[holkat]

Hi there,

Thanks for your post and sharing your experience. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I can really relate to what you’re going through right now. I am in a very similar position with my partner, and I want to leave but I can’t seem to bring myself to say the words out loud.

My partner has become somewhat dependent on alcohol to cope with anxiety, depression and self loathing I think. He’s not fully dependent but my concern is that’s the way it’s going when I see his drinking behaviour. He’s currently in a position where he’s unemployed and we’ve had to apply for some benefits to help us out (I still work full time from home) my monthly pay gives us about £200 spare each month which needs to go on food for us and his 2 boys who are with us for half the week, but still whenever he gets the chance, he buys cans. He no longer drinks them in the house, instead choosing to walk around the local park and then come back hours later drunk. In October he wrote off my car, tonight he fell asleep having left bread cooking in the oven. Luckily it’s electric and turned itself off. I’ve caught him peeing in the back garden when he’s come back from his walks, and I can’t count the number of times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and he’s fast asleep sat on the toilet.

I’ve never had to call him an ambulance luckily, and that must be so scary for you. I don’t want to get to that point.

I’ve asked, begged, cried, screamed and shouted for him to get some help and support. I’ve sent him information, I’ve even called the alcohol service to ask them what the process is and written it down step by step for him to try and make it seem not so scary.

I did a post on here recently asking people, is this addiction a choice or an illness and how should I treat it, how should I act, because that’s a big thing I struggle with. The feedback I’ve had has been amazing and so so helpful (this forum is great) but I personally feel at a point where I want to leave.

I hear what you’re saying about the fear that your partner may be worse if you leave or may harm himself, this is a big fear for me too. I sometimes feel terrible that I’m thinking of leaving when he is at rock bottom, what would that make me? Is this just me being selfish? Being unfair and not being supportive? I think where I’m at right now is trying to build up the strength to know firstly, that his decisions and choices and behaviour are NOT my responsibility. He is a grown man, he’s been through a lot in life but he knows there is help and support out there. I have offered my support for months and months now, I have been understanding, sympathetic, I’ve tried ‘leaving him to it’ as you’ve said, I’ve tried sitting down and having an adult conversation about it, I’ve sent him emails instead of talking to see if that helps him open up a bit more. But now, we’re 6 months down the line and he’s crashed my car and nearly burnt the house down, yet still feels unable to ask for any kind of support or help, from me or anyone else. I don’t know how far he would let it get before he does get help, but I don’t feel like I deserve to have to deal with that.

It’s still very hard for me as I am sure it is for you, to accept that I want to leave. It makes me feel sick and so guilty but I am just trying to build up strength everyday, and trying to remember that he is an adult, he can make his own choices and decisions to get help, and remembering that I also deserve to be happy and have a partner who can be there for me as much as I am for him, I deserve to have a fulfilled life and I genuinely cannot remember the last time I enjoyed something or felt happy.

I just got on a roll there, sorry for the long post! Basically I just wanted to say I hear you, you’re not alone, it’s really tough. Always just be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can but it’s also ok to want to put yourself first x

[holkat]

Hi VMac123

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, and I hope it’s been helpful to share here. I completely feel your pain and also go through this emotional turmoil constantly, every day. Also the no sex! He actually said to me once, why do we never have sex? I completely blew my top because why would I be in any mood for intimacy when he had been drinking most days and lies to me and doesn’t ever listen to me or talk to me about anything.

I have just been saying in another post, I do not want to live my life like this or have our relationship like this but I feel a massive guilt and responsibility and that’s what is stopping me at the moment, that is my biggest struggle. My partner has no family and pretty much nowhere to go so I genuinely don’t know what he would do if I said it was over. I would be terrified he would fall more deeply into drinking and all these what if’s just wear me down because I do still love and care about him so much.

Keep talking and sharing, it has been so helpful to me to hear your experience and I am so sorry for what you’re facing x

[holkat]

Hi The Bard

Thank you for sharing your experience, I have felt very grateful reading it because I can relate to many of the things you’ve shared and I am having a really tough time at the moment.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we live together and he has 2 sons who I love to pieces. In the last 8/10 months I feel he has now become an alcoholic but he is completely unable to face it, to talk about it with me, and for me it is a huge weight because of that.

As so many people say, when he is sober things are great. We spend time together, we do normal things, we chat, we laugh, and I love the time we spend together when he’s sober.

The other side of it is he now does the whole secretive thing too which I massively struggle with because what it means is, he now will not drink in the house because I will ‘nag’ him so he goes out on walks round the local park but buys cans of lager to drink when he’s out. This in itself is so hard for me because honestly, its embarrassing that he is a 37 year old father and he sits in the park drinking. I’ve literally begged him now not to do it, I’ve begged him to please just drink in the house and I won’t say anything, but he won’t do it. I have recently realised that this is a replacement for the way he used to drink, which was when he had finished work.

The thing you also said about how the next day it’s like nothing has happened, I hear you. There have been so many occasions he’s been drinking and I’ll try talking to him at the time (and get nowhere) then the next morning it’s like all back to normal. Then I think to myself, it’s better to talk to him when he’s sober, but that’s a complete no go. He either completely ignores me and changes the subject or walks off. Like literally, just gets up and walks out of the room when I’m in the middle of talking.

Back in October, he wrote off my car and told me he was suicidal. In December he left a very high pressure job which I praised him for, I tell him all the time I want him to get the help and support he needs and I will be there with him every step of the way. He has had bits of work since December but is now unemployed. Neither of these things have stopped him drinking, make him get help or stopped him lying and being secretive.

My feelings are that if he cannot accept this problem and get help, I can’t be with him. I do not want to spend years and years of my life unhappy, being lied to and ignored when I talk about things that upset me or when I try to offer support. It will grind me down and I will become a person who is not truly me and who I don’t want to be, it’s already started to happen. But I feel this huge weight of guilt and responsibility and I can’t get away from feeling I am a terrible person if I leave him. All I want more than anything in the world is for him to take that one step, admit it’s a problem and ask for help, and I have told him many times in a loving empathic way I will stick by him to get the help he needs, I will do anything he needs me to do to get better. But how long do I wait? I just go through this constant back and forth inside myself every minute of every day and it is emotional turmoil.

At the moment this is where I’m at: I don’t believe he is ready to admit it’s a problem, get help or change. I do not judge him for that at all but I don’t want to live my life like this or have our relationship in this way. Every single day all that goes through my mind is ‘say it, tell him, tell him if he won’t get help it’s over’ but every day I can’t say it. I currently feel like I couldn’t live with myself if I actually did it and I have completely taken on responsibility for him, his life, his feelings. I’m genuinely scared that it will continue to get worse and I will continue to not leave and I don’t want to live this life.

[holkat]

I think from everyone’s feedback it’s always going to be a bit of back and forth isn’t it. I feel like our whole relationship is going round in these circles. Current mood? Indifferent. This time last week? Anger, hurt, determined to leave. Next week, who knows. I guess at the moment I still live in hope because he is doing other things to improve himself and get better. I live in this hope where, maybe if I just act ok with it and let it happen without passing comment, he’ll stop. Maybe when this pandemic is all over and other parts of life go back to some kind of normality, so will this. Or maybe that’s just an excuse because I don’t want to let go of some hope he’ll get better.

[holkat]

I’m so sorry to hear about your son, mental health along with addiction is such a huge challenge. I think about how I need to let my partner hit rock bottom, it’s so terrifying wondering what rock bottom is going to look like, I just live in fear every time I think we’re there.

Really appreciate you sharing your experience and your views. I hope each and everyone of us can find some solace, some happiness one day, and that our loved ones will accept the help and support they need xx

[holkat]

Thanks for all your posts everyone and helping me to not feel so alone. When I posted it part of me was a bit scared that people would say, of course it’s an illness not a choice! So it really helps to know other people struggle with this as well and have different views.

We’re having such a tough time at the moment and it’s a perfect example of not knowing what to think, how to view this or do for the best. He hasn’t engaged at all yet with any support services, and I am practically begging him to get help. He is very depressed and just fixates on how crap life is and how nobody cares so what’s the point of getting help. This is where I struggle – is it purely that he’s unwell which is stopping him seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, or are these just excuses not to engage or get help?

I am trying so hard to understand but then I struggle to understand it because to me, help is literally a phone call away. I know our local alcohol service is extremely supportive and can assess quickly to get people the right help. He just won’t entertain it at all.

Because of Covid, he’s lost his job and can’t find another at the moment and I know he is desperately trying to. Money is very soon going to become a problem. Yet he still goes out for a walk and comes back 4 hours later having been drinking. So is he actually choosing to spend what little money we have left on a few cans, even knowing the position we’re in? Another dilemma for me to try and navigate in terms of him making choices.

I can see that he is going through a truly awful time, he’s scared, he’s depressed, he’s got no hope or confidence, he’s drinking for whatever his reasons are. And I’m here just trying my best to understand, be supportive, be sympathetic, but then sometimes it feels like he doesn’t want support or solutions, it sometimes feels like he wants to stay hopeless. He reacts by either completely ignoring me, or getting defensive and frustrated at me as if I’m just nagging him.

I just don’t know what else I can do, to understand but also what action I can or should take. I could leave him, go off and live my life and let him go and do whatever he wants to do with his, but he is at his lowest point and honestly, I am scared of what he could do if I left, because I do care about him. Yet, if he won’t get any help, how much longer am I able to live my life like this? Not knowing if he’s had a drink today, being on edge waiting to see if he has or not, walking on egg shells not wanting to be nagging, fighting the urge to just scream at him to please just do something and get some help, in this constant ‘illness or choice’ dilemma and not even knowing myself how to feel about it or how to respond. I don’t want to live like this and I don’t want him to. I feel pretty stuck right now.

[holkat]

Thank you so much for your response and sharing your personal insight and experience, that in itself makes me feel so much better!

I am probably like you in that I go back and forth, but it’s almost as if I need someone to tell me which one it is so I can stick to reacting one way or another or I can make a decision based on what is the right way. I know really that it isn’t that easy, the more I’ve thought about it, the more it’s fascinated me to learn more about other peoples views on it.

I work in mental health and it makes me wonder if it’s a bit of a similar dilemma…we encourage people to make a choice to get treatment and improve their mental health, but then different conditions are seen in different ways. In a similar way to what you said about people who are terminally ill, or any physical illness, we would only ever expect a specialist or professional to be able to treat those kind of illnesses, so why is addiction or mental health any different? We wouldn’t expect someone with cancer or a broken leg to try and cure or fix it themselves, so is it fair/right to expect that of an addict or someone with depression or bi-polar?

It’s something I haven’t thought about in this much depth really until I’ve found myself in this situation with my partner, I’ve always been aware of addiction of course, and felt the ‘right’ way to look at it is to consider it as an illness, but it’s more difficult and complex when it’s a part of your life.

Thanks again, it’s just really helpful to be able to express and hear others views, very much appreciated 🙂

[holkat]

Sorry you’re going through this, I can definitely relate. This is my life right now too, and I feel the same way. I don’t want to continue on like this but I don’t know if things will ever change? So I guess also looking for advice!

[holkat]

I can relate to where you’re at right now so much! My partner also doesn’t have a secure job at the moment and I do, but also what you said about time. I’ve done exactly the same since about October. Let’s just get Christmas out of the way…oh I’ll just wait until his birthday has passed (in January)…let’s wait now until after his sons birthday (February)…when will lockdown end, maybe then he can get a secure job and it will be easier. But then, he’s had 3 days this week he’s been sober, we’ve had lovely evenings together, great conversations, and it’s like in my mind those 3 days sober are an excuse for me to go easy on him because I want more than anything for him to stay sober, for him to WANT to stay sober and for everything to be ok because I love him so much. But then today, out walking for hours, came back drunk. Knew I was annoyed so came in and went straight up to bed. Sat apart all evening and haven’t spoken. So it’s moments like NOW I want to tell him it’s over, but then all I can think is, like you, what his reaction will be and is it really the right moment to do it when he’s been drinking?

One of the hardest things I think it’s accepting that whatever their reaction is, that is not our responsibility. The choices they make are not our choices, we cannot control that even if we think turning a blind eye or putting it off feels like the better thing to do to avoid an adverse reaction. I can’t say I’ve been in your position where he’s needed medical treatment and that must be extremely scary. But none of that is your fault, or mine, or anyone’s. That is a choice they make. But as I said, that’s one of the hardest things to deal with and accept and perhaps part of the reason we stay around, because we might feel guilty or blame ourselves for leaving and where they will end up.

Im also really struggling with this lockdown. I feel really low myself, I’m finding work really stressful and can barely motivate myself to go for a walk or leave the house at all for days. I’ve put on so much weight I’ve got aches and pains, I just want to sleep all the time and when I’m not working I just sit mindlessly watching TV. I have my family who I speak to but they don’t know anything that’s going on and I don’t really have any close friends to talk to. So this with my partner is just one more thing in a long line of things I feel like I am barely coping with right now.

I hope we can all keep talking and one day move towards the solution that is right for each of us. Thinking of you all, stay safe xx

[holkat]

Exactly the same. I’m in my 30’s and I’ve been in relationships before where I’ve been in a similar dilemma (not with alcohol) and I’ve spent so many years in previous relationships that I always felt were wasted. You do feel like your missing out and I do too, I want to buy a house but the truth is, at the moment I want to do that on my own. I think my situation at the moment, I feel like I’m waiting until I know he can move on and be ok financially on his own. I have to think about his boys as well, and don’t get me wrong the whole thing is so upsetting and I am constantly crying on my own thinking about it, but I have to try and build up that strength and resolve to move on. He doesn’t think he has a problem, he doesn’t think he needs any help, and I don’t feel like I have a partner who loves and cares about me and who can be there for me. I’ve been in bed all day today, my body and brain has had a bit of a shut down because of everything I’m coping with and I’ve just spent all day sleeping and resting. He’s gone out walking for about 6 hours in total and come home drunk. Hasn’t washed a dish, hasn’t tried to support me at all, just left me to it and gone and done his own thing. Hasn’t even tried. I feel like our situations sound so similar, and even that and chatting here is helping me to keep addressing it and thinking about what to do. I appreciate the support and I hope you are ok x

[holkat]

I agree with you completely. I worry that people would judge me, as if I’m giving up on him but I also want to put myself first, we deserve that, right? I mean, if he can’t admit that he has a problem, he’s not ready and I do not judge him for that at all I can see how that would be an extremely difficult thing for an addict to do. I accept it that he isn’t ready, and I hope with all my heart and soul that one day he can and he’ll move forward from it. I just also don’t want to risk so many years passing in case nothing changes, I never want to end up resenting him. It makes me sick sometimes the indecision and constant back and forth about what to do. Even today, I have had a really difficult day in work, I’ve come straight to bed because I am so overwhelmed, but he’s been out for his ‘walk’ and has been drinking so I have no support from him when I’m not ok, and it makes me feel so alone and hopeless. We deserve to be happy, have a happy relationship and have love and support.

[holkat]

It really gets me down too. I have also been through that self doubt, and for me, having hope and faith every time things might start slightly looking up only for it to be shattered after 1 or 2 days is exhausting and draining. I get caught up being so annoyed and angry at myself a lot of the time, as well as the guilt. I am trying to kind of focus on me at the moment and remember that I am human, it’s ok for me to feel what I feel and it’s ok to want to put myself and my future first. It’s ok if I don’t want to use every single resource I have to try and get through this. His addiction is an illness yes, but he can also choose to take responsibility for it and there is so much help and support out there for him to access, and he knows I will be there by his side to help him do it.

Hearing some of you talking about your partners having gone to rehab and spent many months sober, for me that sounds like such a positive thing, but I can also see how it is so heartbreaking when they relapse. But just seeing how your partners at some point could get help, that does give me some hope because my partner at the moment, he can’t even say that it’s a problem at all. I don’t know if he genuinely doesn’t believe it’s a problem, or if he knows it is but just can’t face having to admit it, but it’s just the hardest thing because I feel like I am stuck here in square one and we haven’t been able to venture forward at all yet.

You are all so strong and I hope you can all find time for yourselves, look after yourselves and I am so grateful to come onto the forum every day and have this support x

[holkat]

VMac123 this is my life! He’s drinking tonight and I’ve just let him, he had 3 cans in the fridge. They I suddenly noticed he was out in the garden and he has a carrier bag of cans outside. I feel so guilty that I am so out of energy to deal with this anymore. I don’t know what else I can possibly to to try and support him if he can’t face it himself.

[holkat]

Thanks for both of your replies it really does help to know there are others out there who can relate and I can’t tell you how much more clarity I feel already after joining here. It’s great to know that there are those organisations out there to support, but also that other people are having similar feelings about whether to stay or go. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best.

[holkat]

Thanks so much for your response, it really means a lot. It’s such a tough one because I feel like I can really understand where it stems from, he absolutely has low self esteem and has not been treated well his whole life by his dad, his siblings and in other relationships. I always hoped I could be a more positive influence for him because I am a supportive person, I am cheerful and hopeful and ambitious but I just can’t compete with all the terrible things we’ve all been through in this past year.

How amazing that you son has been clean for 80 days! What an unbelievable achievement you must be so proud! I know there is so much support out there for him and he could get so far if he could just admit its a problem and take that step, I can only imagine how scary that would be for him, it just breaks my heart every day that he isn’t there and can’t seem to take that step.

Its the pure guilt I feel as you say, how can I leave him when he is like this, but also how much can I give before I have to put myself and my own future first. It’s just this cycle of sympathy and guilt and anger.

I do my best to try and show I love him and will support him, it’s just hard sometimes when it feels like every day he lies and dismisses everything. I suppose we’ll see what happens but I will keep trying.

Thank you again, it means a lot to know there is support out there and others who have similar experiences.

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