I can tell now how much he’s had by how drunk he seems. He hasn’t engaged with by support services since I’ve know him (3 years) but I know he has in the past before we met.

Last week I think it was Thursday night, I woke up at 2am and went downstairs, he’d been drinking and put a bread in the oven to bake (he’s a chef) and had fallen asleep on the sofa. Luckily the oven turned itself off but the bread was completely black and if it had been a gas oven it would have been a different story. This is after he wrote off my car last year (he had a small bump but airbags went off, I don’t know if he was over the limit but he had had a drink) So on Friday morning I had a proper talk with him. I said, I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s been 6 months, you’ve written off my car, nearly burnt the house down, I don’t want to be around you when you’ve had a drink which is most days, so what has to happen for you to get some help? You hurt yourself in the car? You burn the house down? Does someone have to be physically hurt for it to make you stop? So I said, this relationship isn’t anything , it’s crap, this isn’t working out and I don’t want to deal with it anymore so if that’s it and you’re going to carry on I don’t want to be with you.

He just said all the usual things, that he can stop and wants to stop, he’s going to try not to drink all this week as a start. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, didn’t drink. Monday, went out for a walk, not visibly drunk when he came back but later I smelled it on his breath. I just didn’t say anything. He wasn’t drunk so he probably only had one can, maybe 2 but that’s why it’s a problem isn’t it – he HAS to drink something even if it’s just one. I don’t know how long I’ll leave it before our next conversation but I want to believe I will go through with it.

It’s just such a rubbish situation all round at the moment, I can’t help but hope and wish he will stop or get some help, but I also have to be willing to accept that might not happen and I have to make a choice for myself about my future and the future of our relationship.

[holkat]

Hi Danman83,

First of all, AMAZING on your 101 days, what a fantastic achievement you should be so proud!

And secondly, thank you so much for sharing this from your perspective, having experienced addiction. I massively value your input and I’ve spoken to others who’ve been through addiction to try and get an understanding of what it’s like from the other side.

I do believe addiction is an illness and the example you’ve given there is spot on. There are many people out there who would put a drink down and say ‘I’ve had enough’ or do the same with drugs, whereas some people don’t or ultimately can’t.

Looking at addiction from the outside, for me, it seemed much easier to say that, much more clear cut. Now that I am living with an alcoholic, someone who I love and who loves me, it changed my outlook completely – not that I changed my mind about it being an illness but it gave me the insight into what the reality is like for someone with an addiction. As well as that it invited many, many more complex thoughts and emotions for me that I’d never expected.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve learned a massive lesson in that you can never really have a clear cut picture of what it’s like until you live it, nor can you ever truly understand what it’s like for that person if you’ve never experienced it, no matter how much research you do or how many questions you ask. Part of it for me is almost wishing and willing my partner to believe it’s ‘easy’ or at least easier than he might think to get help, purely out or desperation and terror of what could happen to him and dreading it. Part of it is also I think me being frustrated with him or dismissive because I don’t want to believe this illness is controlling him, I want so much more than anything to somehow give him power over it. But I am also really trying to work through my own stuff, because the way I feel about it and react to him isn’t just about him, it’s also massively about me and all of my own stuff and the person I am. That’s a part of my struggle and battle just as much as his behaviour and what he does or doesn’t do about it. It’s almost like (and this is me being REAL honest) if was to leave him, it would be easier not to hate myself for leaving him if I ‘believe’ he chose to treat me like this rather than him not being able to control the illness or those choices. And that’s all because of who I am, the kind of person I am and how much I would hate myself and feel guilty for the rest of my life if I left him when he’s going through this illness.

I feel like that makes me sound like the most horrible awful person in the world but that’s the truth, and hence why every day is a dilemma and mental battle.

[holkat]

Hi Kellsbells, thanks for your response and I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I can relate completely to your experiences and the way it makes you feel. There are some days I can’t even bare to look at him or be around him (mostly when I know he’s been drinking) and I’ll just slope off upstairs to get away from him. And then I sit in the bedroom watching TV thinking, ‘this is my house as well, and I’m sat in my bedroom?!’ And it just shines a spotlight every time on how dysfunctional our whole relationship actually is.

I was just saying on another post about that fear of what he would do if we ended. I am so terrified of that, but I am also trying to tell myself that I am not responsible for his behaviour, his actions. With my partner, he is not fully dependent and he does not drink every single day, so he does have some time spent sober, where he can think and make decisions for himself. So I will not take responsibility for his actions and I shouldn’t because he is his own person and that would never be fair on me.

I genuinely feel I have done everything I can to be there for him. I am not saying I’m perfect or I’ve always gone about it the right way, but I have tried my best to learn. I’ve called helplines and use this forum, and I’ve done lots of reading and research about addiction and childhood trauma to try and understand what he might be going through, as well as learn different ways to approach him and support him. Maybe I’m not doing it right or something I don’t know, but I can honestly say I have tried my best. The sad thing for me is I don’t think he really sees the extent I’ve tried to help him and he still can’t seem to change or accept help.

At this moment in time (4:30am on Good Friday – woke up at 2 to find he’s fallen asleep downstairs with bread in the oven, luckily turned itself off but the bread is a black lump!) I think we’d both be happier and better off apart. But, I just can’t seem to bring myself to make the words come out of my mouth and I don’t know why?! Maybe I’ll get some courage soon to take the step I don’t know…time will tell I suppose.

I hope you’re ok, look after yourself and keep talking on the forum, I hope it helps in some way x

[holkat]

Thanks for your reply, the way you’ve explained it is really helpful! And I would definitely agree with everything you’ve said. And thank your for talking about self care, you’re right it’s very important and I think it’s something that myself, and probably many others, do neglect because we’re trying to always be there for our loved ones without thinking about the impact on ourselves, or feeling that we deserve to be happy and look after ourselves. I know that’s something I am fighting for at the moment, to feel that I do deserve to be happy. I am with my partner because I do love and care about him very much, but I should also strive to be happy myself, and if our relationship is not functioning in a way we can both have some happiness and support each other, maybe it’s better for us to move on.

[Author]

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